


Fifteen Layers of Steele

by DJSerenity



Category: Fifty Shades of Grey - All Media Types
Genre: BDSM, Erotica, F/M, Fanfiction, Haphephobia, Healthy Relationships, Phobias, Psychological Drama, Recovery, Romantic Comedy, Sex, Smut, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-04-04 23:12:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 118,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14030925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DJSerenity/pseuds/DJSerenity
Summary: In a world where Anastasia is the one with the troubled past, and Christian is the son of the wealthiest man in Seattle, now working as a world famous therapist. Due to Anastasia's childhood trauma she developed a rare phobia called Haphephobia; the fear of physical contact, and Christian is dead set on curing her - by administering the exposure therapy himself.





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter one 

_Fifteen_. The thought of the number made an eerie appearance in my head— Large and unable to miss.  

 Fifteen is the number of years that have passed since the last time that I was genuinely touched. By this point in time I can’t even remember the last person to have gotten the opportunity. _Was it my mother? A friend? A stranger passing by on the street? I don’t really know_. All I know is that since the time I was eight years old I’ve been living with this horrific, life altering curse called Haphephobia.

Haphephobia has many other names. It can also be known as aphephobia, haphophobia, hapnophobia, haptephobia, haptophobia, thixophobia, and basically any other combination and order of the letters “h”, “a”, and “p” ending with a random sound, and then put in front of the word “phobia”. But no matter how you say it, in the end it all means the same thing; the irrational fear of touching or being touched. Of course I also like to define it as– _Oh yeah, that mother fucker_.

Joking aside, as much as I like to hate on it, I’ve never let it get me down. Sure it’s caused troubles within my relationships, some bullying in school, and even some complications with doing something as simple as walking down a crowded street. But for the most part I’ve been able to continue living my life pretty well with it I’d say.

Always keeping a positive attitude, and learning to find other ways to connect with people is what I live by.  Also to always throw in a bit of sarcasm to keep yourself entertained. One simply just cannot live through their troubles without a good healthy dose of sarcasm.

 When I couldn’t walk out into a crowded place because of the fear of accidentally bumping into somebody, I just ended up working hard on my reaction time and maneuvering skills to be able to get through even the toughest of crowds without touching a soul. When friends and family complained of not being able to hug or get intimate with me, I made a look alike doll that I could hand to them and have them hug instead. I’ve found that deep conversation is what brings us closer to one another anyway.

Though, Sometimes, on my bad days I start to think about what my life would be like without having to obsessively worry about walking through bustling areas, or what being in a romantic relationship would be like, or how much easier not having to explain to an interviewer why I can’t shake their hand would be.

 I let out a long, hopeless sigh as I lay in bed letting my mind race way too much before even getting up to shower and start the day. The clock showed a bright red “7:30 AM” and I resentfully crept out of bed and headed toward the bathroom to get ready for yet another day at my university. As I passed through the hallway from my room to the bathroom door I took note of the framed picture of my roommate Kate and her boyfriend Glenn sitting atop the small, wooden desk against the wall. I’ve passed by this photo so many times without any second thought, but for some reason it stuck out to me today. There are many other pictures placed on the desk. Photos of Kate and I laughing together, high school graduation pictures, and Kate’s dorky family. So why is it that this one particular photo stood out to me? Without even realizing it I found myself staring at the photo for a solid minute before I could even notice what I was doing.

“Snap out of it,” I whisper to myself as I shake my head vigorously back and forth trying to clear my mind. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me today,” I sigh disheartenedly bringing my hand up to my forehead as if it had healing powers. I go on to finish my difficult quest of finding the shower and getting ready for school. Trying to forget the absurdity of my actions and thoughts this morning I focus on my daily basic makeup routine, throw my hair up into a messy bun, stumble into some casual clothes, and make my way to the front door. My long, brunette hair usually being too difficult to spend any time dealing with in the morning. Getting into my car I head off to attend my first class on The Diversity of Human Sexuality.

 

 

Arriving to class fifteen minutes early as usual, I sit in the front row and pull out my notetaking materials from my backpack onto my desk. It’s said that those who sit in the front are known to be the most studious and receive the best grades. I always try to pride myself on being a hard worker and a dedicated student, and will do whatever it takes to increase my chance of success. Because of this I have always sat in the front row of every class I have ever taken, and make sure to arrive early to guarantee nothing interferes with me obtaining this golden spot. Due to the relatively small size of the classroom, it only fit about thirty students. This meant even higher stakes and timeliness. Normally an extra 5 minutes would suffice as most students prefer the farther seats. However, I was so misfortunate to have chosen to take the same class in the same time slot as a certain individual named Christian Grey.

 Christian Grey is well known within the university as a very intelligent and successful therapist who graduated in the top percentile of the university and passed his licensing exam with flying colors. More popularly he is known for his superb good looks and extremely wealthy father. A father who also just so happens to spend time as an actor on the side, and brought Christian into the limelight with him since he was a baby. It had already been a big announcement when the son of one of the most wealthy men in Seattle had come to attend the university, and then even more so when he became the most successful in his field. Intelligent, handsome, and wealthy. The guy really has it all. That’s not even mentioning the fact that he now owns his own clinic due to his father’s connections and lack of worry for money. I always wondered what he was doing still attending classes at the university if he had already graduated with his master’s degree. Word of the street is that he returned for some sort of continuing education to further his own personal knowledge and reputation.

Of course it was just my luck that he had chosen to take the same undergraduate course as me. Keeping up his good student attitude as well he always sat in the front row. This caused a disturbance in my life as girls that normally sat in the back rows all flooded to the front for the chance to sit next to the _irresistible_ Christian Grey. They would gawk, giggle, and swoon over him in attempts to lure him into conversation and make their move. I wasn’t having any of that. All I wanted was to get good grades, and complete my last quarter of college so that I could get my Bachelor’s degree in international business, start up my own company, and get the hell out of here. This man, however, made such things difficult. I now needed to arrive an extra ten minutes or more early if I wanted to make sure that the gaggle of Christian lovers didn’t take up all the seats in the front row.

 Scrolling through my phone checking all the useless posts from my acquaintances on social media I waited for the class to begin. Right on time at 8:55 AM Christian walked through the doors, and all the chattering girls sitting around me fell silent and watched him as he sat down in the empty seat right to the left of me.

_Great_.

With the blink of an eye all the seats surrounding me were mysteriously filled with love-struck girls and eager boys fighting for the seats closest to him. A few dirty glares were unjustly bestowed upon me. I’m sure some probably thought that I purposefully came early and sat in the front every day just to increase my chances of sitting next to him. However, this couldn’t be farther from the truth as I didn’t give a single damn about him and his fancy reputation.

Almost as if on cue the girl sitting behind me suddenly leans forward in towards my ear and grabs my attention with a “Hey.” I look to the side and jump back slightly out of reflex to the closeness of her face. My heart now racing from the brief moment of fear. In my phobia stricken mind, I had no idea how close she was going to get. At least she didn’t attempt to grab my attention with a tap, or that could have ended badly.

Next she condescendingly whispers to me “If you think you’re going to cheat and arrive to class so early everyday just so that you can steal the chance to sit next to Christian, then you’re going to have to suffer some serious consequences as punishment for breaking the rules.” I let out a snort and turn around whispering sternly back “Look lady I’m just here to learn about the diversity of human sexuality, and get a good grade unlike all of you who are only here for Christian. Apparently I never got the memo that he was going to be in this class or I would have never signed up for it and sentenced myself to this hell dealing with you and all his other stalkers. I always sit in the front row and I will continue to do so whether he is sitting here or not. I have no business with him, nor will I ever. Also last time I checked there’s no rule about arriving to class early. So please get more serious about your education rather than becoming some bimbo and let me get back to focusing on preparing for the lecture.” I start to turn back, then realizing I left something out I turn around again and add “Oh and don’t talk to me about silly matters like that ever again.” Just as I was able to finish my sentence the professor entered the room and greeted the class with a “Hello everyone! Let’s quiet down now and start our lecture today continuing with yesterday’s topic on gender.”

The girl falls back into her chair, scowling at me with her arms crossed. Then lets out an angry “Tch. Fucking bitch,” under her breath. With the turn of my head, I realize that Christian had overheard our entire conversation as he slightly glances to the side and brings his right hand up to his mouth to cover a soft chuckle. My heart skipping a whole two beats at the sight. I had been hoping that he wouldn’t overhear what I said as it was quite rude, but then again, a good kick to his ego would probably be good for him.

From then on I tried my hardest to focus on the lecture, but I kept getting distracted by the extreme awkwardness I now felt from sitting so close to him. Although I had never really cared before, I realized that sitting next to such a highly worshiped figure was somehow kind of intimidating. Mentally kicking myself in the head for getting swayed by some random rich boy, I reiterated that I should have no reason to feel inferior to him, or to view him as anything other than an ordinary classmate. Getting too involved in my own thoughts, I kept awkwardly shuffling in my seat, and once again noticed him give a slight glance my way.

My heart skipped yet another beat.

_Gosh damn it,_ I internally yelled at myself. _If I don’t start focusing on this lecture he’s going to realize somethings up and think that I’m interested in him or something stupid like that!_ I try to keep my outside looking cool. Concentrating with all my might, I somehow find a way to calm myself down and return my attention back to the lecture on the gray areas of gender.   

 

Halfway through the lecture the professor calls for a five minute break, and I use the time to check over my notes. Another girl sitting on the left side of Christian nervously grabs his attention while tucking her hair behind her ear in a cutesy manner. She proceeds to ask him if he had written down the notes from the last slide because she had missed them. It was an obvious attempt to flirt and start up a conversation with him as I hadn’t seen her take a single note the entire class.

_I bet he loves all this attention_ , I roll my eyes at the hilarious scene. But to my astonishment he looks down at her desk and then gives her a cold reply of “I actually did get them. However, looking at your notebook I think that you will be needing more than just the last slide. Unfortunately that will take more than five minutes and I would like to use this time to take an actual break. You should have been focusing more on taking notes.” He then pulls out his phone from his pocket, leans back in his chair and starts scrolling through it. Leaving her completely ignored. She looks so taken aback that I almost choke on my own spit from attempting to hold back my laughter. Quietly, she sinks back into her chair from the embarrassment of being caught.

_Guess she wasn’t hot enough for him or something_ , I silently chuckle to myself.

A couple minutes pass and the professor returns to class to finish up the lecture. Finally reaching the end, I pack up all my stuff and quickly get out of the room whilst taking careful notice not to look in the left direction. Somehow I manage to make it out before everyone else, not looking back even once to see what anyone was up to. There was no way in hell I was going to stick around for Ms. Snobby Backseat Girl’s wrath. I had to get out as soon as possible before she had time to finish our earlier conversation. That’s yet another person I’m going to have to try and avoid in that class. _Just fantastic_ , I mentally kick myself in the head again. _Maybe I shouldn’t have fought back with that girl_.

 Exhausted, I arrive at my next class and wipe a rolling droplet of sweat off of my forehead from rushing so hard. “Man you’ve really done it now Anastasia, haven’t you?” I say to myself out loud as a couple people look my way seeming confused as to who I was talking to. _I highly doubt she’s just going to let that one pass. Should have just kept my big mouth shut and taken it_. Realizing that what’s done is done and that I shouldn’t worry about things that haven’t occurred yet, I go through the door and sit down, getting prepared for class again. Five minutes early of course.

 

Another boring lecture goes by and I make my way to meet with Kate for lunch. Kate is not only my roommate, but also just so happens to be my childhood best friend. We’ve been through nearly everything together and she is one of the only people who truly understands me and my phobia. I sit down on a bench at a table outside and see Kate running up to me. I turn to wave to her.

“Hey Ka–”

“OH MY GOODNESS WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME!” She interjects my greeting and shouts loudly into my face while throwing her hands up into the air before stopping and standing in front of me.

Giving her a puzzled look and slightly leaning away from her, I give her a questioning, “Uuuuuuh…tell you what?”

“THAT CHRISTIAN GREY IS IN YOUR CLASS!”

Hearing her mention Christians name I start going into a panic. “Shh. Shh. Keep it down!” I lower my head into my shoulders and wave my hands down as I peer from side to side to see if anybody had overheard her sudden combustion. “You’re going to make ourselves the center of attention if you come over here suddenly yelling things like that you idiot!” I exclaim in a hushed tone. She finally lowers her voice and seems to calm down a bit.

“Sorry I just a got a little too overexcited when I heard the news.” She finishes apologizing and takes a seat in front of me.

“Yeah about that, exactly how in the hell did you hear this news?”

“SO IT IS TRUE!” She starts shouting yet again.

“Hey I said keep quiet!” My voice raises slightly in agitation. “Yes Kate, unfortunately it is true. Now just tell me where you heard the damn news!”

“Well you see, I passed by your class looking for you and I heard some girls bickering about how a girl named Anastasia was arriving early every day and taking up space in the front row just to steal a spot next to Christian. I mean she also added that you were a Bitch but that’s beside the point right now. Oh actually she also mentioned that she wanted to get revenge on you…thought I should mention that to you eventually as well.”

Realizing that it must have been Ms. Snobby backseat girl, irritation arises at the fact that my earlier suspicions were indeed correct. _Guess I really did do it this time_. In the most sarcastic tone I cross my arms and tell her, “Wow. Thanks a lot Kate. A girl mentions about how she wants revenge on me and the first thing you want to talk about is some popular guy in my class.”

Kate raises her hand to her chest, “Hey in my defense it’s not just any popular guy, it’s Christian Grey! Plus the girl looked like a sissy, I know you can take her on. Anyway, we will get to that part later, so let’s start talking about how I can’t believe that you never told me that the man of all men is in your class! And that you were sitting right next to him at that!”

 I feel a shiver go down my spine as I am reminded once again about how I sat so awkwardly next to him. “Yes he is in my class and yes he sat in the seat beside me, but why should I care? He’s just a person like everybody else.” With that statement I see Kate begin to shake her head.

“Oh Anastasia. He’s not just some normal guy, he’s the son of the wealthiest man in Seattle! Plus he’s got enough brains to share some with us all. And one look into those gorgeous eyes….sigh.” She rests her face on her hand and dreamily looks off into the distance.

“Yeah, yeah I’ve heard that a million times.” Rolling my eyes again for millionth time today at her absurdity. “I won’t be smitten by a guy just because his daddy has loads of money. It doesn’t matter if he has money or not because I will be making my own big bucks one day. And looks are superficial. Good looks can’t make up for a snobby, playboy personality. One thing I will give him credit for is his brains though. I am quite impressed with all that he’s done despite not really needing to. A man with intelligence is quite admirable. But I feel more competitive towards him in that regard.”

 Kate looks at me with disappointment. “Alright I get that you’re not attracted by normal things like money and good looks, but what’s that about his personality? You don’t know if he has a bad personality or not! He became a therapist because he said that he wants to help people above all else. You see, he’s actually a really kind and caring person on top of all of that, and you’re so quick to demonize him just because he’s popular. Maybe it’s really you who’s the demon here Anastasia.” She gives me a wink and fake nudge to the side knowing that she can’t actually nudge me.

“Pfft. Come on Kate he’s probably just saying that to appear as a nice guy so that he can be even more popular with the girls. Maybe I’m not a demon and I’m just being rational instead of falling for his stupid trap like you and all the other people in this school.”  Tired of this useless conversation I take out my lunch sack from my bag and start eating my sandwich with my head down, looking at the table. 

“Alright I get it, you might be right about him. But I still think sitting next to him will somehow lead you to falling in love and ending up as his jealousy stirring, all-star girlfriend.” She suddenly gets all giddy and caught up in her fantasy. I start to laugh. “Jesus Kate why are you even having these fantasies about me anyway? Shouldn’t you be fantasizing about yourself being in my place and getting with him? What with you being the one who’s supposedly already in love with him and all.” I give her an air nudge back.

“That is true. I really wish I could switch places with you, you lucky bastard. But I already have a boyfriend, and you my dear, do not.” She pauses for a moment, then changes her voice from her usual over excited tone to more serious one. “Don’t you think it’s about time you finally started considering looking for someone?”

The unexpected question makes me freeze up. My mind shifts to the moment when I caught myself staring at the photograph of her and her boyfriend this morning. Something that I will never let Kate find out about.

“Ah, who me? No way! I’m way too focused on school right now to have time for a boyfriend. Besides, you know that even if I did have the time, it wouldn’t be possible anyway. What guy would want to date a girl that he couldn’t even hold hands with without sending her into a panic?” The image of Kate and Glenn happily smiling together starts to fade from my mind, and the usual blackness is present once again.

“Aww come on Anastasia!” Kate looks at me with a face full of pity. “You can’t keep letting this phobia of yours get in your way forever! There’s definitely a guy out there who would love you no matter what. Even if you scream a little and punch him when he gets too close.” We both look at each other and laugh. I’m guessing she was remembering the time that I accidentally socked her in the face after she fell asleep on my shoulder while watching Tarzan.

She brings her hands to the middle of the table and continues on. “There’s so much more to you than your phobia. It doesn’t make up who you are. I’ve loved you for all these years, phobia and all. A couple bruises here and there is definitely worth getting to know you, and I don’t need to hold your hand to know that we are close.” She brings her hands together holding them tight while looking into my eyes with a smile. I too bring my hands to the middle of the table just in front of hers, and clasp them together slowly, giving her the same warm smile back. This is the way we came up with being able to touch. We would hold our own hand and pretend that we were instead holding the others. That way I would never have to miss out on the joys of physical touch, and all forms of closeness with my best friend.

Feeling a bit more uplifted from Kates reassurance, I respond “I guess you’re right. I’ve never felt that my friendship with you or anyone else was lacking because of this slight obstacle. But with romantic relationships it’s different. The only chance I have at one is meeting an Asexual.”

“Hmmmmm,” she thinks for a bit. “That’s definitely possible. You’d be the perfect partner for an asexual person. They would never have to worry about you trying to engage in any lewd behavior. It would be great for you. That is however…” She trails off as her face turns up a sly smirk.

 “….however what?” I question her wondering what devious thing could possibly be on her mind.

 “That is however as long as you don’t start desiring sexual contact as well.” She lifts her hands up and folds them together while resting her elbows on the table, then leans in closer to me. An eyebrow raises in suspicion.

 “Wha- wha- wha- what?” I flush and stammer in embarrassment. “What are you talking about? Jeez Kate, you’re such a pervert. Why are you wondering about such a thing anyway?”

 “Hey it’s a totally normal thing! No need to be embarrassed. It just occurred to me that just because you can’t do it, that doesn’t mean that the feelings aren’t still there. Am I right?”

 “What? I mean…uh, I don’t know…maybe…I guess…sometimes…er….who knows!” My stammering indicating the complicated thought process that was now going on in my head. “I’ve never really thought about it. Gee look at the time!” I peer down at my empty wrist as if there was a watch there. “Looks like it’s time for this conversation to end. Gotta run!” I stand up ready to bolt for it, but Kate quickly grabs the end of my T-shirt and forces me back down onto the bench. My breath comes to a halt and I feel my body freeze and tense up for a minute as I fall back into my seat. Thankfully Kate had already let go of me by the time that I regained movement in my limbs. “Hey watch it!” I snap at her. “I nearly just slapped you there!” Looking at her in a worried but also angry expression, I continue on “that was way too close to touching me. The only reason I don’t react when you get so close to me is because I trust you. But you shouldn’t push it too much.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” She flicks her wrist brushing me to the side. “I’ve already learned how far I can push you. I’ve had lots of practice testing the limits and getting slapped. Anyway I’m not just going to let you get away from me that easily.” Looking completely unaffected she crosses her arms and gives me an expectant stare.

  “Okay fine.” I give in to her. She always manages to get her way with me. Somehow I just can’t resist when she gives me that face. “I suppose I have those feelings sometimes. It’s not really something that crosses my mind often though. Whenever I do think of it, I just imagine being touched by another person and that freaks me out. Such things deter my mind away when I’m feeling in the mood. Having a panic attack is a bit of a buzz kill, you know?” Kate chuckles at my joke.

“And there has never been anybody that you felt maybe you wouldn’t mind letting touch you?” Kate asks while peering at me intensely, obviously hoping for some juicy answer. Unfortunately I have to leave her disappointed though. Thinking hard on this deep question that she just threw at me, I realized that there wasn’t a single face that came to my mind. It sorted through multiple faces of boys and girls that I had found attractive throughout the years. People whom I admired. My favorite celebrities and closest friends. The faces quickly zoomed by like watching a film being fast-forwarded. The play button never seemed to be hit though. I once again let out a long sigh. “No unfortunately I don’t think there ever has been. I’m trying really hard to think of a time, but not even a single one is popping up.”

 Kate looks shocked. “But surely there’s been someone you’ve had feelings for?” She leans over the table and points her finger at me. “I remember in 10th grade when you used to stare like an idiot when Steven would walk by. Then I helped you to internet stalk him for hours in order to find the best pictures to make a collage that you secretly set as your desktop wallpaper. You had the biggest crush on him. You said he was one of the most intelligent and handsome people you had ever seen. Did you not ever dream of getting it on with handsome and intelligent desktop boy? Or how about Sarah whom you always used to joke about her hair being so gorgeous you almost passed out when she would let it down in front of you?”

  “Ha ha ha ha ha,” I cut her listing off by my laughter that I could no longer contain from the embarrassment of remembering desktop Steven. _Teenagers really just do the most ridiculous things. I’m so glad we’ve all matured a little bit since those times. Well, most of us anyway._

Calming down a bit, I give a final stop to her with an answer of, “Aside from Sarah’s amazing hair, I sure did have a ridiculous crush on Steven didn’t I? But you see, in case you didn’t notice I never even approached him because I knew that it could never amount to anything more. He was just my eye candy and a person whom I admired for his intelligence. The thought of actually getting close with him made me freeze up and want to gag. Not because he was gross or anything, but because the thought of any kind of human contact makes me sick. As such, all of that admiration was nothing more than just that. Admiration. Can’t fall in love and break your phobia if you don’t even try to talk to the people you have a crush on.” My mouth turns up into a sad half smile, and Kate gives me the same look back.

 With a look full of pity she rhetorically asks, “Yeah it must be difficult to think about making love with someone when just the thought of them getting close makes you have a heart attack, huh.” Clasping her hands together on top of the table even more tightly this time, she brings the other half of her smile upwards and gives me the same sympathetic look she always does when talking about my phobia. 

 “Hey what is this, don’t give me that look!” I exclaim at her as I cross my arms together. “I don’t need your pity. As I’ve always told you I’m fine with things being the way that they are and I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. Nor do I need to have sex to be happy. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything or that I have anything less than you or any other person does.” Still keeping my arms crossed I turn my face to the side. “There! I said it!”

 “Okay, okay I get it Anastasia,” Kate says as she brings her arms back down to her lap. “I know you’re doing just fantastic being who you are. You’re a very smart and determined girl who knows how to take care of herself and find her own happiness. I’m sorry for feeling pity for you there. I know there’s no reason to. I’ve known you for a long time, and that’s why I can say that sometimes I think you may be lying to yourself that you’ve never thought about wanting those things. I just want to be sure that you’re not hiding that you feel that way sometimes, just so that you don't make other people worry about you, or think that you’re not strong. No matter what you say, you will always be the world’s most strong girl to me Anastasia.” This time Kate gives me a true smile that’s full of admiration rather than pity.

“Kate—”

Trying to find the right words to say to her, she cuts me off as she looks down at her phone to check the time, then starts up again by saying, “Oh would you look at that. It looks like we got off on a bit of a tangent. I need to hurry up and finish my lunch before my next class starts. I’ll see you later at home.” She quickly shoves the rest of her sandwich that she had only managed to take a few bites of into her face. Standing up and grabbing her things, she sees me off with a “See ya hot thang,” then walks away heading back into the school. That was her usual goodbye that she started giving me since high school. For some reason she finds it amusing to call me that. I always just roll my eyes at it, and yet she does it anyway, even after such a serious conversation as this one. I just chuckle and shake my head. “Oh Kate. Gotta love ya.”


	2. Chapter 2

Back at the house after a long and eventful day at school, I found myself laying on the couch, flipping through suggestions on my Netplix account on my laptop. Everything looked so boring today. They haven’t come up with any new good shows in a while. Ever since _Weirder Happenings: Season two_ ended I haven’t been able to find anything good enough to keep me entertained until the next season comes out. _Another year from now. A whole freaking year. What am I supposed to do with my life until then? Binge watch Aveter: The Last Wind Shifter for the fourth time? I don’t think so. If only they would finally invest in a bigger budget to make an actual good movie for it. The Last Wind Shifter? More like The Last Movie I’ll Be Watching._

In my intense boredom I found my mind drifting back to the earlier conversation with Kate today. She still hadn’t returned home. Majoring in Computer science has kept her quite busy and out late working at school these days. Things have been getting intensely lonely and boring in the house. _No wonder I’ve been left to sit and drift deeper and deeper into the depths of my mind, bringing out all its dark and depressing thoughts. It can’t ever just drift into happy and joyful thoughts when left alone now can it? Like, it wouldn’t hurt to think of all the delicious cake I was just eating and all the amazing friends I have in my life now would it?_ Speaking of food and friends, for some reason Kates last words today at lunch kept playing over and over in my head. Almost as if she were here sitting next to me right now, I could hear her saying, “I’ve known you for a long time, and that’s why I can say that sometimes, I think you may be lying to yourself that you’ve never thought about wanting those things.”

It just kept going again and again paying special attention to certain words. “I think you may be lying to yourself that you’ve never thought about wanting those things.” Then it refined itself again. “You may be lying to yourself.” An image of Kate enters my mind. It leans in towards me slowly, getting closer and closer to my face, almost making an evil expression. All of a sudden it bursts out in rage, “YOU LIAR!!”

“WAAAAAAAAAAH,” I scream as I jump so hard I fall off of the couch, dropping my computer onto the floor with me, nearly breaking it in half. Scurrying to pick up my laptop and checking to see if it had attained any injuries, I plop back up onto the couch and sigh for what seems like the millionth time today. _They say that sighing shortens your life span. I guess I’ll only be living to about half of the age I was originally supposed to then. Sigh…oh wait. Shit._

Thanking god that my laptop was still okay, I place it beside me on the couch. Leaning back into the pillows and staring up at the ceiling, I begin to think that maybe Kate was right. Maybe that’s why her words won’t stop playing in my head. The next line she had spoken finally follows, “I just want to be sure that you’re not hiding that you feel that way sometimes, just so that you don't make other people worry about you or think that you’re not strong.”

_I guess I really do hide my true feelings sometimes_. For me, proving that I am strong has always been one of the most important things. I don’t want others to view me as weak because of my phobia. It has always made me feel inferior to them since I get so afraid by such a silly thing as a person laying their hands on me. _How is anybody supposed to be seen as strong if they get scared by such harmless things?_ I could only wonder.  When I was a child, I got teased so much for this, the only choice I had was to become strong in every other way that I could. Especially because I didn’t want “that person” to ever view me as weak again.

My heart stopped beating momentarily at the thought of them. Sweat began to roll down my forehead and the back of neck, and my body went ice cold and stiff. I felt tears well up in my eyes. As they fell down my cheeks, I quickly brought my hands up to wipe them before they managed to come completely down. Extreme anger now instead boiling within me. My body regained movement and heat was flowing once more. _I can’t believe that I thought about “that person” again. More than that, that I let the thought of them cause me to go into a panic like that_. The thought of them still affects me so badly even to this day. The frustration at this made me shake with rage. _I was just thinking about how they were the last human on Earth that I wanted to view me as weak, and yet the thought of them just now put me into that weak, defenseless state, just as they always had done to me._ I wanted to cry at the thought that they still obtained so much power over me, despite not even being present. On the other hand, I knew that I couldn’t cry because that showed weakness. No longer should I let them get to me like that anymore.

It had been a long time since “that person” had entered my mind. _Must be why it affected me so much_. I let it slip my mind, and when it suddenly returned, I was overwhelmed. _But not anymore,_ I confidently told myself as I drew the line. _I won’t let them catch me off guard_. With that, I got up and walked over to the kitchen to grab a steak knife from the drawer. Holding it firmly in my hand I sat back down onto the couch, placing the knife momentarily onto my lap so that I could roll up my left sleeve. Returning it to my hand, I started cutting the letter “X” with a circle around it into my wrist. It had only been deep enough to draw a couple drops of blood, but still it was far enough to make the letter visible. Once I finished, I got back up to clean the knife in the sink and put it back into the drawer so that Kate wouldn’t find it and worry. Of course I cleaned the few drops of blood off my wrist as well.

One may ask what the reason behind the “X” is. Well, when I was in middle school, I would cut my wrist whenever the other kids would bully me because of my Haphephobia. However, the cutting fortunately didn’t last long. Once I realized that doing so made me weak, that it let their bullying get to me, I quit once and for all. The day that I stopped cutting, I also drew a circle with an X into my wrist just like this one. It was to signal the end to it. I got inspired by the “Do Not Feed the Birds” sign in the park nearby my house which depicted a picture of a hand feeding some pigeons with a circle around it and a diagonal slash through the middle of the circle. The circle with the slash was to signal to not do something. For me, the thing that I wasn’t supposed to do was cutting myself. The other diagonal slash going the opposite direction was to signify that it would no longer happen. The thing that I wasn’t allowed to do I would promise to no longer partake in.

Today the X with a circle around it meant that I wasn’t allowed to let myself get shaken at the thought of “that person” anymore, and that I would no longer partake in the illegal activity from this day forth. “That person” is the being that I have never spoken of to anybody other than Kate and a close friend from my phobia circle. But even Kate only knows small details. The full disclosure of my encounter with said human will probably never be spoken of to another soul. To put things into context, “that person” is the reason that my phobia exists in the first place. I may not yet be strong enough to rid myself of this mental disorder, but at least today I have decided that the thought of them alone will no longer cause me harm.

Returning back to the couch once again I stared intensely at my new, temporary tattoo. This whole ordeal just proved that Kate was right about me. That I hide my true feelings from others because I don’t want to seem weak. I couldn’t even let myself cry today because I didn’t want the memories of the person from my past to see that I was not strong enough to overcome them. _If I can’t even be honest with myself, how can I be honest with others?_ This was the question that I asked myself again and again for the rest of the night.

 

 

Waking up to the sunlight shining extra bright in my face, I was confused at how there could be so many rays so early in the morning. Peering over at my clock, it glowed a bright red “8:00 AM” today. I gasped so loudly that it caused me to start coughing. It seems that I had been so tired that I turned my alarm clock off and accidentally fell back asleep. I would have to rush if I didn’t want to be late for class. Hurriedly, I dashed out of bed and sprang for the bathroom, putting on as minimal amount of makeup that I could. Vigorously brushing my teeth hard enough to make my gums grind off, I finished in under a minute. From my closet I picked out my longest sleeved shirt in order to cover up my new “tattoo,” and threw on some random jeans and miss matched socks to go with it. I didn’t care what my outfit looked like today. I just needed to make sure that I at least didn’t miss class. As well as that nobody could see what happened to my wrist. Especially Kate. Thankfully we didn’t get the chance to see each other last night as I was already out like a light by the time she made it back home. _Too bad it’s definitely too late to get a spot in the front row now though. Not to say that it probably isn’t a good thing after what happened with Ms. Backseat Bitch yesterday._

Grabbing my backpack and running out the door at the same time as putting my hair into a ponytail, I somehow managed to make it to school just in time. This is also thanks to not getting pulled over for speeding on the way. There was still five minutes left to spare until class started. This is the time that Christian usually arrives, so I can imagine that he and the rest of his stalkers have already taken up the front seating by now. _Ah well, I suppose I can deal with not sitting there for one day the whole year_.

Briskly walking to the door on the off chance that I could still somehow make it, I was too focused to notice a figure quickly approaching behind me. Just as I was getting close to the classroom, a hand suddenly grabbed my shoulder. I froze on the spot. Before anything else could happen I let out a blood curdling scream as I shoved the unknown person off of me so hard that I tripped and fell to the ground. Backwards. Onto my butt.

 Now faced towards the unknown figure I could see that it was the girl who sat behind me yesterday. She had fallen back from my push, but was luckily caught by her friend who was standing right behind her. Getting back up again she just stared at me in shock as I just lay on the ground wide eyed and breathing so hard that anybody nearby would think that I had just ran a marathon. My whole body began to tremble. The feeling of intense fear and panic growing inside me. I’m sure I had gone pale as well.

Continuing to stare at me, she took a step back. “What the hell is wrong with you, you crazy bitch!?”

At this point I was able to calm down a little and start looking around the room. Everyone in the hallway had come to a halted silence and were now watching the scene that I had just caused. As the fear began to leave me, the new feeling of embarrassment had started to give rise. Coming to my senses and taking note of the situation around me more, I also was finally able to take note of the other figure standing just a few feet behind her. The figure was gazing at me with an inquisitive stare. The owner of this stare was of course none other than Christian Grey.

 My embarrassment increased tenfold. Having one of my panic episodes in the hallway in front of everyone was already bad enough. Christian Grey conveniently being right in front of me at the exact moment of occurrence just made everything even worse. It had been so long since I’ve had one of my episodes at school. I always tried my best to make sure it would never happen at my university after the name I had earned myself in grade school. The hope was that I could start anew here as just a normal student. It looks like my time as just your average Joe was coming to an end. Backseat Bitch had only just begun on her name calling unfortunately.

She was standing up straight with her arms crossed, giving me a disgusted look. “All I did was grab your shoulder you freak. You didn’t have to scream and shove me like that as if I was trying to murder you. What’s your problem anyway? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

 “I- I’m really sorry about that. I was just startled, I didn’t mean to push you,” I attempted to apologize, but it didn’t seem to go through to her.

“Just startled? Are you freaking kidding me!? You screamed bloody murder! I’m surprised that nobody has tried calling the police thinking that someone was being stabbed to death with a scream like that! You’re lucky Lindsey was here to catch me or I could have charged you with assault.”

Lindsey sadly decides joins in on the argument, now standing with her arms crossed as well. “Yeah you psycho! Jennifer didn’t do anything other than touch your shoulder to grab your attention. She just wanted to talk to you about the rude things you said to her yesterday. I bet you did this on purpose just to create a scene or something. Making it seem like she attacked you. But everyone here saw what happened and knows the truth. They all know that Jennifer was the one who was attacked.” Her hand begins to gesture at all the people surrounding us. “Just look around! Everyone is staring at you, realizing what a freak you are!”

As I looked around I realized that she was right. Everyone was still staring at me. I was becoming the freak of the school again. Dejected, and feeling so awkward that I was almost about to cry, a male voice joined the party.

“Now, now. I don’t think any of us are really thinking that.” Christian walked forward, passing by Lindsey and Jennifer as they turned their heads to the side, mouths gaping open.

Jennifer’s voice turned from nasty to sweet in an instant. “C-Christian. What are you doing here?”

As I was still laying there dumbfounded and looking like a complete idiot, he ignored them and approached me instead. “I was just heading to class when I saw you grab this girl from behind and startle her. It seems that she had quite the scare. But knowing that you had just simply meant to have a chat with her I bet she will be alright now.” He offers his hand out to me.

Shocked by the sudden proposition, I just stare at his hand. My heart pounding even more rapidly now in my chest. The hand that appears only to be a kind gesture to everyone else, looks to me like a murderous weapon. “Uh t-thank you for the help, but I think I will be alright getting up on my own,” I reject him as I push myself up off the ground, avoiding his hand. Feeling like I want to die, my posture becomes slouched to the side as I hold onto my left arm with my head down for comfort.

Jennifer and Lindsey look absolutely mortified. Obvious flares of hate and jealously spew towards me. Lindsey speaks in her disturbingly sweet voice again, “Oh my Christian you are such a gentleman. Any girl would be so lucky to have such a kind man like you.” The high pitch candy coated voice makes me want to gag. She turns over to pass me a dirty look. Still speaking to Christian, but making eye contact with me she adds, “It’s really sad that this rude girl can’t even accept your thoughtfulness. We would have been flattered to receive such a blessing from an amazing guy like you.” Now turning over to look at Christian she continues “She’s clearly not worth our time. Why don’t the three of us just ignore this girl and her little outburst and head into class before we miss our important lecture?”

Laughing at that notion he answers, “No, no. I’m a stranger who shouldn’t have even been approaching her anyway. Most people probably wouldn’t want to receive help from somebody that they don’t even know. She has no idea what my intentions are. I don’t think she meant any harm by it.” He turns and looks directly at me. “Now did you Anastasia?”

My heart freezes for a brief moment. However, it was different from the kind of freezing that it does when somebody gets close to me. _How did he know my name_? I just shoot him a puzzled look and stand up straight right away. Struggling to regain my thoughts and find the right words to answer his question, I respond after a few seconds with “Oh. Ah. …No! No of course not! I really appreciate your kindness sir. I didn’t mean to offend you or anyone else by not accepting the offer. I just get a little nervous when being approached by strangers. That’s all.”

Jennifer laughs in a high pitch screech. “A _little_ nervous? That’s a good one!”

Lindsey joins in her laughter. “Christian you’re too kind. She doesn’t deserve this gentleness you’re showing towards her.”

“I think that’s for me to decide,” he points out. “Sorry for butting into your business Anastasia. Why don’t we head into class now?”

Still shocked at the fact that he knows my name, my words have a hard time coming out. “Ah, Um…. Oh! Yes! Let’s do that.” _I want to smack myself so hard for continuing to stutter like an idiot_. _Keeping up my composure is necessary if I want to seem on his level_.

 He starts walking toward the classroom door and gestures for me to come along. Feeling like I’ve entered some sort of bizarre dream I follow along with him. The two cackling geese just watch with their giant traps hung open once more. The mass hoard of people that had gathered around us watching in silence started to break off. Quiet whispers could be heard among them.

While walking with him, I couldn’t help but think about my eminent downfall. _The incident will almost surely be the latest hot gossip within the school by the end of this class_. _I was already doomed by my doing alone, but now that Christian Grey went and got himself involved I’m absolutely screwed. There’s no way everyone in the entire school won’t know my name by tomorrow morning. Clearly Christian has no idea what he’s just gotten me into._

I trail behind him, keeping my head down to avoid the many stares coming my way. He pulls out an empty desk in the front row. It was the same desk that I had sat in last time. “I believe that this is the spot where you like to sit? A good student always sits close to the front.” By this point, the entire classroom had its eyes on me, followed by a few gasps.

I couldn’t believe my ears. _First he knows my name, and now he’s even suggesting that he knows where I like to sit? Plus he threw my motto at me on top of that._ _All of this makes no sense. I really must be dreaming. Or at least I wish I was with all the trouble this is going to get me in._

With a slight bow of my head I respond “Thank you very much. That it is.”

Taking a bit of caution, I sit down onto the chair connected to the desk, trying my best to look unaffected by his offer. To my surprise, he once again sits beside me. _Guess he is all about keeping the same seats. No idea why else he would want to be beside me again_. _All I know is that I now am 110% the most hated person in this class. There’s not much else I could do to make things any worse for myself, so I might as well just accept it. Doesn’t he realize that he’s just made me into the target for the whole class?…unless that’s what he wants? Maybe he got offended by my rant the other day to Ms. Snobby backseat girl— or Jennifer I should say. Making the class think that I’m into him and that I have some sort of connection with him now would be the perfect revenge. I’ll be torn to pieces! Oh god, how did I even get myself into this mess…_

Christian’s next kind gesture sure didn’t go unnoticed by Jennifer and her evil sidekick. They had followed us into the classroom and stopped right at the door, watching the scene unfold. Heading to quickly sit in the seat right behind me while all the others in the classroom were still left in shock, Jennifer leans back into the chair with her arms crossed, shaking her head from side to side in the utmost disapproval. I could feel the daggers shooting at me from her eyes. A chill went down my spine, and I gave a large gulp in fear, just praying that she wouldn’t try to touch me again.

Trying to concentrate on the lecture from then on was to no avail. Normally I would be extremely focused on the lecture, careful not to miss a thing. This time, however, I don’t think I heard a single word. The anxiety from worrying about the possibility of Jennifer trying to touch me again was overwhelming. It was the typical worry that used to consume my daily life when I first began to develop Haphephobia. The kind of worrying that made no sense. The worry that came for no reason, yet wouldn’t seem to leave.

This kind of panic attack often followed incidents of physical contact. My brain would just kind of shut off for a while and be overtaken by nothing but the thoughts of others getting close. It would be all that I could focus on. Every movement, and every breath. Fortunately, though, the amount of time that this would last has decreased as I learned to have better control over my phobia.

“Alright everyone I think now would be a good time for our five minute break,” the professor called out, ending the lecture. His words were the savior that helped me to snap out of my delusions. I looked over to the side to check what Christian was up to, but as I did he had already started to stand up and walk in Jennifer’s direction. She seemed stunned as he approached her.

“Hello. Jennifer is it?” he asks her while holding his hand out, readying for a handshake.

Looking like she was about to choke, she sits up nervously and shakes his hand. “Why yes, that is my name.” Smiling with a huge grin and leaning forward on top of her desk to signal to him that he had her full attention, she started to twirl her hair around her finger. Her voice became sickeningly cutesy as she inquired, “What can I help you with?”

“I would like to have a word with you outside if you wouldn’t mind.”

“A word with me? Whatever for?”

“You’ll find out as soon as we get outside. Come along now. I would like for Lindsey to join as well.”

He beckons the two of them to follow along with him out the door. Jennifer happily complies and gives a giant wink to Lindsey as she too gets up from her seat looking all giddy. I just watch as the three of them exit the room, wondering what in the hell was going on. _What could he possibly want to talk to the two of them about?_

Being too much of an eavesdropper, I lean in forward to try to hear their conversation. They were standing just close enough to the open door that I was able to make out most of the exchange. Christian started off with saying, “So I happened to notice that you had tried to grab Anastasia’s attention this morning. I assume you meant to talk with her further about the conversation between the two of you in class yesterday?” He was obviously directing his question toward Jennifer. 

The voice that could be clearly understood as hers replied, “Oh you heard our conversation the other day? My goodness I’m so embarrassed. You weren’t supposed to hear that. My deepest apologies for the rude things that Anastasia said about you and your admirers. No need to mind the words of somebody like that.”

Christian’s voice spoke up again. “Yes, well I just wanted to let you know that I do not wish to cause anybody trouble. For that reason, I don’t want Anastasia to be targeted or attacked due to her minor association with me. I will not stand for bullying taking place on my part. As such, I will be quite upset if I happen to find out that the two of you did anything to her in accordance to what happened today, or any other day at that. I will not hesitate to confront you both. So let’s behave ourselves from now on, shall we girls?” His voice sounded quite stern.

Without even seeing the girls faces I could already tell that they were quite upset. Jennifer was the first one to reply yet again, sounding like she was about to cry. “O-Oh my Christian I am very sorry that you felt that way. I had simply only meant to confront Anastasia this morning to apologize to her about what I had said the other day. Later I realized that I was too quick to jump to conclusions and call her out. I certainly would never resort to bullying. You see, I am a much better person than that, so you don’t need to worry. She and I will be getting along quite well from now on.” Her voice pauses for a minute. I could imagine a sly smile creep up on her face as she spoke the following words “In fact, I would love for us to be good friends.”

The notion made me snort, and a couple people sitting nearby turned and looked at me. I couldn’t help it as the bullshit was just seeping right out of her. She had to be outright mad if she believed that anybody would fall for that ploy.

Lindsey finally spoke out in order to back her up. “Yes, yes indeed that’s what we were trying to do. As a matter of fact, I was the one who had convinced her that she should apologize to Anastasia. I thought it would be best if we all got along, and Jennifer had felt quite bad about what she said. You see, she’s just a really big fan of yours and hated to see somebody outright stalking you like that.”

_Oh lord so help me now,_ I cried to myself while pounding my forehead into my desk. _If it wasn’t for my phobia I’d go out and give this bitch the old one-two._ My prayers weren’t answered as she went on “She had just been worried that Anastasia might end up bothering you too much, and for that she felt that she had to speak up. Of course it was wrong of us to make assumptions like that, so we would like to formally apologize to you as well.”

Jennifer adds to her deception. “Yes! Yes that’s exactly what happened!” _It’s so obvious that Lindsey had just made that up and Jennifer is simply jumping in on her lie_. _She didn’t sound convincing at all._ “She’s right, I was only worried for your sake. It must be tough being adored by so many people. What with all the stalkers that you have to deal with as well.” The two of them start to giggle as if they were talking about me in that last sentence. My rage was boiling to a dangerously high temperature now. _Sigh_.  _Here comes the rest of the bullshit train—_ “I was trying to be respectful of you and not push too much. Of course I wanted to be close to the person that I admired so much, but not to such a degree that it would make you uncomfortable. I want to be sure that you are always feeling comfortable and happy. So don’t hesitate to feel relaxed around me, okay Mr. Grey.” I couldn’t see it, but I was almost certain she gave a wink to him just there. At that, I couldn’t help but make fake gagging motions to myself. So many weird looks were now being given behind me. _If he falls for this crap all of my respect for him as an intelligent person will go right out the window_.

Finally getting the chance to give his response, Christian calmly says “I see. While I am flattered to hear that you’re thinking about me, I think I can handle my stalkers on my own. As well as be the judge of what I consider going overboard. Personally I don’t find Anastasia to be bothersome so the two of you don’t have to worry about that anymore. Also, I’ve seen a lot of fighting over me occur in my years, so I’ve gotten pretty good at identifying it. Trying to fool me would be futile.” His speaking gets rougher “Regardless of what your intentions were yesterday, the point that I would still like to make across is that _no matter what happens_ I don’t want to see the two of you going after Anastasia for it. If I have made myself clear now then this conversation is over. Thank you for listening. I’m going to head back inside now.”

With that, Christian immediately came back through the door and I quickly shot my head down towards my phone, trying to make it seem like I was on it the whole time. The girls couldn’t be seen following behind him. _They must have stayed back in shock. I’m sure they were expecting that Christian would be wanting to talk with them. So when he only brought up conversation about me then left when it was finished, they were probably enraged_. I snickered in an evil manner into my phone.  The man to the other side of me now gave me the “this girl is freaking cray, cray look.”

_On one point, I’m really thankful that he spoke up for me like that. On another point, I’m also annoyed that he did because now they are just going to hate me even more. Their idol defending some random girl. That’s not going to go over too well. But at least now they know that he will get upset if they do try to do anything to me. So even if they wanted to, I’m sure they wouldn’t do anything to upset their “beloved Christian”. I mean, they just made up an entire ridiculous story in order to impress him with how “kind” they are._

As my thoughts chilled out, the anxiety began to subside. Knowing that something would now be blocking them from getting near me helped to calm my nerves. _I guess I should be thankful to Christian for what he did. He’s not somebody that I wanted to owe anything to, but he really went out of his way to do that for me when he didn’t have to. I figured he would be some sort of rich snob, but that act of kindness is making me question that. Maybe he really isn’t so bad after all. I mean, what reason would he have to care about some random girl like me? People probably get harassed all the time because of him. It’s not something that he should have to care about._

He returned to his seat. An internal war started within me about whether I should admit that I was listening in on their conversation and thank him for what he did, or just pretend that I didn’t hear anything and mind my own business. Before I even got the chance to decide, the professor whom had been sitting at his desk stood up and called for class to resume. The girls finally came back in with their heads down in embarrassment. They quickly made their way to back to their seats, not even making a glance over at us.

_Well I guess that answers that. I’ll just pretend that I never heard a thing and move on._

Being able to focus a little better on the lecture now, I could hear the professor’s rant on “how porn affects the way we view sex” crystal clear. A pretty awkward topic to be discussing while sitting next to the stud of the school to be honest. To make things even more awkward, he suddenly called for a partnered discussion. “Okay class, let’s all partner up with the person to left of you. Discuss with them about whether or not it would be best to change the way that porn is made, or to make it illegal. Argue your point, or if you both agree on the answer, then brainstorm ways to make your argument stronger. I’ll give you ten minutes.”

_It just had to be the person to the left, didn’t it?_

Somehow the seats were numbered up perfectly enough that I wasn’t the left person to the guy to the right of me. Instead, I was the person to the right of Christian. That makes us partners. Which means I was being partnered up to talk about porn with the most popular guy in the university.

_Great._

I turn to the left, looking down at the floor still _. Well at least it’s a good thing that I didn’t have to hear the lecture earlier today to know the answer to this one. What an obvious question. The bad thing though is that I now have to talk to him and consider whether I should still try thanking him or not. Also that many jealous glances are being given to me by everyone in the class now. Jennifer and Lindsey seem to be ignoring it though… Hmmm– Guess he got them good._

Being very careful not to make eye contact with him, I try to start the conversation. In my exceptional awkwardness I start to stutter “Um, w-well, personally I think that changing the way that it’s made would make a lot more sense because—”

“Hey forget about the discussion I have a question for you.” He suddenly interrupts what I was saying.

So startled about the unexpected interference I look up at him. He was staring directly into my eyes. Very focused on me. I couldn’t help but stop and stare back at him, blinking a few times.

Regaining consciousness I ask, “oh um a question? What question is that?”

“Do let me know if I am overstepping any boundaries, but as you may have heard I am a licensed therapist.”

“Yes, I have heard about that….and?” I wondered why in the hell he could suddenly be bringing that up.

“Well because of that I have spent a good deal of time studying psychology and learning about different types of phobias, mental illnesses and such. After observing what happened this morning when Jennifer tried to touch you, I couldn’t help but notice that you appeared to show some signs of Haphephobia. That would be the fear of physical contact. You can correct me if I’m wrong. It is a rare one that I haven’t encountered very often.”

His question left me in complete and total shock. _How in god’s name did this guy know that from just one incident? Nobody has ever figured it out before. Most people just think that I’m some sort of freak until I tell them. Even then they still think that I’m a freak. Furthermore, why is it any of his business if I do anyway?_

“Um, I’m sorry but what led you to that conclusion?” It was clear from my voice that I was kind of pissed off.

“Most people would only be startled by a person grabbing them from behind. Your reaction was quite more than that. The giveaway signs of a phobia were your rapid breathing and sweating. People often experience periods of intense anxiety and panic when faced directly with the phobia. You were definitely showing these classic signs, including fear. The look on your face told me that you were afraid of her, even before seeing who she was.”

_How is it that this guy is able to read me so well without even knowing me? Maybe he really is a genius._ “Alright. So what’s it to you anyway? Why do you want to know if I have Haphephobia or not?”

“I’ll take that a yes.”

“You can take it as a question.” My voice was very stern. 

“Okay, sorry. You see, as I said, this is a really rare phobia and I haven’t gotten much of a chance to witness it in person. I was just really curious to learn more about it, that’s all. As I also said, I don’t mean to overstep any boundaries. If you don’t want to answer me that’s quite alright.” He spoke with a very kind and almost deceptive voice.

“Oh I get it.” I lean back in my chair with my arms crossed. “So that warning to Jennifer and Lindsey earlier was just a performance to get me to like you so that I would share information with you? I’m not some sort of test subject you can manipulate to get the information you want from.”

“Oh, you overheard my conversation with those two earlier?”

_Shit_.

Scrambling for the right words I scratch the back of my head and give and awkward laugh. “Ah yes, well I mean you were standing quite close to the open door. It’s not like I could have ignored it if I tried.” I may have been telling a little white lie, but it wasn’t going to hurt him.

“I see.” His voice seemed more serious now. “Well believe what you want but I sincerely did that out of the goodness of my heart. I would have hated to see you be attacked all because I stupidly interfered. I’ve seen it happen to others before, and I never stopped blaming myself for those incidents. I could tell that they had become really jealous as a result of my actions, so I knew that I had to clean up the mess I made. I didn’t mean to cause trouble, I only wanted to help since the reason she had approached you was because of me anyway. The curiosity about your phobia only started to develop after class began.”

Listening to everything he had to say he actually seemed really sincere. I was still a bit skeptical of his intentions, but why not give him the benefit of the doubt? _It still kind of irritates me that the only reason he was talking to me in the first place was because he wanted to learn about my phobia though. Then again, why do I care what he thinks about me? I don’t care…do I?_

“Well if that is the case then I didn’t get the chance to properly thank you yet,” I said after calming myself down. “I had been quite stressed out from worrying about the retaliation from those two. Your warning to them really helped to put me at ease. You could have just ignored it and went on with your day, but you were looking out for me. So thank you. You have my gratitude.” I gave a short bow of my head to him.

“It was the least that I could do.” A small smile formed on his lips. “Actually to be one hundred percent honest…the real reason that I wanted to talk with you was because I was really impressed by you the other day.”

“Impressed with me? What the heck did I do?”

“The way that you responded to Jennifer when she told you off about sitting in the front row in order to get close to me. You stood up for yourself. And the thing is that I actually believed you when you said that you weren’t doing it for me but for your studies. I can tell that you’re a really serious student. I really admire that about you. Most people in my classes are only there because they heard I was going to be in them. They never focus on the lecture but always focus on trying to talk with me instead. But you. You were different. Nobody has ever cared so little about me before. It left me very intrigued.

 “So…..let me get this straight. You like me because I didn’t give a crap about you?”

“Precisely.”

_Is this guy seriously for real? Who the fuck gets intrigued by somebody who doesn’t obsess over them? He must be so conceited that he couldn’t believe that somebody wouldn’t be in love with him. Maybe this is all really a game to get me to become one of his fans. Maybe he couldn’t stand to see somebody that didn’t worship the ground he walked on. If he thinks I’m going to fall for him just because he knew a thing or two about my phobia, and came to my rescue then he’s delusional. And to think I was just starting to trust him!  Hah!_

He laughs with a giant smile on his face. “I know it sounds strange when I put it like that. But what I really mean is that I admire you for being serious about learning. I too am an extremely serious person when it comes to my studies. That’s why I’m here even though I already have my degree and license. I want to learn as much as I can so that I can help everyone to the best of my ability. I would also like to help you if you would let me.”

I quickly peer around the room to see if anybody had been listening in on our conversation the whole time. Thankfully it seemed that everyone was too busy getting into heated debates to notice the exchange happening between us. That last line had especially made me nervous.

“Help me? What do you mean by that?”

“I mean I would like to offer to invite you to come to my clinic for free therapy sessions. It would be a win-win situation for the both of us. I get to learn more about Haphephobia, and you can get help with overcoming it. What do you say?”

My mouth drops wide open. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Here he is just smiling and casually asking me if I want to get free therapy sessions from a stranger that I just talked to for the first time. _Who even says I need help anyway? Mr. Pretty Boy here was pretty quick to jump to that conclusion._

“Look, I’m flattered by the offer, but I’m a little offended by the fact that you think I need help. Maybe you should have asked me if I even wanted your help in the first place. I’ve figured out how to manage my phobia on my own without facing too many problems in the last few years, and so I am just content the way that I am.” Getting visibly angry by this point, I turn back in my chair, facing the front. “Now if you’ll excuse me I would like to get back to the subject matter that we are supposed to be discussing. I assume you agree, being that you are also serious about your studies, correct?”

Christian seemed absolutely flabbergasted. His mouth was slightly open and his eyes blinked several times. _Guess he’s not too used to people declining his offer_. _Bwa ha ha._

Right as he raised his finger up to speak, the professor called for an end to the discussions. “Okay class it’s time to wrap things up! We will turn this into a whole classroom debate.” The room slowly fell silent as everyone turned their attention to the professor.

For the rest of the duration of the class an array of stupid and good points were thrown around. An argument with some shouting happened here and there. Some teaming up against one another occurred. Friendships were formed and broken. Maybe a little crying in between. Just your typical classroom debate.

As soon as the big man called class off, I didn’t waste any time. Already having packed my bags early, I sprinted for the door, leaving Christian in the dust. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him try to follow behind me. To his dismay, I had already gotten too far ahead of him to catch up. Foolishly, I thought that I was home safe. But little did I know that the backseat sisters had actually secretly been listening in on our entire conversation the whole time.

 

 

 

*NOTE: Hey guys! :D Just letting everyone know that I will be posting chapter updates about once per week or so. Due to the length of the chapters, and the fact that I usually do at least one round of editing or more for quality purposes, they do take a while to create. Also because I’m working full time right now. But no worries! I fully intend to see this story to the end! (Rhyme not intentional, haha) Stay tuned for more guys! :D


	3. Chapter 3

Back at my apartment, I waited for Kate to come home. Today was just so crazy that I needed some good old friend time to get my mind off of it. Kate had been too caught up in some lab work to meet with me for lunch, so I just ate in the outside courtyard alone. My body wouldn’t stop shaking when thinking about the moment Christian had offered his help to me. _Ooooo that no good guy!_ _One of the most famous therapists just waltzing up to me and offering free sessions so that he can learn more about me. This all just has to be one really long dream. It just has to. Maybe I’ll have Kate pinch me when she gets home._

The intruding thoughts kept me on my feet. Walking up and down the hallway in a loop, my mind just kept diving deeper and deeper. _Getting angry at him probably wasn’t the best idea. The shakiness I’m feeling must be from the adrenaline wearing off from that moment. It was a pretty bold thing to do to somebody famous like that. But if he really is just scamming me to make me obsessed with him and then dump me the day after then he deserves it. On the other hand, if he **was** sincere then I feel pretty bad for lashing out like that…..ah who am I kidding it was super rude of him to make that assumption about me anyway. I never said I needed help. He just decided to pity me without even knowing anything about me. Maybe I hate people and don’t want to touch them anyway! Bet he didn’t think about that one! Then again… maybe he’s right and I do need some help….gah! Would you look at that! He’s getting into my head again! Well…but I’ve never gone to seek out therapy before and maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I could get rid of this and start living a normal life again…..wait no I’m definitely fine my life has been great. Who needs to be normal! Normal is so overrated anyway. _

I continued to pace back and forth in the apartment having an internal war with myself while waiting for Kate. It seemed like she was never going to show up. Just when I thought all hope was lost I heard the sound of the door opening.

“KATE!!” I burst out in an overly excited tone and ran toward her before she could even finish getting through the door.

“Jeez Louis what in tarnation’s is going on here? Why are you so excited to see me?” She finishes coming inside and starts to take off her shoes.

Realizing that what I just did was kind of embarrassing, I stop in front of her. “Oh you know it’s just been a while since I’ve gotten to see you. I was feeling pretty bored sitting in the apartment all by myself.”

“You don’t have any homework or anything to do?”

“Nah. The start of the quarter has been pretty slow.” 

“Well in that case, let’s cook dinner together and watch a movie while eating. We haven’t done that in a while.”

“Sounds great!”

Agreeing one hundred percent with her suggestion, I skipped off to the kitchen to look for some ingredients to prepare the meal. _A nice movie night with Kate should be just what I need to get my mind off of things_ , I happily thought while purposefully sliding through the kitchen on my socks. Managing to find some tomato sauce and pasta, as well a thing of garlic bread, I decided on spaghetti for tonight’s menu.

Kate joined me by the counter, and we prepped everything for the meal. Cooking together was really fun. We blasted some of our favorite music off of our playlist. The two of us danced around the kitchen like maniacs while waiting for the water to boil. Kate tried her best to do a K-pop dance cover impression, but failed miserably. It was pretty entertaining to watch. She often got inspired after staying up all night watching music videos. One of her life long dreams was to be a dancer after all. Too bad she just so happened to suck at it. _Guess we can’t always have what we want_ , I smiled at her as she thrashed about the kitchen, nearly slipping and falling on her face. It never stopped her from dancing though.

After much giggling and singing into the noodles to make it taste better, our fine cuisine was ready— well, at least fine cuisine in the standard of broke college students. _Can’t get any fancier than garlic bread!_

We brought our bowls out to the couch, and huddled in front of the computer screen on the desk, since we were of course also too poor to afford a real TV. Kate put on a romantic comedy. _Not exactly the kind of film I was hoping to watch right now…_

“Hey how about a horror movie tonight?” I asked. “We haven’t seen one in a while.”

“While we are eating spaghetti!?” She didn’t seem too thrilled.

“Yeah I mean I’ll make sure not to choose a gory one. Only a thriller. What do ya say?” Batting my eyelashes at her and doing my cutesy look, I was hoping to convince her with my irresistible face.

Rolling her eyes at me she agreed. I was usually pretty good at getting my way with her. She was far too much of a pushover. Not wanting to take advantage of her, I usually just went with whatever she wanted. Today was a special occasion though.

We turned on the first horror film that we could find, but only thirty minutes into the movie, I somehow found that even the screams of people being haunted by demons wasn’t enough to keep me distracted. The silence left my brain to think on its own. I kept squirming in my seat. My body was just too restless with all of the thoughts. My endless fidgeting didn’t go unnoticed by Kate.

“Hey you okay today? You seem pretty distracted. I thought you were the one who wanted to watch this, and yet it seems like I’m the only one that’s actually interested in it right now.”

“Huh?” Her questioning snapped me out of floating off into my own world. Seeing her expectant face, I jumped up from my slouched position. “Oh yeah the movie. I’m watching it. It’s getting pretty good.”

“Oh really,” she asked skeptically. “So which character just died then?”

She was obviously not buying it, for she was right about me not knowing the answer to that question. “That one guy. I forget his name.”

“Wow that’s funny,” she crosses her arms. “Guess he was so unmemorable that you can’t even remember his gender either.” Her look became really stern “Because he was a she.”

_Caught red handed. There really is no fooling this girl_. “I’m sorry. I guess I’m just not feeling in the mood for a movie today.”

She exits out of the page and closes the laptop, her body now turned directly facing me. “Alright what’s up? You’ve been acting really strange today. First you are overly excited to see me when I get home, then you don’t like my choice in movie, and now even though we put on the one that you wanted you keep shuffling around in your seat not watching it at all anyway. Is something on your mind?”

I try my best to convince her that everything is fine but she still won’t fall for it. She just raises her eyebrow at me and gives me the “uh-huh” look. “Alright. Alright,” I give in. “I guess I’ll tell you what’s up. But you have to promise not to freak out, okay? Also that you won’t tell anyone.”

A sly smile creeps up onto her face. “While I can promise that I won’t tell anybody, I can’t, however, assure you that my reaction will be to your liking.” 

Sighing heavily, I decide to proceed anyway. _It’s not like she’s ever going to let it go after that_. “So….” I start off. “I kind of had an episode in the hallway today.”

“An episode? What do you mean by that? Did somebody try to touch you?”

“Yes,” I reluctantly replied. “Remember the girl from my class that said she wanted revenge on me? Well, she grabbed me from behind on my way into class today. I screamed so loud that it echoed through the hallway, and then pushed her off of me to such an extent that it caused her to fall back into her friend and me to fall on my ass.”

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?” She jumped up in her seat, holding her arm on the side of the couch for support from the shock. “I thought she was just saying it because she was mad. I can’t believe she actually tried to go after you!” Removing her hand from the arm rest she sits crisscross on the couch facing me with her head down in shame. Switching to a more apologetic tone now she adds, “Man I’m really sorry Anastasia. I should have taken it more seriously when I heard it before. Instead, I got carried away and only focused on talking about Christian. But obviously there were more important things to have my attention on.”

“That’s okay,” I tried to sooth her with my soft tone. “Nobody would expect that she would approach some stranger just because they sat next to her idol on accident. Besides, it’s not like you could have done anything about it anyway.” A smile meant to cheer her up lifted on my lips.

“Boy I ought to smack that girl right in the face,” she says as she makes a fist with her right hand and punches it into her open left hand. With intense eyebrows she keeps pummeling into it over and over while going “Rah!” The open hand signifying Jessica’s face that was about to beat right off because of my dear friend whom was currently blinded with rage.

Her little demonstration made me crack up. “Hey there, hey there,” I waved my hands. “No need to be so drastic. Nothing much really happened other than some extreme embarrassment and a possible ruined reputation. Ha-ha!” The way I spoke was both excited and sarcastic at the same time in an attempt to lighten the mood. “But you know, at least she ended up not doing anything further after that.” 

“She didn’t? Why not?” Quitting her antics to look at me, her face showed some clear signs of confusion.

“Well you _see_ ….speaking of Christian…” My voice trailed off as I directed my eye contact away from her.

She leans in close to me with the biggest, slyest grin I had ever seen her give. “Oh? Whatever could he have to do with this my dear?” It could have just been my imagination but her eyebrows almost appeared to be doing a little dance.

Shaking my head at her insinuation, I tried to shut her down. “Good lord! Don’t get too ahead of yourself Kate! It’s nothing like that. Let me tell you what happened first.”

“Okay sorry. Go on.”

 Clearing my throat I went on with my story. “First off, what happened was Christian was somehow right behind her right as she did that. Then I guess he felt bad about the whole ordeal occurring because of him, so he _kind of_ covered for me and helped me up.”

Kate stared at me for a moment seeming to be lost in some other world. Her hand lifted up to her forehead as she fell back into the couch making it seem like she was passing out. She laid there for a few seconds as I raised my eyebrow at her. Popping up after finishing her dramatic act, she shouts at me “How can you say that so nonchalantly!? That’s amazing!” her arms threw out in the air as she spoke. “Oh man, I always knew that guy was a sweet heart and that you two would end up falling in love.” She clasps her hands together and looks up into the sky all dreamy like.

Rolling my eyes at her yet again I say “Please Kate. You’re so rash. He just helped me up. That doesn’t mean we are dating. It was j—”

“So what happened next? Did he say anything specific? How did Jennifer react? How many people were around? Are you in the news now?” Before even finishing what I was saying she interrupted my sentence to throw her millions of questions at me. Clearly she didn’t want to stop to listen to reason. _She just wants the juicy details on me and Christian so that she can write her new fanfiction about us or something._

I lazily but efficiently answered all of her questions. “Yes, Jennifer was there and she looked extremely jealous. No, I’m not in the news but a bunch of people in the hallway saw everything that happened.” Shifting in my seat I tried to get off the topic so that I could continue with my story. “So as I was saying, after that we just went back into the classroom and sat in the same seats as last time.” Not wanting to get too specific with the details on what occurred, I just gave her a brief summary so that she wouldn’t conjure up some ridiculous fantasy from Christian’s words. For some reason this seemed to settle her down.

“Alright time to get serious now,” she sat up straight. “I said that I would focus on your safety more than your love life from now on, and I’m going to stand by that. So you think you’ll be okay? Jennifer probably hates you even more after that. As well as a ton of jealous people who will now know he single handedly helped you out. Looks quite suspicious.”

“Yeah…” my saddened voice agreed with her. “I was extremely nervous about that as well. I couldn’t focus on the lecture at all. I don’t know about the others who saw what happened, but I do know now that I won’t have to worry about Jennifer and her friends.”

“Whyyyyyyy?” Her eyebrow lifts in suspicion.

“Because during our break he took her out to the hallway to make her swear that she won’t try to mess with me again or he will do something about it.”

Kates face twists into something unreal. Her happiness turning into a look so bizarre that she could be mistaken for a creature from another dimension.  “My god,” she stops for a second. “I just knew he couldn’t help but to fall in love with you the second he sat next to you!”

Just about having it with her delusions, I tried to put an end to it. “Kaaaaaaaate! For the last time! We are not in love he was just being nice and taking responsibility for himself!” She was about to say something, but before she could, I spoke again. “Actually,” I pointed my finger up. “As I later found out from his actions I believe that he’s just doing all this because he’s upset that I’m not in love with him like everybody else in the school. So now he wants to woo me into becoming obsessed with him because he can’t stand the thought of me not giving a crap about him.”

“What would possibly make you think that!?” She holds her hands out in front of her with her palms faced up, beckoning me to give her an answer to a question that she finds obvious.

“He and I were partnered up in a discussion, and instead of doing our work he goes on about how he realized I have Haphephobia because of his great skills as a therapist. Then he suggests that he wants to learn more about it and offers me some free sessions to help cure me.”

She says nothing as she keeps looking at me, staying completely still. Just as I expected her to give some ridiculous grin again, she instead stands up completely blank faced and walks over to the bathroom nearby. Shutting the door, she disappears into the room and nothing but silence could be heard for a good thirty seconds.

I just stare in extreme confusion at the closed bathroom door. _What prompted her to suddenly use the restroom without a word in the middle of such an important conversation?_ Puzzled, my question was answered as the half minute of silence was broken by a very loud “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRL!? LORD PLEASE HELP HER!!”

Her shouting was so loud it could have awoken any of our sleeping neighbors. The door handle twisted to the left and she emerged from the inside of the room immediately following her outburst. I really didn’t know what to say. All I could do is blink and watch her as she came calmly back to the couch.

“Sorry about that just now,” she apologized as she sat down. “I had to let my emotions out somewhere without disturbing you.” 

“Disturbing _me_?” I placed my hand on my chest, appalled, shouting out “Forget me! You probably just disturbed all the neighbors! I’m surprised we haven’t gotten any knocks on our door yet! What was that all about anyway!?” My shock was clearly apparent in my voice as I threw my hands into the air.

“You are just so oblivious sometimes I felt the need to go and pray for you. These kind of things have to be done in private you know.”

“Oblivious? What am I oblivious about!?” my frustration starting to show now.

“The man offers you free therapy sessions at his top clinic because he wants to learn more about you and the first thing you think is that he’s plotting against you? Are you serious?”

She obviously wasn’t able to see what I was because of her lack of detail. “Okay, first of all, he said that wants to learn more about my phobia. Not about me. Second of all, he directly told me that he was intrigued by me because I didn’t give a crap about him. What kind of person seriously thinks like that!? It must be because he was irritated by it.”

“ _Or_ ,” she emphasizes. “Maybe because he is so famous it was refreshing to see a person who didn’t automatically love him for his fame. You ever think about that?” Kate seemed to seriously be judging me. The look she was giving implied that I was a bad person for demonizing him once again.

“Look, I know that you’re probably thinking that I am just jumping to conclusions and making him out to be a bad guy again because he’s famous, but he seriously pissed me off when he just assumed that I wanted his help with my phobia like that! I don’t need help! I’m doing just fine on my own. He should stay out of it and mind his own business.” I crossed my arms in annoyance.

“You know what Ana? This is kind of what I talked to you about before. I think you try too hard to seem strong all the time. You want to make everyone else as well as yourself believe that you are fine when you’re not. I know that you’re an extremely tough and intelligent person that has gotten through so much. I have always idolized you for how strong you are, and wish that I could be as amazing as you. You may be fine on your own, but maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to accept someone else’s help. I love you either way, but it wouldn’t hurt to start trying to finally get rid of this phobia that’s been hindering you from certain aspects of your life. You just kind of accepted that you had it without ever going in to see anybody about it. But the more I think, the more I wonder what the reason for letting it continue is.”

Kate’s heart to heart struck me hard. _Why **have** I been letting it continue for so long?_ _I guess I never really did consider the fact that I could change it. I just accepted it as a new part of my personality._

My thoughts didn’t match my words as I lashed out “Because it’s who I am, and I like the way that I am! Why would I need to change myself?” Even though I knew that Kate was right, I still got really angry and defensive about it. _Maybe it isn’t part of my personality as she says. It’s just so hard to say…_

“No Anastasia. It’s not part of your personality.” She spoke with an extremely firm tone, as if she took the words right out of my thoughts. I had never seen her look so stern and serious with me before. I couldn’t help but shut up and listen to what she had to say. “It’s something that you developed because of that asshole. It’s only a part of your life now, not a part of you. This phobia would have never existed if it weren’t for him. Thus you shouldn’t let that bitch continue to control your life even now. I think that maybe now is the time to start getting the real revenge, and that’s being happy and free despite everything that he put you through.”   

I was at a complete and total loss of what to say now. Her words came tumbling onto me like a thousand pound of bricks. Each brick jumping up afterwards to reach out a giant white gloved cartoon hand and give me a big ol’ slap on the face before finishing with me. It was the wakeup call that I needed. I fell silent and drooped my head down in thought. She just kept her eyes on me, awaiting a response.

We both sat there without a word or movement for quite some time as I tried to get my thoughts together. Finally deciding that she spoke the truth, and that I was trying too hard to be in denial, I raised my head and looked at her in defeat. “Okay, let’s say that I was to decide that I should seek help to try and start getting rid of this thing.”

“Yes, okay,” her head perked up.

“How can I be sure that Christian’s intentions are good and that I am not going to just end up even more hurt and used in the end?”

She looked at me with a complete and total serious face. “To be completely honest with you Anastasia, you cant. But that doesn’t me that you shouldn’t give it a try. In my opinion, it seems like he’s actually being earnest and isn’t just trying to mess with you for his enjoyment. I would suggest going for it. But if your gut feeling tells you that this isn’t the case, then at least go find a different therapist.”

This was the first time she hadn’t gotten all giddy and joking about the matter between me and Christian. It really made me start to trust in what she was saying for the first time. “Alright you win,” I finally gave in, with the last sigh of the day let out. “I’ll go in tomorrow and tell him that I was mistaken and would like to apologize.” Her face started to brighten up, but before she got too excited I stopped her with a, “BUT.”

“But?” she tilted her head to the side. 

“But, I won’t be accepting his offer quite yet. I still need to think on it first.”

“You’ll think on it!?” she bounced up in excitement. “So that means that you haven’t denied the idea and might actually go for it!?”

“Hey, I said I’ll think on it,” I firmly assured her. “It’s not a guarantee. But yes, I will put it into consideration.”

Kate’s face was shining with so much pride and content that it could have blinded me.


	4. Chapter 4

Today I was so nervous that I arrived twenty minutes early. I needed all the time that I could get to mentally prepare myself for talking to Christian again. _He’ll probably think that I’m also bipolar or something when I come back acting all nice and apologetic towards him. So how should I go about it? Say I’m sorry the second that he walks in? But what if he’s mad and sits somewhere else? How the heck am I going to talk to him then…_

Feeling completely out of control of the situation, I just sat with my face in my hands, leaning on top of the desk, utterly dejected. _This is what my bad attitude gets me._ Realizing that trying to plan for an unknown situation is useless, I just pull out my books and start studying. At least then I could make a productive use of my time.

Fifteen minutes goes by quickly and I nervously glance on and off at the door. Nearly every person that walked into the classroom stared at me as they came in today. I’ve quickly become the most unpopular yet popular person in the class. I hid my face in my book to avoid being seen. _Let’s pray that word of me doesn’t spread too far_.

Another three minutes pass and he still doesn’t arrive. _That’s weird. He’s always pretty punctual with the five minute thing. Maybe he’s so upset that he’s not even going to come to class at all._ Flicking my head up from out of the book with wide eyes in horror, a dreadful thought came to me. _Oh god, what if he quits the class!? It’s still early enough in the quarter that he could do that._

Sliding down over the top of my desk, chin pressed against the hard, solid edge, I dangle my arms off the front with my textbook in one hand and let out sad hum from the feeling of eminent doom. In the midst of my outburst, Jennifer and Lindsey enter the classroom later than usual. They looked at the seat beside me, seeming shocked at its emptiness. Quickly, I sit back up straight, trying to look normal and clear my throat to brush off the situation. Stopping for a brief moment, they whispered something into each other’s ears. My keen hearing was not good enough to pick up on what they were saying this time. Taking one more glance at me, we meet each other’s eyes, and they quickly look away and run back to their seats after realizing that I had seen them. _That was strange_ …, I thought to myself as I returned to pretending to be interested in looking over the chapter on fetish development. W _onder what they’re up to? Ah well,_ I shake my head brush it off. _At least they’re not bothering me right now._

The way those two come dressed to class everyday leaves me the utmost amused. Most students show up dressed in sweat pants, with messy hair that they probably used dry shampoo on from having gone days without the time to shower in between all the studying. Having to stay up all night working on assignments, then waking up bright and early in the morning for lecture doesn’t give one much time to spend on their appearance. That fact alone is a dead giveaway that they don’t actually spend much time on their schoolwork. Jennifer, with her ridiculously long bleach blonde hair, never fails to have it perfectly straightened and styled every morning. Her outfits always look like they cost a fortune, and yet she has a new one on every single day. Her daily makeup looks like it came straight out of Instagram— definitely not a look that’s meant to be worn on a day-to-day basis due to the mass time consumption.

Lindsey on the other hand has long brunette hair that is always worn back in a sleek ponytail. Not once have I seen her wear it down. This is an indicator to me that she actually cares about putting a bit more time into her studies than Jennifer does, but tries to still keep up to the beauty standard of her best friend as not to fall behind. The time taken away from doing her hair is compensated by the equally intensive baddie look makeup, and uber stylistic clothing. _How can these girls have time for this every day and still keep up good enough grades to stay in the school? Seriously… all they care about must just be looking good for Christian. Do they get all dolled up like that when they don’t have a class with him? The hope is that we woman can realize there is more to life than getting with some handsome rich man like Disney always taught us._

The clock turned to 8:59 and still Christian hadn’t showed up. Resting my head into my right arm on the desk, I fall into deep thought again. _I must have scared him off for sure. I’m such an idiot. Kate is going to kill me when she finds out. She probably will think that I was lying to her because I didn’t want to do it_. As I was looking down, too busy beating myself up to notice, Christian walked into the room and sat down next to me. My string of self-loathing was interrupted by a sudden “Good morning Anastasia. Hope you had a nice evening yesterday.” 

Slowly, I turn my head to the side, my hand still supporting the weight of my head on the desk. Eyes widening at the sight of him, my whole body froze and my focus locked onto his smiling face. Despite the unresponsive stare, he just kept smiling.

As I opened my mouth to attempt to respond amidst my shock, the professor walked into the room, announcing the start of class. Christian turned back forward and focused on the lecture. _Oh my god what the hell was that Anastasia!?_ I shook my head back and forth to snap out of it. Embarrassed, I also turned my attention over to the professor, pretending as if nothing had happened.

The rest of the seats around us started to fill by students sneaking up to the front while the professor was talking. _Come to think of it, that girl that had tried to flirt with him the first day never came to sit in the front row again. Guess she was too embarrassed after that incident to try again. Everyone else must be waiting for their chance to be partnered up with him now. Ever since her shameful moment, I don’t think any of the others wanted to try their hand at flirting with him either. On top of that, they also probably don’t want to end up like Jennifer by going after me. Must be the only reason that I’m saved for now. Man…that means I really should be thankful to Christian then…_

As time went by, my focus on the lecture kept dipping in and out as I debated about when I should say something to him _. Looks like he decided to show up after all. I should try to catch him before he leaves for break. At least he seems to be in a good mood and not harboring any resentment towards me for yesterday_.

 

Our mid class break was called for as usual. Mustering up the courage to say something, I ready myself to face him with a little self-encouragement. _Alright! I’m going to do it! Here goes nothing!_ Just as I turn over to speak, Jennifer reaches forward and attempts to tap me on the shoulder. Thankfully, since I had already been facing towards Christian, I was able to see her coming at me out of the corner of my eye. Out of instinct I immediately jump back, dodging her finger, nearly tipping the desk over in my panic.

She stops and returns her hand back to her lap, showing clear signs of confusion. _I suppose it could be normal that somebody might jump away from a person they believed had a beef with them, right?_

“Didn’t mean to alarm you,” she says in an unusually kind tone toward me. “I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry about what happened with us the other day. I’ve been reconsidering my actions and I realized that I was wrong to accuse you of things before even getting to know you. So,” she takes a deep breath in. “I was thinking that it’d be a great idea if we did! If you’re willing to forgive me, I think we could be great friends with a fresh start. In fact, Lindsey and I were planning to grab some dinner together after school and we would love for you to join us. It’s on us as an apology.” She smiles at me with her fake ass smile.

I raise my eyebrows up in astonishment. _Don’t know what she’s up to, but I do know that it definitely can’t be anything good. Already she’s interrupted me from getting the chance to speak with Christian…so maybe that was somehow part of it_? “Thanks for the offer but I’m actually quite busy after school today,” I lie straight through my teeth. “I really like the idea of forgetting the past and being friends though. So I would like to take you up on that one and propose a truce.”

“A truce you say?” For a split second she looked really peeved that I didn’t accept the invite, but quickly jumped back to her happy expression. “I would love that. A truce it is. Let’s shake on it.” Her hand extends out towards mine. Expecting me to reciprocate.

 Peering down at her prim and polished hand garnished with fake hot pink nails, I could feel an aura of hatred circling around it. _That one is going to be even more difficult to shake than Christians._ Softly, I say “Uh, I think a good strong fist pump will better suiting. Don’t you agree?” Holding my fist up into the air, I bob it down then back up while saying “Truce.”

 “Ah ha. Yeah,” she gives me an awkward laugh as if I was crazy. Looking completely unamused, her tone becomes a very forced happy one. “A fist pump is _definitely_ more perfect. Why didn’t I think of that?” She does the same thing back to me with a sarcastic smile and I follow along with her trying to look as happy-go-lucky about it as possible. “Well thanks so much for understanding,” she goes on. “I can’t wait to be good friends. Do let me know when you aren’t too busy to have dinner with us next time.”

“Yeah I’ll definitely do that!” _Not._

“Great!” Her response sounds so fake that I don’t know who she thought she was fooling. Turning over to Lindsey, she whispers “Weirdo” into her ear, thinking that nobody would notice. _Clearly she isn’t the brightest tool in the shed. Must have gotten in this school by her parents money._

Unfortunately, the witch had managed to take up the entire break with the proposal. Frustrated, I grumbled internally to myself.  _I have no idea when I’m going to get the chance to talk to Christian now. If I do it tomorrow it will be kind of awkward since two days will have already passed by. There has to be some way to talk to him today still. Please, please let class get out early today!_ Crossing my fingers underneath my desk, my legs bounced up and down from the restlessness.

With a beacon of hope, the professor soon became the answer to my prayers. Another partnered discussion was called. But this time, he wanted us to create a mini presentation. We were to pick one way that porn could be changed for the better from the list made in yesterday’s lecture, then present together on how and why it would make a difference in three minutes. He wrapped up the instructions with, “Okay everyone. Get together with the same partner you had yesterday.”

 It was difficult to restrain myself from jumping up in excitement upon hearing the directions. _Hallelujah I’m saved! I’ll be sure to write this beautiful soul a thank you card later or something_!

He went on. “If your partner is absent today come see me. Make sure to focus on the psychological aspects of how it affects our minds. Computers and phones may be used to do research. You have the rest of the class to prepare. Good luck, and come in Monday morning ready to present the findings.”

I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would ever have a reason to be happy about being partnered up with Christian. Today was the one exception. Overjoyed, I turned over to start talking to him. However, I was stopped dead in my tracks as soon as I looked into his face. Not much thought had been put into it before, but I realized that he actually was quite as handsome as everyone was making him out to be. All the other times I was too focused on avoiding him or being angry. But today— today was the first time that I really stopped to pay attention to him. Once all the anger was let out, I could see things more clearly. He had very dark features. His lusciously thick hair was long and a beautiful dark copper. It was styled upward and appeared very smooth. _A lot of time must have been put into it this morning_. I couldn’t remember if it had always looked this nice or if I was just noticing it today for some reason. _Just the other day I could have sworn that he was wearing it down_ …

The hair wasn’t the only thing that was dark. His eyes were such a deep gray that they almost seemed to blend into his pupils, turning into a big black hole that could suck you in if you spent too much time looking into them. The clothes he was wearing were very stylish and clean cut. A wonderfully sleek, and dark black trench coat was fit perfectly over his lean but fit body. The collar rose up halfway over his neck. He was very tall, and the coat complimented both his height and the equal darkness of his hair. Black definitely seemed to be his thing as even the undershirt was black with hints of gray. A silver chain and pendant hung from his neck to balance out the color. Matching black skinny jeans fit nicely to his slim legs. The skin on his face and body was so creamy and smooth that it made you immediately want to know what he was using on it. Without a doubt his skin regimen could be marketed and sold for a high price if he was the one modeling for it.

One might think that all that black would be overwhelming or look too gothic. Somehow, he managed to perfectly pull it off though. _Takes talent to look as good as he does. Plus his face itself is something of a work of art. That mother of his must have spent an extra month perfecting those features before pushing him out into this world. Did he always look this good?_ My gaze started to wander down to his lips, and it was then that I finally realized what I was doing.

My vision snapped into focus and I became fully aware of Christian peering at me with a smile in anticipation for what I was going to say. Too bad his handsome look today caught me so off guard that I forgot what it was. Looking down at the notebook on my desk, I quickly grabbed it and a pen and opened up to my notes from yesterday. My attention kept on the lines of the page as I said, “So it seems that we should pick a topic. Let’s check out the list. Did you have any favorites?”

Without even looking down at the list he responds, “I was quite fond of either making part of it in the woman’s perspective, not ending the video as soon as the man is done, or adding more love and affection to create a sense of ‘love making’ rather than a meaningless engagement.”

“Ah I s-see. All great options.” My nervousness was too apparent in my shaky voice. _Why do we have to be talking about porn_? Learning about these things in class normally didn’t even faze me, but for some reason, I became super embarrassed about it after seeing Christian. I could feel the sweat start to trickle down my neck. _It must just be from the nervousness about having to apologize to him soon_ , I thought to myself. _Yeah, that must be it_!

Contradicting my thoughts, a warm wetness started to accumulate “down there”. _What in the hell is that—_ my eyes bulged out _. This has never happened in class before_. Hearing him speak the words “love making” with that amazing get up he has on today roused my senses. The feeling made me become really self-conscious. I knew that nobody could ever know that it was happening, but for some reason I felt that they could. _Okay maybe it’s not from having to apologize…_

Feeling the need to hide my discomfort from Christian so that he couldn’t tell that something was up, I cleared my throat, and in the straightest tone that I could muster up I added “I also agree that adding an element of love to the videos was a great option. Let’s go with that one.”

“Great! Glad we agree on a topic,” he beamed. “Shall we start brainstorming our reasons for choosing that one then?” He looked down towards my notebook.

“Yes, we should do that.” Putting the pen to the page I stated “Using one notebook to write the notes on would be best. I’ll volunteer to be the writer for today since I already have mine out.” My gaze never left the page the entire time. I couldn’t stand to look into his face anymore while feeling like this. Still needing to apologize to him, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it anymore. _Maybe he’s already forgotten about it._

Apparently he hadn’t because the next thing he brought up was just that. “By the way…” his voice trails off for a minute. “Before we get started I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry about yesterday.”

“What?” Without another thought I looked back up at him.

He sounded quite serious and the previous smile on his face was gone. “I was thinking about it last night and I realized that I was wrong to make assumptions about you. It was quite rude of me to offer you something like that before you even asked for my help, so I would like to apologize. I didn’t mean to intrude on your business.” Soon the smile came back to his face as he said, “I mean can you imagine if I was wrong and you didn’t even have Haphephobia?” He laughs at himself. I just continue to blink in surprise. “Boy that would have been quite embarrassing for me. I get a little too caught up in myself some times. I have a bad habit of thinking that I know everything. You made me realize that that’s not always true. Nobody is perfect. Thus there’s no reason that you would have to change either.” His smile grows even bigger and wider as he looks directly into my eyes and says “I’m sure you’re just perfect the way that you are. It was my bad. Please accept my apology and let me see that with my own eyes. I mean, this project isn’t going to get done if we can’t get along. Right?”

“Ba-bump.”

Another beat of my heart was missed at the site of his gorgeous smile and the suggestion that I could be perfect. _That makes two apologies and two truce’s offered to me in less than an hour._ _What in the world have I been getting myself into that I caused that to happen_? _Christians was far more genuine than Jennifer’s though. His body language said everything. He truly seemed to feel bad about what he had said._

The sad puppy dog look paired with that stunning smile had me turned into somebody that I couldn’t even recognize. I couldn’t help but sympathize with him and accept his apology. Especially since I had felt that I should be the one apologizing anyway.

It was a bit easier to look at him now that the conversation had been switched to a more serious one. His apology made him seem a bit more human. _Even celebrities are people after all_. With the last bit of feelings of anger I had towards him now washed away with his words, I said, “Oh, that’s alright. I was actually meaning to apologize to you this morning but wasn’t able to find the time. I, too, was thinking on it last night and realized that I was a bit too harsh with my response. I’m sure you only had good intentions, but I have a bad habit of getting defensive and wasn’t able to see that. So I’m sorry as well. I’ll accept your apology if you accept mine.” I shot a big smile right back at him.

We both sat and looked at each other in silence for a good few seconds before softly laughing at the situation. He spoke again “Well it seems we both made some mistakes yesterday that we now regret. With that out of the way we can have a fresh start and focus on what’s important right now. And that would be our assignment.” Folding his arms and focusing back onto my notebook he proposes “Wouldn’t want to come to class with nothing prepared for tomorrow!”

“Ah yes you’re right. We should get back to that.” I flip my notebook open to a blank page and started writing the headline.

From then on we exchanged different ideas while I wrote them down. Turns out we think pretty similarly. A lot of things that I was going to say he would say first. It was quite surprising. He never really struck me as the love making type, and yet, he had so many arguments for why it was better. I was falling into his words as he spoke. The similarities in our beliefs making me feel closer with him. Some of the tension from talking with a stranger started to ease up.

On the contrary, the wet feeling from down below hadn’t seemed to ease up. It only got worse as time went on. Working on only one page caused him to have to sit very close to me in order to see what I was putting down. In order to avoid noticing his close proximity, I had to stay extremely focused on my busy penmanship. All the rapid note taking kept me so absorbed into the pages that I was unaware of the fact that Christian had been moving in slightly closer as time went on. Soon he was close enough that his face was practically on top of mine while his elbow rested atop my desk so that he could peer onto the page.

I finished writing the last bit of the sentence before I went to turn my head over to ask him for the next line. As I did, our faces came so close that they almost touched, and realization of his face now right in front of mine hit like a thousand pound of bricks. The air escaped from my lungs to such a great extent that my scream couldn’t even be let out. I pushed off from the ground in my panic. The strong force causing the entire desk to slide over and slam into the guy sitting to the right of me. The loud crashing sound that it made left the whole room in silence as everyone stared at me once again.

Said guy turned around and gave me a “what the fuck” look, but my heart was still beating at the rate of an Olympic athlete. All I could do was make nervous laughter and bow in apology to the person I just went barreling into. The desk screeched as it slid across the floor due to the high volume of friction while I tried to move it back into place. The room remained silent and Christian looked at me with a face full of shock and remorse.  His guilty expression seemed to claim “I’m so fucking sorry.”

Silence broke with the chatter that was beginning to steadily return. Heads turned back to continue with what they were working on. Christian pulled his jaw back conveying that he was thinking “oh shit, what have I done,” and I shook my head at him.

Turning to me, he apologized “My bad. I really wasn’t thinking. I completely forgot about your phobia for a minute there.” His hand was brought up to rest his face in shame. A sigh escaped his mouth. “I should have been more careful.”

Resisting the urge to cuss him out, I instead replied with a, “That’s alright. I know it’s something that’s hard to get used to. You’ll get it eventually.” 

“Still, I caused this embarrassing situation to happen. First I insulted you and now this.” His voice got really quiet as he peered around to see if anybody was listening. He leaned in a bit closer. “I’ve been making a lot of trouble for you recently, so please let me make it up to you by buying you coffee later or something.”

_What’d he just say!?_ I pulled back, almost causing my desk to slide and screech again. _Do I need to clean my ears out? He still actually wants to go out with me even after everything? The offer before was more professional, but coffee somehow seems so personal._ The intimacy of the offer made it difficult for me to get my words out. “Oh...Um. Coffee?” My voice was low and timid. “That’s alright. You don’t need to make it up to me. Your apology has been perfectly enough.”

“I still want to make it up to you anyway,” he demanded. “I’d feel better if I did. The guilt has started to get to me. Here—” Sneakily, he takes his phone out from his pocket and unlocks it. “I’ll hand you my cell phone and you can put your number in.” Passing it over to me under the desk, he seemed like some kind of drug dealer. I take it not quite knowing what to do.

The phone sits in my hand as I stare at it. It was the newest model that was only released a month ago. _To be expected from somebody with so much money_. Not knowing how to say no in this situation, I keyed my number into his phone. Right as I finished typing in the last digit he snatched it out of my hands.

“Great! Thanks for the number. I’ll be texting you shortly after class. Don’t make any plans for later today.”

I raised my finger up to respond but was cut off immediately as he stood up and said, “I don’t mean to make you do all the rest of the work, but unfortunately I have to leave class a little early today. I have some matters to attend to.” Making it to the front of my desk he leans in close again and whispers “We can practice what we are going to say later today over coffee.” He gives me a quick wink of the eye and heads out the door with all of his things.

Absolutely bewildered I watched him walk out and close the door behind him, not even giving me a single second to tell him my opinion on the matter. _Didn’t he hear me before? I just told Jennifer that I was too busy after school to have dinner with her, so what makes him so sure that I have time to have coffee with him? He must have seen straight through my lie. But still, I could have other more important things to do with my life other than go have some coffee with him. The nerve of that guy._

Lucky for him I actually didn’t have much to do today. Homework has been pretty light over the past few days. _Guess I have no choice but to meet up with him since we still didn’t go over who would be saying what next class_. Sighing relentlessly, I finish up the last bit of our notes.


	5. Chapter 5

Having left the class as soon as it ended, I found myself sitting at the outside courtyard. Sadly, I had forgotten to pack my lunch in my haste this morning. Kate also wasn’t able to meet up again. “Guess I’ll have to eat out alone today”, I exhaled in disappointment.

Due to my Haphephobia I wasn’t able to make very many friends. Forming friendships is a bit difficult when you avoid talking to people so that they don’t try to shake your hand to greet you—also when you’re known as the freak of the school. In my childhood I had managed to make such a bond with a few people that stuck around even after my problems started to develop. One of those being Kate. Some of the others left because they didn’t want to be ridiculed by having an association with the “school freak.” I didn’t blame them. There was no way that I could see me being worth their ruined reputation either. The ones that stuck around, like Kate, are the true heroes in my eyes. Sacrificing their social lives for a person like me. Their kindness makes me want to cry.

Sitting on a bench debating about where I should go out to eat, I watched my phone screen intently in anticipation for the text that was supposed to be arriving. “Why hasn’t he texted me yet? He said he’d be sending me a message shortly,” I melancholically murmured to myself.

Almost as if on cue, my phone screen flashed, showing that I had a new message. The vibration it gave off was music to my ears. As the screen lit up so did my face _. He finally texted me!_ I entered in my password and swiped down to see the text. To my dismay it wasn’t from Christian but instead from another friend of mine named José. I clicked on the notification to bring up the chat to see what he was randomly messaging me about. It had been a while since I had last seen José so I was surprised to get a text from him. Normally he was attending another university nearby mine in Seattle, but recently he had been taking a gap year to go down and visit his family in California. Studying all the time had gotten to be a bit too much for him, so he decided that it was time for a break.

The text read:                                                                                  

             Hey! Long time no see! I just got back up to Seattle a little early. The time off did wonders for me, so I decided to get back at it again this spring quarter.                  Today is one of my days off, so I was wondering if you had time right now to catch up over lunch? I was thinking that we could go out for pizza. I have so much to tell you. I think you’ll be really surprised.

Surprised I was indeed. José and I had met back in middle school at a children’s meet up for those battling with various phobias. It was one of those events that you often see in the movies where everybody sits in a circle and introduces themselves then announces what their problems are. It had ended up being a load of crap but it did prove to be a great place for making friends. Being surrounded by people who are going through the same things as you are unsurprisingly really helps. There’s a lot less judgment from those who know what it likes to suffer and be ridiculed. Nobody understood what I was going through better than José though because his phobia was really similar to mine. Well, similar in the sense that he also had problems with touching others that is, because rather than Haphephobia he had Mysophobia. Mysophobia is also better known as Germophobia; the fear of contamination and germs. This means that he is afraid of touching many things, including but not limited to, other people, door knobs, belongings, and even going as far as making him afraid of eating food that was not cooked directly by himself in dishes that had been pre-washed three times. His hands were always covered in scars from over washing.

In my opinion he had it even worse than me. Although he was still able to touch other people from time to time (as long as they were not inflicted with a cold or some other virus) unlike me, he had many other things that he could not do. I found that the worst was not being able to eat outside. We spent most of our time in his house where he could be sure there was no outside germs. I was one of the few people allowed inside his place. He had to live alone. José and I shared a beautifully platonic relationship. We never had to worry about the other trying to engage in physical contact. Since we shared similar phobias getting along was very easy. The time that I wasn’t spending with Kate I was usually spending with José—up until this past year that is.

This is why his suggestion to go out for pizza was quite a shock to me. _Since when does he want to go out for food? Usually when we go out he can’t order anything anyway and just sits there and watches me eat._ Feeling bewildered, I just shook off my thoughts and replied back to his text:

Hey!! Great to hear from you! So excited that you’re back in town now! You have great timing actually. My break just started and I was looking to stop somewhere for lunch. Think you could meet me at the pizza place nearby my university? I have an hour and a half to eat.

A reply came back immediately:

            Yeah! I’m pretty close by. See you there in 15? :)

I sent my final message of:

             Sounds good! See you soon~

With that, I picked up my things and headed in the direction of my car. Skipping merrily on my way there, I hummed to myself _Yes! Finally I have another friend to hang out with! Ha, ha~_ Not that Kate wasn’t good enough, but it’s nice to be able to change things up a little now and again. Right as I got to my car, another text came in.

 _Wonder what else José could be messaging me about?_ As I open it up, I noticed that this time it wasn’t from José, but from an unknown number. It read:

                    Hello Anastasia. This is Christian. What time does your last class end? I’ll pick you up as soon as it’s over. Meet me at the park at the entrance closest                      to the university.

 “Ba-dump.”

The familiar beating of my heart came once again. Butterflies roamed free throughout the black hole that is my stomach. The text caught me off guard since I expected it to be from José. _Two invites out in one day. Conveniently one after the other. What impeccable timing these two boys have._ Sitting down in my car, I pinch the upper part of my nose between my right pointer finger and thumb to make sure I was awake. _Also, what’s up with my sudden popularity? I’m lucky to even get one invite in a day, let alone two. It’s really funny how things work sometimes._

   _On another note,_ I lean my head back into the headrest of my seat to prevent myself from fainting, _did he just say that he would come pick me up? Better pray to God that nobody sees me getting into his car. Getting a ride from America’s most famous therapist. That really is a killer. Wonder if I should tell José about this crazy situation that’s been happening? He probably wouldn’t even believe me anyway. I definitely wouldn’t believe that it was a real story if it wasn’t happening to me directly._

 Lifting the phone up to be in line with my face, with shaky fingers I reply back:

                        My last class finishes at 3:00 PM. I’ll see you at the park around 3:15 then.

 Receiving only one final text from him, he says:

                        Fantastic! I’ll be waiting.

 

 Arriving at the pizza joint right on time, José was already sitting at a table waiting for me. We both smile as we great each other with much enthusiasm. Seeing his face after such a long time was so nice. I suppose for most people in this situation they would have given their friend a hug to celebrate the long time that has passed and show how much they care for each other. Hugging is not possible for the two of us, however, so we devised our own greeting. I sat down at the booth right across from him. With over exaggerated, wide open smiles, we lifted both of our hands into the air and did a rapid, double air pat back and forth. The gesture is similar to how people would clap their hands against one another to give a double high five, except we don’t touch. We made sure to seem super energetic and excited as we did it to express how much we loved each other. Nobody would get as excited to see me as my best friend would, thus that means that they care.

 The two of us just laughed at the ridiculousness of the gesture. We both knew that we looked silly, but we didn’t care. It was just how we did things. Two special people doing a special thing.

“José it’s so nice to see you! I can’t believe you’re back already,” I exclaimed.

 “Yeah, you too! I missed that adorable little face of yours,” he air pinched my cheeks in response. “Nobody has a smile quite like that. It was so weird not having you around all the time to binge watch dramas and get fat.”

 “No kidding. Looks like it’s been good for you though. You seem to have lost some weight.”

 “Yeah! With my depression out of the way I’ve been able to start eating healthier.”

It was true. He had become a lot slimmer since the last time I saw him. His eyes seemed to shine with a glimmer of light now. Something was definitely different about him, but I didn’t know why. The waiter approached our table and asked what we would like to order. Before I could get the chance, José answered her for me. “We are both going to share the Meat Lovers pizza.” 

“Alright would that be all for the both of you,” the waitress asked.

Taking complete control of the ordering he answered back “Yep that’s everything,” and handed her back the menus.  It was strange to see him order food, but I guess he wanted it to seem like we were both getting something to share. Didn’t want to be rude or make me look like a fatty.

“Meat lovers? How’d you know that one’s my favorite,” I winked at him.

“It was kind of obvious by the fact that you ordered it every single time we came here,” he fluttered his eye back. We both chuckled at the apparent response. “Besides,” he continued on. “Thought that it would be nice to finally get to try it. Figured there must be a reason that you ordered it so much.”

“ _Try_ it?” I asked in surprise. “What do you mean by that?”

“I mean exactly what it sounds like,” he declared proudly, a giant toothy grin appearing on his face. “I can eat in restaurants now!” Mouth open so wide in happiness, the glimmer from his teeth became so strong that it shot right into my eyes, causing me to become blinded for a moment.

“W-w-w-what’d you say!?” I stammered in disbelief. _He couldn’t possibly be serious…could he? What the hell happened in the seven months the he was gone?_

“I wanted to wait to surprise you in person,” he giddily raised his voice at me. “I’ve gotten over a lot of aspects of my phobia now. While I was away I made a point to finally visit a therapist and get help with my problem. My phobia grew to the point that it was overtaking my life and I couldn’t stand to let it control me anymore. It’s quite amazing how much therapy can help.”

“You...” I trailed off in astonishment, words too difficult to form for the news hadn’t quite been able to sink in yet. “Your….phobia has been cured?” Finally able to ask amidst my confusion, I raised my right brow at him.

“Ha, ha no. Not quite exactly,” he softly laughed at me. “I’m not one hundred percent okay yet, but I have gotten a lot better. I am able to do so many things now that I couldn’t before. My whole break was dedicated to working hard at it every day. It went in really small steps, but those small changes paired with my determination got me over the first hump and onto the path of restoration.”

“But how!? How exactly was therapy able to help you?” I just couldn’t get it.

“Simple!” he exclaims. Pointing up his finger, and like a comical teacher he states “With a thing called exposure therapy.”

“Ex…posure therapy?”

“Uh-huh! It’s magical stuff!”

Thinking on it, I had remembered a teacher of mine going over it a bit in a previous psych class, but I hadn’t been paying too much attention. “I’ve heard a bit about that before, but what exactly does it do?”

“Well you see,” he spreads his hands out over the table as if he was going to perform a demonstration. “First you think of all of the things that you can’t do in your daily life because of the phobia. Then, they slowly expose you to those things to get you more comfortable with it. At first, you begin slow and easy. Then, you go into it a bit more and start doing the stuff that’s more difficult for you to do. Over time you just start to not become so afraid of doing those things anymore. Once you can see for yourself that it’s really not so bad, there’s no longer a reason to be afraid.” His voice gets a little lazier and he flicks his wrist into the air, “Such and such like that. You get the point.”

The most surprising thing for me out of everything that José just said was that he went to seek help in the first place. Although I could understand what happened, I just didn’t get why. “But José! Weren’t you always the one that said you didn’t need to change because you were fine with who you are? Because your phobia caused you to meet so many wonderful people like me and the others in our group? That it made you stronger?”

He looked at me intently and brought up a confident smile. “Yes, you’re right. That’s what I said before. But I realized that I was wrong. It’s true that the phobia was a great part of my life.” His look went deeper into my eyes. “Because without it, I would have never met you. It made me stronger indeed. It’s the reason that I am who I am today. _But_ …” he trailed off. “It’s already done its job. So there’s no reason for it to still be here. What’s the point of living the way that I was just because I could? That comfort that I rested in wasn’t good at all. I realized there’s so much more to life than comfort. This pizza I’m about to finally get to try is part of that. Without help I wouldn’t ever have been able to experience such an amazing thing, to know what I was missing out on, you know?” He looked at me intently, as if expecting me to understand. “Don’t you think that the effort to make change is worth something as great as that?”

I really didn’t know what to say. Half of me knew that he was right, and was happy for him. The other half felt really sad that I lost a friend who could relate to me. The selfish half. “I guess that’s true…” I spoke quietly with my head down, letting the greedy side of me take over. “But what am I going to do without you? How can we relate to each other now? You’re all cured and I’m still left behind.”

With that he burst out into laughter. “Oh Anastasia, I really do love you sometimes,” he said as he wiped a happy tear from his eye. “We can still relate to each other because I will always have my memories from before. I’m still the same person and you will of course remain as my best friend. I’m just now one that can do even _more_ stuff with you! Like sharing a pizza! And going for a swim in the lake! Our friendship can reach even greater levels now! Don’t you think?”

All the logic this guy was throwing at me was too much for my brain to handle. In a little bit I’ll have time to process and accept it. But for the time being, all I could do was feel my emotions and pout. “I mean, I guess…”

“Hey. If you’re worried that you’ll be left behind, don’t be,” he reassured me. “If there was hope for me, then there’s definitely hope for you too! Why don’t you try going to therapy as well? Then we could reach even _greater_ levels in our relationship!” Smiling like an idiot still, it was clear he was thinking that I would feel the same as him.

_What did he say? Me? Go to therapy? It’s like Kate must have talked to him and told him to convince me to go. But then again, why would Kate know that he had been attending therapy when I didn’t? Maybe she called him and it just so happened to be a coincidence that he had just been going. I mean this timing is all too perfect. Something must be up._

“Say…Kate didn’t talk to you, did she?” I asked in a super suspicious tone.

“Kate? No I haven’t talked to her since before I left. Why?” he asked seeming genuinely confused.

“Oh. It’s nothing!” The pitch of my voice raised up to try to deter him from questioning me more. “Just asking for curiosity’s sake.”

The attempt to switch the conversation didn’t seem to go so well. “Hmmmm,” he squinted his eyes at me. “Now why would Kate want to talk to me? And what would it have to do with this conversation?”

Through much prodding and guilt tripping José somehow managed to get me to tell him the entire story. When he found out about Christian, I thought he was seriously going to pass out. Oddly enough, he never questioned the validity of anything that I was saying, and believed every single word. The way that he reacted and tried to convince me to do it reminded me a lot of Kate. Somewhere in the middle the pizza came, but he ignored it despite how excited he was about getting to try it before. Guess my juicy story was even more enticing to him.

“So yeah, I just thought that she had said something to you about it,” I finished my story up with this last phrase.

“Nope,” he said in full reassurance. “You know what Anastasia? You’re way too paranoid. You should really do something about that as well.” 

With that statement, my mouth was gapping open, and I crossed my arms at him, appalled.  Too many truth bombs were being dropped in the last hour. “Anyway,” I ignored him, turning my head to the side. “Why don’t you finally try this pizza you’ve been going on about this whole time?” I pushed it towards him to bring attention to it.

Looking down at the pizza, you could see the realization in his face of the forgotten, precious morsel click as his eyes met with it. He agreed with me and carefully went in for the bite, as to savor the moment. It seemed like he really had been so caught up in my fairytale that it took his mind off of it. It would be the moment we ate our first meal out together. For me, that was a lot more exciting and monumental than my stupid story.

Watching José take his first bite of the “Meat Lover’s” pizza stirred up a lot more emotions within me than I expected. The moment felt so surreal. I had eaten it so many times in front of him and never once did he ask for a bite. He had been completely reborn. Tears started to well up in his eyes after tasting it. They eventually began to pour out uncontrollably. “It’s absolutely delicious,” he sobbed.

 Seeing him like that made me begin to cry as well. Taking a bite of my own slice as well, we both sobbed like idiots into our pizza. Our eyes kept locked on each other with every chew. I’m sure everyone around us thought that we were insane and had no idea what was going on, but I wasn’t about to let our pride stop us from enjoying this moment together. It was a day that I thought I would never see.

Watching my best friend get so emotional like that made me truly want to embrace him for the first time. The fact that I couldn’t be there to comfort him really started to get to me. This feeling was entirely new. _Why do I suddenly want to hug him?_ _Why is it making me so sad that I can’t?_ My tears began to fall harder.

“José,” I sniffled into my pizza.

“Yeah,” he sniffled back while wiping snot from his nose with the sleeve of his shirt.

“I think I’m going to tell Christian that I accept his offer.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

Returning to my car, I checked myself in the rearview mirror. My makeup had gotten all over my face from crying. Taking some tissues out from the glove box, I tediously wiped the long, black streaks of mascara off of my cheeks. Thankfully I always kept some extra cosmetics stored in a pouch in my backpack. Usually it was for the days that I didn’t have time to put it on in the morning, but today it was for messing it up with tears.

Not only did I put back on the makeup that I was wearing, but I also decided to add a little something extra this time. A dab of pink blush on my cheeks, and some bright red lipstick to match my equally red coat. Peering down at the eyeliner, I considered putting some on as well, but then decided against it realizing it would be weird if I suddenly showed up with a face full of makeup that was noticeably not there a few hours ago. “This is silly,” I said to myself as I looked in the mirror. “Why am I putting on more makeup for that guy? It’s not like I’m trying to seduce him or something.” Being completely in denial of my intentions, I finished beautifying my face for the coffee date and went on my way.

Class never seemed to take so long as I continuously checked the clock to see if another minute had gone by yet. “Tick tock, tick tock,” the sound was so irritating. My leg kept shaking because I was getting too antsy. A second was not wasted as soon as it hit 3:00 PM. My things were already packed up and I hurried out the door, skipping down the hallway from happiness—happiness from class being over that is, not from the anticipation of getting to see Christian soon of course. _Like Pfffft. Me? Happy to see a guy like him? Never._  

 

Making my way over to the park proved to be quite a bit of a walk. _Wonder why he chose such an odd and faraway place?_ I thought as I shivered, strolling along with my hands in my pockets to keep warm. _Why not just meet in the parking lot or something?_ It was so cold that I could see my breath as I exhaled. _Oh well, a little exercise is good for me anyway._

As I approached the entrance to the field, I peered around to see if he was already there. Only a few cars were parallel parked on the side walk. The park was practically deserted. Being the middle of winter not too many people wanted to go out for a stroll. The air was a bit too cold to spend a lot of time outside. I was expecting some sort of fancy sports car to arrive, but the cars that were around were pretty plain. “He must not be here yet I guess,” I sighed to myself. Checking the time on my phone I noticed that I had arrived a bit late. _Odd. It’s already 3:22. It took a little longer to get here than expected. Thought he would be waiting already._

The wind was blowing slightly hard and I had to hold my hair back from getting into my face. The chill of the winter air turning my nose red. “Man I hope he hurries up and gets here already! Or else I’m going to freeze my ass off,” I bounced up and down from the cold. Just as I finished my sentence, a vibration came from my phone. _Hm?_ I pulled it out from my pocket. A message from Christian flashed on the screen. Opening it up, it read:

Hey is that you in the red coat there looking all cold? I’m parked a few meters away from you. Mines the blue Honda Accord with the really tinted windows. Come over and get inside. I would be a gentleman and come out to get you but I don’t want to chance us being seen.

Looking up, I could see the car that he was talking about. _Is he serious?_ I tilted my head to the side in suspicion. _That completely normal and inexpensive car just can’t be his. He must be fooling with me and is actually standing somewhere else._

Regardless of my disbelief I approach the car. The windows really _were_ ridiculously tinted. The inside couldn’t be seen at all. When I reached the passenger’s side, the window started to roll down. Christians face appeared from behind the wheel.

“Hey there,” he waves at me with a smile. “Come on and get in!”

 Still a little bit unsure about the situation, I comply with his request anyway and hop in. Oddly enough, the interior was also completely what you would expect from your average Honda. The only abnormal and fancy thing about the car was the windows.

 I look over at him sitting and still smiling at me. His clothes seeming way more expensive than his car. “Hello,” I greet him nervously. “How did your errands today go?” For some reason that was the only thing I could think to ask him.

 “They went pretty well,” he said. “Sorry about leaving you with all the work by the way. Hopefully I can make up for it by contributing a lot more from now on.”

“Oh that’s alright. There wasn’t too much left to do.” My eyes kept wandering around the interior in curiosity. The mystery of the car nagging at me too much to care about our assignment. “Um, not to be rude,” I start to say. “But to be honest, your car isn’t exactly….how do I put this….well, what I—”

“What you expected somebody as rich as me to own,” he finished my sentence for me.

“Oh,” I blushed from embarrassment. “Well that’s not exactly how I was going to put it, but yes.”

“You don’t have to feel ashamed,” he assured me. “Most people are really surprised. You see, everyone assumes that because my father is so rich, that makes me rich too. But the thing is, I don’t like to take my father’s money. Recently I haven’t accepted any of it. I do make an above average living from working at the clinic, and could get a better car now if I wanted to. But you see, owning a fancy car would only just draw more attention to me, and that’s the last thing that I want.”

_He doesn’t like to take his father’s money? The man has some of the greatest wealth in the country and he won’t take any of it? If it wasn’t for this car I don’t think I could have believed him. I’ve only been talking with him for less than a minute and he has already proved to be one of the most interesting people that I have ever met._

“Is that why the windows are tinted so much,” I inquired.

My question made him laugh. “The intensity is quite shocking isn’t it? It wouldn’t have been a problem if my stupid father hadn’t brought me on television before I was even old enough to consent to it.” With the mentioning of his father he became visually upset.

“You didn’t want to be on television?” Somehow I found myself very interested in his backstory.

“No,” he answered as he pulled the shift into reverse. “I would have preferred a life out of the spotlight. I never got to have a choice in the matter. It’s tough when you can’t go anywhere or do anything without a million people trying to talk to you all the time. Also makes it tough to know who really likes you for you, you know?”

The car began backing up and he pushed on the gas pedal to start us on our way to the unknown destination. As we drove over the smooth pavement beneath us, I started to reconsider my previous notions about him. According to everything that he was telling me right now, I had him all wrong. If what he’s saying is actually the truth then maybe he really did just want to talk with me because I was the only person who didn’t pester him.

Fantasies started to form in my head, but I shook them out as I remembered that it was also because he wanted to learn more about my phobia. _He is an avid knowledge seeker after all._

“I never really thought about it that way,” I finally replied to him after a few moments of silence. “Growing up I was always the freak that nobody wanted to talk to. So having all of that positive rather than negative attention seemed like a dream. But I guess I can relate to you in the sense that I’ve always received unwanted attention since I was young.”

“Exactly,” he states enthusiastically, seeming to be happy that somebody was agreeing with him. “Positive or negative, too much attention is almost never a good thing. It’s really nice to have somebody who can actually kind of understand what I’ve had to go through,” he turns over for a brief moment to smile at me before returning his attention back to the wheel. 

“Ba-dump,” My heart beat thunderously yet again.

_He thinks that I relate to him? He kind of makes a point. Guess that does make us similar. I definitely can sympathize with his need to identify with someone. It can be rough when it feels like nobody around you understands your pain at all. Me being similar to Christian Grey though. That’s not something I ever expected to hear from him._

“Well, I wouldn’t exactly say we are on the same level. At least my face isn’t recognized by millions of people outside of my school,” I tried to lower myself by stating our differences. “Weren’t there other actors and such that you knew who were in the same boat as you growing up?”

“Not really,” he said in a sad voice. “I didn’t want to make friends with other famous people. I was trying to get out of the spotlight, not associate myself more with it. My father’s world was not meant for me.”

“Oh I see,” my voice also saddened. I felt so bad for him. He unbelievably seemed to have it worse than I did in ways. “What helped me was finding others who had phobias like mine. I guess it didn’t work too well in your situation to do the same.”

“Nope,” he said stone cold and disheartened. 

Having nothing more to add, the two of us sat in silence for a bit. My mind racked up so many questions, but couldn’t seem to find the right one to ask.

“So then why not accept your father’s money?” was the best I could apparently come up with. “That’s the part that I still don’t understand.”

“Well that’s because…how do I put this…,” he trailed off the same way that I did before when asking about his car. “My father and I don’t… _exactly_ get along. It’s a bit complicated and would take a long time for me to explain so I’ll just leave it at that. Sorry to be vague,” he apologized. 

“No, don’t be,” I shook my head. “I totally get it. I definitely understand the whole complicated situation, not getting along with your father thing as well…” my mind became lost in thought, and my voice quieted with each word, head now faced down into my lap.

“Oh?” His interest suddenly peeked up. “You have problems with the old man as well?”

It was that question that made me realize what I had just said. Jumping out from my own world and into reality, I couldn’t believe that I just mentioned something about my father. In a rushed tone I retracted myself, “Ah not exactly, I mean, my father passed away when I was really young so I never knew him well. Don’t know what I was really talking about, Ha ha.” The nervous laughter I ended with definitely had to have made things seem even more suspicious.

“Is that so?” he asked inquisitively. “I’m really sorry to hear that. I wouldn’t have complained in front of you if I had known.” His voice was very apologetic. 

“No. No. It’s fine,” my hands waved back and forth, signaling to him to forget about it. “There’s no way for you to have known about it. Don’t be sorry.” 

The air suddenly grew really heavy. I didn’t know what was up with these deep topics that kept being brought up. He and I have barely ever exchanged a word to each other, and yet, this is the first thing that we decided to talk about. I almost laughed at the ridiculousness. Somehow, though, I found the dark conversation really meaningful. It gave me a lot of insight into the person that he really was. Finding out that he and I actually had quite a lot in common was pretty cool too. It seems we’ve been experiencing different sides of the same coin.

Ending the awkward silence, he broke out a lighter hearted question “So Anastasia. Tell me. Why did you choose to take this course on the diversity of human sexuality? Is psych your major as well?”

Feeling relieved at the switch to an easier topic, I replied happily. “No, but it is my minor. Being that I’ve suffered from a lot of various mental issues in my life such as Haphephobia, I just developed an interest in it as a part of self-awareness and healing. I thought if I educated myself about my issues a bit more, then it would lead me a step closer to understanding and solving the problem. Other than that, my main focus, or major you could say, is international business. It’s my dream to own and open up my own company around the world.”

“Wow. I’m impressed,” he beamed. “That’s quite the plan there. And I think it’s awesome that you’re so aware of your own internal problems that you would seek out a way to solve it on your own. Not that many people have that much of an intrapersonal intelligence. I would know since I have to counsel them,” he laughed at himself as he focused on making a turn around a sharp corner. “What kind of business do you want to run and where would you like to open it then?”

“I’m not sure yet,” I honestly confessed. “I haven’t made up my mind on exactly what I want to do, but I do know that I want it to be one that will help make a difference in the world and change people’s lives for the better.”

Heading on a straightaway now, he was able to turn over to me again and smile. “Sounds like we are quite a lot alike in our ideals then.”

“…”

With a quick intake of air, my heart fluttered at the sight, and I couldn’t help but to smile back.

 

The rest of the ride went as so. After finishing that conversation he asked about my hobbies, interests, and dreams. Just easygoing questions to get to know the normal and happy things about each other; Like how both of our favorite colors were blue, how he hated tuna but I loved it, and how he disagreed with my opinion that my favorite book was the greatest of all time. The tension eased away with our laughter. This great figure of a man somehow became a bit more human. Just a normal person who likes and dislikes normal things. Whom has emotions and needs like everybody else. _He’s actually a really cool and down to earth person_ , I felt throughout the car ride, my ideas about him slowly changing. 

 

About forty minutes later, we arrived at the coffee shop smiling and laughing from our great conversation. The ride was a bit long, but it had allowed us to talk for a decent amount of time. I again wasn’t sure why he had chosen such a faraway place, but I suspected that this time, as well as the last, had to do with him wanting to avoid being seen by other people.

The coffee shop, too, was deserted just like the park. This time it didn’t make sense why though because places with hot drinks are usually bustling with customers in the winter time. It could be due to the fact that it was quite small, giving off the family owned vibe. Actually, I found the place to be quite cute and endearing with the small wooden checkerboard tables, and pastel pink walls with various inspirational quotes written on them. My favorite being the “be the change that you want to see in the world” written next to a picture of a cupcake proudly wearing a one dollar suit. We picked a seat in the corner of the room, away from the window.

“This place has some fantastic cupcakes,” he said as he took off his coat and hung it on the back of the chair. “You can go pick out one, as well as your favorite drink. It’s on me. Personally I think a plain latte or bitter drink pairs well with the sweetness of the cupcakes, so I would recommend getting something like that.”

Taking off my jacket, I took a seat. “Ah we have a food connoisseur in our presence I see,” I grin at him. “I would know since I’m a bit of one myself.” Placing my hand on my chest, I put on airs to make myself seem cool.

“Oh reaaaally?” An eyebrow raises in doubt as he laughs at me.

“It’s true!” I make a pouty face, then try to brush it off. “But I’ll go with your judgment call. A plain latte and whichever flavor of cupcake you’re getting. But I’ll be paying you back for it later. ”

“Oh no that won’t be necessary,” he demanded. “As I said this time is on me. I won’t be taking no for an answer.” He immediately walked off to go buy the goods so that I couldn’t get the chance to refuse again. Leaving me behind to sulk, I watch him as he walks up to the counter to place an order. The barista starts to act all flirty with him, giggling and blushing every time he spoke. For some reason I found myself feeling agitated and jealous at the sight. Grumbling into my phone, I ignored them by keeping the annoying scene out of my line of vison. My thumbs pounded hard onto the keys as if they were her face. _Why am I bothered by this?_ I wondered to myself, unsure of the feelings that I was having and what was going on. _Who cares if he gets a date? Probably happens all the time. What would it matter to you anyway?_ That was the big question that I found myself keeping in the back of my mind as time passed.

After a couple minutes he came back with two drinks in “for here” cups, and two orange colored cupcakes. It looked absolutely delicious. I was so excited to eat them, but then he placed the cups down and I noticed a heart drawn into the foam of the coffee. _Must have been the work of that barista._ My smile turning into a frown, the latte didn’t look quite as appetizing anymore. _It’s just a stupid heart Anastasia. Why are you feeling sick?_

Christian sat down in the seat across from me and suggested that we get started on practicing our lines for next class. I complied and brought out my notebook. We decided on having him present the first half of the notes, as I’d do the second. After going through it a few times I found myself in a trance watching him speak. It was nice to just sit back and listen to the words as they fell from his gorgeous lips—his voice deep and enticing, movements very poetic. My gaze zoomed in closer and closer to his lips as he spoke.

“Anastasia? Hello? It’s your turn,” he waved his hand back and forth looking into my face questioningly as he spoke.

“Huh?” The mentioning of my name snapped me out of it. Now back into focus, I realized he was staring at me, awaiting my response. I scrambled for an excuse. “Oh right! Sorry about that! I was just…uh, zoning out.” _Honestly, what **was** I doing?_

“We _have_ been doing this for a little while, huh?” he checked his watch, seeming not to question me any further. “Might be a good time to call for a break,” he suggested as he took a sip of his half-finished coffee.

Realizing that I had still not yet told him about how I wanted to accept his previous offer, I decided to take the opportunity to finally bring it up. “Hey, uh, Christian…by the way…”

“Hm? What’s up?”

“You know how I said before that I was doing just fine the way that I am now?”

“Yes. I remember. Why?”

“Well…I’ve been thinking on it the past couple days, aaaand I decided that I actually would like to take you up on your proposal to exchange free therapy sessions for my knowledge on Haphephobia, if that’s okay with you. I know I got really defensive about it before and I’m really sorry for that. So if it’s not too late to take it back, I would really love to pay a visit to your clinic sometime soon.”

Christians face went totally blank. Every time I thought he was going to say something, he just kept staring, not changing his face at all. My eyes shifted from side to side in confusion, wondering if anybody else knew what was going on.

“Sorry. It’s too late to accept the offer now,” he finally stated with a stone cold expression.

“…What?” My voice was low and full of surprise. Blinking a few times, I responded sadly “Oh…is that so… I understand. These things don’t just come by so easily.” My disappointment became very apparent as I hung my head low. My tone quiet and dragged out.

Suddenly, his face changed from completely blank to smiling profusely as he burst out and flicked his wrist to the side “Nah! I’m just kidding! Of course you still can silly!”

Again, I just blinked at him a few times in bewilderment with no reply. _Wait, it was just…a joke?_

“Sorry,” he went on to apologize. “I think my dead pan style humor can be quite confusing to people sometimes. I was just messing with you. If you would like, you can come in to my clinic tomorrow around 5 to get started. Usually I end work at that time, but I’ll stay an extra hour late to work with you.” 

“Oh,” was all I was able to say for a good second until I burst out in laughter.

“Gee that was a delayed response.”

“Sorry,” I said between breaths, now covering my mouth to try to quiet myself down. “You just really had me going for a minute there.”

“Yeah, I really have a way with teasing people,” he winked as he said that to me.

“Ba-dump.”

My cheeks went pink as I wondered what he could mean by that. For some reason, I got the idea that he was talking about something else when he said it.

“So anyway,” I finally calmed down my laughter, changing the subject and taking a sip of my coffee. “I guess I’ll be seeing you at the clinic tomorrow at five? You really don’t have to work overtime just for me you know.” The guilt was now starting to get to me for taking up all of his free time.

“Nonsense,” he assured me. “It would be my pleasure. As I said, I know what it’s like to receive unwanted attention all the time, so I would love to help a fellow comrade in any way that I can. Plus, I’m starting to just really enjoy your company and would love any excuse to be able to spend more time with you. After all, talking with you doesn’t really seem like work anyway.”

“Ba-bump.”

The butterflies in my stomach woke from their slumber. My face turned from pink to a nice shade of red. It felt like I was on a high. _No normal person who has known about my phobia has ever taken such an interest in me before. Then again, I guess he’s not exactly the most normal of people either_. “I really enjoy talking with you as well Christian. You’re not exactly the person that I thought you were,” I admitted, my face turning an even darker shade of red.

“Oh?” he asked, amused. “And just what kind of person did you expect me to be?” Raising an eyebrow at me, he took another slow drink of his coffee, making a loud and drawn out sipping sound. 

Caught red handed.

To my dismay, I then had to confess what my expectation of what a rich guy like him would be like. There was no getting out of that one. It led to a real heart to heart conversation about him always being misunderstood. He went on to tell me about how he didn’t really grow up rich because he never took money from his father. He worked a part time job at a local restaurant as kitchen staff where he couldn’t be seen. That money was what he used to pay for his car that he still owns today. Getting through school was possible by a scholarship he earned from his academic success and through playing for the school baseball team. At one point he admitted that a lot of things he had, such as the clinic, were due to his father’s connections. However, he never really had a choice in that regard. Sometimes it was unavoidable to obtain things that his father bought for him, or things that were gifted to him by his friends and admirers. Slowly, he was appearing like less of a douche and instead more and more like my ideal kind of guy. If one thing was for sure, it was that he was a man of morals.

We spent so long talking that the owner of the café had to kick us out after closing. Christian drove me back to my car at the university which was now deserted since most classes had finished. He parked in the spot right next to mine.

As I was getting out, I decided to ask him one last question. “Hey, just out of curiosity… why were there so few people in that café? I didn’t want to ask while we were sitting there.”

“I guess it’s because it’s out of the way of everything. Plus with all the big chain coffee shops nearby everybody just goes to those instead. It’s really quite a shame. I find their coffee to be the best. At the same time, I’m also grateful because it’s a place I can easily go to without being noticed often. Since I quit television when I was really young my older face is not recognized as much.”

“That makes sense why you would choose such a faraway place then,” I stated as I opened up the door to go outside. He got out as well and walked over to my car with me.

As I unlocked the driver’s side, he bid me farewell and held it open for me. “It was delightful to make your acquaintance today Anastasia.”

“As was yours,” I smiled back at him and took a seat in my car.

“See you tomorrow,” he bowed forward and shut the door closed. As I started the engine up, he took a step backward, waving goodbye as I drove off.


	7. Chapter 7

Today being Friday, there was no first class. The Diversity of Human Sexuality was only held on Monday through Thursday since it ran a little extra longer than most classes. I took the opportunity to catch up on some sleep. Last night proved to be difficult getting to bed right away because of the anticipation about my upcoming therapy session. The thoughts in my head wouldn’t stop racing around the imaginary track. Must have thought they were professional race car drivers or something.

Being that I’ve never been to therapy before, I have no idea what to expect. In my mind therapy consisted of somebody talking on and on about their problems while a therapist just sat there asking “and how do you feel about that,” whilst getting paid hundreds of dollars for it. _Sounds pretty easy to me. I’ll deal with a few crying people giving me their sob stories while I rack in the dough._

In my case, I’ve always had Kate or José to talk to when I had a problem. So therapy always sounded pretty useless. _Why would I need to tell some total stranger about my problems? What good will that do? Though I suppose my therapist this time won’t be a random person since I’ve already gotten to know him…but somehow that makes it even worse._

Anxiety was overcoming me. I couldn’t stop worrying about the kind of questions that he was going to ask. There are so many things from my past that I have never talked about to anyone. Even Kate and José haven’t heard everything.

Too restless to try to go back to sleep, I got up from bed. It was already 8:30 AM. Making my way over to the kitchen I found a note from Kate stuck to the fridge. It read:

Hola Chica! Don’t forget to tell me everything about how things went yesterday! Don’t think you can escape me! MU HA HA >:D

I snorted at her dorkiness as I opened up the door to grab some milk for my cereal. After closing it back shut, I ripped the note off of the fridge and threw it into the trashcan by the sink. Kate had already been in bed by the time I got home. All of her lab assignments have been wiping her out lately. Poor thing never gets any free time. Pulling out another sticky note from a nearby drawer, I wrote a reply back to her and stuck in on the same spot that her note had been:

Sure. ;)  If you’re ever home to hear it! xP Mu ha ha~

As I sat down at the kitchen table and poured milk into a bowl of sweet chocolate O’s ( _unhealthy I know_ ) I started to consider what I was going to wear today. Most of the time I just go out in my leggings or sweatpants since there’s never really ever been anybody to impress before, but this time the urge to dress up nicely overcame me.

It took over an hour just to shower, do makeup, and straighten my hair. “How can people manage to do this every day?” I grumbled in frustration at the piece of hair that just wouldn’t seem to come straight. A nice bit of black eyeliner perfectly lined the curve of my eyes. Showing up with it wouldn’t be so weird this time, so I decided to go for it. A darker and sexier shade of red than yesterday was also used on my lips. It matched more with the elegant white sweater and dark jeans that I was currently wearing. A nice, sleek and plain black choker added the finishing touches to the outfit. I put the lipstick into my pocket in case of need of emergency reapplying.

 

There were only two classes today, but that didn’t seem to make it go by any more quickly. Not seeing Christian this morning was a real downer. At least I would be seeing him at the end of it though. That made the sadness a little more bearable. Not having to deal with Jennifer’s bullshit was also a plus. Sometime throughout it, I questioned why not having to run into him in class was making me so glum. Especially considering the fact that just a couple days ago I would have considered it a blessing. My feelings and behavior were so foreign to me, that I wasn’t even sure if it was still me up in my head. Certainly, they were not something that I had ever experienced before. 

On my way to lunch Kate texted me and told me that her lunch period today was free. _Damnit,_ I cursed to myself as I saw it. _Couldn’t get away from her after all. That sneaky duck. She must have known that she would have the afternoon off today._

We met up and of course I had to tell her everything, but not before sneaking her off to my car to talk about it in private that is. Eating lunch in a vehicle was a first for me, but it was actually kind of fun. The enclosed space became our personal little spot to talk freely— Or scream freely in Kate’s case. She was so excited she barely touched her food. There wasn’t much opportunity with all of her “I told you so’s.”

“Yes Kate you were right about everything,” I rolled my eyes at her. “Christian is actually a really nice guy, and I was wrong about not needing help. You happy now?”

“Happy indeed,” she grinned. “Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to head off to prepare some wedding invitations for you two.” She booked it out of the car and ran away giggling as always. Making it halfway to the end of the parking lot, she turned around and casually walked back while laughing to herself as she was met with my less than amused expression.

Opening the door back up, she leans in. “Hah, just kidding! I would never just suddenly run out like that without saying goodbye first!”

“Yeah, yeah I already know. You’ve done this kind of thing one too many times for me not to expect that. Didn’t have me fooled for even a minute.”

“Dang. Thought I really had ya there for a sec.” Looking disappointed she stands back up. “Oh well,” she shrugs it off. “By the way, there’s another reason I came back.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that?”

With that, she reaches into her pocket and pulls something out. It was small enough to fit inside of her fist so I couldn’t manage to see it. Clenching onto it tight, she says, “I found this on the ground earlier today and thought it was so cute I had to keep it. Originally I was going to go and find a chain to put it on and wear it as a necklace, but I think it will be better suited in your hands.” Right as she finishes speaking, she opens up her palm to reveal a little, gold heart pendant with a silver, jeweled butterfly formed into the side.

“What’s this?” I ask her while tilting my head to the side in curiosity.

“It’s your new good luck charm!” she exclaims with a proud expression. “When I saw it I immediately thought of you. You see, butterflies symbolize change. A heart obviously symbolizes love. So together they mean a change coming in love. It’s perfect for you to wear while on your date with Christian!”

“Hey it’s not a date,” I put an end to her antics.

“Date smate,” she mocks me. “Whatever you want to call it, it will still be perfect for it! Here,” she hands it to me. “Keep it in your pocket for now, and later I’ll find you a nice chain to go along with it so that you can always keep it on you as a necklace. As long as it’s on you, good changes will surely come your way!”

My eyes kept looking down at the pendant. It surely was quite beautiful.  There almost seemed to be this uncanny shine to it as I could nearly see my reflection in the sides. The glitter from the butterfly suddenly caught my eye. There wasn’t any sunlight shining through my car windows, and yet, the jewels inside it were reflecting with little fragments of light. Falling deeper and deeper into the magnificence and magic before me, it felt as if I was losing myself.

“Anastasia? Hello? What do you think of it!?” Kate was looking intently at my face, awaiting my reaction.

“Huh,” I snap out of my hypnosis, her expectant expression coming into focus. “Oh right,” I jump up and shake my head. “Yeah this pendant is definitely something!” _That was so weird just now. It was as if the pendant was trying to suck me inside of it,_ I turn it around in front of me, checking it out from different angles. _Hm. Must just be imagining things._ “It means a lot that you would just give it up like that for me,” I turn to look at Kate. “I really appreciate it. I’ll definitely keep it on me at all times from now on.” Lifting it up and grasping it to show her my sincerity, I slide it into my pocket. “Thanks to you, going to the appointment tonight won’t be as nerve wracking anymore now that I have this. You really are the best, you know?”

“Tee hee, of course I know!” she giggles and pokes her cheek. “Glad you like it!” The face she was showing was her typical smug one. “Don’t mean to rush, but unfortunately I do have to get going now before I’m late. Good luck tonight and I’ll see you later at home! Bye,” she waves to me through the car window. 

With that, I waved goodbye back and was left to finish the rest of my lunch alone. Tonight she was going out on a date with her boyfriend. Made it feel like my outing was some kind of date too— only it wasn’t. _There’s no way he would want to date a crazy phobic like me. He definitely seems more of the physical touch kind of guy. Sigh…_

Then, a thought suddenly occurred to me. _Hold on here. But what if he actually cures me?…what will happen then? Will we be able to date?_ True excitement was felt for the first time as I daydreamed about merrily holding hands with Christian on a stroll through park. _Oh how wonderful it would be_.

Then I stopped again.

_Wait a second. What’s going on? Have I started to develop feelings for him? I’ve only known him for a few days though… that would be absurd. It must just be fascination like all the other distant crushes I had in the past. Besides, I can’t let myself fall in love! If I’m not cured then it will only lead to heartbreak. These daydreams are no good. I should just let go and forget about them…_

With the last bite of my leftover pasta, I left my fantasies behind in the car as I made my way over to my final class.

 

Exiting the university, I realized that I had no idea where his clinic was. _How could I forget to ask him such an important question?_ I slap myself on the forehead from my stupidity before shooting him a text:

Hey can I have the address of your clinic? I just remembered that I don’t have a clue where I’m going.

Expecting the reply to not be arriving for a while I laid down in the backseat of my car to take a nap. _Being that he’s on duty right now he’ll probably be too busy to get back to me before five._ “Hope its close enough by that I can get there before my entire hour is up,” I sighed in my sadness and fell asleep.

 

I was awoken an hour later by the vibration from my phone in my pocket. It was his reply coming in slightly early:

Oh goodness I’m such an airhead sometimes. I forget that not everybody on this earth knows about me and my office. Really refreshing actually to see that. I’ll send you the link. I told my staff that you would be stopping by today, so they know to hold the door open for you.

A link containing all the information about where his office was came following. It was a thirty minute drive from the university. _Not too bad. Just enough time to get there_. Crawling out from the backseat I didn’t even bother to open the door and get out. Instead, I just went straight through the middle head first into the driver’s seat. Laziness is a virtue after all. 

Upon seeing his response, though, I realized what an idiot I was to even ask. _How could I be so stupid yet again!? All I had to do was google his name and of course his clinic would come up! It’s the most famous psychological clinic in the country! He probably thinks I’m the dumbest, technologically illiterate person out there!_ “Oi vey,” I cried out as I slouched over the steering wheel. In my embarrassment, I banged my head on it a few times to get the thoughts out of my head. “Stupid, stupid, stupid!” _Maybe if it hit myself hard enough I’ll get temporary amnesia and won’t have to think about it._

Making myself feel better with some makeup, I brought out my handy dandy emergency lipstick from my pocket and reapplied it in the sun visor mirror. In the middle of application, I noticed that my hair had become messy from sleeping on it, and proceeded to do my best to fix it. Next I brought out a brow pencil. _According to the internet, I gotta make sure these eyebrows are on fleek. Can’t be going out with ugly brows! It’s super important these days. No idea why though_. Sprucing them up with an eyebrow pencil, I remembered the time that I used to make fun of an old friend for obsessing over men’s sexy eyebrows. Seemed like such a random body part that nobody cared about before. Now it’s all anybody cares about. I can imagine her now saying “I liked it before it was cool,” because somehow that’s also the cool thing to do nowadays. _The irony._

 

Ten minutes before five, I made it to the clinic. It was medium sized and surrounded by many other kinds of medical buildings. The name “Grey Psychological Services” was written on the front. It wasn’t until I saw it there that I realized how big his name in the therapy world really is. Although he was so young he already owned his own clinic. Not too many budding therapists are able to say that.

Approaching the front door the whole thing felt so surreal. When talking with him before he seemed like such a normal guy— apart from being ridiculously attractive that is of course.  But now, he seemed to be untouchable. Four other therapist names were listed on the plaque outside of the office. _Must be the others he has hired to work with him._ The lady at the front counter greeted me as I came in.

“Hello. You must Anastasia I presume?”

“Oh, yes! I suppose Christian told you I was coming?” Looking at the woman speaking before me made me feel uneasy. She was an absolutely stunning woman. Long, flowing, black hair pulled back into a bun. Makeup that was so perfectly put on it could kill. It was a no brainer why he would have chosen to hire her. Makes me wonder why Christian hasn’t sought after her yet. At least, I hoped he hadn’t.

“Indeed. He’s been awaiting your visit. He’s been quite excited all day about your arrival. Apparently you will be quite helpful to his research.” Her smile seemed almost plastic as she looked at me. It reminded me of the forced smile Jennifer that gave me in class, except this one was more convincing. She walked over and handed me some paperwork to fill out. “Please have a seat in the chair over there, and he will be with you shortly.”

Nodding my head in agreement and giving an awkward smile, I did as she said. There was no longer any more patients in the office so many seats were available to choose from. The one closest to the door seemed most practical, so I decided to take a seat there. Looking at the documents, there were many pages to fill out, such as my personal information and multiple questionnaires on my mental health and traumatic experiences.

_Wow, I will be “helpful to his research”_ , I scoffed at the thought. _Is that all I am?_ _Maybe the whole bit about me being interesting to talk to was all a lie. Maybe it was just a scheme to get me to feel comfortable with him so I would feel obliged to come help him with his research_. Meaning nothing more to him than an experiment was an unpleasant thought. 

José’s previous words flashed into my head. “ _You know what Anastasia? You’re way too paranoid.”_

Hearing them played back in this moment like that made me start to believe that he could in fact be right. _I really am too paranoid. This is more than a couple times now that I’ve made up some story as to why Christian is a bad person. I always thought that it was good to be cautious, but maybe I am going a little overboard. I suppose that it’s more probable that that girl just said it like that to be cynical. Even though deep down I knew that, I got ahead of myself anyway._

_One thing that I am for sure of is that I’m getting really tired of this war that all these women are waging on me. We should all support one another and build each other up, not tear each other down. There’s no reason for all this hatred we are taught to have towards the other. Sure I may have gotten jealous about that gorgeous lady being close to Christian, but that doesn’t mean I’ll hate her for it. Who knows if he’s even interested in her? Or if she’s for sure interested in him! Someday, I just wish we could all realize that again. That will be the day._

 “Anastasia! So glad that you could make it!”

 “Ba-dump.”

 The sound of Christians happy voice pulled me from my deep thoughts. He was standing at the entrance to the door, holding it open to let me come in. Quickly, I got out of my chair and walked through the door so that I wouldn’t keep him waiting.

 “The room is the one right over there,” he said as he pointed to a door in front of me. “Have a seat in there and I’ll be right with you.” As soon as he finished speaking, he walked back outside. I did as he said and went inside the room.

The space was oddly huge compared to the rest of the building. Being extremely nice looking, it almost seemed like the inside of an apartment rather than an office. A large, black leather couch was placed in the middle with a tiny desk and a couple of chairs in front of it. To the right was a small kitchen with a sink and refrigerator. A stove or other typical kitchen cookware wasn’t installed however. Windows were also something that was very lacking. The absence of them created a closed off feel, almost as if it was set apart from the rest of the world.

I took a seat on the couch. Reaching into my pocket, I firmly grasped the heart pendant Kate had given me in my hand. _Work your magic today lucky charm!_   A knock on the door came about a minute after, and Christian came barging through it.

“Sorry for the wait. I had to finish up some last minute scheduling conflicts with some other patients,” he apologized to me as he shut the door and came inside.

Today he was wearing a pair of glasses and a form fitting white button up shirt that was tucked into a pair of black pants. The way that the glasses perfectly framed his face made him appear even more intelligent— if that was even possible. Every day he just seemed to get more and more handsome. _I don’t know how anybody could come in here and not fall into a pile of goo upon seeing that. Surely people without any real mental health problems have been coming in just to get the chance to talk with him._

He took a seat in the chair directly in front of me. Sweat started to roll off of my forehead, my attention taken by the top button of his shirt that was slightly undone, revealing the upper part of his chest.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get the chance to fill out my paperwork,” I slightly bowed my head to him with a shaky voice from my nervousness.

“That’s quite alright. Just finish it after the session and leave it on the front desk before you go,” he assured me.

I nodded my head and set them to the side.

“First I’ll explain to you how this is going to work,” he started off by saying. “Day one, being today, is just going to be a talking session to get to know you and your history. This will help me start to understand where your phobia is coming from.”

My thumbs starting to twirl around each other in my lap as he spoke. _Crap this is what I was afraid of._ “The second day,” he went on “Is where I will bring the plan that I have created for you and we will go over some coping mechanisms you can use in bad situations. This will also cue the start of what we call ‘exposure therapy.’”

“Exposure therapy?” I asked. _That was what José was talking about before. The part of the treatment that really helped him. He said that they made him face his fears and do the things that he could not do slowly._

“Yes. As the name suggests, you are slowly ‘exposed’ to the feared situation.”

_Hmmm…in his case that was touching things that he feared contained too many germs… but in my case—_

“In your case, that being touch.” His eyes were highly fixated on me as the word “touch” was spoken.

“Ba-dump.”

Following his last sentence, the saliva in my mouth went dry, and the rest ran down my throat in a heavy gulp. “So, that means that you will have me practice physical touch with somebody?” My eyes locked onto his as I questioned him. 

“Yes. That is what will happen,” he kept looking at me intently.

“Ba-dump.”

“And that somebody will be?” The intensity of my stare increased tenfold.

“Well that’s obvious!” His focus equally increased. “It will be me of course!”

With that, my heart felt as if it had stopped entirely.


	8. Chapter 8

*WARNING: Chapter contains mild references to domestic violence and abuse.

 

Feeling as if I was about to pass out I had excused myself from the room to get some air and alone time. The back of my throat becoming too try, I found my way over to a water fountain to mend it and collect my thoughts. _Oh my god what do I do? He can’t really be serious about attempting to touch me himself, can he!? It’s got to be obvious that it won’t be possible! With a face like that anyone would flip shit! Also, if he thinks he’s going to get me to talk about my past to him then he’s absolutely mad! We sure as hell aren’t close enough for that yet!_

Splashing a bit of cold water from the fountain under my eyes as well helped to jolt my senses and wake me up a bit more. The side of the fountain now became a support block for my hands. The shock beginning to wear off by the droplets running down my face, I started to relax a little. _Never mind all of that. You did make a promise to yourself that you would try to work on your problems after all! Just pull yourself together!_ Taking in a deep breath, I closed my eyes and let my mind fall into a meditative state. _Okay you’ve got this Anastasia!  It’s too late to turn back now. You’ve already decided on doing this and made your way here. Gotta follow through! So go get your ass back in there and face this like the strong woman you are!!_

Turning around with newfound confidence and determination, I marched right back over to the door. As soon as I walked through and took one look at Christian sitting there, I immediately turned around and walked back out.

“Hey, hey, where do you think _you’re_ going?” he called out as soon as he saw me leave.  Motioning his hands towards the couch he almost laughs at me “It’s going to be just fine, get back in here!”

Peeping my head around the corner of the door, I shyly stand back despite his beckoning. At that he gives a warm smile. “Nothing bad will happen today. I promise.”

His tone was soothing and pure like velvet. Somehow it instilled a bit more trust in me. Still not fully sure whether to believe him or not, I had gained just enough confidence to sulk back in and sit down on the couch anyway. “Now then,” he went on. “Let’s get started with some questions for the day.” Taking out a clipboard filled with paper he proceeded to write something down and start the interview process. “First off, I just want to take the opportunity to get to know more about you and your history. I realize talking about some of the things that I’m going to ask you might be uncomfortable, so just try your best to let me know whatever you can.”

Still nervous, I let out my breath, “Alright.”

“Perfect. So first things first, do you have any idea at what age you developed your phobia? Or is it just something that you’ve always had?”

“Let’s see…” I fell into thought. It took quite some time to recall. “I believe it first started to begin around the time I was eight. It kind of came on slowly so it’s difficult to say exactly. I also didn’t fully understand what was happening at the time, so it gets quite confusing.

“Completely understandable. I will just mark down ‘around 8 years old’ for now then.” Just as he said, he scribbled it into his notes. “Second of all, I was curious to know if you yourself had any idea about what the cause of your Haphephobia is?”

The entirety of my body froze. _Gosh damnit I knew it. “_ Actually I do believe that I know the central cause of it, but it’s not something that I like to talk about.” _If I refuse to tell even Kate everything, then there’s no way I’m going to tell you whom I barely know!_

“That’s quite alright,” he paused for a moment, writing more notes into his book. It made me so tense to watch him as he scribbled away. I wondered what kind of things he could possibly be writing down from such a simple interaction. The way he spoke was accepting and kind at first, but as he finished, he became a bit more serious with his intentions. The professional side of him that I had not yet been able to see was coming out. “It’s to be expected. However, I just wanted to let you know that sharing as much as you can with me will make quite a bit of a difference in how well I will be able to help you. Talking about things will also help you to cope and feel better yourself.”

Guilt was overcoming me upon hearing how uncooperative I was being. Deep down I knew that I was stubborn and that I was letting that quality get in the way of my life, but I just couldn’t own up to it. _Ugh…maybe he’s right. I’ve never tried talking about it before so I have no idea how it will affect me. Why not give it a go then? If I don’t, maybe I’ll just end up being stuck in my old ways forever. Whatever it is that I’ve been doing obviously hasn’t even been working anyway. “_ Okay I understand,” I finally responded to him having made up my mind to behave professionally from now on. “I will try my best, but I cannot guarantee anything.” Knowing that he was a therapist that I could ditch later if I became embarrassed made it a little easier to give in.

“Excellent,” he beamed, seeming to notice my change of attitude. “We can go in small steps. To make it easier for you, I will start you off with some less difficult questions. A good thing to prepare for the exposure therapy is a list from one to five of the things that you cannot do. One obviously being the least difficult and five being the most. What would you say number one would be for you?”

It was an odd thing to think about. For me, everything was difficult. “Hmmm, let me think…” I rubbed my fingers across my chin as I racked my brain to find the answer. “Well, it’s easier for me to touch others than it is to let them touch me I suppose. Although, aside from smacking somebody that has touched me, I’ve never been able to do that either so I wouldn’t consider it something simple.”

“That’s certainly a start!” The pen in his hand waves up into the air with his excitement. “Just the fact that you have done it before in special circumstances means that it’s possible! I’m really glad to hear that, it will make things less complicated. Now would you say that certain body parts are more difficult for you to touch than others?” 

These questions were making me crazy. But hearing that there was some light in the darkness already made me hopeful. “Well, um, the reason I consider it number one is because it’s the only thing I’ve done thus far. As for certain places being easier, I wouldn’t say it really matters. “Well, other than…,” I stopped for a moment, my face turning bright red.

“Other than?”

“Other than…the obvious parts that anybody would get embarrassed about.” Having to say that in front of him was so humiliating. Heat continued to build up in my cheeks as I turned my eyes away from him slightly.

“Okay. And would you say that you believe touching those ‘embarrassing parts’ brings more difficulty for you than for others? Phobia aside?”

The pulse inside my chest quickened. He spoke so calmly, somehow completely unfazed by the awkward topic. It was mind blowing to me who rarely brings this kind of thing into conversation. “Well, I mean, _yes_?” I answered with a skeptical tone. The question was just so oddly specific.

“Mmm-hm,” he hummed slowly as he scribbled something away yet again. “So would you rate touching those parts on others at number two? Or would it be letting somebody touch something simple on you such as your finger instead?”

 _What the fuck is this guy on about? Why does he want to know? He’s diving unusually deep into that one specific part._ Feeling that I was probably just nervous from having to answer such awkward questions, I realized that I was letting myself focus on it too much. _Just be an adult Anastasia. He’s a professional._ “Well of course letting somebody touch my finger. Anybody could agree that’s a thousand times easier. Phobia or not.”

“Alright. I’ll put that at the end of the list then.” Shifting in his seat, he turns the page. “So how about now we number the parts of _your_ body that are most difficult for you to let people touch. One through five. Go!” He commanded me so quickly as if it was going to be nothing.  

“What!?” I pulled my body back in outrage. “That’s a hard question man they all suck!”

“Of course. I understand that they must. But certainly there are going to be some that suck less than others. Think hard on it, where would be easiest for me to try touching first?”

_Gasp—_

_You?_ The thought made my heart sink into my stomach as I looked into his face. _If it’s you, then none of them. Of course, I could never let you know that._ “Uh, then yeah, let’s go with my finger,” I answered with a bit of an attitude while looking away from him in an attempt to hide my inner feelings. “The very tip of it seems harmless enough.”

“Cool! What’s next?” The answer seemed to make him oddly happy. He was taking my sassiness very well. No matter how I responded to him he always kept his composure. Must be all these years of dealing with so many crazy people. He was probably one of the few people on earth who could ever actually put up with me. Realizing that fact drew me to him and lowered my guard. It seemed to me like he was seeing through my mask and into the real me.

“Well…um…I suppose….maybe my hand itself?” My attitude was no longer able to protect me anymore. Because of the growing feeling for him inside me, I was getting shy and quiet.  “If it was in a gentle way, that is.”

Stopping and blinking at me as I became more timid and soft spoken, he loses his composure for a moment. “A-hem,” he clears his throat, adjusting the collar around his neck. “Awesome!” he bounced right back. “So it seems like anything that’s not done softly is a definite no go. I’ll make note of that. So don’t worry, every single touch will be light and gentle as a feather.”

“Ba-dump.”

 _Why does it seem like he’s interviewing me on how I like to have sex? “Gentle and soft.” “Where do you like it more?” Come on here!_ Thinking about it was making my cheeks go red again. The questions were so bizarre. Looking down at the floor to avoid his gaze, that notion caused a realization. _Sex…speaking of sex, doing “that” would definitely be last on the list._ “After that I’m really not sure,” my feet fidgeted on the ground as I stared at them. It was difficult to think of anything else in the moment. All I knew is what to say for number five now. “My face and neck, as well as suggestive regions would definitely be at the end of the list, but choosing anything before that over the other is hard.”

“That’s alright. We have a pretty good start for now. Once we get you comfortable with those two areas, then I’ll move on ahead to find out where to go from there.”

“…”

 _Where to go from there? It’s going to go farther from there!?_ I was starting to get too antsy now. My heart wouldn’t quit pumping like it was going to beat straight out of my chest. Head peeking up slightly to study his facial expressions, I heedfully asked “So how far exactly are we talking here?”

“Until you are comfortable with having people touch most parts of your body.”

_Holy shit._

My rapidly beating heart came to a standstill. It was all too much for me to handle in one day. My body began to shake. _“_ So you’re saying that eventually you’ll have touched every single part of my body?” The movement was just slight enough to be unnoticeable.

At that he laughs. “No, not every part of course! Just the main ones that will commonly be touched by strangers and friends on a daily basis. That way you can hopefully function normally within society and your casual relationships. Farther than that point I’m not really sure what to do right now…but we’ll figure it out later.”

“!!!”

 _Later? We’ll figure it out later!? How exactly does he think that’s going to happen!?_ Just the thought of it made me begin to sway back and forth from oncoming dizziness. Feeling too lightheaded, my balance had been thrown off. It was visible enough now that Christian was able to take notice. Standing up a bit, he slightly reached forward, then stopped himself.

“Woah Anastasia are you okay!?” he asked in a panic. “I’m sorry. I think I went too far. I didn’t mean to make you worry. Of course it will only be small steps until you decide you want to progress further. If continuing right now is going to make you pass out then I will definitely halt on the discussion.” Clearly not having expected my reaction to simply just hearing the news to be so severe, he was in shock, scrambling for an unprepared solution. 

Resting my face into my palms, I grumbled, “I’m okay. Let’s just talk about something else now.”

“Of course.” Sitting back down, he returned to his calm state, and gave me a moment to collect myself as well. “Since I’ve been asking you a lot of questions,” he quietly spoke up after I gained back a bit of my composure. “Let’s switch it up and try something different. I’ve never done this with any of my other patients before, but I think it will really help you.”

“What’s that?” my attention peeked, turning it away from the nauseating feeling momentarily.

“I will talk about myself for a while. You see, talking about my backstory is really difficult for me as well. So if I am able to share some personal information with you and break through my comfort zone, then maybe that will give you some inspiration to do the same, as well as to make you feel a little more comfortable around me. What do you think?” His smile was so warm and bright that it touched my heart. I had no idea what to say.

“Uh…well...I mean, as long as you’re okay with that.”

“Of course! It’s no problem. Anything that I can do to rectify the situation and make you feel more comfortable here again.

Nodding in thankfulness, I had enough encouragement to speak self-assured. “In that case, I will definitely listen and try my best to match your effort. That’s really kind of you, Christian. It means a lot that you’re putting in this much effort for me. To be honest, I’m now feeling kind of bad about being so non-compliant…” Attempting to recreate his magnificent smile, I was only able to muster up an off kilter grin out of awkwardness.

“No, don’t feel bad! I completely understand that this is a really difficult thing. This happens all the time. In fact, I’m really impressed by what you’ve already been able to accomplish today before even getting halfway through. And of course I’ll try my best! Anything for a special friend of mine like you!”

A disheartened frown appeared on my face. _“Friend?”...“ **Friend**!?” He just think of me as a **friend**!?...oh boy I really **have** been getting ahead of myself all evening with the sex implications haven’t I…_ “Oh, haha, you don’t say?” My tone wasn’t very forgiving anymore.

“Anyway, about my backstory.” He moved on right away, not seeming to notice my glum and sarcastic reaction. I had no idea why I was even feeling upset about it anyway. “Where to begin…hmmm…well first of all, as you may know, I was born into a very wealthy family from the start.”

That fact makes me laugh, helping me to forget about the misfortunate thing I just heard. “Yes, I’m very well aware.”

“Well, this may come as a shock to most people, but being rich and famous isn’t always sunshine and rainbows.”

“How so?” Christian was right. I was genuinely surprised to hear that. On the other hand, I could kind of get what he meant from what he had told me last time. Having a difficult time making true friends, people only liking you for your money, not getting any alone time…those things didn’t sound fun at all.

“Well as I also have already mentioned before, my relationship with my father is not so good. The problem is sourced from his massive fame and fortune. He was never around to take care of me. The only time he spent with me was when he was forcing me to come onto television with him solely to increase his fame. Stepping up as a single father and taking care of a child he was left with made him seem like such a nice guy. But he had everyone fooled. It was all fake. The only reason I went along with it was because I wanted to use any excuse that I could to get the chance to just spend more time with him. I thought that maybe if I did, he would start to like me and want to play with me more. But it never worked. He’d be out all day in the office working to make himself even wealthier. Never _once_ did he even notice what I was trying to do. He was too blinded by success. When he miraculously _was_ home, he was often either angry from all the stress at work and would take it out on me, or he would be too high on drugs that he became addicted to in order to deal with the anger he felt toward his ex-wife leaving him.”

As I listened to him tell this unbelievably depressing story I remained dead silent. My eyes stayed wide open, lips parted slightly, attention drawn completely to him. The longer he talked the sadder he sounded. When mentioning the specifics of his father his face and voice would give rise to a hint of anger. Behind all of his resentment seemed a sorrow and regret far greater. He seemed so broken from the inside. Just like me.

“That fact also leads to explain why I didn’t have a mother,” he sighed, despaired that the woes only continued. “My mother divorced my father shortly after I was born since the only reason she married him was to take half of his money. She gave up custody over me because I was never anything more to her than a liability. My father didn’t want to take care of me either so he hired a nanny to do it for him. That nanny was more of a parent to me than they ever were. She raised me and taught me everything that I know. Things about life, love, compassion and all the sorts. Of all the people in my childhood, she was one of the few people who sincerely loved and cared about me. My parents made me feel as if I was nothing. Just a piece of unwanted extra baggage. If it wasn’t for my wonderful nanny, I might not be here today.”

“Christian….” I quietly and empathetically sighed out, full of sympathy for this man who had unexpectedly been treated so poorly. Getting too upset, I couldn’t remain silent any longer. “I’m so sor—”

“No need to pity me,” he interjected. “In a backwards kind of way I’m actually thankful for it. It helped me grow into the person that I am today. If my parents had been better, I might have grown up to become a rich snob. But I didn’t. I grew up understanding the hardships of the world.” Only just a second ago he was so melancholic, but in an instant, his voice became full of light and inspiration. Once again I was forced to fall silent to his charm. “My once very poor nanny told me all about the experiences of those less fortunate than I. That was one reason I decided to no longer accept any of my father’s money or to continue going on television for him. Of course he was so angry about my refusal that he happily complied with not giving me anything anymore. That day all he could say to me was ‘good riddance I don’t have to waste anything more on a useless piece of trash like you.’” At that Christian stopped for a moment. The memory becoming too painful. 

His head hung low, but taking in a deep breath of air, he found the courage to lift it high again. “My poor family life caused me to fall into a deep, deep depression.  The already amazing woman who raised me brought me out from that bottomless pit as well. Because of her I was able to make a few great friends whom I also helped to get out of their dark holes. It was from that day on that I decided to become a therapist. Seeing my friends move on to such great things because of me gave meaning to my life. Since I knew what it was like to suffer through terrible things and struggle with a mental illnesses, I too wanted to help others get out of it as my nanny had done for me. It was the least I could do to pay back the world for the kindness that woman had shown me. Not a single person was going to suffer on my watch ever again. ‘Kill them with kindness’ is what I always say. A valuable lesson my nanny had taught me to live by.”

Finally finishing up his long and tragic story, I no longer had any idea what to say. All I wanted to do was cry for him and say how sorry I feel. It had nothing to do with me, but somehow I felt I was at fault. He said not to pity him so silent I had to stay. Though, there it was again. That forceful, pulling urge to reach out my arms and wrap him in a comforting embrace. _This feeling really hurts. The feeling that there’s nothing I can do right now for him. That my lack of ability to give physical touch passes off as that I simply don’t care. I want to do something for him. What is this instinctual sensation overcoming me?_

“Hey say something,” he blurted out. “Don’t just sit there looking all sad like that! My story had a happy ending didn’t it!? Now I’m a super successful man who can help tons of people every day while also getting to live the moderately rich life once again! That’s why I said not to pity me.” Despite just pouring out a heart wrenching story, his face was now beaming with a cheerful smile.

“You really are one incredible person, you know that Christian?” There was an extraordinary warmth to my voice unlike any other. Having only ever expressed my emotions through words, I had a way of speaking that was far different from anyone else.

_And every part of me believes that with the utmost sincerity._

This time it was Christian’s turn to be taken aback. For the first time ever, I saw him freeze and blink his eyes as I usually do. The sight was somehow unbelievable. I caused this rock hard man to be swayed. 

Shaking his head and scratching it in embarrassment he laughs “Oh, haha, yes, well I don’t think I’m anything particularly special but I do try to be the best that I can be.”

“You’re too hard on yourself. I think what you’ve done is extraordinary.”

Looking down at the floor, he had a very small and hidden grin on his face. “Oh? Is that so?” The shyness was a side of him I had never seen, but was so thankful I had the rare opportunity to. Staring into space, he kept smiling, seeming to not actually be paying attention to what was in front of him. Clearing his throat suddenly, he looked back up at me. “Anyway. Now that I’ve told my horribly long sob story, do you think you’d be up for sharing a little bit about yourself as well?”

“Yes, I will do the best that I can to talk about my past. I was quite inspired by your effort and willingness to share such intimate details about your life with me so I suppose it’s only fair that I give the same effort back.” Speaking with a newfound confidence, no hesitation was present when asked a question anymore. In his honor, I would try much harder from now on.

“Excellent! I really appreciate it as well. I know how difficult this is for you, so anything to make it easier.” He crosses his legs in anticipation. “As I did, you can start by telling me the beginning of your story. Whatever you’re most comfortable with.” Readying his pen, he looked at me expectantly. 

“Could I take a moment to prepare myself?”

“Oh yes of course. Never hesitate to ask.”

Having received the okay, I let my eyes close. Sitting still, I took in a deep breath, counted to three, and then slowly let it out. Long ago, I learned this method to control my anxiety. Focusing on the breath then holding it in for a few seconds before steadily letting it go causes the body and mind to relax. Good for high intensity situations such as this one.

Now ready for what was about to come, I felt okay enough to at least tell him about my early childhood. “Well…first off, as you might remember my father died in a car accident when I was a small child.”

 “Ah yes I do remember you telling me that. That’s quite tragic. I’m really sorry to hear that. Must have been really difficult for you.”

 “A little bit. I never really knew him well since I was so young. Made things a bit easier, but it was sad growing up without a real father there.”

 “I can imagine. So did your mother ever remarry, or has she stayed single this whole time?”

The rate of my heart rapidly increased. _No! Not that question!_ Pausing for a moment, my voice became really shaky. “U-um…well…s-she…she married again a f-few years later.” My right leg began to bounce up and down from nervousness, but still I was trying my best to stay strong and keep answering his questions.

“I see...” he trailed off seeming to notice my visible discomfort as he jotted it down in his notebook. “That’s also something very difficult to go through…” Becoming so absorbed into his scribbles, he wasn’t focusing very much on his words. “So what was this man or woman like? Did the two of you have an okay relationship?”

 “No,” I said as tears started to well up in my eyes.  “I hated my stepfather with every fiber of my being.”

 Stopping to stare and me for a moment then nodding his head, he wrote something down yet again into his notes. First giving me a long and drawn out, “Uh-huh,” he bends down over his lap and speaks to me softly. “With an answer like that I would assume that this man has something to do with your fears?”

A tear dropped from my right eye, rolling down my cheek and onto the ground with a sorrowful “Plop.” Not budging an inch and with a stone cold expression I replied,

“Yes.”

Once again, he stopped and stared at me. But this time he had a staggered and panicked expression and he held his hand out in front of him, gesturing me to calm down. “Hey, hey, hey,” he said in a sweet and soft voice. “If this is too difficult for you to answer right now you definitely don’t have to. This is only the first session. Don’t push yourself too much.” Quickly standing up to go grab the box of tissues from behind him, he walked over and knelt down in front of me. “Here,” he says as he hands one to me. “I just want to say thank you for sharing that. That bit of information was very useful, and it’s admirable that you pushed yourself so hard to say that just for me. My story is much easier for me to tell than yours is for you so it’s understandable that you would go at a different pace. Unlike you, I already have experience talking about it before. So I believe we are equal now. No worries.”

The way he tried so hard to take care of me and make me feel better made me want to cry even more. His actions, his voice, his everything was so incredibly kind that I was left in astonishment.  Even more amazing was the way that he clearly understood how to comfort me in ways other than touching and he clearly went out of his way to do them. I took the tissue that he was handing to me. Dabbing my eyes with it, the amount of tears only increased as I did, making the effort totally needless. “Thank you,” I sniffled. “You’re much too nice.”

“Nah!” he winks enthusiastically, followed by a smile. “I’m just the perfect amount!”

The silliness caused my tears to turn into happy laughter. “Thank you for putting up with me,” I kept giggling as I cleaned my face up with the tissue. “I know I started crying but I think it’ll be okay. It’s good for me to get this out. Tears and all. So if you wouldn’t mind, I would like to continue. If I need to I will be sure to stop. So don’t quit just because I drop a tear or two.”

“Alright,” he grunts as he stands back up, pushing off of his knee. “If you’re sure you’re fine then of course let’s continue. I just wanted to be sure you knew we didn’t have to.”

“I am and I did,” I assured him. My crying face was now a cheerful one.

He sits back down in his chair and picks up his pen and pad. “Excellent. Continue on with your story then. Let’s jump back into what made you hate this man so much.”

“Well,” I sniffed my runny nose back up. “He was a horrible person who did horrible things to me and my mother.”

“What kind of horrible things?”

“Um…he, uh, h-he,” I shook, losing my composure already. No matter how confident I was in the beginning, in the end, talking about my stepfather was just too difficult when it came down to it. Tears were now returning to my eyes. Taking in a huge breath, I pushed through it. “He was physically abusive to the both of us. First it was only to my mother, then later it was to me as well.”

Christian’s hand was moving like rapid fire while he wrote down everything. “Okay, and what sorts of things would he do to the both of you?”

“Well, it all happened slowly. Before they got married he was always very kind and charming. When he came home from work he would often bring flowers for my mother and toys and such for me. He always took the time to play games or color with me then cook dinner for us. I really loved him at first. He was my idol. Since I never really got to know my real dad I was so happy to have him around. To me, it felt as if he was my true father since I had known him for longer. But shortly after the wedding, everything started to change. The two of them got into arguments all the time. Sometimes he would slap her in the face. That slapping turned into something even more serious later on. Now when he came home from work he would frequently be drunk instead. No more presents. Just his stupid drunken self. This led to more violence. Punching, kicking, slamming, twisting, you name it he would do it. At that time, all I ever did was sit and watch. When I couldn’t handle the sight any longer I would just run up to my room, throw on some headphones to drown out the sound and cry.”

“Man…,” Christian sighs in frustration, interrupting my story. “I hear that many abusers act charming at first. It’s how they get us. Nothing but a cruel tactic. It’s so unfair. But the most important thing I want you to remember before you go on and the one that also just so happens to be the most difficult to do so, is that it is never our fault. It is completely out of our control and we are not stupid for falling for it. These sick people know how to lock us in and create a dependent relationship so that we can’t leave even after they begin taking advantage of us. You were obviously afraid of losing the only father you had. You were much too young to know how to stop the situation.”

As he spoke, all I could do was nod along and cry as he revealed these truthful, but hard words to accept. _It’s true. I’ve always blamed myself for what happened to my mother. For not stopping it and just running away. For not doing something about it sooner. All I had to do to get him arrested was tell someone. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Even after he…_

Before that thought could even finish playing out, a previously suppressed memory re-entered my mind. It started out with me running downstairs after hearing my mother’s screams. Looking back on it, I realized that it was the day I had finally decided to no longer sit by and do nothing. The lord must have spoken to me or something, because somehow, out of sheer luck or intuition I had fortunately picked the exact right day to do so.

 

As I got to the bottom of the stairs, I stumbled upon the sight of my mother laying on the floor being choked almost to the point of death.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” my seven year old self let out in a blood curdling scream. With the piercing sound, my stepdad let go momentarily in surprise. Through God’s grace, it had been just in time to have saved her life. Not wasting a single second, I darted toward him with all my might. Jumping on his back and smacking him with my tiny arms, I screamed at him in a fit of rage “YOU LET GO OF MY MOMMYYYYYYYYYYY.”

Being too weak to actually take him down, I was instead thrown to the ground. My mother now lying unconscious and unable to do anything. Sheer anger present on my stepfathers face, he turned to me and lashed out “What exactly is it that you think you’re doing!?” The breath that he exhaled reeked of alcohol. “Don’t meddle in our affairs child!”

Having fallen back onto my arms, tears ran from my eyes as I shouted from below “You’re going to kill her!! Don’t touch her anymore! I _won’t_ allow it!”

With a sinister smile he asked “Oh? And how exactly are you going to do that?” Walking towards me slowly, he spoke in a vile and creepy way. “You’re much too small and weak to overpower me. I have to take my anger out on someone. I hope you understand.”

“T-Then,” my eyes shifted back and forth looking for a way to convince him to stop. “I’ve got it! Take it out on me instead! Just don’t hit my mommy anymore!”

“Hmmm,” he thought for a moment with a dastardly look. “I suppose that could work. Just don’t let your mother know when she wakes up okay? It will be our little secret. Just between us. If you can do that, then I promise I will never touch your mother ever again.”

 

With that, the excruciatingly horrible flashback came to an end. The line that has forever haunted me was the last that I was able to hear. Something was stopping me from seeing further.

“I-I,” I sobbed fiercely, tears now pouring from eyes. Head facing down to the ground, I wrapped my arms around my stomach and rocked back and forth as I continued to sob.  “I tried to solve it myself and that’s the problem,” I screamed. “I shouldn’t have done that. I should have told someone else and left it up to them! That’s the reason I have this phobia! I caused this to happen to me! It’s all my fault!”

Not knowing what to do, Christian was in a complete panic. “Oh my! Was it something I said!?” Jumping back over to sit near me on the couch, he grabbed the box of tissues and tried handing me a few again.

“N-no,” I continued to weep, neglecting the tissues. “I just remembered something really horrible.”

“Is that so? Would you like to tell me about it?” His voice was even softer than it had been before. His comforting skills were amazing, but I still leaned slightly away from him. The close proximity being too much for me in the current situation.

“I’m the reason for my phobia. The day my mother was being choked to death I offered up myself in her place because I was afraid she would die if I didn’t. That day I should have went and told somebody even though I promised not to. I could have taken my mother and ran away with her, but she thought my stepfathers cease in abuse was because of the shock of almost losing her. That’s why she continued to keep him around. But it wasn’t. It was because he was beating me in secret instead. I was so afraid that if I said something he would kill her. So I didn’t. I never told a soul. Soon after that my phobia started to develop. Touch seemed so sinister. The people closest to you could be the ones to hurt you the most. The close people that touch you first with a sense of love later turn that love into something cruel. How could I ever trust the touch of another again?”

Sitting for a good, long minute with a serious expression, Christian let me finish crying.  “I see. Thank you for telling me Anastasia. I know it was very hard. You’re a very brave girl. Don’t be afraid to cry. You need to let it all out. That way, you can finally let it go.”

“L-let it go?” Sniffling up the last few bit of tears, that suggestion confused me. “How can I let it go if I keep thinking about it?”

“Because facing something is the only way to accept it. If we keep running from it and hiding it away, it will be kept there forever. Now that you’ve learned to finally talk about it, we can take the steps to move past it. For example, I have some great coping mechanisms that could help. Sometimes we have to do the things that we don’t want to do if we want to be able to get better.

“Does that really work? What are the coping mechanisms?”

“Well before I tell you that, there’s something I want you to know. Look at me as I say this.” Hearing his request, I shyly turned over and glanced up at him. As he spoke, he looked directly into my eyes “As I said before you were much too young to know what to do in that situation. It wasn’t, and will _never_ be your fault. I think I said that, but it seems you don’t know that yet, so I will keep repeating it until you do know it. Having your phobia is not your fault Anastasia. It’s that monsters fault and his fault alone. Not you or your mothers. There was nothing that you could have done. Feeling the way that you do is completely understandable. Blaming yourself is understandable, everyone does it, but we all need to know we are wrong to do so. Accepting that you are not the reason for your phobia is the first step to getting rid of it and accepting that you are in control of how long it stays is the last. He gave it to you, but you are letting it continue by holding yourself responsible. By holding the memory back.”

His words made me start to bawl again. _These are the words I always wanted to hear, but never could. I’ve never told anyone that I blamed myself for my phobia so there was no way to hear the opinion that I shouldn’t. He’s right. That reason is largely why I couldn’t move on._

 _“_ I know this is all really rough to take in,” he continued with his speech. “But it will be really good for you to hear. Now to answer your question, I will give you the first coping mechanism. These five steps are ones that I developed myself. I call them the five steps to expelling bad memories.” Tearing out a page from his notebook he placed it down on the desk. I watched while he began to write as he spoke aloud:

1.) Talking it out – speak to somebody about your problems. Don’t hold it in.

2.) Acceptance – Accept what has happened. Realize that it is a part of your life, and is only something that once happened in the past.

3.) Forgiveness – Forgive the person or thing that caused you grief. This is the most difficult step, but also the most important. You don’t have to like them, or see them, or tell it to them directly. But find it inside of yourself to forgive them for what they’ve done to you. This will get rid of the hate you are harboring and will help you to feel better and move on. The greatest revenge is happiness.

4.) Moving on – The problem is in the past. It is not a current problem. It is not happening to you now. Once you’ve accepted that it occurred and you’ve given your forgiveness, you can move on from it and leave it behind you.

5.) Live your life for you – Your life is your own. Your happiness is your own. Be happy and do things for yourself. Live the precious and beautiful life you have left with the bad things now completely behind you. Congratulations on having moved on. Enjoy it now.

“So,” he set down the pen as he finished the list. “In conclusion, if you do these five steps then you can move past the memory. That will be the first hurdle to get over. Today we have already done step one. That also helped me to know how to accurately assist you with the rest of the steps. So great job! Step two is all on you now. You have to accept that this is something that happened so that you can move on from it. Do you think that you could do that?”

Throughout the whole thing he never sounded demanding. He was always very soft spoken and the way he did somehow showed understanding as well as sympathy. _He said that he devised this list himself. I wonder if this is how he got over the horrible memories in his past as well._

Everything sinking in, my mood was slightly uplifted. After seeing such a simple and small list being written out getting better seemed not only possible, but actually kind of easy. _Just five steps. Is that really all it takes to get over something that has been haunting me for so long?_ “Well, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop blaming myself for it just yet, but I do promise that I will try hard to accept these memories. You’re right in the fact that talking about it helps and holding them inside a locked box within the dark depths of my mind wasn’t providing any benefits. Finally unlocking that box has made me feel free.”

His face grew with approval. “That’s great! I’m so glad to hear that! Of course this will all take time. That’s why today’s session was just focusing on talking it out and teaching you the steps. Now you can go home and work on getting past step two yourself. Accept what has happened and that it wasn’t your fault. That’s your homework for tonight.”

“What is this? A class!?” I laughed at the idea. “I thought this was therapy. Not school.”

Chuckling back he retaliates “Unfortunately even after university the learning never ends Ana, and thus neither does homework.”

Silently, I gasp. _Ana? He just called me… Ana? Oh my god, he’s already calling me by my nickname! Where did that come from!?_ _Why now?_ The thought made me blush. This small thing was large enough to take my mind off of all the horrendous thoughts that were making me cry just a second ago.

“By the way,” he starts talking again before I could make a comeback. “I’m really sorry I couldn’t do much to comfort you earlier. I really wanted to pull you into a hug and tell you that it was going to be okay but I couldn’t because I know that would scare you. I didn’t know what else to do so I did nothing. I’m really sorry about that, but I really do care.”

“What!?” My already red cheeks got even darker. _Is that really something that he would do with everyone?_ “No it’s totally okay. Receiving affection in times of sadness isn’t something I’m familiar with anyway. I thought what you did was great. Your words made me feel so much better and showed me how much you really do care. I never thought that you didn’t for even a second. I don’t think anybody else could have done that the way you did.”

“Oh..,” he turns his head away from me. His face was hiding from my view, but if I wasn’t mistaken, a slight blush appeared to form on his cheeks as well. “Well I’m glad to hear that.” Standing up, he walks back over to his chair. Without looking at me he returns to scribbling in his notebook. “Today was quite successful. I learned a lot about you and the reason behind your fears. You also got over the first hurdle. This means we can start the first bit of the exposure therapy tomorrow.”

“Ba-bump. Ba-bump,” my heart rate was quickening so much that I could feel it in my throat. “Tomorrow!?” I burst out in shock, having to hold on to the side of the couch for support.

Not even bothering to make eye contact as he writes, he keeps talking as if he wasn’t paying too much mind to me. “Yes we made great progress today. I didn’t expect you to tell me so much. There’s no reason not to try going ahead with treatment tomorrow. Unfortunately our time is up for today. I’ll see you tomorrow Ana.” Finally looking up from his paper he gives me a quick but genuine smile and leads me out the door.

 


	9. Chapter 9

Returning back home after one hell of an hour, I found myself in the bathroom ready for a hot shower to wash away the days stresses. Undressing, just before hopping in, I noticed the faint marks leftover on my left wrist. “Gasp,” the lids of my eyes lifted up as my eyes bulged out at the sight. _Oh my god! I completely forgot about my marking! My promise! I broke it! What have I done!?_ Totally neglecting the shower I was just about to get in to, I sat down on the floor and leaned against the sink cabinet beside it. Holding my left wrist up with my right hand, I just kept staring at the shadow of the carved tattoo that still remained. _I thought about my stepfather and allowed myself to be upset by it. The tattoo was a promise to myself that I wouldn’t let it happen, and I broke it. I couldn’t keep the promise. I went against the rules and let myself down. I’m so stupid, stupid, stupid!_ Shutting my eyes close tight, I was on the verge of tears again. Then, another thought occurred to me. _Wait. That’s it! That’s the point! I can think about my stepfather, but I just can’t let him get to me anymore. To do that, I have to learn to be able to think about it while also accepting that it once happened… but isn’t happening now, just like Christian said! If I can think that it’s not happening right now, then there’s no reason to freeze up and panic as if I was living through the moment once again. Also, if I can forgive him for what happened, there’s no reason to feel that anger anymore. If I can do those two things, then I can think about him whenever I want and it will never affect me! It makes sense! That’s how I can stop letting him win! He can’t win if he can’t get into my mind anymore! Hah!_

Having this realization uplifted and gave me hope. That hope felt unearned though as I continued to look at the scars that were almost gone. I still went against my word and couldn’t prevent myself from being shaken by thought of him earlier. This finding was discovered too late. I had already failed. As my vision zoomed in further into the small facets of the faded lines, another realization occurred to me. _Hold on here. The lines. They aren’t gone yet. The tattoo hasn’t sank inside of me and become written in stone yet. Oh my gosh!!_ With sheer excitement I burst upward onto my feet, still holding onto and staring at my wrist with an ecstatic smile. _That means there’s still time left! Until the lines are gone, I have time to accept and forgive him! I haven’t failed yet!! Ah ha, ha~!_ Becoming conscious of this fact I did a little dance while giggling and shouting in happiness. Although I knew that the sentiment made me seem absolutely crazy, I couldn’t help but to create such a meaning to make myself feel better about my failure. Stopping and grounding myself for a minute, I had to think of a game plan. _Okay. But that doesn’t leave much time. How can I manage to do this for sure?_

Sticking my hands in my pockets, deep in thought, my fingers ran against something on the right side. Pulling it out, it was the pendant Kate gave to me. Placing it in the center of my palm, I gazed at its glory. It sparkled with an extra radiance today. With the blink of an eye, a line of rainbow light shined and zoomed down from the top of the butterfly to the bottom. _What the hell was that?_ Looking around the room frantically, I couldn’t see anything that would have caused this phenomenon. _What in the world? Where did it come from?_

Puzzled, I stuck it back into my pocket, feeling that it must have just been a trick of the light. _That sure was beautiful. I could really go for seeing something else amazing like that right now to make me believe in magic again. Hmmm…,_ I thought hard for a moment. _I know! The lookout nearby! The view is amazing at night. Alone time, and a beautiful view. That sounds exactly like what I need to get my thoughts in order right now._

Running out to the living room I grab my coat and purse from the coat rack by the front door. While putting my coat on, I caught a glimpse of the tattoo one more time. A small piece of it stained red from the blood underneath. _You know. Thinking about it, I kind of broke my last promise to myself as well. When I drew this on me the last time I swore that I would never cut myself again. Although I kept my word and didn’t cut for self-harm ever again, I did technically cut myself with a knife in order to perform this ritual once more. Kind of counts right?_ Stopping to grab a pen from the kitchen drawer before I left as well, I stuck it along with a small notebook into my left pocket. With a click of my heels, I headed out the door.

 

Arriving at my destination, I parked my car on the side of a nearby road. The area around the park was always so crowded with cars. Parking in Seattle is terrible at all times of the day no matter what. Even though the park was practically vacant because of the frosty night, there were still so many damn cars. Being a bit far away, the walk down took a few minutes. Today was a pretty clear. All of the clouds in the sky had dissipated, leaving a few bright stars visible despite the blinding lights of the city. _If only all of the stars in the sky could still be seen. What a spectacular sight that would be. The Milky Way. The planets. The galaxies. Pleiades. How amazing would it be to see all of that up in one sky?_ I thought as I stared into it, keeping my hands warm in my pockets as I made my way down. _One day, I’ll go somewhere where I can. On that day, I’ll lose myself in its magnificence and forget all of the troubles of the world. Each problem seeming totally insignificant compared to the mass amount of stars and open space out there. My mind transcending through space and time. That will be the day that I’ll truly be living for myself. The past forever gone, floating further and further away into the endless folds of the galaxy._

Getting so lost in the stars, I hadn’t even realized that I made it to the park. Strong realization hit me though, as I was literally smacked in the face with a pole. “Ow,” I winced as my head bonked right into it, causing vibrations to run through. As I rubbed my head and grumbled angrily at the little bastard that got in my way, the pain was completely forgotten at the sight of Seattle’s radiating city skyline.

Many times I had come here in the past whenever I was feeling down. The wondrous sight was always enough to lift my spirits. Walking over the hill in awe, I hopped over the fence and plopped my butt down on the cliffside. The park that was more of a strip of land than an actual park contained the best view of Seattle. I had seen it during all times of the day, but my favorite always proved to be from the peak of twilight to the darkness of the night. The twinkling golden lights of the city were unmatched by anything else. Ships glowing with different colors of light sailed in and out of the harbor. Light fragments from the buildings and boats glistened in the water, creating a rainbow splatter of color. Nothing could ever compare. Regardless of having visited many of the world’s cities, Seattle’s view never lost its place as number one in my heart. 

As always, my sadness and distress melted away with the chill of the air and the sparkles carrying it off into the sky. I let out and long but peaceful sigh. _How can something be this beautiful?_ Caught up in the allure, I sat leaning against the fence and staring into it for a good thirty minutes straight without doing anything else. Finally getting enough of the view to feel satisfied for a bit, I pulled out the notebook and pen from my pocket.

 _I think I’ve figured out how to let go now._ Pushing on the end of the pen to bring out the ink tip, I put it to a page in my notebook and wrote a letter:

Dear ex-stepfather,

Although you will never read this, I just wanted to let you know that I forgive you. This doesn’t mean that I accept that what you did was okay, but it means that I no longer hate you for it. During your time in jail, I hope you have been coming to regret and feel sorry for what you’ve done. This way, you can understand my forgiveness. As long as you never do what has been done to us to another soul, then I truly hope that you’ve changed and will be happy someday. Thinking on it, I realized that you must have done what you did because you had something happen early in your life that hurt you as well. It isn’t an excuse for your behavior, but everyone deserves a second chance to be happy. I’m sorry that somebody hurt you so badly, but please stop hurting others to in order to get rid of that pain. Like me, you can learn to move on without causing those around you to feel that kind of grief too. Right now, you’re paying for your crime, and that’s enough for me. From here on out, I want you to know that you no longer have control over me, for I have forgiven you. I hope you can do the same for the person who once made you feel the way that I did. Transform and live for you.

Sincerely,

One of the good people not letting go caused you to lose

 

With the last tear that will ever be shed over this man, I drew a heart with an “X” through the middle over the remnant scars on my left wrist, a much more civil approach. _Now, the ink in the shape of a heart for the love filling over the hatred inside me will sink into my body in replacement of the scars. From now on, I will draw this symbol with a pen onto my wrist whenever I need to make another change. No more cutting. No more hate._

Ripping out the letter from my notebook, I folded it in half, then in half again. Standing up, I tossed the letter into an updraft of air. I watched as it flew first towards the stars, then soared over the ocean until it finally disappeared into the deep blackness of the night as a wish. A small light similar to the ones in the sky lit up in my pocket as if the stars themselves had replied.

 

Back at the house, I laid on the couch as usual, but this time curled up with a romance novel that I had stolen off of Kate’s bookshelf in her room. It would be the first one that I had ever read. _If my heart is going to be filled with love now, then I better learn about all the different kinds of it that can be put inside._ Flipping through the pages, I shook my head in amazement. _Just look at me! I’m already like a completely different person! Haha!_

About 50 pages in, the familiar vibration of my phone came along with a text. It was from Christian:

Hey Ana! :-) How are you doing? Just wanted to remind you that we are meeting at 1PM tomorrow! Since its Saturday, nobody will be in the office but me. I’ll meet you at the door to let us in.

“Ba-bump.”

N _obody else will be there? Just the two of us?_ Instantly I sprang up in my seat with my eyes still focused on the screen. My hands smacked against my cheeks in distress. _Oh god that means nobody will be around to hear my screams then!_ One would think I’d be happy about not having to be embarrassed by my bouts of panic, but I was just worried that there would be no one there to save me.

 _And there he goes calling me by my nickname again!_  Falling back and letting my head droop over the end of the armrest, I whined at the situation I got myself into. “Ahahahahaha, nohohhohoho, heeheehee, heh, heh, heh, wa ha..ha..ha..haaaaaa……”

“What the hell are you doing?”

My psychotic meltdown being too loud, I didn’t hear Kate come back home from her date. She was now standing right in front of me, raising her eyebrow at my crazy position. Having just been hanging halfway off of the couch a second ago, I jumped back up to greet the roommate who left me with quite a surprise. “Oh! Kate! You’re back! Ha...ha…when did you get here!?”

“Just in time to see you lose your mind I guess. What’s going on?” With worry in her voice, she joins me on the couch.

“Christian just told me we will be the only two people in the office tomorrow.”

“That’s fantastic!” she claps her hands together in excitement. “I’m sure being alone with than hunk of a man will be intimidating, but I think you’ll manage.” Giving me a little wink, wink, she does her typical air nudge to my side.

“Hey Kate,” I ask, completely neglecting that insinuation.

“Hey what?”

Sitting up super straight, I look sternly into her eyes. “Can I ask you for a pretty unusual and serious favor?”

“What’s that?”

“Promise not to freak out okay?”

“Uhhhhh,” she backs up for a minute in confusion. “I guess. Why would I freak out?”

“Could you try touching the tip of my finger?”

Kate completely stops moving, her mouth dropping wide open in disbelief. “CAN I DO, WHAT!?!?”

“Oh my god I just told you not to freak out!”

“How can I not Ana!?!?” She was still shouting at me despite my pleas. “Did you actually just ask me to…touch you? I think I’m going to cry! In all the years I’ve known you, I’ve never heard such a thing.” She started getting super emotional, her hand resting on her chest to calm herself down. “What suddenly brought that up?”

“Tomorrow I start the exposure therapy with Christian. I just want to be more prepared so that I can make faster progress. Plus, I wanted the first person to touch me after all this time to be the one who means the most to me. The friend that’s stayed by my side through thick and thin, for better or for worse. The friend who didn’t leave me even when I first got the phobia.”

“AAAAAAANAAAAAAAAAA,” Kate bawls with big puppy dog eyes. “Girl stop before you make me cry,” she whines as she wipes her eyes with the back of her hand.”

“But you already are crying,” I point out with a blunt, heartless tone.

“YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! WAAAAAH,” she starts bawling again. “I just wanna give you a big ol’ hug so bad right now!”

Throwing my hands up into the air, I signal to her to back off. “Woah. Don’t push it that far. The tip of my finger will already be hard enough.”

Sniffling up her tears she says “You’re right. I can’t get ahead of myself here,” with a quick pat to her thighs. “I’m good now. Let’s do this! Anything for my best friend!”

Expecting her to turn over and try, she instead stands up and disappears into her room. I tilt my head to the side, perplexed. Waiting for a minute, I hear some crashing sounds coming from inside. _What in the heck is she doing in there?_ Finally making her appearance, it was difficult to stifle back my laughter. Coming out from the room, she was wearing a hockey mask and arm pads.

“Pua ha ha, what the heck is that Kate!?” The laughter no longer being containable, it came out so much that I had to hold my stomach from the pain.

“Hey I’ve gotta be prepared! Don’t want to get beat up you know. It’s all fun and games until I get a black eye.”

Now I was the one wiping tears from my eyes. Happy ones that is. “Where did those even come from anyway?”

“Glenn plays hockey, remember? He left his stuff here after his last match.”

“Alright, well now that you’re all suited up and ready, get over here so we can get this over with so I can finally go to bed.”

“Pfft. You talk like it’s going to be super quick and easy!”

“I mean, it’s not like it’s going to take an hour! Come on Kate it’s just a fingertip.”

She slides cautiously over to me. “Alright if you say so. I have no idea where this newfound confidence of yours has come from, but I like it. This Christian boy is on my approved list for sure.”

“Oh like he wasn’t already?” Kate was just so ridiculous sometimes I couldn’t help but laugh.

Coming close to me she says “Well. Here goes nothing!” She holds out her finger, and I do the same. “The shining moment! The proudest day of my life! The day I never thought would come. I should record this. I should savor this moment and take it slow. Really soak in the moment you know?”

So fed up, my voice raises at her “Oh for the love of god Kate, just get on with it!”

“You sure?”

“YES!!”

“Okay if you insist!”

Her finger slowly starts moving forward. Despite knowing that it was coming, and telling her to do so, it still freaked me out. My body trembling, I close my eyes. _Maybe if I don’t look at it then I won’t get scared. That’s how it works…right?_ Just as I finished that thought up, I felt the soft pressing of her finger against mine.

The beating of my heart completely comes to a halt. My eyes shoot open.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!

 

Kate screams too, jumps back and falls onto her butt. “For the love of god woman you nearly popped an eardrum there!!” Standing back up, she moves her head to the side while smacking it with her hand. “Is there any blood coming from my ears?”

Still catching my breath from the scare, I couldn’t even respond.

“Alriiiight,” Kate starts on again. “Pretty successful first round if I do say so myself! Shall we try again?”

“Y-yeah.” My breath was still taking it’s time finding its pace.

“Now that you know what kind of feeling to expect, maybe you can prepare yourself more for it. Try telling yourself, ‘It’s just Kate. Kate is my friend. She would never hurt me. Nothing bad can happen to me from just from a little tap of a finger.’”

“O-okay. I’ll t-try that.” Taking in one last giant breath, I calm myself down. _Oki-doki. It’s just as she said! It’s just Kate. Kate is my friend. She would never hurt me. Nothing bad can happen to me from just from a little tap of a finger._

Walking back up to me, she tries again. This time I keep my eyes open, but with one of them wincing slightly. Out of nervousness from my very loud outburst earlier, she goes in extra slow. _It’s just Kate. Kate is my friend. She would never hurt me. Nothing bad can happen to me from just from a little tap of a finger. It’s just Kate. Kate is my friend. She would never hurt me._ Less than a centimeter away from touching me now, my forehead started sweating profusely and my thoughts were more rushed. _It’s just Kate, Kate is my friend, she would never hurt me, nothing bad can happen to me from just from a little tap of a fingerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr—_ my neck sinks into my shoulders as I pull it back while watching her come into contact with me again.

Our fingers touch.

Silence. Nothing happens. Slowly, my head comes out from hiding. I blink at the sight of our connected fingers before me.

“You did it,” Kate whispers to me in a really hushed tone. Her face steadily turns up to look me directly in the eye. “You did it,” her voice gets a little louder.

“I did it,” I say back to her in the same volume, staring into her eyes as well.

“OH MY GOD YOU/I DID IT,” the two of us shout at the exact same time. “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!”

Somewhere in the distance squirrels scurry down from trees, and a whole row of people sitting in their houses jump in shock at the sound of two girls partying far too hard for their own good.


	10. Chapter 10

Way too nervous again, I stood outside of the door to the clinic ten minutes early. _Alright get it together Anastasia! You can do this! You have your lucky charm with you after all! That means nothing can go wrong._ It was a quiet afternoon. Light sunbreaks peaked through the clouds. It was the first bit of sun I had seen in a while. The rays helped to lift my spirits a bit as I paced back and forth.

“Early as usual I see,” Christian’s voice stopped me in my tracks.

“Oh, Christian! Good afternoon,” I greeted him as he walked up, pulling his keys out of his pocket. “You know me! If I’m not early then I’m late.”

“That’s a really great motto,” he smiles as he unlocks the door to let us inside.

All of the lights were off. The clinic was so quiet. It made it seem like an entirely different place than before. Now I felt that it really is more like an apartment than anything. With a flash, the entire vicinity lit up at once.

“Nifty light switch,” I told him not quite knowing what else to say in this awkward situation.

“Yes it really is quite handy. With one flick I can turn on nearly all the lights in the building.”

The conversation was so casual despite how riveting our talks usually were. I guess the feeling of being alone together was starting to get to the both of us. We walked over to the room we had previously been having our session in yesterday. Letting me inside, he dropped all of his things off. Today he wasn’t wearing his glasses. _He must have contacts that he alternates between._ The sleek black button up that formed so nicely over his shoulders made me blush. I had no idea why I was always so fascinated by what he was wearing. Ever since the day he came all spruced up to class, I couldn’t stop taking note of how different he looked each day.

Another thing I couldn’t stop doing since that time is improving my attire everyday as well. Today I bumped it up by wearing a mid-length, tan, button down skirt and black tights. Usually my normal dress isn’t very feminine, but this morning I woke up feeling in the cutesy mood. My very light pink makeup matching that mood. Thankfully there were still pockets in the sides of the skirt where I could move my lucky charm to. There was no way I was going to this session without it.

“Have a seat on the couch again and we will get started,” he commanded while gesturing over to said piece of furniture as he prepared his things.

“Oh y-yes. I’ll get on it right away!” I darted over to the couch, hoping that moving and speaking quickly would hide my uneasiness. Sitting straight up with my right leg on top of my left, I delicately place my hands down over them, trying to look as proper as I can. Christian joins by sitting in the chair directly in front of me again.

 “So how did things go last night? Feel any different after yesterday?”

“Quite actually. For some reason I feel like a changed woman. My soul is freer. I even managed to let Kate poke the end of my finger! Well, after some…practice that is.”

His head pulls back from hearing the news. “Oh my goodness! …That’s great!” He sincerely seemed really excited. “I never expected you to try it before the session. You really are a changed woman! I feel proud that my single session was able to do so much!” Raising his hand up to flick his hair back in a cocky manner, he was obviously trying to joke that all of this was his doing because of his amazing skills as a therapist. 

“Hey now! You can’t take all the credit! It’s not like it wasn’t mainly due to my strong personality and amazing learning ability as well! Humph,” I cross my arms and make a little pouty face at him. At that he laughs at me.

“You’re so cute Anastasia.”

“Huh!?” Mouth gaping open, the lock of my arms breaks apart and I stare at him. “Me? c-c-cute!?”

Chuckling he says “Yes. You got so mad about my joke. Of course I know that it was all on you. You’re an amazing woman after all. Most people would have been in a much rougher state had they gone through what you did. It’s that strong personality of yours that has allowed you to grow into the successful woman that you are today. I just wanted to see if I could get you to directly admit that.”

“Am I successful?” Too befuddled by that part, I totally neglected all of the other amazing compliments that he just threw at me.

“Yes! Amazingly successful! First of all you were able to get through the rough times and managed to not only complete school, but to do well enough to get into a top university! Second of all, you never turned to drugs and alcohol like a lot of abuse and neglect victims do. It also seems like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. The fact that you’ve done so well and only came out of it with a phobia is amazing.” His voice gets little higher “Not to mention, you’re strong enough to be here now to try and get over it, and even managed to get a head start yourself before the treatment! I’m seriously impressed with you Anastasia, you really have no idea!

Still too bewildered to answer, I remained sitting there with mouth gaping open and eyes blinking furiously. “Uh…oh…thank you very—”

“You don’t have to thank me. I mean every word. Anyway, we’ve gotten a bit off topic. Let’s get the treatment under way.”

I still had so much that I believed I should say back to him in response, but feeling my heart start to pound harder at the mentioning of the exposure therapy, I let it slide and tried to ready myself for what was about to come. _He really is too kind._

“Since you’ve already made some progress last night, things should go a little smoother. I will admit though, I am a little jealous. I was hoping to take the credit for being the first one to get you past your phobia.”

“J-Jealous?” At this point, the makeup wasn’t the only thing making my cheeks look pink. “You? Of Kate?” 

“Yes. Looks like I was just a few hours too late. It’s quite unfortunate. Although I suppose that just means that now I’ll have to make sure to be the one to have the pleasure of fully getting you over your phobia.” As he finishes his sentence, he gives me a little wink.

My face went from pink to beet red in an instant. “Oh. Is that so?” I asked quietly. “I will have to keep that in mind. Sorry, I didn’t realize you wanted me to wait.”

“That’s quite alright,” he stands up. “Makes my job easier. Plus it was a really smart move. You have no reason to be sorry for it.” Walking over, he kneels down in front of me just as he had done yesterday when trying to calm me down. “If you don’t mind, I would like to try and have the honor now as well.”

“Oh, yeah, ha-ha, go ahead.” Nervous laughter was taking over me again. That position he took had a strange effect on me. It was both soothing, and…a massive turn on.  

With a soft smile, he sticks his finger out. “Do let me know if at any point you get too afraid and I will stop right away. I don’t want to make you too uncomfortable.”

The redness of my face getting no opportunity to pass, I give a nod of my head and an “Mm.”

Slightly trembling, I stick my finger out as well. As his finger comes slowly towards mine, I look intently at him. The crouching stance fitting quite well with the curves of his outfit on his body, his look was way too sexy. Too distracted by his alluring nature, I hadn’t realized that his finger had already made it to mine.

I look straight down at our touching fingers. My eyes fixate on it for a good five seconds. “Wah—” I slightly jump back in surprise, falling into the back cushions of the couch, breathing heavily.

“Hey that was pretty good! You didn’t shout very much and your finger actually stayed there for quite a while!” Still stuck in the same position, he was smiling at me.

I blinked at the situation. _Oh my god, I hadn’t even realized we made contact. The thought of my finger being touched must not bother me anymore. My mind didn’t focus on it like usual._ With the happy realization, the rate of my breathing steadily slowed.

“Why don’t you try touching my finger this time?” he proposed. “According to your numbering, that should be a bit easier for you.”

“Me? Touch _you_!?”

“Is that a problem? I thought you said that touching others is easier for you than the other way around?”

“Oh. Right,” I tried to say calmly and coolly in my embarrassment at that clearly not thought out outburst.  “Yes, that’s definitely true. Ha-ha, I don’t know why I got so surprised. I’m sure I’ll have no problem doing that.” Sitting up straight, I ready my finger as if it was nothing. _I don’t know why that made me more nervous. I guess just making eye contact with him while he looks like that and thinking of touching him is just so…so…_

His beautiful eyes smile right at me. As he knelt there so suggestively with his hand out, I give a large gulp at the sight. Trying to move my finger towards him, that familiar wet feeling comes again from down below, growing more and more thick the closer I get towards him, and my heart rate increases again along with it. _Is my heart pounding from the fear? Or—_

“Tap.” Our fingers touch.

The heat drains from my body. I feel so flustered. _I can’t believe it. I didn’t scream. What’s going on? I thought I was just so scared to touch him because he’s so handsome, but, I’m feeling something else that is…unfamiliar._

“Well, well, well. Congratulations Anastasia! You’ve just successfully came in contact with another human being other than your friend for the first time in about fifteen years! How does it feel!?” Still keeping his finger against mine, he spoke and smiled with much joy.

Heat still draining from the back of my neck, my voice was low with a puff of air. “Amazing. It feels…amazing.”

Christian blinks a couple times then gulps and clears his throat. Disengaging finally from the contact he says “Well then. Shall I try touching you again this time? It seems we’ve cleared the first part of the checklist and that is getting you comfortable touching someone else. Now to work on you not giving a reaction when I do the same.” 

“Sounds g-good.” Oddly enough, I kind of felt like I almost wanted him to try touching me.

Shifting positions probably due to getting uncomfortable from holding it so long, he holds out his finger once more. “Here goes nothing.”

“Tap.”

It happened so quickly this time I didn’t even have time to think. Waiting for a few seconds, I had no reaction. The feeling this time didn’t bring anxiety. It almost instead seemed to bring…a good feeling? Getting more used to the idea now, I had a greater opportunity to actually focus on what it was like. _Warm. That’s how it feels. Warmth from his finger. I almost forgot that human skin was like that. I remember it being so cold before. Must be because of my stepfather…his skin was always so cold. He had to have been the last to touch me then. I was hoping it was someone else, but, sigh._

A tear dropped from my eye.

“Anastasia?” Christian calls my name as he looks up at my face, removing his finger in an instant. “Are you okay? Did I go too fast?”

“It’s so warm,” I stop. “I’m crying because you feel warm.” The tears poured out even more. “I don’t know why, I just didn’t expect it to feel that way,” a sorrowful smile forms on my lips as the tears continue to fall.

He looks at me first with surprise, and then with deep sincerity. To his astonishment yet again, I begin to laugh through my tears, turning them into happy ones. “Your finger is warm! Ha, ha, how great is that!?” Wiping them from my eyes, I can no longer control my laughter. “I don’t know why it just makes me so happy!”

Seeing me smile he smiles too. “I’m glad. I’m glad it feels warm Anastasia. That is what true touch is like. You’ve finally felt it again.” The tiniest formation of a tear drop appears on the line of his lid as well. Feeling overjoyed at the sight of me experiencing real touch for the first time in so many years, I guess he couldn’t help but tear up as well.

“Could you do it again?” I ask, almost begging. “I would like to feel that warmth again.”

Gently nodding his head he complies. As our fingers meet, the both of us smile at each other with tears held back in our eyes.

“Should I try and grab the tip of your finger with my whole hand now?” he suggests. 

Stopping to think for a moment, I happily bob my head in agreement. Gently and slowly moving his fingers in a curved motions towards mine, I feel a greater increase of heat as his hand folds over the top half of my finger. My eyes shut for a moment from the shock, but I hold back from letting out any screams or movements, just trying to stay as still as I can. There was no way I was going to miss out on the opportunity to feel this mass amount of wonderful heat on my skin again.

_I can almost remember it. This feeling. When my mother held my hand just weeks before that day. Her hand contained this same heat as well. At the time, the warmth felt like love radiating through my body. It seems that I also had forgotten that touch could convey such emotions. All I could feel from touch after that day was hate. The memory of other feelings had completely faded from my mind. But now, they are returning back._

“Christian,” I call out his name while looking at his fingers over mine.

“Yes?” He gives me a worried look while holding me softly.

At that, I look up at his face. “Could I try to hold your hand?”

“What!?” This time he was the one yelling in shock. “Are you serious? Are you sure you can do something as big as that right now? We’ve only just gotten you to be okay with your finger tip, are you sure you aren’t pushing yourself too fast?”

“Yes I’m sure. I just want to remember what that feels like. I want to know if I’m remembering it correctly.”

A little confused he answers “Well okay, if you insist.” Letting go of my finger, he holds his hand out in front of me.

Now having been granted his approval, I reach hesitantly toward him. _This is a bit different than holding hands with my mother, but since I can’t see her right now, it will have to do. I don’t want the memory to fade. I don’t want a vision linking nothing but hate to it in my mind. I want to know if that loving touch resides within Christian, as well as other people in this world._

 

“Now just remember. It’s okay to touch me. It won’t hurt,” he smiles as he speaks with a soothing voice.

I give a nod and large gulp back to him. He always knows how to calm me down. I started to feel that if it was him, maybe it really wouldn’t be so bad.

Trying to avoid looking him directly in the face so that I don’t get too nervous about holding hands with such a handsome man, I focus only on his hand and the gentle aura around it. _It’s only Christian. Christian is a good person. He’d never hurt me. I’m the one choosing to touch him._ Changing the words of the chant Kate had me do last night, I tried to convince myself that everything would be okay. _I’m the one choosing to do this. This is my choice. No one else’s._

With a determined face I take hold of his hand.

The warmth of his skin radiates throughout the entirety of my palm and reaches the surrounding areas. Maybe I was just going crazy, but I could have sworn that in that instant I saw a beam of light shine from my right pocket where the pendant was.

_This is it. It’s exactly how I remember, but even better. There’s even more warmth and… something else? A feeling that I don’t know how to describe again. But it’s nice. Very nice. I don’t want to lose it ever again._

With that thought, I pulled my hand away in fear of the feeling disappearing. _What if this wonderful touch turns sinister like last time? I can’t let that happen again._

“Amazing,” he says with a loving smile on his face that I managed to accidentally glimpse as I instinctively looked up upon hearing the sound of his voice. “You actually did it. An entire hand grab! What a massive improvement in just one day! Granted, you pulled back shortly after, but it’s still quite remarkable nonetheless. Honestly I was only planning on working on fingertips today.”

“Yes, it’s a little easier if I’m the one in control,” I throw out a little too directly.

Christian seems to choke for a minute for unbeknownst reasons, then stands up and sits on the other side of the couch. It made me a bit curious as to what happened. Then, that also made me start to ponder about what that other feeling was that came from him. Just what could it be? It certainly resembled the feeling of love, but it wasn’t quite the same as I had remembered it being with my mother. Of course it could just be that my memory has gotten quite rusty after all these years, but thinking that Christian loves an average girl like me anyway would be utterly absurd.

  “It’s just as you said,” he bounces right back into his therapist talk. “Though something that I believe will be helpful for you to think about as you do is that your touch will always be pure. It is not evil. You are a good person. Last time you clearly said that you couldn’t trust other’s touch because you never know if the intent will change. Although you seem to already be aware of this, one thing to keep in mind when you are the one doing the touching is that you are in control. You can always trust yourself to not change. Never worry about that and I think being able to make contact with others will come a lot more easily from now on. Maybe, that will lead you to have faith that there are other well intentioned people out there like you too.”

My eyes look down as I think. _He has a good point. Why don’t I trust myself with others? I think I was afraid of turning out like my stepfather, of hurting others because they hurt me. But I don’t sense that within me at all. As I told him within my letter, I believe it’s wrong. With such a strong belief always having been present, why was I ever worried? I’m far better than he is and will **ever** be. I’m not the one who should have lost the right to touch other people. He is. _

Realizing that I had nothing to say back to that, he speaks up again in a curious way. “Could it be…that you actually don’t trust yourself as much as others might believe?”

 _Huh?_ My head instantly peeks up.

 _How was he able to see right through me just now?_ “Ah, um…” Too in shock once again, I wasn’t able to say anything in reply, which only just re-confirmed his suspicions for a second time. 

“Well. I believe that’s something that you’re going to have to decide for yourself. No matter how many times we all may tell you what a wonderful person you are, it’s not going to get through to you until you can believe it yourself. But I’m sure you’ll find a way of figuring that out soon, considering how well you’ve already managed to on your own.” With that, he gives me a grand smile.

“…”

Silence once again.

“Anyway. Should I attempt to hold your hand now, or would you like to practice more on getting comfortable making your own contact with other people instead—”

“Definitely practicing on others,” I finally respond so fast he barely was able to finish his sentence. “I think I’ve had all I can take of your advances for the day. However, with what you just told me in mind, I would like to continue trying to touch you further.”

“Wow,” he stops for a minute. “I just realized how awkward this conversation would sound to an outsider.” Laughing, he scratches the back of his head. He was probably trying to ease me out of the discomfort and deep thoughts by making a joke.

Coming to a mortified halt, I, too, realized the impact of the words I had just said. Turning beet red yet again, I say in a panic, flailing my arms “No. No. No. No. No. I didn’t mean it like that!” Sinking into my shoulders, I couldn’t believe I let my mind wander to the point that I was no longer even in realization of what I was saying.

Christian bursts out into laughter. “I get it. This is just a very strange situation. It’s hard to talk about this kind of procedure without putting things in a suggestive way sometimes. Though, I have to say, ouch. Done with my advances for the day? That’s like every guys worst nightmare. Didn’t realize I was that bad.”

If it was possible for my face to go any redder it probably did. I didn’t find his slightly over the top joke to be amusing at all. “Nooooooooooo! I’m seriooooooous!” I frantically try to convince him. “I didn’t mean it like that, honestly! We just did a lot today and I was overwhelmed. You were great. Absolutely nothing wrong.”

His eyebrow perks at that, and I start to panic again. “Gah! Nothing lewd was meant by that either! Serious!” My head drops into my hands in embarrassment and dismay. “Ugh. I know I’m not helping my case right now.”

He falls into a fit of laughter once more. “Alright, alright. I get it. I was just teasing you. Don’t worry. You can try holding my hand again if you like.”

“Humph,” I pout at him. “Maybe I don’t want to anymore.”

“Whaaaaat,” he whines like a little kid. “Hey I’m sorry! You should really get some more practice! Don’t let my foolishness and occasional unprofessionalism stop you from improving!”

“Oh so you’re saying you want me to touch you? I get it,” I tease him back with a devious voice.

Christian’s cheeks go slightly noticeably red this time. “Huh, what?” he clears his throat and the childish voice from before suddenly turns into a deep and manly one. “Of course not. This is strictly business Anastasia. How could you make me, a professional, into such a pervert?”

“Oooooh a _professional_ ,” I tease him again. “My bad. You’re right. A man of your status would never do such a thing.”

It was odd, but somehow coming into an empty building that he owned after hours on a Saturday made the exchange we were currently having seem more casual. It was difficult to look at him as just my therapist. Today he seemed like my friend, Christian, who was offering me a helping hand more than anything else.

“Oh, ho, ho. Acting all high and mighty huh? Alright then, if that’s how it is. Let me see you grab my arm.” Holding his right arm out right in front of me, he gives a challenging stare.

Jumping back, I say with a creeped out expression “Um. Actually I think I’m okay. Looking at the time, I forgot I have something to do today. Gee. I really must be going!” With that I stand up to leave.

Truth be told, I actually wasn’t completely opposed to the idea of trying to take hold of him further. Part of me actually…desired it in a way. But of course, I didn’t want him to know that.

Laughing he gestures me to sit back down. “Okay I’m sorry, I’ll be more serious now. Actually, I was wondering if maybe one thing holding you back is not being quite comfortable enough with me yet. So, I was thinking, since tomorrow is Sunday, why don’t we go out to the harbor and spend the day getting to know each other more? I mean, for research purposes that is.” He was speaking seriously, but there was just something odd about it.

“For research purposes?” I question him.

“Yes, I want to study how much a bond with the other person affects ones improvement.” 

His answer made me feel a bit dejected. I had hoped there was some underlying intent to his suggestion, but it seemed our relationship was mostly about academic benefits after all.

Looking up, he smiles slyly as he asks “Why? What else did you think?” At first it appeared that his embarrassment was being targeted toward me, but as he gave me that look, it rather felt as if he was testing me. I became flustered in response.

 “Oh…um, nothing. I was just curious what your research was on is all.” It was a total lie, but I had to try my hardest to hide my wishful thinking. _Of course he would never actually be asking a crazy phobic like me out on a date. What was I even thinking?_  

“Right…” he responds, almost seeming…disappointed? It made me very confused. “So it’s settled. I’ll pick you up tomorrow at noon. What do ya say? How about some good old therapist-client bonding time?” He does a fist pump to the side. “Wait, that didn’t sound right…”

Shaking my head and laughing at this serious man who was just making fun of me for doing the exact same thing, I let it slide and responded with a smile. “Sure.”

“Terrific! And on that note, I’m sure today’s session was a little taxing and you need something to get your mind off of things. Since you mentioned to me the other day that you like archery, I thought that maybe you might want to come to the archery club with me tonight and see if it’d be something that you would like to join? I can introduce you to everyone. Sports and clubs are something that all of us therapists always recommend to our clients anyway. This way I can be sure you’re fully getting proper treatment. ”

“You would let me join your archery club!?” My face was now beaming with excitement. Though, I was a little surprised at the fact that he was suddenly inviting me out to go do so many things with him, but he did reference the fact that it was just another good way to study every aspect of how therapy is working on me once again. On the other hand, I couldn’t help but feel that it had something to do with the fact that I didn’t give him the kind of reply that he was looking for in his last question— whatever _that_ was.  

For the millionth time he just laughs at me. “Yeah of course. It’s not like it’s some exclusive club. Anyone that attends the university can join—”

There was a break in his sentence. Suddenly, the happy go lucky voice that he was just speaking in suddenly changed to a more downhearted one. “Well…that is until I joined. Okay, I see your point here. Sorry for laughing at you,” he bows to me. I cross my arms and raise an eyebrow at him, and he start speaking seriously “People now have to receive a recommendation and have proof that they are serious about doing archery and not just joining the club because I’m in it. That rule had to be made upon my entry the club because it then became flooded with people asking to join. It’s really sad. But now it contains only a select few of the top archers in the school. So it’s good in some ways.”

“That sounds like so much trouble…I’m sorry you always have to deal with that.”

“It’s alright. It’s something that you just get used to. Besides, as I said it’s made for one great club with some really great people. Because of that its been fantastic for making friends who share the same interests and aren’t there just to be able to talk to me. Something rare for me to come across.”

“That does sound really great. Well if that’s the case, I would love to come check it out and watch you guys, but I don’t think that I’ll fit in. I’m not that great of and archer you see, I don’t think anyone would want me on the team.”

“Nonsense! I’m sure you’re fantastic! You’ll just have to show me tonight so I can judge that for myself. How about a little competition?”

“Alright, you’re on. Challenge accepted.” Crossing my arms, I gave him a confident and smug smile.


	11. Chapter 11

Arriving at the club meeting at 6PM after returning home to finish up my homework for the night, I didn’t fully know what to expect. As I walked up to the entrance of the door, I found that it was definitely beyond my imagination. About fifty or so boys and girls were lined up outside of the medium sized, square building fighting over the space in front of the windows. Shrieking, giggling, and cuss words could be heard as they plastered their faces to the window in attempts to catch a glimpse of Christian practicing. Two body guards stayed watch at the front of the door, and the entrance was gated off.

 _God damn_ , I thought as I approached the front of the gated area. _It’s crazy how much attention he attracts. He even needs to hire body guards just so that he can attend a club. Celebrities really aren’t given enough credit for the bullshit that they have to deal with. I know I’m not one to talk though. I wonder if the club members hate or love him for it. I suppose it’s giving the club itself a lot of media attention, but at the price of putting up with all this._

Standing at the entrance, the hoard of people turned around and stared at me to see what I would do. The large man on the left safeguarding the front came forth.

Suddenly, I got overwhelmed by the fear of being touched by the people around me. Group activities like the archery club were already difficult enough for me to attend, which is why I usually avoided them, but Christian really pushed me to face my fears and start going. He said that forcing yourself into the feared situation is the fastest way to get over it. Although true, this special circumstance of large hordes of borderline psychotic fans that would probably do anything to protect or get near Christian didn’t make it any easier.

“Hello there. Your name please?” the guard asked me as I was just about to turn around and bolt off in the other direction. Stone cold in his expression, the way this unwavering person spoke was very intimidating. He looked like the typical guard you would see in a movie— bald, very tall, large frame, and massive, bulging muscles.

Cowering in fear, I politely responded “Anastasia Steele. Christian Grey invited me to join today.”

Picking up his receiver, he spoke into it “Mr. Grey— a woman claiming to be Anastasia Steele is at the front.”

“Alright, I’ll be out in a second,” the static voice of Christian could be heard from the other end.

Waiting patiently, I felt extraordinarily uncomfortable as the guard continued to stand stiff and unmoving, not taking his eyes off of me for a second. On the side, just shy of a hundred people were also watching me, whispering about who I was. Holding my hands together behind my back, I tottered between my toes and the heels of my foot, nodding my head as my teeth squeezed against my bottom lip in my anxiousness.

About a minute later, Christian appeared from behind the door. Many squeals could be heard from the crowd as they called out his name and then burst into one loud scream fest. “Oh Anastasia!” he smiles brightly. “So glad you could make it! Come on inside!” Waving me over, I nodded my head at him and laughed nervously while I passed by the guards that were now moving out of my way, but still staring coldly. The crowd just quivering with joy only a second ago was now filled with solemn gasps upon witnessing my approval.  _I’m so doomed for this,_ I internally cried to myself.

The room was very wide and open, not much contained in it. Place markers to the left and a line of targets on the opposing side were pretty much the entirety of objects in the room. About ten other people could be seen, along with one instructor shouting instructions at a girl doing target practice. Everyone, including Christian, was wearing the traditional Japanese archer uniform. _Judging by the outfit, I assume this is Kyudo, Japanese style archery._

I pan Christian up and down. The traditional wear is very fitting for him. No matter what he dresses in, he’s always so sexy, but this uniform really takes the cake. I try and hold back my blushing.

“Come on over and have a watch,” he calls me as he points over to the girl I had just been observing. “That’s Emily. She’s our top archer. Her skills are so great, she even beat me out of my place.”

“Her form is incredible,” I say in awe as I see her take a shot. It was true. As I watched the small, short haired blonde girl, she only missed the target a couple times. Clearly she had been practicing archery for many years. Stoic in nature, she concentrated hard on her shooting with a serious face. _Oh no,_ I cower in fear to the side. _I’m nowhere **near** as good as that. Plus, I’m only vaguely familiar with this style of archery. I’ve only ever done it for pretend hunting when I used to go to let out my anger and escape into the wilderness. I’m going to make a fool of myself. _

“She really is something else isn’t she?” Christian says without taking his eyes off of her. “Although she is younger than me, I always look up to her as my superior. I strive to be like her, and then even better someday. She’s what really gets me motivated every evening at practice. A true prodigy.” 

Suddenly I felt really jealous. _This amazing woman is near him every weekend.  A prodigy? How am I ever going to compete with that…_

“Come on over, I’ll introduce you to her,” he motions to me again while walking toward her upon noticing my silence.

“Oh, wow, that’d be great,” I lied as I made a nervous expression. Following along I kept my head down, avoiding eye contact. _Dear god. I’m far too socially awkward for this. Why, just why?_

She peered over at us from her bow, then dropped it down as we stopped in front of her. “Oh hey Christian, what’s up? Who is this lovely lady here?” Switching quickly from her stone faced expression earlier, she was surprisingly a happy and kind person. The cheerfulness of her voice calmed me down.

“This is Anastasia,” he replied. “She’s joining us today to check out the club. She’s also a fan of archery so I thought I would introduce the two of you.”

“Oh,” she looks over at me and sticks out her hand. “It’s very nice to meet your acquaintance Anastasia.”

Staring down at her extended arm, I didn’t know what to do. _This is it Anastasia! This is what you and Christian have been training for. It’s time to take the practices in the session to the test in the outside world! You have to shake hands with her. You can’t lose to a tough person like this._

Christian was just about to say something when I quickly grabbed her hand without another thought. If I let my mind wander too much and fall into its usual worrying state then I would have never done it. Clenching her hand tight, my whole body stiffened as I tried my hardest to resist the urge to pull back and scream. Making an almost inaudible grunting sound, I kept a straight face and shook her hand. “Pleased to meet you too,” I said in the most normal voice that I could muster. 

The struggle seemed to go unnoticed by Emily who was happily smiling at me. Christian, on the other hand, dropped his mouth in shock. The tension becoming too much to keep holding on, I dropped my hand in relief and carried on. “You’re one unbelievable archer, it was like nothing I had ever seen. I couldn’t help but feel jealous.”

I looked calm on the outside, but on the inside, I was screaming with joy. _Oh my god, I did it! I seriously did it! I shook a strangers hand for the first time in so many years!! Ya-haha!_

“Oh my dear, you’re too kind. No need to feel jealous. I’ve just spent a ridiculous amount of hours practicing. If you would like any tips, I would gladly share them with you.” She then nods her head over to Christian. “This eager boy over here bugs me for them all the time.”

“Ah ha-ha. A bit full of ourselves now aren’t we Emily?” Christian scowls at her, completely brushing off the handshake as if nothing had happened. “I was going to demonstrate for Anastasia first, but if she would like to grab some pointers from you at the end, I would be more than happy to let her. You’re a fantastic teacher after all, I wouldn’t want her to miss out on the opportunity.” The way he spoke was lined with a bit of sarcasm. It appeared that the two of them were close friends.

“Don’t listen to this guy, he’s the one who’s full of himself,” she winks at me. “I’m sorry you have to put up with him. All those people trying to infiltrate our club outside would leave in an instant if they knew how much of a pain this guy is.”

Jokingly, I argue “Oh, it’s quite alright. I’ve found Christian to be _decently_ pleasant so far.”

“Decently!?” he turns over to me in astonishment. Crossing his arms he asks “What do you mean by just _decently_!?”

Emily and I both start cracking up together.

 _Wow,_ I stopped to think about the situation for a moment. _She’s a great example of how all us women should treat each other. Instead of fighting against me before even getting to know anything about who I am, she just greeted me with true friendliness and sincerity— unlike Jennifer and her fake kindness. I’m realizing now that I shouldn’t have automatically gotten jealous of her earlier, she’s actually a really cool person. We could all learn a thing or two from her._

“She means what she means. You can be a tough one to handle. Instead of focusing on that, why don’t you get on with your _amazing_ display of talent for this little doll here,” she mocked him.

Hearing her call me a doll made my cheeks turn pink. They really change colors far too easily. If she kept getting any more awesome, I was afraid I might start to develop a little crush on her.

On the other hand, Christian squinted his eyes at her and declared “Maybe I will,” then angrily left to go grab his bow from the back.

“I joke around, but he’s actually quite good,” she says to me once he was out of hearing distance. “You’ll see in a minute here. I have full faith he will soon become one of the next prodigies in this field.”

Doing as she said, we both watch him walk over to the marking tape a few rows ahead of us. Putting on his shooting glove with determination, he arranges his feet in a straight line towards the target, then straightens up his back with shoulders parallel to his legs. Placing the arrow into the bow with his left hand, he takes in a deep breath then slowly and calmly lifts it up above his head.  Drawing the bow while lowering it down to match the line of his shoulders with a balance between his left and right hands, he keeps his eyes focused on the target. The stance he was holding was beautiful in form. The arrow resting against his cheek in a perfectly straight line, the flexing of his strained muscles on his arms flawlessly held, and the fine posture of his body all turned him into a pristinely carved statue, appearing as a god of archery. 

Awestruck, I couldn’t help but take my attention away from the picture perfect form to focus on his gorgeous face as he drew the arrow past and rubbed against it with the edge of his thumb. The exposed muscles of his forearm flexing and quivering from the strenuous activity had me hypnotized. _They’re so slim and defined. Perfectly sculpted. Not sickeningly and overly large either. I only wonder what he could do with power like that._ Getting aroused slightly by the scene in front of me as if I was some sort of peeping tom, my mind was left to wander off into deeper thoughts. _Dancing…with him would go so well. He’d be perfectly capable of lifting me up…holding and grabbing me tight. And paired with those gentle but strong, trained fingers, they could do some amazing things…in some amazing places…like my—_

The thought was cut off as he released the bowstring. His hands remained unmoved but the fingers themselves let go of the arrow in one quick “Shwoop.” Striking the dead center of the target, the whole room broke into an applause. The breaking of their applause broke my fantasy. I was brought back into reality. Christian’s expression remained unchanged and he brought his arms back to his side in a dignified, strong pose. Holding this elegant and kind posture for a moment, he walked away from the main floor and back over to us.

_Oh my god. What was I just thinking? I got so lost into it that my phobia didn’t even get the chance to take over. But how? That’s never happened before. You’d think all that power he has would scare me off even more, and yet—_

“So how’s that for ‘ _amazing talent_ ’?” Christian boasts as he stands in front of Emily.

In the most sarcastic voice she responds back “Yes, yes you’re soooo cool. You hit the middle of the target. But oh, wait a minute here…ha, ha! I suddenly remember that I just did that only a minute ago.”

He glares at her while crossing his arms. “One day I’ll surpass you, _then_ you won’t be laughing.”

“Maybe in your dreams!” she bellows hysterically with her hands on her stomach. “Because that could certainly never happen in this world!” Ignoring him, she looks over at me. “By the way Anastasia, I believe it’s your turn to show us what you’ve got.”

“Me!?” I respond back in disbelief, having only just reawakened from my daydream. “But I don’t know kyudo style shooting. I’ve only done recreational, western style archery.”

Meanwhile, one could almost see the steam fuming off of Christian’s head as he gave her a jealous death glare. 

“That’s alright! Shoot how you know to then! Today’s just a normal practice day so you don’t need to worry about it and just have some fun.” She hands her bow out to me.

“Yeah, it’s all just about having a good time here! But I have no doubt that you’ll still do even better than me Anastasia!” Christian smiles sweetly to me as he pushes over Emily’s place in the conversation. “Here. Take my lucky arrow,” he hands one to me from inside his quiver.

“You talk like that’s something hard to do,” Emily snorts. “That arrow will probably give her your bad luck.”

Christian rolls his eyes to the side in annoyance.

“Oh.” Now extremely nervous after having to go after these two elitists, I picked up the bow and arrow with an uncertain nod. “Thank you two for your kindness. I’m sure both of these items will help me to do better.” Walking over to the nearest line, I readied for firing. Christian, having obviously gotten over his hatred for Emily, crossed his arms and gave an expectant smile, seeming like he was ready for something good to happen. My form wasn’t as elegant as theirs was, but its rough nature still usually got the job done. Squinting my eyes in concentration, I brought up my bow and pulled the tip of the arrow close to my cheek. _Okay you’ve got this Anastasia! If you can do something as crazy as shake a girl’s hand, then you can definitely do something as simple as shooting an arrow!_ Narrowing my vision to the center of the target, I released the string, and in an instant, the arrow shot forward straight into the edge of the middle circle.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOH,” every member in the room called out in surprise.

So worried about my image as an archer, I hadn’t even noticed that everyone had been watching me. In a split second, they all came in and crowded around me.

“Wow! Nice one new girl!” one man called out.

“He’s right, that was pretty good for a newbie,” another woman said.

Flattered, I sure was, but the problem was that everyone was coming in so close to me. Some other guy rushed over and tried to give me a high five. Stressed out from all the people now only a few centimeters away from me, I shrugged my head into my shoulders and quickly tried to high five his hand back, but I winced at the contact, unable to control my emotions because of the extreme anxiety overcoming me.

This is when Christian decided to step in— by literally pushing his way into the middle of the circle. “Hey now guys, let’s not crowd around the new girl and scare her,” he waves them off. “We don’t want that kind of crazy first impression.” The crowd a bit startled, backed off without question. They seemed not think anything of my reaction.

 _Phew,_ I internally breathed out in relief. Silently, I signal to him “Thank you,” with my lips.

Nodding to show that he understood, he rounded up everyone together a few feet away from me.

I couldn’t help but feel that it was so nice to have someone around who knew about my phobia and was willing to protect me like that. Most people always just stood by and watched, or even laughed. My whole life I’ve been on my own, having no one standing up for me other than myself. Kate couldn’t always be around. Now I had Christian here to save me from becoming “the freak” once again. A favor unpayable. Twice at that.  

The rest of the time consisted of him introducing me to all of the members. I found that pretty much everyone in the club was genuinely kind and very passionate about the art. A few of them seemed slightly infatuated with Christian, but for the most part, they really were there for the archery and didn’t care about his presence. It made me feel so happy to see him surrounded by people that truly liked him for him, and didn’t treat him special because he was famous. Knowing that it was something that had caused him pain in his life, I felt eased at the thought. It dawned on me why he wanted to become a therapist— so that he could have this same feeling when he saw others who went through so much pain become happy too. Part of me knew that this case was extra special for me, though, because I had begun to develop a bit of an attachment to him.

Hanging out with everyone was the most fun I had had in a while. It was normally very difficult for me to make friends, and I hadn’t spent a lot of time in large groups other than the phobia circle. Happiness that I didn’t know that I could feel came over me. We all made jokes and laughed together, shared interesting stories and tips on archery, and so on. Getting to know Christians friends made me feel closer to him, like I was becoming a part of his life. It was the normal side of him that most people were unable to see. A person with feelings and emotions, hopes and dreams, and a set of crazy friends— and maybe even an enemy or two. The thought of Emily made me laugh. Forgetting the crowd of crazy fans screaming just a few feet away from us outside the wall, he became a regular human like us all.

 

After a remarkably satisfying night at the club, I returned home. The experience was so great that I decided to join after all. Fortunately, they were very impressed with me as well and welcomed my entry— I mean I _did_ receive a recommendation from the great Christian himself after all. Falling back onto my bed with a blissful exhale of air, cell in hand, I clicked on the messaging icon to send a thank you to Christian. He had to stay behind for a bit, so I wasn’t able to give a proper goodbye. Pulling out the pendant that I always keep in my pocket to give me some inspiration on what to say, I was quite surprised to find that it was shining so brightly that it looked as if rolling around in my pocket had cleaned it off. Impossible though, of course, considering I don’t wash my clothes as often as I should. The radiance and purity encouraged me to message him:

Hey! Just wanted to say thanks for inviting me today! :) It was surprisingly a blast, and I actually became interested in learning Kyudo because of you. Your friends are so cool and fun, so I’m honored to be a part of the circle now. To be honest, it’s the first time in a long time that I’ve been able to hang out in a group like that. I feel like I owe you more than just a thank you text.

Less than a minute later his reply came in:

Yeah no problem!! :) No gratitude necessary, it was more than a pleasure to have you there. It was the least that I could do as both your friend and your therapist.

 _It was the least he could do as a **friend**? _ I became really stuck on that word again. _He still only thinks of me as a friend I see…figures, not that much time has passed anyway. This wasn’t a date after all._ I gave a sorrowful sigh while staring down at the message, not budging an inch to give my reply. _Why does it matter anyway? Why am I getting so upset about it?_ Taking in a deep breath, I brushed it off and typed out my response:

Still, I would like to treat you to a meal or something sometime.

_I wonder if he thinks of Emily as a friend too. Honestly, I wouldn’t blame him if he thought of her as something more. She’s just that cool. Couldn’t even be mad. With the way that he was admiring her today and how upset he got about her view of him, it could entirely be possible._

Immediately he starts typing back. The indication came from the three dots appearing in a bubble in the chat. That bubble was then filled by:

Oh? Could you be asking me on a date? You were so suspicious of me inviting you out to lunch before, but look what we have here. Trying to use your gratitude as an excuse to ask me out ;) It’s okay Anastasia, you don’t have to be ashamed. I couldn’t resist me either.

“What!?” I couldn’t help but shout out loud in astonishment as I bolt straight up into a crisscross position. _Who does this guy think he is!? I was just trying to be nice and here he is making fun of me. If only he knew what a jab that is right now!_ Heart beating rapidly from embarrassment, I shakily but furiously type back:

Well, well, well. Aren’t you cocky! For your information, I didn’t have any implication of wanting to go on a date with you, nor did I ever imply that you were asking me out on a date the last time xP Seems like YOURE the one who’s wishing for a date with me.

Instantly again I receive a response:

Oh my! You caught me! Whateeeever shall I do!?

The sarcasm could be sensed straight through the phone. Right after that he sends a gif of a man being handcuffed and dragged into a police car. Puffing air into my cheeks, I made a pouty face at my phone as if my annoyance could be sent straight to him. I went to pound in an angry response, but another set of chat bubbles from him popped up:

By the way, I haven’t gotten the chance to mention it yet, but I was super impressed by you today. Not just about your amazing archery skills, I mean also the fact that you shook Emily’s hand. I was so astonished that it was hard to keep my cool and stay silent. That was a remarkably fast improvement. It was difficult to tell that you were feeling uncomfortable. You looked so natural. Well done. You make a therapist proud.

In an instant, I shifted from embarrassed and annoyed to emotional and on the verge of tears due to the immensely kind words and recognition. _He noticed and acknowledged me. I thought that he wouldn’t understand how difficult doing that was, but apparently he did. How can he understand so well when others don’t? So many other people always say to me “It’s not that hard” or “Just do it.” But not him. He gets it. He gets me._

Interrupting our smoothly flowing conversation with a pause to take in all of the emotions overtaking me, I reply back after a minute with:

Thank you. I’m so happy to hear that you noticed. Knowing that now means the world to me. You really are a fantastic therapist, and should be proud of what you’ve done.

The typing bubble pops up again so quickly that I wonder if he even had read the whole thing or not:

It wasn’t me. That was all you. You should be proud of yourself.

Blushing, and biting my bottom lip, I fall back down onto the bed, and a puff of air shoots out from the covers while my long hair sprawls out over the sheets. _He’s so wonderful,_ I sigh while closing my eyes and placing my cell over my heart. Looking back at the screen again, I type the words coming from deep inside it. Somehow he manages to switch the topic of conversation again and we return to the silly back and forth flirtation, as well as many corny jokes of his that keep me laughing out loud all night. Tossing and turning on the bed, laying on my stomach and giggling into my phone while crisscrossing my feet into the air, and rolling around on it were just a few of the habits that I developed while getting too absorbed into my endless conversation with Christian. “ _Who am I”_ , and _“What has he done to me,”_ were just a couple of questions I had for myself. Having too much fun joking around with him, we kept each other up until 3AM before finally saying goodnight and sending one another off to bed.

Just before drifting off to sleep, I thought back to the moment when I was heading out of the door to the archery club. Christian and Emily were standing back in a corner chatting about something. Just as I walked out and looked back, she peered over at me in the middle of their conversation and gave a meaningful smile. I had no idea what they were saying, but it was clear that the conversation had something to do with me. After his strange texts from tonight, the mystery of what it could have been was really starting to nag at me. 

 


	12. Chapter 12

A text from Christian came in to let me know that he had arrived. _Twelve o’clock right on the dot. He really is punctual._ Last night he had asked for my address so that he could come straight to pick me up from my house. At first I was hesitant to let him know where I live, but in the end I gave in. Good to save money on gas after all. As I picked up my things to get ready to go out, Kate was viciously smiling. 

“Hm, hm, hm. Good luck on your date today my pretty lady!” Kate’s eyebrows did a wiggle as she talked.

“For the last time, it’s not a date! This is strictly professional,” I demanded.

“Oh really? So going out to the harbor to walk along the water while talking and eating ice cream is just a normal and professional thing to do with your client, huh?” Her voice was very skeptical.

“Well, um, I mean, it’s-it’s…it’s for trust purposes! Yeah! So that I feel more comfortable with letting him touch me for the exposure therapy!” Unfortunately I couldn’t find it in me to make my tone sound more convincing.

“Uh-huh. Sounds like an excuse to me.”

“What!? An excuse!? Oh man Kate, always being so judgmental. Gee, would you look at that good old time again. Can’t keep Christian waiting! Gotta run!” Quickly, I jet out of the door, closing it behind me as she shakes her head with an assured grin.

Christian was sitting in his car that was parked on the curb directly in front of my apartment. Seeing me come out of the door, he got out to greet me.

“Good afternoon Ana,” he says as he walks over to the passenger side and holds the door open for me. Today was leather jacket and sunglasses day. The sun was shining extra bright, and warm air could be felt for the first time in months. It was absolutely perfect weather for a date at the waterfront, almost as if he had planned it or something. _Sunglasses make sense because of the sun…but with a leather jacket?_ _He’s definitely trying to go for the cool boy look, and unfortunately, it’s working._

I walk down the stairs toward him, flustered by how suave he looks holding the door out for me in that outfit. “What are you doing?” I question him with an urgent whisper. “I thought you didn’t want anybody to spot us together in this car?”

“I figured being able to be a gentleman for a beautiful lady such as yourself is worth the risk,” he uttered as he removed his sunglasses in a slow and sexy way. “Watch your head,” he motions me to get inside.

I stop right in front of the door at the mentioning of the word beautiful. “Beautiful lady? Oh no, no, no. No need to flatter me,” I wave my hand in the air while slightly laughing at the ridiculousness of the compliment. “Kindly opening up the door for a crazy potato like me is already more than enough.”

“Don’t be so humble Anastasia. You’re gorgeous and you need to own that fact,” he smiles with a radiating stare as he leans against the edge of the open door, so tall that he towers over it.

Hiding my once again blushing face from him, I dip into the car while saying “Oh, ha-ha, I thought I just told you not to flatter me.”

Softly, he shuts the door halfway with a chuckle as I finish getting in. Right before closing it completely, he stops and pulls something out from behind his back. “A flower for the beautiful not so ‘potato’ accompanying me today,” he says as he hands over a single red rose with a short bow.

Baffled, I take it from him in confusion. “For…me? What for?”

“There was a cute little old man selling some flowers in a stand on the way here and I couldn’t resist picking one up. I figured it’d be a good thank you for coming out with me today.”

“Oh…well thank you very much. That wasn’t necessary. I should be the one giving gifts to you.”

“It was my pleasure, and I don’t need anything,” he says quickly before I could say anything back as he shuts the door and walks around to the other side. 

“What are we doing at the harbor today anyway?” I ask as I take a sniff of the rose with a smile while he gets into the driver’s seat. It was the first flower I had ever received in my life. I wasn’t the hugest fan of flowers, but the small sentiment made me feel oddly and tremendously happy. “You never really mentioned anything other than the fact that that’s where we’re going.”

“It’s a surprise. You’ll just have to wait and find out,” he winks as he shifts into drive, and casually puts his sunglasses back on before taking off. 

 

After a riveting conversation about hobbies, food, and whether a bowl of water with ice cubes is considered a soup or not, we arrived at a paid parking spot downtown. Making a joke that he would cover my eyes to surprise me if he was able, he led me over to a restaurant along the waterfront. I regrettably had to leave my rose back in the car.

The waitress immediately recognized him and asked for an autograph. To that, he told her that he would give one to her if she kept the news about him being here on the down low. _Wow, the celebrity life really can be worse than the phobia life. Must be so annoying not being able to go **anywhere** without being recognized, _I thought as I watched the scene unfold with my arms crossed. Accepting the offer, we were brought to the best seat in the house. _Though it does have its benefits at times I suppose._

The restaurant was pretty small, just enough that I didn’t feel overwhelmed by ramped hands flying around everywhere. A perfect choice in that regard, but certainly not on the fancy scale. I felt vastly underdressed for the occasion in my hardly semi-formal clothing. French was the style that was being portrayed, and having peeked at the menu on the way in, expensive also seemed to be the case as well. Certainly not anything I could afford for a normal evening, though just cheap enough to permit for a special occasion. It made me wonder what kind of upbringing he had. His father would have treated him to many fancy places even greater than this one, but when he was on his own, he definitely had to have been eating at your average Joe restaurants like everyone else. I also noticed a pattern in his choice in places. They were all very tiny and quaint. Not too many people around. I also started to wonder if that really was a choice on his part for not wanting to deal with being recognized, or if it was actually a well-informed, conscious decision for my sake. Either way, it always benefited the both of us. 

“Well here it is,” Christian states as we take a seat. “The restaurant with one of the best views of the water. Also with some of the best seasonal cocktails.”

“Trying to get me drunk are we? You know that’s not going to make me want to let you touch me any more than usual,” I ignorantly joke around.

Nearly spitting out his water, he replies “Goodness Anastasia, what’s suddenly come over you? I’m not such a bad guy you know!”

“I know. I was just teasing you since you always like to do it to me so much,” I wink at him, not quite knowing what’s gotten into me either.

“Fair. I guess I deserved that one,” he takes another sip of water, trying to drown out his embarrassment. “Anyway, meals on me. Order anything you like. I promise I won’t abuse you if you want to try out one of the cocktails. I know how much of a foodie you claim to be, so it’s time to start putting that to the test. Day one of testing starts now,” he pushes the menu towards me, then crosses his arms and gives an overconfident grin. 

Laughing at that notion, all I could say was “I think I will. Your exams are no match for me, so don’t get too cocky here. But again, you don’t have to pay for me. I know you’re not as rich as everyone thinks you are, so I wouldn’t want you to have to waste your money on me.”

“Nonsense. I’m still far more well off than most and don’t have much to spend it on, so I’d like to put it into having fun doing boogie challenges with you. No refusals allowed.”

“Hmmmm,” I think for a minute. “Well okay. But next meals on me. No refusals as you said.”

Giving me an “oh you” look, he had no choice but to agree to a response like that.

We make our orders and then spend some time looking out the window at at the stunning view of the sun causing the water in the ocean to sparkle with a vastly radiating shimmer. It was just like the reflection of light the buildings had created on the nighttime water the other evening at the park. Only less colorful and much brighter.

“You’re right,” I start the conversation back up. “This really is one amazing view. You can see the ferries wheel and everything.” 

“I know right,” he responds in a boastful manner. “It’s funny that you mention the Ferris wheel, because I will actually be taking you on it to watch the sunset tonight.”

“Seriously!?” my face gleamed with excitement. “I’ve been wanting to do that forever! Looking at beautiful sights is one of my favorite things to do. I think it’s the best way to remind ourselves that life is beautiful and a precious gift. We should enjoy these simple things everyday so that we never forget what a blessing it is, as we never know when the day will come that it will all be gone. That’s also why I like food so much. It’s just the small things in life, like a nice view and a good cup of coffee to go with it, you know?”

“Indeed I do know,” he says softly as the smile on his face becomes long and genuine. “That’s why I like you. You think the same as me.”

“I do?” I ask in surprise. “Is this also something that you believe?”

“Of course. How do you think I made it through such a rough childhood? It was by finding the small things in life to enjoy. Just as you did, I’m sure. Going through those difficult things for us was brutal, but in a way, I think it’s a blessing because it taught us how to appreciate life’s wonderful joys such as this one,” he looks out the window at a streak of sparkling water.

This time _I_ gave the long, genuine smile to him. “You’re absolutely right.”

There was another pause in our conversation as we just enjoyed the company of someone who appreciates the simplicity of a beautiful scenery as much as the other. It was then that I had an astounding realization. Back when I was about fifteen going through a difficult and lonely time, I spotted a cute boy sitting across the way on a bus headed to downtown Seattle. I had headed out to the harbor to have some alone time and get away from my chaotic life after a group of students bullied me during class, sending me home crying. The boy had caught my attention because as the bus passed over a bridge across the water, he looked out the window to stare at the view and smiled. Throughout the entire ride everyone else was too busy on their phones to notice or care about the beauty of the world around them. But not him. He was different. He and I both spent the entirety of the time gazing out into the small, beautiful facets of the world around us, never taking our eyes off of it. That is, except for me who would occasionally look over to glance at the stunning teen that I was slowly starting to fall in love with. The most beautiful soul I had ever laid eyes upon. His eyes sparkled in the sunlight through the window as he stared through it, and I was enamored by every part of him. Sadly, I got on the bus almost every single day after that hoping to run into him again. But I never did.

The boy forever stayed in my memory from that day on as my long lost soulmate that I would always be in love with. A person that seemed to have the same feeling and understanding of the world as I did. Always, I wanted to know more about him and that amazing mind of his. Strangely enough, although I thought I would never see him again, Christian highly resembled that boy. Both in his looks and his spirit. As I watched Christian gaze out the window of the restaurant, just as my soulmate had on the bus, the sunlight shined through and his eyes gave off that same sparkle as a smile crept up on his lips. It was as if he was mimicking the image in my memory.

Blinking a few times, I wanted to ask him if he was the one on the bus, but I realized that there could be no way he would ever know what I was talking about even if it was him. It was such an ordinary bus ride on an ordinary day so long ago that only I who made it into such a significant encounter would be able to recall it. So instead, I brushed it off as an uncanny resemblance and let it go from my mind.

Starting up the conversation again to forget about it, I suddenly asked “So why is it that I always have to come after hours by the way? Why aren’t you just scheduling me as a normal client?”

At that he turns away from the window and starts laughing hysterically.

Feeling kind of annoyed, I ask him again “What’s so funny?”

“Oh boy you’re a killer Ana,” he ends his laughter, wiping a tear from his eye. “A guy that was already famous to begin with turning into the most quickly graduated and high ranking therapist attracts a lot of attention. I’m booked for appointments six months in advance, and the only reason it’s only that long is because we set that limit so that our current patients would have the opportunity to keep coming in to see me for follow up visits. A lot of people just come for the chance to have a session with me and don’t have any real serious issues anyway. It’s really difficult to tell who wants to see me because they need the best therapist for their problem, or who just wants to get the chance to be treated by a ‘famous hot doctor’ – or whatever ignorant thing they want to call me.” 

Everything that he just said left me in shock. _Damn, why did I never think of that? It makes total sense. Of course his clinic would be immensely popular. Especially with a name like “Grey” printed right on the front. But with a wait list like that, I can’t believe he reserves extra hours just for me. Why would he do that?_ The thought was quite puzzling. “Wow,” the density of my realization was very apparent. “I feel so special to be let in right away then. Like getting backstage passes to a sold out Beyoncé concert. Wouldn’t you think that it would be fairer to other clients if I was put on this list and had to wait my turn like everybody else?”

The waitress came back to the table to serve our food. We decided on sharing the courses so that we could try more things. Two foodies were eating together after all. After placing down all of the plates, she completely ignored me the entire time while chatting with Christian. She even didn’t refill my water after pouring some into his cup, then left with a wink and a “Just let me know if there’s anything else I can do for you. Anything at all. I won’t hesitate to do it no matter what it is,” appointed only towards him. Steam radiated from the top of my head in annoyance. _Who does she think she is treating me like that!?_

Hilariously he responds “Well if that’s the case then could you go find me a fragment from Saturn? You see, it’s the favorite planet of this lovely lady having dinner with me,” he motions towards me. “She’s always wanted a piece of it for her own. With all the shock she’ll probably be needing a refill on her water afterwards too. What makes her happy makes me happy after all. I’m sure she’d enjoy some good service. You _did_ say _anything_ , right?” He spoke very politely and in a joking manner as if to be funny, but one could tell by his words that he wasn’t actually finding it to be all that hysterical. 

Brushing off his request with nervous laughter, she returned to attending other tables and Christian grinned with satisfaction.

Snorting and holding back my laughter at his wise but brutal response, I didn’t know what else to say. _I can’t believe he just did that for me. Figured he didn’t even notice that she was ignoring me._

“Anyway, where was I?” he quickly turned his attention back to our conversation. “Oh yes, that’s right. Normally it would be, but I think that you’re a special person deserving of a special treatment.”

Looking up as my heart stops momentarily, I bluntly ask him “You think I’m special?”

He coughs a couple times, baffled. “Uh. I mean, you’re very valuable to my research, so it’s worth the time investment to get you in sooner. So yes.”  

“Oh,” I say sadly, taking a bite of my food. “I see.” _I knew it. I’m only important to his research, not to him. I can’t believe I almost believed for a second there that it could be something else. He can be so difficult to read sometimes, I’m sure he thinks I’m so dense._

Upon seeing my gloomy face, he was stunned and scrambled to fix the situation. “Ah no, I’m sorry, I didn’t quite mean it like that! Yes, I meant that you’re very helpful to me, but also that you’re somebody important who’s worth the time. Not just because it will develop my research. I’m really sorry that came out wrong. I can be very awkward talking with girls sometimes, since I haven’t had much practice.”

“Wait, what?” I shook my head in astonishment. It was certainly the wildest thing I had heard all day. Even more so than his six month wait list. “What do you mean you’re not used to talking to girls? Don’t you talk with them all the time? So many throw themselves at you every day, just like that waitress just now,” I tried to hold back my jealousy as I said that, but a bit of it unfortunately escaped through my slightly peeved attitude. “I would assume you’ve had _hundreds_ of girlfriends by now.”

“Wow. _Hundreds_ of girlfriends you say?” he begins to laugh. “Who do you take me for? Some kind of player?”

I go pale from embarrassment. “No, I didn’t mean it like that! I mean, um, well, you know—”

“You mean that you thought I was a play boy. It’s okay, you can be honest. I’m sure that’s what everyone would expect. But nope. I’ve never had a real girlfriend. There was one wonderful woman in my past whom I loved dearly, but she never had much interest in me as anything more than a friend. After years of pursuing her, she finally started to warm up to me, but as soon as she did, she was harassed by my millions of fans that found out about it. Getting so scared and traumatized, she never spoke to me again. All contact was completely cut off. Blocked me on every social media account, changed her number, her legal name, moved to a new address out of state, and I even heard that she cut and dyed her hair in order to change her appearance. Because of a piece of crap like me, her life was completely ruined. I still haven’t stopped blaming myself for it. Ever since then, I never pursued another human being again.” He took a woeful bite out of his duck leg.

Feeling so much sorrow for this poor man, all I could muster up was “That’s awful…” as my saddened voice became quieter, so much regret for what I had just said now overtaking me.  _God I’m such a dick. This whole time I’ve just been judging him before even getting to know him, even though I always complain about everyone doing the same thing to me. Literally about everything too. And yet, I found out it was all completely wrong. He’s not rich (well, kind of), he’s not a snob, he’s not a playboy, he’s not selfish, he’s just not anything I thought he was. I’m no better than everyone else who only likes him for his money. Instead, I **hated** him for it. That has to make me even worse than them…_

“It’s alright. She’s much better off without me in her life,” he tried to assure me between bites of the duck. “Guess she just wasn’t the one for me, or else it wouldn’t have taken her that long to warm up to me anyway. So that makes me better off as well. Now I can be with somebody who truly loves me.”

“And have you found that person yet?” I didn’t waste a second to throw in my question, finding my heart racing at the mentioning of true love.

Christian had no reaction. Eyes fixated on me, he gave a warm, closed smile. “I hope so.”

“Ba-bump.”

 _Why is he looking right at me while saying that? Is he talking about…me? There’s just no way. It can’t be. He must be talking about someone else, or just a simple wish._ “Oh,” I go red in the face again. “I hope you have too. Whoever she is, she’s one lucky lady.”

“I think _I’d_ be lucky one if she did,” he counters back.

“Ah. This girl must be pretty amazing then,” my voice was tinged with sarcasm and jealousy. A pained feeling in my chest. _Hearing him talk about another girl like that makes me feel so upset. But why? Why does that make me upset? I should be happy for him. It’s probably Emily anyway. Or maybe even that gorgeous receptionist of his._

With eyes even more focused on me, and an even brighter smile, he answers _“_ I sure think so.”

“Ba-bump.”

 _Dear god. Why does he focus on me so intently when he says that? My heart is going to explode. Am I just crazy or is he trying to imply that he’s really talking about me?_ Feeling so flustered, I felt the need to change the subject as soon as I could. “Well I hope she confesses to you soon, you really deserve that chance after everything you’ve been through. I have no doubt you would make one amazing boyfriend. Almost makes me jealous,” I say casually as I eat some more of the pasta. “Anyway, enough of sad talks again. I was wondering if you perhaps owned the latest gaming console? A new game that I really want to play was released exclusively for it, so I’ve been looking for somebody to borrow one from for ages.”

“No way! You’re a gamer!?” So down only a second ago, his mood switched from calm to excited in a jiff.

“Yes. A pretty hardcore one at that. Well, at least I would be if I had more money and time. I just don’t get the chance to play like I used to.”

He looked so utterly baffled. Sheer thrill and delight present on his face. “I haven’t met many female gamers before. I do in fact have the console you’re looking for, and probably the game as well. I can bring it over the next time we go out! I’d love to see what kind of skills you’ve got!” Finishing up the last bit of his food, he ecstatically carries on, “Man Anastasia. I knew you were cool, but I didn’t know that you were _that_ cool! Cute, kind, and a gamer. You must have had so many boyfriends by now.”

“What!?” I choke on the bite of food that I was just indulging in. Guess it was his turn to make assumptions about me. _What’s he implying by that? He should obviously be able to see that I’m not someone men would have sought over. Also, how did we get on this topic again? I tried so hard to get off of it._ “No of course I’ve never had a boyfriend. For one, I’m not that cute. Second of all, there’s lots of girl gamers, it’s not anything special. Third of all, it’s impossible for me to have a boyfriend because of my phobia. What guy would want to date a freak that he couldn’t even touch?”

“Well I, for one, think that you are plenty cute. Better than all the rest of those annoying, self-centered girls and boys at the university. And second of all, you’re way too hard on yourself. Don’t focus on something miniscule like that! Talking with you is great, it doesn’t even matter. I know I’m having a good enough time. Any guy would be lucky to just have you around. Who cares about all that when they have this amazing person with them? I sure wouldn’t.” 

Hearing his kind words were enough make me on the verge of tears. _Never in my life did I think a guy would say that to someone like me. It’s too cruel. Now I want so badly for it to be true. For him to love me despite never being able to touch any farther than our fingertips. For that love to extend beyond a friendship. I think I’ve realized it now. I get jealous because I want that wholesome, pure love that he could give me all to myself. The kind that nobody else could. Him. I want him._

Discovering my feelings, I somehow managed to get myself out of the unpleasant situation for a second time. We finished up the last bit of the lunch and left the restaurant. While standing up to leave, he pointed to the Ferris wheel and told me “I hope you got a good look at it because we are about to go take it for a ride.” The little surprise made me so happy. Since I was a child, I always loved taking them because of the grand view it gave, and the amazing height that you could reach. Being up high was always a comfort for me because when you’re so far into the sky looking down at the earth, in that moment, you feel as if you’ve been disconnected with it. It’s your personal time to let go of everything and be nothing but yourself.

Running at the Ferris wheel like a child that sees cake, Christian laughed at me as he fell a few steps behind.

“Well looks like I made the right choice,” he boasted in satisfaction.

“Yep. You seriously couldn’t have picked anything more perfect. I’ve been wanting to go on this again _forever._ ”

“Well don’t get too excited. It’s not quite sunset yet. Figured we might as well wait a bit for it and make the view even more splendid.”

With big, bright eyes I showed my excitement as I clasped my hands together and jumped up and down. “Oh my gosh you’re so right! Can’t believe I almost got ahead of myself!”

“Aaaaand that right there is exactly why you’re so cute.”

Stopping immediately, I turned my head to the side in embarrassment, avoiding his gaze. _Oh, why me…him calling me cute again and again really isn’t helping…_ “You’re such a jokester all the time Christian! Anyway let’s at least get in line! It’s pretty big. By the time we get there it should be sunset.”

Waiting in the row of people for a while, I found myself to be correct as we stepped into the glass, enclosed cart just as the sun was setting. We were told that the wheel takes you a couple times around, and stops periodically so that you can get a good look at every point. As we approached the very top, it halted for loading just as they said. We both turned to the side to look out at the sun that was setting behind the horizon over the ocean. The sunset was absolutely breathtaking. An array of different shades of orange, red, yellow, and pink were splattered across the sky. The orange in it was so bright and vibrant that it almost appeared to be neon. The colors reflected on the water, turning it a glowing shade of orange and red as well. The entirety of the city was also encased in these colors, changing the shade of everything in it. A ray from the sun created a blinding path of light from the edge of the harbor straight towards it. I imagined walking along that path, each footstep causing a brighter shine as I walked all the way to the end until I was transported into the radiating orb. A fantasy that I had back on that fateful day when I was fifteen and looking out at a similar setting at the end of the dock.

“Waaaaah,” I exclaimed in amazement, pressing my hands against the glass to get a better look. “Have you ever seen anything like that before!?”

“Honestly I haven’t,” Christian replied. “Even though I’ve been living here for so long, this is one of the most spectacular sunsets I have ever seen.” His mouth, too, was gaping open from the spectacle in front of him.

“Even the view from the harbor must be wonderful,” I pointed out while motioning over to the open dock where I was standing eight years ago. “I don’t know why, but I just imagined dancing in that large, empty space with this amazing sunset and glittering water in the background. Dancing together with your partner there would be so romantic. Putting on a gorgeous, flowing dress to match the colors while the other was dressed in a tux. Boy, that would certainly be a one of a kind scene.”

Christian turns his attention from the water over to me. “Well, why don’t you do it then? That sounds like a splendid idea!”

“What? Are you crazy!?” I turn over to look at him as well. “You know that’s not possible for me, I have to be able to touch the other person in order to dance with them!”

“Maybe not this minute, but it will be soon! You’ve already made such quick progress!”

“I don’t know…thinking about being _that_ comfortable with touching seems like it could take years.”

“You know what? Do you want to know the real reason why I talked to you the first time?”

“….Wasn’t it because you wanted to learn more about Haphephobia?”

“Nope. To be honest, that was only a small part of the reason.” The Ferris wheel moved down one spot then stopped again.

“Really? Then why else would you want to talk to me?”

He looks back out into the horizon and smiles. “Because you were the only person who didn’t care about my money and fame. You treated me like I was just any regular student next to you. I could also see the strong determination and passion within you to succeed. Instead of wasting your time flirting with me, you dedicated yourself to learning, and that’s something very admirable for me. Nobody else has ever treated me like that. I just had to find a way to talk to you. I felt it was my one chance at finding someone who would like me only after getting to truly know me, whom just likes me…for who I am. So I had to find out if you were just lying to impress me or being serious. The next day I came to class to do so, but then I saw what happened in the hallway with Jennifer. I thought, ‘I have to help this poor girl’. I know what it’s like to be the center of attention, and it’s not fun. The idea of offering lessons to you came into my mind then and there. Depending on how you reacted to the offer, I would know how you truly felt. After I did, your reaction was perfect. I couldn’t believe you actually rejected me. It was one hundred percent obvious from then on that you really didn’t care about who I was. So I decided, there’s no way I’m letting this person go. I have to get to know her, the girl with the amazing mind who doesn’t care about superficial things. I would never have to question her relationship with me once it was formed. That is, if you even would accept the real me after finding out the kind of person I really am.”

His honest words were enough to take all my attention off of the miraculous scene in front of me. What he said was so much more than that. “Ba-bump. Ba-bump,” my heart pounded hard twice in a row as I lost my breath. _That pure love that I feel he could give me, he thinks…I could also give to him? That’s impossible. And what does he mean by relationship? As a friend? Or—_

“Well don’t just sit there staring at me. Say something!” Christian interrupted my chain of thoughts to pull me out of them, but still, I was too absorbed to say anything. I just stumbled over the first syllable when I tried to spit something out. “I’m feeling so embarrassed right now,” he saved the awkward situation with his confession yet again. “I thought I would never admit that to you, but since you always seem to doubt yourself, I thought I had to tell you to remind you just how much of an amazing and tough girl you are. There’s no doubt in my mind that you’ll be able to recover from your phobia. You’ve gotten through so much already. It will be a piece of cake with the right guidance, since you’re really something special.”  

A beat of my heart was skipped over once more. _There it is again. The word “special.”_

Looking out into the horizon for the last time before the sun escaped below it, I smiled with a single tear falling from my eye. “Thank you. No matter how many times you’ve told me, just like you said I never believed it, but knowing how you’ve felt this whole time, somehow I’m finding myself convinced. You’re a really special person too Christian. Not just in general, but to me as well. I promise I definitely have come to accept the real you. The one who is far greater than the amazing celebrity that everyone sees on the outside. In just a few short days you’ve managed to completely change my life. Who else could accomplish a feat such as that? Not many. How anyone who truly knows you wouldn’t love you, I have no idea.”

The wheel finished its full rotation and arrived back up to the top.

“Anastasia,” he called out my name as we descended from the sky along with the sun.

“Hm?”

“I have something to tell you.”

“What’s that?”

“I…” he looks at me as if he was about to say something important, then closes his mouth slowly and looks back in the other direction. Letting out a regretful breath of air, he retracts his last thought. “Never mind. It’s nothing.” As he spoke the last word he smiled happily into the fading sun despite the sorrowful sound of his voice. A mixed look of peace and regret in his glittering eyes. 

With the drop of the cart, my heart dropped as well. “What? What is it that you wanted to say?”

He looks back at me and says nonchalantly “Nothing important. I’ll tell you sometime later. Right now we have more significant matters to attend to.”

Reaching the ground, we were motioned to exit the cart.  _Wonder what that was all about,_ I pondered to myself as I made my way out of the glass door.

 

Getting off of the Ferris wheel and returning back to the dock, I shyly ask an unexpected question as I trailed behind him, head faced to the ground. “Hey…do you think…” pondering for a second, my face turns back up towards him. “Do you think we could try holding hands?’

Clearing his throat for a minute in surprise, he happily answers “Yeah of course!” Then catching himself, makes his voice really deep and manly “I mean, uh, as long as you think you’ll be okay.”

Grinning at him, I replied “Don’t worry. I know what I can handle.” With that being said, I approached him in a few slow steps. Cautiously reaching my hand out towards his, he held his out too, giving me the chance to grab it first. Steadily lowering my hand down over the top, my heart was racing fast. _My heart rate…it’s different. I don’t think it’s because of being afraid._ Glancing up at him, the wonderful smile, and the way the light continued to shine into the back of his hair, turning each end into an magnificent orange glow— that’s what was making my heart pump like so. This heavenly figure about to join with me.

With our hands coming together for a second time, that caring love was felt once more. The love that I now realized I was craving. I never wanted to see it go. Walking along the boardwalk together, the moment was unreal, like remembering a dream I once had. There was no way this could be happening in the present. But it was. I, Anastasia Steele, the girl with Haphephobia, was walking and physically holding hands with a boy.

 


	13. Chapter 13

After the date, Christian dropped me back off at my house and I placed my rose in a vase and put it carefully on the nightstand next to my bed with a giddy smile. The rest of the night had been spent walking along the boardwalk, skipping rocks over the water, laughing, and holding hands. From there we walked throughout the city, checking out all of the beautiful lights strung among it. I just wanted the excuse to keep walking so that I wouldn’t have to let go of him. I was afraid that if I did, I would never be able to grab his hand again. That wasn’t something I was willing to risk. After strolling about for a while we found ourselves at an arcade open until two in the morning and played video games together, just as he had earlier suggested. The night was so much fun that it went by too fast.

_I want to see him again already, even though it’s only been ten minutes since he dropped me off_ , I thought to myself as I laid in my bed with my clothes still on. Having been too absorbed in the moment of finally getting to walk and hold hands romantically with someone for the first time in my life, I didn’t realize how thrilling it all really was.

My cheeks felt like they were on fire. A rush of energy and restlessness flowed through me. I couldn’t stop rolling around on my bed. _Just what was it that he was about to say at the end of our conversation in the Ferris wheel? For a minute there, I could have almost **sworn** he was about to tell me that he loves me…but that was probably just my overactive, hopeful imagination. _ “Sigh…” _That would have meant that he was actually talking about me the whole time, and that I’m the special person that he hopes will truly love him, which would be impossible of course. But what **if**?_

“Yah-ha-ha,” I giggled to myself out loud and continued to roll around like a tumbleweed as an image of him confessing to me popped into my mind. As my tumbling came to a halt, I laid once again on my back with my hands over my hot cheeks. _His skin though. It was so soft. I could feel it every day if he and I started dating. I wonder if the rest of him is that soft…_

My mind wandered to the uncharted territory. The temperature levels of my body rose even more at the thought of his bare skin that was normally covered up by many layers of clothing. _I would have to feel it if I wanted to know. If we were dancing together I could touch more parts of him. He promised me that he would take me as soon as I recovered from my phobia, but then, I suppose I would only be able to touch his clothing, not the skin. If I wanted to feel what the rest of him is like then I would have to…_

“Gasp!” I picked my pillow up and smashed it into my face so that I could hide inside it. The image itself made me so embarrassed. _If I wasn’t so afraid, I could grab more than just his hand. I would be able to let him get in close to me so that that delicate skin of his would almost be touching mine like it had in class when we first met. Then maybe this time, when our faces turned to each other, he would want press his lips into me knowing that I wouldn’t jump away. Then he’d clench his fingers around my hair, go down my neck with his mouth and…_

The heat on my body centralized into one lower area which was now tingling with many sensations.

“GAH!” I shot up from the bed. “Man I have to go take a shower to get my mind off of this.” Quickly, I jumped off and ran through the hallway to the bathroom door. _Normally I can’t get this far before feeling horrified. But with him, it’s possible. How do normal people get rid of this feeling? A cold shower?_

Hopping under the running water, I had the nob turned closer to the C. The droplets washed over me, cooling down my heated body. _He said he’s never had a girlfriend before. He’s just like me. So that means…wait a minute…that means he’s never had sex before right? Are all of the things we’ve been doing in therapy new to him as well? No, it can’t be. There was that one girl before, they probably did at least **something** before she got scared off. Or what about other patients? What if they needed touch therapy too? Maybe I’m not his first after all.,._

Now getting hotter with jealousy, I had to turn the handle to an even colder temperature. _No. I want him to do more to me than he has to anyone else. Something that no girl has ever had the pleasure of receiving from him. I have to become that one special girl, and be so forever. If I don’t make my move soon, it might end up being too late._ Coming to this understanding, I felt a mass amount of courage in being able to push through my fears, just for him. This notion caused my mind to drift into further and dirtier thoughts. His hands finding their way into my shirt, his kisses down my neck onto the exposed parts of my body, and the sound of his heavy, lustful breath sending pings of pleasure all throughout me. Delving deeper into even more erotic thoughts than that, I felt dizzy from the immense heat rising inside of me. Falling back into the wall and sliding down to the floor of the shower, I began touching my skin all over, imagining that it was him. Bringing my knees up to my stomach in a cradle position, I hugged myself tight and exasperatedly breathed out “I need him. I need him so badly. Please. I want him to heal me. His touch, only it can do that. I can’t get rid of this feeling on my own.”

Realizing that my calls would do nothing, I squeezed my arms around my body tighter and sorrowfully drooped my head down into my thighs. “Please,” I begged whatever force could hear me. “I need him here right now. Come back. Tell him to come back for me.”

The temperature of my body rose so high that it brought tears to my eyes. They mixed with the water droplets falling from the shower head. My plea not being answered, I decided to take matters into my own hands the only way that I could. My hands began to move in the way I was envisioning the scene, hoping that they could act as a replacement for the ones that I needed the most. Bringing them to my stomach, I slowly and gently moved them up towards my chest as I pictured his face. An expression unseen to most showing on it. Shivering from the imagination of the tender, warm, and milky smooth hands coming into contact with me, I breathed in shortly. Getting to the edge of my breasts, they slowed to a stop. The tears poured out even harder. Feeling like I was going to explode, I quickly grabbed them tight, and a wave of pleasure came over me. “Aah—” I called out as my head shot up from the unfamiliar but wonderful impact.

_I can’t believe it. The thought of him touching me doesn’t scare me so much anymore. I can actually get this far without panicking. Is this what people actually normally do to relieve themselves? The feeling. It’s so good. Certainly much better than a cold, displeasing shower._

_Maybe. Just maybe, I really will be able to dance on the harbor with him someday. As well as feel his real hands on me rather than only mine._

In the morning I woke up for school to the sound of my alarm. As I drove to school, butterflies filled my stomach from the anticipation of getting to see Christian again in class today. _It’s going to be completely different. Before we were sitting next to each other as acquaintances, but today it feels as if it will be as something more._

Getting so nervous about it, I almost ran through a red light. A couple cars honked their horns at me and I resisted the urge to stick my middle finger out and flip them off.

After I arrived to the university parking garage, I entered the building and walked through the hallway. Oddly enough I noticed some people staring at me as I passed by. Soon it became more than a few. Pretty much every other person was stopping to stare at me and whisper to the others next to them.

_What the heck is going on?_ I asked myself in confusion as I continued to glance around. _Has the news about us finally spread?_

Making my way forward, I could slightly make out some of what people were saying.

“That’s the girl,” one woman whispered to her friend.

“I think you’re right. The one……Christian...,” the friend replied. I couldn’t hear the parts that had to do with Christian because they were mumbling too quietly amongst themselves. 

_What about Christian? …Oh my god. What do they know!?_ Turning my head backwards to glance at them after I walked by, they immediately looked away and ran off in the other direction as soon as they noticed. From the other side of me I could hear a group of people talking about me as well. However, they weren’t quite as inconspicuous about their conversation as the other two had been.

“She’s the one that had that panic attack in the hallway I hear,” the guy in the green shirt said to the others.

“Yeah I wonder what that was all about,” another girl with long black hair asked.

“Beats me. Apparently Christian came to her rescue though. How lucky can you get,” the brunette in the group stated.

“Seriously!?” the black haired girl spoke again. “I wonder if something is going on between those two. Seems a little suspicious if you ask me.”

As I got farther away from them I could no longer hear their conversation. However, I pretty much already heard what I needed to. _Shit…I knew it. I knew that would spread to the whole school. It took a little longer to go around than I expected, but go around it sure did. Looks like I’ve managed to make myself the school freak **once again**. _

Disheartened, I kept the thought of soon being able to see Christian on my mind so that it couldn’t get to me. _No need to lose all hope just yet. I’ll be graduating soon and cured from my phobia in the meantime. Then I’ll never have to deal with this crap again. I won’t be like that girl and leave him because of the bullying either. Although I can understand how she felt having it start to happen to me now, for me, the happiness that he has been bringing to my life is definitely worth the mishaps. I’ve seen worse days. Nothing I’m not used to._

Pushing myself through all of the stares and comments, I flew through the classroom door as soon as I made it to the end and dropped into my usual spot with a giant exhale of relief. Unexpectedly, only a minute after I arrived, Christian entered into the room as well.

“Christian?” I perked my head up and asked in disbelief. “What are you doing here so early?” 

He walked over and bent down towards me with his hands in his pockets. “Well I knew that you would be arriving early, and I just couldn’t wait to see you,” he whispered softly into my ear with a deep and husky voice. The closeness of his mouth to my body and the feeling of his hot breath against the inside of my ear sent a pleasurable shiver down my spine— the sound so sexy and tantalizing.

The warmth collecting in my cheeks, I quickly inhaled a deep breath, then steadily let it out in reaction.

_What the..? Something as small as that affected me so much? If that’s how a simple thing like that feels…I wonder what something even more intense would be like._ My body became heated once again at the thought, and my lids felt heavy from the dizzying sensation. _I can’t believe I’ve been missing out on this my whole life._

He gave a giant, toothy grin gorgeous enough to send you straight into a comma as he stood back up and plopped down into his chair in satisfaction. It seemed that he had noticed how he had affected me, almost as if he had intended for it to be so sensual and to do so.

Suddenly, another surprising person walked through the door oddly early, followed by another. It was Jennifer and Lindsey. _What is going on today?_ I wondered as I watched them come in. _Why is everyone arriving at my usual time!?_

The two of them seemed startled as they noticed Christian already sitting right next to me. Passing a shocked glance at each other, they scurried over to the seat behind me and began whispering amongst themselves. _What’s with their suspicious behavior every single day? They’re always surprised at something._

Moving on from my concerns about the two of them, it was about time I finally returned Christians feelings. I turned over to speak to him, but right as I did, Jennifer calls out “Hey Anastasia!”

“Huh?” I turn back towards her, caught off guard. Christian also turned his head in surprise.

“So about going out for dinner,” she bats her eyelashes in an oddly friendly way. “How about tonight? Since you were too busy last time.”

“Oh, sorry, it’s a bit last minute,” I hesitantly rejected the offer. “Unfortunately I’ve already made plans.”

“Then how about tomorrow?” She instantly asked again before I could say anything else. The way she had done it made her seem so desperate to go out with me. _But why?_

“Ah, this is a little awkward, I’m not trying to avoid you or anything,” _Pfft. Yeah right._ “But I actually also have plans tomorrow as well. Maybe some other time.”

“Alright then busy girl,” she takes out her phone, attempting to hide how peeved she is. “Then how about you give me your number, and I’ll text you to see what your next free day is. I would really love it if we could grab dinner sometime and get to know each other.”

I looked down at her extended arm that was seeming to eagerly await my compliance with her request as she pushed her phone at me. _The hell? Why does she want it so badly? What could she possibly be up to? There’s no way I’m going to give it to her now._

“Oh silly me,” I laughed it off. “I was in such a rush that I left my phone at home this morning and sadly I don’t have my number memorized because I got a new one recently. So I’ll have to give it to you later.”

Secretly, I laid my hand over the open pocket on my backpack where my phone was kept to conceal it.

Gritting her teeth under her smile, she tucked her smartphone back into her pocket while saying “Okay then. How unfortunate.” Flicking her wrist, she shrugged it off “In that case, just don’t forget to get it to me tomorrow!”

“Yeah! Sure thing,” I said happily to her as I turned back around before letting out my true feelings in my mind. _Crap! What am I supposed to do now!? I’m going to run out of excuses sooner or later! Gosh damnit, gosh damnit!_

Now facing towards the front, I could see Christian peering over at me with a concerned look on his face. Trying to jump back into our earlier conversation, but with obvious constraints, I started off with “Anyway—”

“Oh my gosh Anastasia,” Lindsey interrupted in a rushed manner. 

Startled once again, I turned around. “Uh, yes?”

_What the hell was with that now? Are they **trying** to prevent me from talking to Christian? Is **that** what this is about? _

“Oh…ah, um...I just realized that I didn’t get the notes from last class, and I know what a great student you are, so I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind sharing your notebook with me?”

“Uh…I guess so,” I hesitantly lifted my psychology notebook out from my backpack, handing it over to her. “My handwriting is bad, but if you can manage to read it then go ahead and copy it down.”

“Thanks! You’re such a great help!” she exclaims as she proceeds to skim through it, but ends up looking at the notes from the wrong class.

_Yeah there was no way she actually needed to get them. Something is definitely up. I wonder what will happen if I try to talk to him again._

Testing my suspicions, I attempt to go on with what I was saying once more. Full attention directed at Christian, I firmly state “ _Anyway_ , as I was—”

“Hey Anastasia! I don’t get this part. Can you help me?” Lindsey butts in again.

With a wide, sarcastic smile I reply “Surrrrre,” and look over at the page she was on. _Yep. Still the notes from the wrong semester. Not even the same topic. Don’t know what she thinks notes on child development have to do with human sexuality— unless she’s assuming our last discussion was on pedophilia. “_ Oh, it probably doesn’t make much sense to you because those are actually notes from a different course last semester. Here,” I turn the page over to the current date. “This is what you’re looking for.”

“Oh, ha-ha,” she awkwardly laughs in embarrassment, sweat starting to accumulate on her forehead. “That explains why I was confused. I’ll start copying these down.”

“Yeah, just hand it back to me when you’re done.” My sassy and sarcastic mind dreamed of telling her off, but resisted. _This just proves that stereotypes really aren’t true. Apparently it’s not just blondes that are dumb, but people in general! Who would of thought!?_

The classroom had started to fill up by this point, and it was apparent that not much time was left before class would begin. Hurriedly, I made my last attempt to speak with Christian who was waiting there patiently, watching us from the corner of his eye. “ **Anyway** ,” I stressed even more.

“Wait Anna! I don’t understand these notes either! Are you sure they are the right ones this time?” One could only guess who had asked this question.

About to lose my temper, I took in a huge breath of air, but before getting to lash out, Christian chimed in with his usual soft tone.

“I believe she has something to tell me, so why don’t you leave her be for a moment and try to figure it out for yourselves first? I know Anastasia is a really smart girl, but I’m sure you have a great mind of your own as well.”

That shut her up instantly. She didn’t even have time to respond amongst her astonishment, obviously not having expected Christian to bring himself into it. Coming down from his soft spoken nature, he firmly looks at the both of them and says with a hidden undertone “Hope we haven’t forgotten what we talked about the other day ladies,” as his shoulders moved forward, leaving his head behind so that he could finish up telling them what he wanted them to know, but also suggesting that he didn’t want to have anything more to do with the conversation.

Turning over to me now, he speaks once again. “You were saying Ms. Steele?”

I blinked a couple times in surprise. _When did he learn my last name? Oh…right, it was obviously from the papers I filled out for the office visit, duh. Wait, why am I focusing on that? He just told Jennifer and Lindsey off. They’re not going to be too happy about that, and I’m not going to be too happy that they’re not too happy about that._

It was apparent that I was correct because both of them looked like they were shaking with a mix of despair and rage.

“Oh, um, I was just saying that I, uh…” Not knowing what to talk about anymore since the two of them would now overhear our conversation, I knew that I had to make up something less personal on the spot. “I was just going to say that I changed a few lines on our presentation. Looking over them last night I realized parts of it were incorrect. You may want to look over it before we have to present it.”

Speaking in a way as if we were unfamiliar with each other he responds back “Is that so? Thank you for informing me. I’ll have a look at it if you pass it over to me.”

“Sure thing. Just as soon as I get my notebook back,” I flash Lindsey a look.

Picking up on my hint, she hands the book back to me while trying her hardest to sound polite. “Right. Sorry for keeping your notebook from you. Wouldn’t want to ruin your and Christian’s presentation.” Taking her eyes off of me and resting them a little too flirtatiously on Christian she adds “I know how important your grades are to you after all.”

Grabbing it off of her hands instead, he doesn’t give his thanks back, but rather responds coldly with “Our grades are important to the _both_ of us,” then places it onto his desk and starts looking through it without another word.

_R.I.P me._

Scrunching up her nose, she shoots me a quick look full of attitude which I managed to see from the corner of my eye. Jennifer’s mouth was gaping open like a fly trap. _He’s done did it now. That made us seem way too well acquainted with each other. Though with how shitty he’s been treating them, I have no idea why they are still interested in him anyway. Obviously there’s no chance for them left. Idiots. Besides, as soon as they find out that he’s not quite as rich as they think he is they probably won’t even like him anymore anyway. Or at least, not as much._

The professor finally walks through the door and silences the room. He had the perfect timing. Now I didn’t have to deal with their backlash or annoying interruptions anymore. It was time for our presentations to commence. He started from the back row to mix things up by getting the biggest slackers to awaken. Two by two everyone did their presentations, and Jennifer and Lindsey’s were without a doubt the most terrible. Many incorrect and ignorant facts were spewed by Jennifer while Lindsey stood there awkwardly not knowing what to do. The professor just shook his head at them and sighed into his grading sheet. Finally it was our turn as we were almost the last to present. “Save the best for last” must be this professor’s motto considering the great reaction we got from the professor. “Marvelous, marvelous,” he kept saying while clapping after we were done. “You two have made a fantastic case. You make perfect partners.”

The professor’s statement made me go red. _Perfect partners? Why does that seem to have such high implications considering we are talking about sex…_

Not wanting to deal with bitch one and bitch two after that review from the professor, I excused myself from class early to escape them while the final presenters were up. Christian watched me walk out, seeming to wonder why I was leaving.

 

Making it home without running into the two idiots, I cried in frustration about what I was going to do about them tomorrow. _God! It’s annoying enough that I had to deal with people’s stares and gossip all over the hallways all day, and then those two had to come along and make it worse again! There’s no way I can continue to keep getting out of going to dinner with them. Why are they so damn persistent anyway!?_

Throwing my hands up into the air, feeling so done with my life, my worries about them were washed away by an incoming text from Christian. Seeing his name light up on my phone screen was enough to make me forget about anything that was going on. Opening it up, it read:

Hey! Just went on my break! Just reminding you to not forget about our appointment at 5:00 today! ;) I have a feeling that this is going to be an important one.

“Oh my god!” I yelled out into the void space that is my apartment. “I was so distracted that I totally forgot about the therapy session!” Scurrying as fast as I could over to my closet to find something extra special to put on, I scanned through the tiny space with a pathetically lacking selection of clothing and thought to myself, _Hm. What’s the most seductive outfit I have in here?_ Continuing to sort through the clothes, I found a tight black dress with a low dip to show ones cleavage. _No that’s way too obvious as well as overdressed for a simple therapy session. What else do I have…_

This time I pulled out a tight, dark red turtle neck sweater. _Yes. This is perfect. It covers all of your skin for an elegant look while also appearing sensual because of the way it hugs and accentuates your chest. Now how about the bottom piece…_

Sifting through a few skirts, I found a cutesy floral one. _Not sexy enough._ Then a tight black one with a slit that had a band through the opening on the left side. _Absolutely perfect. However, too obvious yet again. I need to be sexy without looking like I’m trying to. Plus it’s so damn cold today. Not worth. Maybe some simple, dark skinny jeans will do?_

Finally, I pulled out said sleek high rise jeans, and began to change into the two articles of clothing that took ages for me to pick out. Having fit myself into the ultra-tight but still classy look, it still didn’t seem complete. _How does one do a sexy makeup look…_ I pondered while pacing back and forth in my room with my arms crossed. “Time to consult the one who knows all!” I shouted in an announcer’s voice. Pointing towards my phone laying on my bed, I exclaim in a deep manly way “YouTube!!” and jumped at it like cat catching its prey.

 I search up makeup tutorials for date night. Bringing the phone to the bathroom, I place it in front of me and try to follow along with a video of a gorgeous woman with makeup skills a million and one times greater than I could ever imagine having.  _How do people do this shit!?_ I grumble to myself, looking at the mess on my face that appeared nothing like the one in the video. _It’s all because I don’t have the same materials as her. That’s why it doesn’t look the same. It has nothing to do with my lack of ability…right?_ Throwing the eye shadow brush down onto the counter in frustration, I take a makeup removing wipe from the box on my counter and try again.

This time I went for something a little simpler. Some black eyeliner and light brown shadow for a dark and mature look, and dark red lipstick to match with my sweater to top it all off. _Perfect!_ I happily grin at myself in the mirror in satisfaction. _Now to do something with this crummy hair._ Picking up my hair straighter, I battle with it for thirty minutes in failed attempts to curl the ends. “Alright I’ve had enough of this!” I yell out from exhaustion, placing the hot iron back onto the counter, turning it off. Examining myself in the mirror, the look actually turned out pretty okay. Twirling around and checking everything from different angles and poses, I actually felt relatively content with the results. The jeans formed perfectly to my legs, and the contrast of the tight shirt around my thin waist to bulge of my proportionally large bum really showed off all of these features. “I think I’m hot enough now!” I stormed out of the bathroom to flop down head first onto my bed to take a rest before going on my way. _The things we women have to go through just to look good…_

The words “Grey Psychological Services” appeared before me once again as I approached the office. A few people were leaving through the door as I walked up to it. Stares met my eyes as I was shaking to the degree of visibility from the tension. I wasn’t the only one all dressed up for the session it seemed. The majority of people leaving were women, and some were dressed scantily clad with cleavage bulging out from double push up bras, tight miniskirts, and faces done up far flashier than mine.

_Man he wasn’t joking when he said a lot of people just came for him,_ I shook my head as I pushed through the door. _Maybe I really could have worn that skirt, or even that dress and it would have actually seemed normal. It’s just come to my attention that I have to compete with all of these hot women coming in and out all day._ Jealousy was immensely overtaking me thinking about Christian being in a session helping these women as they shook their giant breasts at him, seducing and trying to coerce him into sex. Thoughts of him doing exposure therapy with these ladies consumed me. I imagined him telling them about his personal backstory and getting close with them as well, then getting turned on by their revealing clothing barely able to keep up his professional composure and carry on with the session. _I’m nothing compared to them with my modest clothing and average body. How is it that not a single person was able to get to him so far? Has he used the same lines and techniques that he has on me with other people? Maybe he’s just been fooling around with his clients and only meant that he’s never been in a real relationship before…_

Now shaking from sadness rather than nervousness, I sat down on the same chair as before in the waiting room. Angrily groveling to myself, I kicked the air with my foot, arms crossed. _Who needs overly revealing clothes anyway! There’s more to sex appeal than just skin! I ain’t no ho! I’m a classy ass bitch! A warm one at that! They can have fun freezing to death! Ha!_

While trying to make myself feel better by also making myself feel worse for putting everyone else down, the stunning receptionist with the long black hair from the last visit recognized me. “Oh Anastasia,” she greets me. “You must be here for another after hour appointment with Mr. Grey.”

Unfolding my arms and peacefully setting them on my lap, I tell her in a very calm manner “Yes, I am.”

“Wonderful. He should be finishing up in just a moment here. I’ll be taking my leave now,” she picks up her bag, “But I hope the treatment goes well.” Bowing to me, she passes by and heads out.

_Poor girl,_ I speculate as she takes her leave. _Seeing all of these women go in and out every day must be hard on her as well, and I’m not making it any easier. At least she has the decency to treat me politely still unlike Jennifer and company. “_ Sigh.” _Thinking about it I’m no better than everyone else. Trying to dress up all nice to reel in Christian. He’s probably tired of this. I should behave more seriously._

Almost as if he heard his name in my thoughts, Christian popped up from behind the other door. “Anastasia!” he gleefully calls out my name. “Nice to see you made it. I was worried you didn’t get my text when you didn’t respond.”

“Oh I’m terribly sorry,” I get up and apologize. “I was so busy doing my…homework that I forgot to send you one.” Crossing my fingers behind my back, I was hoping that he hadn’t noticed the awkward pause while I thought of an excuse for what else I could have been doing.

“No worries. I’m just glad to see that you made it. Right this way.” 

It was unusual how he always behaved so professional in front of me when we were in his office. We hardly seemed familiar with each other outside of this engagement as long as we still remained in the building. _It must be an act of habit, or he’s just trying really hard to keep the matters between client and friend separate._

As I entered the room, he informed me that it would be a few minutes before he would be ready, so he handed over a cup of tea and told me to get comfy for a bit. As he left the room, I sank into the couch and scrolled through my phone while sipping on the delightful, hot drink. It was then that I became curious about his so called massive social media following after witnessing a bit of his popularity just now. _I wonder how famous he really is on the internet,_ I asked myself as I opened up Instagram for the first time in years. My profile contained no pictures on it, and I only had about thirty followers. Social media was never really my thing.

As I clicked on the home screen to search up his name, already I saw a picture of him pop up even before trying to find one. It was a photo of him and his coworkers posing in a group. Curious, I clicked on the picture and it brought me to an account called “Therapist.Christian” which had six million followers and hundreds of photos related to him posted. Astounded, I scrolled through the page, checking them all out. It seemed that someone made an account for him as he obviously never would have made one himself, considering how much he hated the attention. Many pictures collected from news sites and clients who had taken secret photos of him during therapy sessions were contained in the account. It was then that I recalled the “No photos” sign outside of the door. Clearly most people don’t know how to read.

_Wow…_ my eyes bulged out at the finding. _I can’t believe I’m finding this shocking after seeing everyone’s reactions to him in the university. Everything that he tried to communicate to me about the clinics popularity before makes sense now. He really is a psychiatric celebrity._

Trying not to be swayed by the gorgeous photos of him in his professional outfits, I was also feeling creeped out for him by all of the stalker photos. Having seen enough, I flipped over to google to search up what people were saying about him. Articles about his clinic, and being the next “hot doctor” were there of course, but I also found news reports on his college life and academic success, as well as pictures of him as a child on variety shows and such. A few things stuck out to me that made my stomach churn. First, I came across a picture of us in the hallway right after he helped me up from falling because of Jennifer, which also linked to an article questioning who I was. _Damn. Now **I’m** becoming a celebrity too… _

Second, there were pictures of an older man with the same last name as him, undoubtedly his father. The two hardly resembled each other. Something about the look of him gave off a cocky impression as he was always dressed in high dollar suits. His expression appeared evil, perfectly matching the description Christian gave of him in his story, as he had an eerie smile and eyebrows like some sort of master villain. Their physical appearance was like polar opposites. It was hard to believe the two were even related. The photos of the two of them together seemed so awkward and staged. There was always an uncomfortable space between them and Christian’s smile looked fake and nothing like the drop dead gorgeous one I see every day. How anybody still believed they were a happy family I had no idea. I could tell so easily that his father was making Christian appear in these many “family” photos with him against his will. A link to his father’s Instagram came up, and I hesitantly clicked on it.

He had even more followers than the fake Christian account, as this one seemed to be real. Thirty million to be exact. No more than a fraction of his money, for he showed it off very plainly on his account. Seemed to me like his dad wanted to be the next Kardashian. Displaying and boasting about his life of luxury and successful son. Though, there was certainly a considerably larger amount of photos of him and his possessions than there were of his son— strange for any normal parent. Nothing about Christian’s daily life either. Just the clinic and forced shots of him. I was amazed by the loads of photos of the mansion that they lived in. So huge and glamorous. _So this is where he lives,_ I brought my face in closer to the screen to investigate. Right as I zoomed in on a photo of his father in the mansion, Christian came through the door.

“Sorry for the wait. It was a busy day today.”

His voice startled me so much that I panicked and dropped my phone. Quickly, I retrieved it before he could see what I was looking at. “Oh that’s alright. I was just doing some research for class anyway,” I say nervously as I hide my phone back into my purse. “What’s with the lab coat?” Once I got myself together, I came to notice the odd attire he had on. He was wearing the typical white coat that you would see most medical professionals wearing— not usually typical for a therapist.

“I have some medical research I am partaking in after our session today. I didn’t want to forget to change so I put it on now.”

“Oh,” I blush. “It suits you really well.”

“I could say the same for you,” he scans my body up and down. “You look remarkably lovely today. Red is definitely your color.”

**_Remarkably_** _lovely?_ I choked on my own spit for a second after watching the way that he was eyeing me. _He can still say that even after viewing what all those other women were wearing!?_ “Ah-hem,” I clear my throat. “Thank you. I try.” This time I wanted to attempt the cocky attitude a bit. I had hoped it wasn’t something that he commonly said to his clients.

The two of us sat down in our respective spots after a game of who can stare at the others figure the most. Commencing with therapy, he starts off by asking “So how have you been since the last time? Any significant changes in your ability to touch?”

Getting a bit baffled by his question, I respond with a laugh. “Of course. You know that. You’ve been with me every day and seen my improvement for yourself!” 

Smiling back at me he counters with “You’re right. I do. But I still have to ask for your opinion on the matter every session as your therapist. It’s my job. So,” he holds his closed fist up to his mouth and clears his throat as well. “How much do you personally feel you have improved since the last time and what are your expectations of improvement with this session?”

“Well,” I think on it for a moment. “I’d say that I had vast improvement since the last time, especially considering it’s only been a couple days.”

“Vast improvement you say? How so?”

“I’ve shaken a strangers hand without showing much discomfort, and I even held hands with a good friend of mine for an entire night.”

The indirect mentioning of him makes him snort. “Wow. That friend of yours must feel really special to have received such an opportunity. How lucky they are.”

“I sure hope so,” I nod my head and smile.

“Well let’s just say I have a way of knowing that they are,” he pauses to look caringly into my eyes for a moment. “So are you satisfied with the way that things have been going, or do you think that they could have gone better?”

“I’m definitely satisfied…and that’s the problem. I think my expectations have become a little too high. I’m anticipating the same amount of results from today, if not more, and I’m just not sure if that’s a realistic vision or not.”  

“I most certainly think it could be possible. You’ve already proven yourself to be one amazing and stupendously quick achiever,” he finishes writing down something into his notebook. “On that statement, I’m thinking that it would be a good idea to try and push the limits a bit farther today. With your level, I think even more rapid advancement could be doable.”

Gulping furiously from what that could possibly mean, I decide to ask “So what is considered as a _bit_ farther?”

“ _Well_ ,” he dramatically pauses for a minute and stands up from his chair. Winking at me he answers “You’ll just have to wait and find out.”

“Ba-bump,” my heart beat tremendously fast as all of the blood drained from my face.


	14. Chapter 14

_Oh god, I wanted this so bad, and yet, now I don’t want this so bad._

As I internally panicked, he walked over and kneeled down in front of me again. That familiar sexy pose really wasn’t making the decision any easier. “Give me your hand,” he softly requests.

Slightly hesitant, I do as he says and extend out my arm. He then gently places his hand on top of mine, and holds it tight. Smiling, he firmly tells me “If at any point you get too scared just let me know.”

Giving a single but giant nod of my head, I signaled him to go forth. Having received the okay, he takes his left hand and replaces it with his right, using the right one to slide up my wrist while the left continues to caringly lock fingers with me. I wince slightly as he grabs hold of my wrist. _And so the journey to the uncharted areas commences._

Not wanting to move things too fast, he kept his hand in place, making sure to get me used to him being there before moving on. Feeling too embarrassed to look at him, I gazed off to the side while he concentrated on his movement, only occasionally glancing up at my face to catch my reaction. Slowly, his hand began to continue upward, sliding up my forearm. My body started to tremble, and he halted his movement.

“Doing alright?” he inquires.

“Not really,” I tell him honestly. “I don’t like this continuous movement.”

“Okay, then I’ll try something else.” As he says that, he stands up and sits next to me. Reaching out his hand, he asks “How’s this,” then places it on top of my shoulder.

The surface area is large and warm, and my frame being very small and petite, it envelopes my entire shoulder. The feeling of being overtaken frightens me. Instantly, I shove him off and scream “NO! Get off of me!!” 

Retracting his hand just as quick as I could push it off, he bows his head in apology. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have just suddenly grabbed you like that without any warning. It was a terrible call on my part.”

“No it’s fine,” I say in a low but also apologetic voice as I lean away and grab the part of my shoulder that he was just touching. “But I think you’re right. Maybe a bit slower and more predictable next time.” The way I asked him was more like a plea rather than a suggestion.

“Gotcha. You’ve just been doing so well, it’s easy to forget the severity of things sometimes. But here’s a better idea anyway, how about you try touching everywhere on my body first instead? Checking back on my notes, you did list that as easier to do than the latter, so I suppose we should cover every track of my body before moving onto yours.”

“ _Every_ track!?” My face was mortified.

He burst out into laughter. “No silly, I don’t mean that so literally. Just every basic part that we commonly work on in therapy. I’m really starting to get the idea now that you haven’t accepted the fact that I’m not a player.” 

“Oh…” I flush from embarrassment. “I’m sorry I just misunderstood…”

“Nah, that’s okay. It happens. Don’t feel ashamed. I could have phrased it better.”

Sitting silently with my head down and no response, he senses the awkward tension and moves to relax me a little. 

 “Well then, let’s begin,” he shuffles in his seat and I look up at him to see what he would do next. Comically, he throws his body out like Rose standing in the wind on the Titanic and demands “Lay it on me!”

“Uuuum…” I looked at him questioningly with an eyebrow raised. “Weren’t you the one who just said you are a professional? What’s with this unserious behavior?” Chuckling at his antics, I couldn’t help but wonder to myself if he really is as old and experienced as he claims to be.

“You’re right,” he clears his throat for a dramatic effect and shimmies back into a normal, sitting up straight position. “Time to get serious. Why don’t you start by touching my forearm as well then move up to my shoulders?”

My accusation didn’t even seem to faze him. It was clear that he was trying to joke around to lighten the mood after frightening me so that I could calm down a bit. Even though my tone was doubtful, I actually really appreciated him, for it was true— he really did snap me out of it and make me feel better. It set the stage for having the sticky situation of being required to touch his body be a little less tense and uncomfortable. This man never failed to make me smile for so many reasons.

As I was preparing myself, a jingle came from my phone from the inside of my purse. We both stare at the source of the intrusive sound. _Crap, I forgot to put it on silent. This is exactly what the commercials always warn us about!_ “Sorry about that,” I apologize to him as I shyly reach for my cell. “I’ll turn it off so that it won’t happen again.”

“No it’s fine. It happens all the time,” he reassures me as I hit the home button to check who it was from. A text from José appeared on the lock screen. Since my notifications were not turned off, the message could be read without opening it up. He wrote:

Hey girl! <3 How’s it been going!? Been a little while since I last saw you, so I thought we could meet up for lunch again sometime this week! There’s so many places to go and things that I want to eat with you now that the doors have opened up! Let me know when you’re free! :) I’m also in need of some juicy updates ;)

As I read it, I noticed that I wasn’t the only one. Christian had been peeping over the top of it as well, and didn’t seem too happy about what he saw. I was mortified as I glanced up at his slightly perturbed face. _Oh my god why did José have to text me right this moment!? Why not say, like, in an hour!?_

“José…” he reads the name suspiciously out loud from my phone. “Seems like he’s really close to you.” 

 _Is it just my imagination running wild again or does he seem…jealous?_ “Um, well he’s a childhood friend of mine, so you could say we are pretty close.”

“Hm,” is all he voices in reaction while still looking over at my phone. Taking note of that, I quickly turn it to silent mode and put it back into my pocket. Suddenly his mood changes in a flash. “Well I’m delighted to hear that you’re spending some time with people outside of school,” he says with an excited tone, but somehow, it seemed a little off. “I know how you voiced to me earlier that you had troubles with making friends, so that’s really nice to know. We actually recommend spending some quality time with those close to you when going through something rough because it helps to get your mind off of things.”

“Oh. Oh yeah. Good thing he texted me then,” my voice was laden with disappointment, though I tried to make it sound chipper.  _Guess he isn’t jealous…I mean he just recommended me to go hang out with José…soooooo…_

“Anyway, enough of that. Let’s get back to business. As I said earlier, try starting with the forearm,” he offers up his arm to me once again. As he rolls up his sleeve, the bare skin of his lower arm was revealed. 

“Okay,” I say a tad bit nervously, forgetting the events that just happened after his enticingly fine arm was presented to me. As I reach for his wrist, I announce “Here goes nothing,” in a comedic attempt to lighten the embarrassment of the situation. My vision zeros in on the area. His milky white skin looks so smooth, and the desire to touch it surprisingly overtakes me. Feeling shameful, I close my eyes to hide my true feelings. Quickly, I jump forward to grab it, hoping that I actually landed on his wrist since my vision was dark. Falling farther forward than I had anticipated through my depth perception, I opened my eyes in shock to see what I had landed on. Vision returning, I was mortified to realize what I had accidentally taken hold of instead.

As I fully opened my eyes, I came face to face with a shocked Christian who was wide eyed and frozen, not knowing what to do. Looking down at the spot where my hand was, I saw that it was perfectly and horrifically cupped around his manhood, which was to my ultimate surprise, large and partially erect— at least, that’s what I assumed since I never actually had touched either an erect or non-erect penis before. 

Not knowing whether I was afraid or just plain horrified and embarrassed, I screamed and retracted my hand from him so hard that I flung backwards and fell off of the couch.

“Oh my g-gosh are you alright!?” he stutters as he gets up and offers a hand out to me.

Too embarrassed to even look at him, I ignored his hand and swiftly pushed myself off the ground and back onto the couch in a panic. “Yes, I’m fine. I’m so, so sorry that was just an accident I swear. I only meant to grab your wrist but missed and fell. I have no idea how that happened.”

Suddenly, he bursts out into laughter. “Jeeze Anastasia,” he wipes a few tears from his eyes. “Didn’t I just say that when I said ‘every part of my body’ I didn’t actually mean it!?”

Turning beet red, I placed my hand on my forehead and looked down in shame. “Noooooo I didn’t mean it like that! I totally understood what you said! It was completely an accident!! I seriously mean it!”

Laughing so hard that it was bringing tears to his eyes, he says “Don’t worry, I know. It was just too funny I couldn’t help but to make fun of you. I’m sorry.”

Scrunching up my nose at him, I cross my arms and pout. “Hmph. Well _I’m_ not finding this to be so funny.” 

His laughter still not ceasing, I tried to hold my position and not let my guard down, but thinking about everything that had just occurred, I couldn’t help but to begin to laugh with him as well. As we sat and cracked up together, I realized that I was so embarrassed and upset that touching such a difficult area for me hadn’t even brought me anxiety. His jokes and everything were a total distraction.

“Anyway, it’s totally fine, mistakes happen. Let’s just forget about it and proceed with the session.”

“Oh okay,” I say, still a tad bit embarrassed. “I’ll try that again and be sure to be more careful this time.”

Making sure to keep my eyes w _ide_ open this this time, he nods his head and sticks his arm out once more. Finding touching him to be even more difficult and even more of a turn on now than it had before, I struggled hard to keep a straight face. Still, I grabbed it as fast as I could to prevent my overthinking. Once I finally got ahold of the area, it felt as soft as it had looked, and my hand started to suck the warmth of his body into it.

 _This feeling is nice,_ I thought, though, I found myself wanting more. Flashbacks of my previous desire to feel the skin all over his body came to me. Memories of me in the shower. _I wonder if it feels this warm all the way up,_ I questioned as my hand started to move in the direction of his elbow. My eyes closed again, knowing that this time my hand was being guided carefully. 

Oddly enough I discovered that closing my eyes helped to disconnect me from the fears of what I was touching. Sliding along his forearm, and over the curve of his elbow, my fingers kept absorbing his heat as I did. Like a leech I seemed to take the warmth from him as my body temperature started to give rise as well. Making it over the curve, I was met with an even larger bump— the toned muscle of his upper arm. _This is familiar,_ my cheeks went red again. _I wonder why he was “up” like that by the way, I was too nervous to ask…_ Hitting the folds of his rolled up sleeve, I opened up my eyes, and he was staring right at me, intensely. 

“Ah,” I pulled my hand back right away.

“No. No. Continue. You were doing well. Don’t worry,” he tries to reassure me, but the way he spoke seemed slightly off again somehow.

“Oh, uh. Okay,” I stutter, feeling a drop of sweat start to form on the back of my neck. I take hold of the portion where his sleeve started, feeling relieved because it made the contact a little easier to bear since it wasn’t in direct line with a human, but also disappointed at the same time. _The feel of his skin was so nice. With these clothes in the way, I’ll never get to know if his whole body feels like that. What if…the inside is…even softer?_ Getting more heated up, I continued with my hand along his upper arm, over the folds of his coat, and the curvature of his well-formed muscles. _His arms feel even stronger than they looked that day at the archery club. Pulling that bow must have been so easy for him. Makes me wonder what else he could do…what else he could pull…_ Thinking deeply, I got so lost into my imagination that my hand tightened its grip over him slightly, and I could feel him flex in response. _Fear of being stricken should be overtaking me, but instead, I want to forget about what my stepfather did and have faith that others won’t use this kind of power against me like he did. I’m older and physically stronger, and I’ve seen how kind of a person Christian truly is. It’s hard to believe he would do that. I no longer want my stepfather to keep controlling my mind, my life, and taking these wonderful experiences away from me. I want to find out what kind of wonderful experiences power can also bring instead._

Looking up to his face to catch what he was thinking, I could see a ball roll down his throat as he swallowed, his very defined Adams apple moving up and down. A confident stare almost seeming to tell me not to stop drove into the depths of my soul. Reaching the top of his shoulder blade, I slid ever so slowly down to the upper part of his chest.

“Why don’t you try doing the same thing with your other hand on my right side now,” he offered in a low and seductive voice. Timidly, I nod my head and lift my right hand from his left shoulder, but as I did, he demanded “No. Leave that one there.”

Taking in a deep breath, I glanced up at him quickly then averted my eyes down as I did what he said by repeating my earlier actions, but on the opposite side, making sure to keep my right hand in place as he wished. He watched me attentively, which only made me more nervous. Making it to the top again, I slid that hand down so that it was parallel with the other. Finding myself now face to face with him, leaning into his chest, all of the air escaped from my lungs as I shyly looked up at his face once more.

The two of us stared at each other with surprised expressions for a moment. Then, out of nowhere, and without a single second to be able to react, he leaned in and kissed me gently on the lips.

At first my eyes widened in response as I froze up. But in that moment, I realized it wasn’t from fear, but from shock because of the sudden action and the confession of his feelings behind it. A wonderful sensation was sent in shock waves from my lips down to the core of my body. A warmth that I had never felt before filled my lips as he breathed into me. This area felt even softer than the skin my fingers had just brushed over only moments ago. My eyes closed and I moaned into his mouth. This sound stirred him up and he removed his lips from mine for a brief moment, looked deeply into my shy, surprised eyes, and then fiercely leaned forward further into me as he slammed his lips into mine. My hands tightened their grip on his white coat to help hold myself in place while he slightly pushed me back towards the couch. The heated breath he let out from his kiss enveloped the inside of me and I couldn’t help but sigh at the amazing feeling. A tingling sensation shot throughout my body, turning everything numb.

Not being able to handle this anymore, and to my own surprise, I started kissing him back. Each kiss turned more and more passionate as the good feelings inside me welled up to the point of explosion. Christian’s breathing became harder, and he slipped his tongue inside me. This was a sensation beyond familiarity. Wet and not quite as warm. Not exactly what I was expecting it to feel like.

At first, the feeling was awkward, so I tried to pull out of it, but just as I began to, tiny jolts of pleasure started to hit me. The feeling switched from strange to amazing in mere seconds. With that, the rate of my breathing increased as well as I panted into him. Accepting his advances, I followed along with his movements, turning my head from left to right. _How could I have been missing out on this my whole life? What is wrong with me,_ I regretted everything to myself in that moment.

All I knew is that I was absolutely loving what was going on, but it wasn’t enough. I needed more. As if something came over me, I lifted my right hand off of his chest and grabbed the back of his head. It was amazing how I became so out of it that my phobia was completely forgotten. The impulse of desire kept me moving too quickly to be able to think about what I was doing. Scrunching my fingers around his hair, it was completely different than my own. Somehow it was both soft and rough at the same time. I couldn’t help but to take a minute to run it through my fingers, being that it was my first time feeling another person’s hair in over fifteen years.

Having my fill of that, I went on with my original intention of pulling his head in closer to mine, so that I could reach even further into the back of his mouth, getting as close to and as much of him that I possibly could. He just tasted so sweet and inviting, subtle hints of the caramel candy left on his desk for other clients present in his mouth.

Legs shaking from the pings of pleasure rushing all the way down to my core, he pushed me back onto the couch with the force of the kiss, my head now lying on the arm rest while he hovered over me. Moaning into him once more from the feeling of a new kind of control, I couldn’t hold back the curiosity of wanting to know what the skin under his clothes was like. My fingers found themselves unbuttoning his shirt as he continued to kiss me intensely. Finishing with all the buttons after what seemed like ages, they finally got the chance to feel the incredible skin along his chest. _Better than I ever imagined,_ was my thought as I found my way from his collarbone down to his stomach. Every inch closer to his stomach that I got, the more he would react. His body started trembling as well, and his hands tightened their grip on the side of the couch, seeming like he was unable to control himself any longer.

Removing his lips from mine, he brought his mouth in close to my right ear. “I need you,” he desperately called out as he purposefully let out a puff of hot breath, causing me to gasp for air as shivers went down my spine. The temperature of my body had now risen to somewhere above the visible scale, making me start to sweat all over. His words had me unsure of what to do with myself. They turned me on so much that I felt that maybe I really did want him too. That’s why when he attempted to place his hand on my hip, I didn’t object. Slipping his fingers into my shirt, he steadily slid them up my side while his kisses moved to and across my jawline, then down to the top of my neck.

 _This is exactly how I had imagined it, everything that I wanted, and yet…_ Despite knowing that, the fear started to return once again out of nowhere as his hand met my body. The most difficult parts of my body on the list to let others touch—my face, neck, and sexual organs–those were the ones he was going after now. “S-stop,” I mutter softly with low confidence.

My words didn’t appear to get through to him. He was too lost in lust. “Hey I said stop,” I demanded a little louder as the passionately inflamed boy continued to kiss further down my neck. Once again, he did not seem to hear what I said. Lifting his hand up close to my chest, I reacted by trying to push him off, but he was too strong. “No! Don’t do that!” I grumbled at him. An internal battle was happening within me. Part of me was still being turned on by his actions, while the other half was being overcome with fear. At this point it had still been a fifty-fifty on what I wanted, but as soon as he took hold of my breast, I knew the answer.

“STOP! I SAID NO MORE!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. Having been so loud this time, I startled him enough to be able to power over him and throw him off of me. Beginning to tear up a bit, I bolted for the door.

“H-hey,” he called weakly in confusion, still trying to figure out what had just happened as he was coming down from his fever. I didn’t listen and just kept running. “W-WAIT,” he shouted much more loudly as he collected himself and ran towards me in a panic.

By this point I had already made it to the door and was trying to turn the handle, but Christian was much faster than I was and had caught up just in time. Wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into a big hug, he yanked me off of the handle before I could finish getting it open.

“NO! LET ME GO!” I cried out as I thrashed around in his grip. Not accepting my refusal, he continued to hold on.

“No. I won’t,” he denied my order. 

“WHY NOT!? I SAID LET ME GO! I DON’T LIKE THIS! I DON’T LIKE YOU! YOU KNOW I HATE PEOPLE TOUCHING ME, SO WHY ARE YOU CONTINUING TO KEEP HOLDING ONTO MY ENTIRE BODY LIKE THIS!? JUST STOP!!” Tears poured from my eyes as I tried to throw my way out of his hold.

Only holding onto me tighter as I screamed at him, he continued to not listen to a thing I said. Burying his face into the back of my neck, I could feel tears starting to form in his eyes as well. “Well _I_ don’t hate _you_. In fact, I love you. I love you so much that I never want to see you go. So much that it hurts. I’m so, so sorry I was being so stupid. I told you that all you had to do was let me know when you were scared and I would stop, but I didn’t keep my word. I got so lost in my love and desire for you, that I neglected the words you were saying. I realize now what a foolish mistake I just made, and how much it probably hurt you and made you lose your trust in me. But I promise that it will never happen again. Ever.”

“It’s funny that you say that as you’re STILL DOING IT NOW!” I jumped off the floor and kicked my legs around as I shouted out the last part of my sentence. Christian never dropped his arms from me.

“I know, and I’m sorry for this. But I have to show you how much I love you. I have to make sure…” As he tried to go on speaking, he took in a deep breath and tears poured harder from his eyes. “I have to make sure that you won’t run from me.” Releasing his hold of me, he instantly dropped to the ground on his knees and only kept holding tightly onto my left hand. “Every person I ever love always runs away from me. Somehow, I always hurt them. They always become afraid of me. But not you. Please,” he begs. “Please not you. Don’t make me lose you too.” Each word seemed so difficult for him to get out as his soft sobs became more and more intense. As he appeared so broken on the inside, I couldn’t help but to curiously turn around and take a look at him.

Seeing the vulnerable side to this stone cold man was something else. His face didn’t show that of a bad man in this instant, just one of a kind person who has been through so much in life and only needs somebody who can truly and deeply love him. I knew that he wanted to continue to hold onto me in this moment, for he really needed it, but he let go and dropped down for my sake. Putting himself into this demeaning position showed how sorry he really did feel for what he had done. I had known that he didn’t mean any harm, but still, I ran. It was still difficult for me to have faith in others. To trust that they really are who I think they are. It wasn’t his fault. It was mine for being so scared and not fully letting go of that fear. 

Seeing him be torn up like this and exposing his true feelings made me think of all the pain he must have felt seeing the one he loved go. To be betrayed by her because of something that he could not control. Just like how I have no control over my phobia. The sadness of losing a loved one was also something that I understood. First when my father died, and then the day my stepfather changed— it felt like I lost him that day too. The changing of personalities was close to the highest form of betrayal for me, but when Christian’s mother left him it was by choice. That must have hurt far greater than an accidental death, or a random psychopath set out to hurt me from the beginning.  On top of that, his own father didn’t want him. At least my mother was there for me later on. Knowing that somebody cares was what got me through it. Christian and I were so similar. We felt relatable pain in our life, and shared nearly identical experiences. But something far worse than abuse for me, was that he never had any family or friends who loved him. That must be why he’s here today— trying to make sure he is that person for everyone else who didn’t have one so that nobody would ever have to feel alone like he did. God bless his nanny for later becoming that one for him.

Staring down at this beautiful, shattered human being hanging his head so low, I felt nothing but sorrow for him. I could feel the pain that he was going through. Never before in my life had I ever wanted to hug someone so badly. This feeling was the same one that had overcome me when I watched José eat pizza for the first time and cry. The strong urge to want to comfort the person you love. That’s what this is.

Bending down and sitting on the back of my heels so that I could be at his level, I give him a sorrowful smile. Without giving myself another chance to think, I lean forward into an embrace. Wrapping my arms tightly around his back and sides, I rest my head on the top of his left shoulder. As I tried to comfort him the best that I could as someone who hasn’t given a hug in fifteen years, I hoped that my message would go through to him. “I love you too Christian. Don’t worry. I’ll never truly leave you,” I whispered from the bottom of my heart as I sobbed onto him. Despite all the thoughts in my head, I found those three short sentences to be enough. A strong light greater than I had ever seen shined through and out my pocket the moment I took him into my arms, and I wondered what it could mean. 

Lifting his head up in surprise, he turned it to the side to look over at my face. I let go of my hold on him, and met his eyes as well.

“What did you just say?” he asked in bewilderment.

“I said I love you,” I smiled at him.

“Even after everything I’ve just done? Even after Jennifer and Lindsey harassed you? Even though I don’t actually have billions of dollars but you still have to hide in fear of my millions of stalker fans anyway that crowd around me and might touch you?”

“Yes. Even after all that,” I laugh softly. “And even after anything else that will happen. But please make sure to always stick to your word to ensure that.”

“Anastasia,” he calls out my name, wiping away his tears.

“Hm?” I hum caringly.

“I can’t believe…you actually just hugged me. Can I, do it too?”

Nodding my head and smiling at him to give him the okay, he passionately takes me into his arms. This time, I don’t push away in fear.

 

After calming down a bit and moving ourselves back over to the couch, we decided to just try talking for the rest of the session. Seemed like the best idea after our little incident.

“I’m so sorry for letting myself get out of control,” Christian apologizes to me yet again. “Honestly, I just love you so much that everyday has been a struggle to restrain myself from pulling you in and showing you that. When I finally got the chance, I just lost it.”

“You mean this whole time you’ve had feelings for me!?” I shout in sheer amazement. “Why didn’t you say something earlier? All this time I thought you were talking about some other girl when you were referring to that special someone. I got so jealous…”  I make a sad pouty face.

“I told you I’m terrible at talking to girls, unless they are my client. It’s actually one of the reasons I needed to bring you into my office, so that I could simply have the confidence to talk with you first. I’ve wanted to tell you for quite some time, but to be frank, I was hesitant for the longest time because for a while there it seemed like you hated me. On the Ferris wheel when you made your confession I learned that wasn’t the case, but I was still afraid of you getting hurt because of me. With all of my crazy fans such as Jennifer, something was bound to happen to you someday, and with your phobia, I didn’t want to put you at that kind of risk because of my selfish feelings. It’d be even harder on you than it was for the last woman I tried to bring into my life.”

_Oh my god I knew it! I knew he was about to confess to me then!_

“Ah, ha. Yeeeeah…” I look up into the corner of my eyes while scratching the back of my head in embarrassment at having been caught. “Sorry about that, I was just really skeptical of some guy that I believed to be a rich play boy coming up and offering me free therapy sessions. It all seemed really sketchy. But you know, we are all guilty of having pre-judgments and stereotypes about other people. It was a good learning lesson for the stuck up, hard headed me. And in response to me being in danger, no worries, I’m a tough girl with ninja-like, developed reflexes so I can handle a few million stalkers,” I proudly put my hands on my sides. “It’s not selfish of you to want love. Everyone deserves it, _especially_ you of all people who has provided so much to everyone else. I think you’re more than worth all of that, and everything else that comes with you. So I hope that you never feel that you aren’t ever again.”

“Thank you Anastasia….” he looks down breathlessly and smiles a sad, fragmented smile somehow filled with hope. “Those words mean more to me than you could ever possibly know.” As he softly whispered those last words, he seemed on the verge of losing his composure once again, and quickly looked up and changed the subject in order to prevent that from happening.  “A-hem. Anyway,” he clears his throat and speaks deeper and louder. “I don’t think you’re like what you said. Personally, I think you had all the right to perceive me as you did. A lot of people in the industry of fame aren’t the greatest. Trust me, I would know. So it was in fact wise of you to have your precautions. I’m just so thankful to you that you decided to look past them and give me a chance. This is why I know you’re actually an incredibly sweet and caring person Anastasia. Intelligent at that. The most amazing person I’ve ever encountered thus far.”

His confession almost made me choke up. “You’re too kind Christian... saying those things even after how terribly I’ve treated you…” The guilt was really starting to get to me. After seeing how broken he really is through that display just now and learning about his story, remembering my bad attitude towards him in the beginning was like throwing salt onto the wounds.

“What are you talking about? You’ve been so great to me! Treating me like I’m a normal person, not taking advantage of my money, and putting up with my bullshit. In my eyes you’ve been nothing but wonderful.” Looking directly into my soul, the smile he showed to me was one of the most genuine I had ever seen. I could feel myself being swooned by his kind and polarizing aura. “By the way,” he went back into his serious tone. “I’m sorry if I made you feel jealous before. I thought it was obvious that I was talking about you, that’s why I thought you didn’t feel the same since you weren’t reciprocating.” Scooting in closer to me, he says “Soooooo,” with a sly smile. “When exactly _did_ you start to like me then?”

“Uh. Uh. Uh,” I stammered, flushing at the cheeks once again and backing up slightly away from him. The closeness didn’t bring me fear anymore, just embarrassment and feelings that were not quite so appropriate when trying to have a serious conversation. “I’m not sure exactly. It happened slowly.” Switching to a slightly cross attitude to hide my mortification, I crossed my arms and pouted “Why do you even want to know anyway? It seems like you already figured it out, considering you kissed me just now!”  

“It was a bold move, I know. I just got so jealous and felt possessive after seeing that guy text you. It made me worry that something was going on between the both of you since he asked you out to lunch, so I thought that I couldn’t wait any longer. I had to confess to you now before he got the chance. My selfishness took over and I was unable to keep holding my feelings back. Plus, after that little...accident you had, holding back became even harder.”

The reminder made me go red again and I averted my eyes away from him in indescribable embarrassment.   

“Even if it hurt you, I needed you then and there,” his voice became hoarse as his seductive eyes zeroed in on me. “Besides,” he scoots in towards me. “I kind of figured it out after you asked to hold my hand, then when you seemed to be reacting to my advances.” Leaning in close, he whispers confidently into my ear “I could tell you were getting turned on by me.”

Stiffening up and going even brighter red, I push him away. “Oh my god, what are you talking about!? You? To me? No way!”

“Oh?” That devious half smile of his creeps up his face yet again. Leaning forward, he pushes me back so that I’m forced down onto the couch while his hands press down on both sides of me, trapping me in his imprisonment. He stares me dead in the face and asks with that cocky attitude of his “Then why are you so red Anastasia? You suuuuure you don’t enjoy this?”

The tormenting look he gave me was so arousing. Part of me wanted to accept it and continue with what we were unable to finish before, while the other half didn’t want to let him win and knew that I needed a break after the scare. Placing my hand on his chest and regrettably pushing him off of me, I deny him “Hey, isn’t this therapy? Shouldn’t we get back to discussing how to further get rid of my phobia, ‘Dr.’ Grey?”

“You do know that my touch is the greatest cure, don’t you Anastasia?” he puts his thumb on my chin and lifts my face up towards him.

That really did it. My lower region became so wet that I didn’t know what to do. _Of course I know how much it could heal me you idiot…_ “Um. Um. That may be true, but I really think that now is not the best time,” I push his hand away. “But a little later on the other hand…”

That seemed to snap him right back into it, because he got up off of me and walked back over to his chair. “You’re right,” he crosses his legs and picks up his notebook. “I was getting too carried away again after I promised not to again. We will take it easy for the rest of the night. So how was today’s session for you then? One thing I’m curious to learn about is why you were so okay with the kiss? That was an entirely new area of your body and yet you didn’t object at all like usual.”

 _Boy that was a quick turnaround_ , I thought as I had to blink a few times to shake off all the mischievous desires I was now having from his advancement. _It’s not fair. I’m stuck here all hot and bothered and he makes it seem so easy. I hope it’s not as easy as it seems for him...“_ Well,” I tried to answer his question as quick as I could so that it would no longer show how much he really does affect me, though changing the topic was also difficult because there were so many questions I wanted to ask him about the incident with José. _So he was jealous! I could sense it. He can’t fool me with that proper, good boy attitude of his. It makes me so happy that I don’t even feel sad now talking about these serious things._ “That’s actually a good question. I myself don’t really know why, but I suspect it has something to do with the fact that that’s the one area on my body that my stepfather never touched. Not only that, but the action of kissing itself is a completely different kind of touch to me. I don’t think he ever did such a thing. Not even a kiss on the cheek during his good days. He showed affection through pats on my head.”

“That’s a fantastic observation that makes quite a lot of sense actually. Actions that your stepfather performed the most, as well as areas that he touched the most probably have the greatest amount of sensitivity for you, and vice versa. Seems like sudden grabbing is on the top of the intolerable actions for you, so I will try to avoid doing that until the end. With that being said, are there any other areas on your body that he never touched?”

“Uuuuuuuuuuuuuh…” all the color drained from my face.

“What?” he raised his head up and looked at me in a concerned manner. “What is it Anastasia?”

“W-well. There’s another area that he didn’t exaaaaactly touch, but it’s um…sort of hard to say.”

“Interesting…go on,” he encouraged. 

“U-uh w-well he didn’t touch down…‘there’ per se. If you know what I mean.”

“I see. I do know what you mean and see why you struggled to mention it. Though one thing that I don’t understand is what you mean by ‘per se.’”

“Uuuuuuuum, well you seeeeeee,” at this point my uncomfortableness was very apparent. My thumbs were twirling around each other in anxiousness as I held my hands together on my lap, feet changing pressure between my heels and toes as I rocked back and forth.

“Don’t tell me,” Christian urged warily with a very concerned look.

My head dropped down, bringing my vision in line with the floor. “In the end, he tried…‘touching’ me in another way, but thankfully before he could advance too far he was caught. I had gone to the school counselor to ask what that kind of touching meant, and she was so frightened she demanded me to tell her where I got the question from straight away. Right after that the police showed up at our house and arrested him. It was then that the domestic violence was discovered as well and my mother was so distraught that she never let any man get near me again.”

Christian’s mouth hung open slightly, eyebrows drooping which showed his sorrowful expression. “Ana...” he breathed out slowly. “I’m so incredibly sorry. I can’t even imagine what that could have been like at that age on top of everything. Please,” he begged. “You _have_ to tell me what you meant by ‘before it got too far.’ What exactly did he do to you? I know its extraordinary difficult to talk about, but it will be vastly helpful in me knowing how to provide some help and avoiding frightening you again.”

Giving out a long, woeful sigh, I answered him. “Thankfully, it really wasn’t that much. Just some slow, sensual touching, creepy words, and close proximity to my sexual organs, but I always backed away from him before he could actually touch them. That’s when he would beat me even harder. I think that’s a large reason for why I developed the phobia, I never wanted to see where else that sinister touch could go. Just when I thought it was at its worst, there was something even more evil. Another layer of change.”

“I see…that must be why the slow movement from before was so uncomfortable for you. Touch that’s sexual in nature is even worse.” He writes some more stuff down into his notebook, his face showing that he was trying to secretly holding back some anger and sorrow. “Man, if he…” Christian suddenly stops in the middle of his sentence, grunting and shaking his head as if knocking an idea out of it. “Hm. Anyway,” he stops writing and looks back up at me and speaks in a worried tone. “I’m so sorry I made some advances on you today then. If I had known sexual touch was something traumatic for you in particular, then I would have never done that so quickly. Since I thought there was mostly a fear around aggressive behavior, I had a theory that you could accept gentle, loving touch. But I was wrong. I didn’t think about the possibility of you having kept some crucial information from me. It was a terribly unprofessional and unthoughtful call on my part. Having run into this kind of issue before, I should have known better.”

His eyes seemed filled with regret and anger at himself, and I hated to see that because of my weakness. “No,” I decline with a soft smile. “You can’t blame yourself for something that I withheld. I’m sorry for not being strong enough to tell you that earlier. Your advances were actually really helpful, and I feel that I’ve already made some improvement. Things just went a little too far, but both of us knowing that now, I think everything will turn out a lot better next time.”

I thought about the moment when I was in the shower, dreaming about being with him in a sexual way. He wasn’t wrong. I really wasn’t completely afraid of sexual touch anymore, and him doing that helped me to see that it was becoming a reality rather than just a fantasy now. I wanted to him to know that. “Actually, I—” I try to tell him what had happened, but feel too embarrassed once I start to say it aloud, and end up just cutting myself off.

“Actually you…what? What were you about to say?”

 “Actually, I, um...” I panicked, scrambling for something else to say instead. “I... I used to…to,” then it hit me. “Hate my stepfather, you know. So much that I wished he was being beaten in jail by other inmates and would someday get the death penalty. But, after talking with you, I realized that that makes me just as bad as he is, and that’s something that I never want to be. As a matter of fact, letting go of my anger as you had advised me the other day was the entire reason I was able to recover so quickly. The best way to get revenge on the ones that we hate is to kill them with kindness and be happy. That’s what I’ve learned from you. So I don’t think a person who taught me such a great lesson would ever purposefully wrong me. You did what you thought was best, and you were right. Your lesson helped me to move on, and so I was able to let go of his memory and enjoy being with that wonderful human, if only for a little while. So of course you were no longer able to sense something that wasn’t fully there.”

Christian opened his eyes wide in amazement, too stunned to say anything for a moment. “There really is no other girl like you Anastasia,” he smiled with a look of deep affection, having taken the time to let what I had just said soak in. “Truly one special person.” 

 

Shortly after our conversation he unfortunately had to get going right away to go do his research project. We had already taken an extra half an hour over the allotted time slot. Arriving back home, I received a text message from him:

Sorry for the rush at the end there! Next session will be tomorrow, same time. We will work on having you be completely confident with touching my body only this time without any negative reactions. If you can manage to get to that point tomorrow then we will proceed by working on getting you okay with receiving touch again. It should go a lot more smoothly now that you have provided me with some really valuable information. Thank you for that again.

 “Ba-bump.”

 _Oh my god, I have to touch his body some more again!? Is he going to react like he did today? Maybe not since I responded so negatively..._ “Sigh,” I flop back onto my bed in despair. _Now I’ve probably scared him off from doing that again. But that kiss was so nice…I’d love to feel those soft lips of his again…_ Once again my body became heated at the thought of him. The realization that we wouldn’t be able to engage in any such behavior until tomorrow tore at me. _I want to try that again with him right now…_

My perverse thoughts were interrupted by a buzz from my phone. Picking it up, it was from him again:

That was from Dr. Grey. This is Christian now. Just wanted to say goodnight, sweet dreams and I’ll see you tomorrow :) <3

Giggling at his silliness, I placed my hands over my hot cheeks. _This is so exciting. I can’t believe a boy just confessed his feelings to me! I thought this day would never be anything more than a dream to me. Even though he knows I’m not cured yet, he doesn’t care. I’ve never felt so special in my life._ Turning over, worries about Jennifer and Lindsey’s jealously popped into my mind. _I can’t keep avoiding them forever, they’ll somehow find out eventually. What am I supposed to do tomorrow when I see them? There’s no way I can keep a straight face knowing there’s something going on between the two of us now…_

Just like that, those concerns were put behind me by the humming of my phone. An email notification came in. It was from our Diversity of Human Sexuality professor. My eyes scanned through its contents quickly. From the looks of it, he had seemed to have been involved in a car crash after leaving the university and will be hospitalized for the rest of the week. This meant that there would be no class until further notice and all assignments will be assigned and turned in online.

“There’s no morning class for the rest of the week!?” I jumped up and off of my bed in my burst of excitement. “That means no more Jennifer and Lindsey for the rest of the week! Ya- ha, ha!” I danced around the room, extremely glad that nobody was around to see my horribly embarrassing moves.

Sitting back down on my bed, I cleared my throat and calmed down. “I mean, uh, oh no! Poor professor! I hope he’s okay.” Guilt for caring about my personal problems over this man’s life got the best of me. Though I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t happy about his misfortune. Christian won’t have to go to school at all now since it was the only class he was taking. The rest of the time he worked at the clinic where I would be able to see him with ease from now on.

Well, if it wasn’t for that beautiful face of his.


	15. Chapter 15

Getting through my day at school was nicer than most. Stares and whispers were thrown at me throughout the hallways all day, but that was nothing compared to dealing with the infamous backseat bitches, especially considering unwanted attention while roaming about a campus was sadly something that I was used to.

For the first time in a while I was able to eat lunch with Kate. When I tried to whisper the story to her on the benches in the courtyard, we ended up having to move over to my car again because she kept screaming so loudly every minute that it was drawing too much attention— and I certainly didn’t need any more attention. The girl wouldn’t let it go about how she knew we would end up dating. Though annoying, that did bring to my attention however the fact that he never officially asked me out.

 ** _Are_** _we dating?_ I asked myself as I approached his clinic again at 4:50 P.M. Since he had to rush out so quickly last night, we never got any time to discuss what was going to happen now. As I walked through the door, another scantily clad woman walked out. _Now it’s my turn to be jealous,_ I grumbled as I sat down in the usual chair. _He’s not completely mine yet. We aren’t officially boyfriend and girlfriend. Not only that, but we haven’t…sealed the deal._ Flushing at the thought, my eyes directed to the door he would be appearing from. _How long will it take me until I can get to that point? What will happen today? If we went that far last time, then…_ Grabbing my hot cheeks with my hands, my legs were twisting around themselves from nervousness and anticipation. _I want to go all the way so that he won’t forget who it is that’s his as these girls keep coming to him. He has to always know to think of me, and only me._

“Ms. Steele, Dr. Grey is ready for you a bit earlier today,” the receptionist’s voice drags me out of my daydream. She was gesturing towards the door, seeming to let me know to walk in myself this time.

“Oh okay. Thank you,” I bow to her and pass curiously through it.   

Not knowing quite what to do since things were executed a bit differently today, I just walked over to the usual room to see if he was inside. As I suspected, he was sitting in his chair, finishing up some notes by the looks of it.

“Oh Anastasia,” he perks his head up as he spots me. “Glad to see you made it again today. Please have a seat on the couch as usual and we can begin right away.”

The way he always greeted me so professionally made me want to laugh. _It really is the strangest thing being seen by someone you know as a client— especially when that someone is a person you’re now supposedly romantically involved with._ Today was back to the usual therapist attire. His white button up with black pants and a pair of glasses.

“Get through all of your appointments early today or something?” I ask as I sit down.

“Yes, I had to let the last one go early after I discovered she was not here for any real serious issue.”

“And how exactly did you realize that?”

“Well um,” he seemed hesitant to answer. 

“Um what? What happened,” I ask him nervously.

“She just…tried to make advancements on me repeatedly rather than wanting to talk. So I had to ask her to leave. It happens quite often, so it’s not such a big deal anymore.”

“Not such a big deal!?” I shouted out in anger to my own surprise. _I knew that woman walking out looked suspicious!_ “You shouldn’t just brush off something like that! It’s really not okay no matter how many times it happens! Man, these women thinking they can get away with sexual harassment,” my fists clench at the idea. “You should really kick them out the second they get too comfy with you and never allow them to come to the clinic again! Just because they’re females, that doesn’t mean that it’s okay!”

“Woah, woah, woah. Calm down Anastasia! As I said, I’m alright,” he chuckles at me as I shake with rage, making a face like he thinks I’m cute. “I do of course know to always make them take their leave when I start to feel uncomfortable. My wonderful receptionist out there already knows how to handle the situation as soon as it arises. There’s even a panic button under my chair here incase anything gets too crazy. So you don’t have to worry about me.” 

“A…panic button!?” In total disbelief, I ducked my head to see under the chair. Lo and behold, a large red button was strapped to the bottom of it. One would never notice such a thing if they weren’t specifically looking for it. “That’s crazy that you even need one!” I shout out again, feeling enraged at the sight.

“I know it really does suck, doesn’t it?” he gives me a saddened look this time. One that actually seemed like he was opening up his true feelings. Clearly all of this bullshit really does affect him, but he tries not to show it. “But that’s life sometimes. Besides,” his sly attitude came back out as he spoke that last word. “I appreciate your concern for me. Not many women really ever care about the crap that us men have to go through, especially when it comes to sexual harassment, a sensitive topic these days. But is it also, perhaps, that you’re….jealous as well?”  

“W-what? Me? Jealous? HAH!” My sudden outburst caused him to flinch. “I’m just really concerned about you.” It was true that I sincerely was very worried about him. Even if I hadn’t been interested in him this kind of thing would have made me mad, but it also was true that my feelings of jealousy and hate were fueling my anger as well. “I know that these kinds of things are no joke and shouldn’t be taken lightly, considering I was nearly a victim of sexual assault myself.”

“Hey now, I wouldn’t call that nearly. You definitely were sexually harassed, even if only to a minor degree thankfully. But the fact of the matter is that he obviously intended to go further, and you knew that. That kind of thing really sticks into one’s mind and haunts them. I am definitely not taking your situation lightly either. As both your concerned boyfriend and therapist.”

“Thu-thump.”

“Did you just say…boyfriend?” That one word left me in such shock that I couldn’t focus on anything else that he just said. The light pink color of my cheeks was darkening. 

Clearing his throat first, and pushing up his glasses, he responds a little anxiously “Well yes, I know it wasn’t really established yet, but I was hoping that you would consider my proposal. I don’t see why you wouldn’t be at this point, considering we both have expressed how we feel about each other.”

“Yes of course,” I smile at him, relieved. It was difficult to stifle back laughter because of the professional language he was using to talk about the situation. _He **really** sure does get into character when he’s in the office. Even when talking about such a personal topic such as this one. Guess he really does need to take on this persona in order to talk to me._ “I just wasn’t sure where I stood with you since it hadn’t been mentioned. To be frank, I don’t really know how any of this works because I’ve never even put any thought into having a boyfriend before.”

“That’s quite understandable. I’m not the biggest expert myself, but I suppose the important part is that you do want to go out with me officially now…right?” Although in his own office and wearing his therapist attire, he asked me a bit nervously as he shyly looked at my face, and I was just surprised to find that he even had to ask. It seemed that I was a person who still had the power to make him feel anxious from time to time.

Grinning sheepishly with my head down and hands locked nervously, I firmly state “One hundred percent.”

With an exuberantly deviant smile and deep, confident voice, he says “Good.”

Something about the look he gave and the way he spoke that last line sent shivers down my spine. The vibration continued down to the central part of my body, shaking me with feelings of pleasure. He always acted so cute and dorky whenever we were talking, but then, when it came down to the dirty parts, this strange aura of confidence always seemed to surround him, becoming painfully tantalizing. 

“Now then,” he flips open to new page in his book, returning to normal. “Shall we continue with the exposure therapy?”

Taking in a deep breath first, I tell him “Yes.”

Seeing my response, he stands up and comes to sit beside me on the couch. “We are going to dive right into it. Today I want you to attempt to touch all the parts of my body that you were unable to last time. Start with the arms again, then do the feet and legs.”

“O-okay,” I stutter nervously, gazing at his stunning body that was exposed perfectly over his form fitting shirt. I wondered what he meant by “every” part of him again, but didn’t want to embarrass myself once more by asking. Grabbing his wrists, I repeat the same process from yesterday, hoping that it would turn out like it had last time. Unfortunately though, as I made it to his chest, he didn’t go in for the kiss. Dejected, I decided to just carry on with his request as normal, but as I was about to bend down to the ground to start on his feet, he stops me.

 “Hold on a minute.”

“Hm?” I look up in confusion.

“Why don’t you try giving me a hug again first? I want you to become really comfortable with that action, as well as anything to do with the upper body before the lower.”

“Ah okay,” I stand up and face him. It made me a bit nervous, but when I looked into his eyes, I saw the face of the one that I love. Remembering the way he was so torn up kneeling on the ground in tears brought out the confidence in me to be able to embrace him again. Holding my arms out, I wrapped them around his sides as he got up from the couch, then fell forward into his chest. His height was just great enough that my face nuzzled perfectly into it.

With a surprised smile at my speed and force, he returned the gesture. We both stood there in silence for a good minute, just holding one another as we rocked from side to side in happiness. _This is the warmest feeling of all_ , I thought as the heat of his body surrounded me. Taking in his smell, it was so wonderfully intoxicating. His pheromones were emitted through the scent, and a warm flush went through tip of my head down to my toes. Having been too involved in the moment last time, I didn’t get the opportunity to fully appreciate the hug. Now, I was basking in its full glory. The love he felt towards me was somehow transmitted through his touch. Warm, loved, comfortable, and protected— that’s what his embrace felt like. It was strange, whenever my stepfather used to hold me in the same way, it never felt like this. As a child, I thought it was just because of the distant feelings of a stepfather versus a real father or mother, but in fact, it was just the lack of love and sincerity he had towards me. Without these feelings, the action became something completely different. Cold, dark, and evil. That’s the kind of aura he conveyed through his embrace. Having been too young and inexperienced, I never knew what all this was like. _I wonder if this is how my mother’s hug would feel,_ I pondered to myself while enjoying the wonderful feeling of being in Christian’s arms. _It was so long ago that I can’t remember._

Finally letting go of my hold, I looked him dead in the eye and thought _this is what the feeling of wanting to make love to someone is like. Right now, I’m just so in love that I have to show it to him, just as he had said. I want to get closer, to feel his entire body, to make him cry out and moan in pleasure, and see that gorgeous face of his make a multitude of expressions by the doing of my hand, knowing that only I am the one able to make him feel that good. Then, in the end, become one with him as we share our love. To have that kind of physical connection with an individual would be a whole new level of achievement for me. Establishing a basic physical relationship with someone was already a far off dream. To think of the possibility of fully binding with another human is unreal. Never again would I have to feel alone._

One thing that I had already begun to learn from my experience is that an emotional connection can only bring you so far. The flip side is also true. Both need to be present in order to feel completely connected and close, as well as to remove all the bits of loneliness that one often feels in their heart. So many years of rejection and denial caused me to forget how necessary having this element in my life was. The stubborn, stuck-up me just didn’t want to admit it and couldn’t find the will to keep fighting for it anymore. But now, I had a strong reason and person to continue that fight for. 

As the two of us smiled at each other, he laughed and drew me into the hug once more. This time, much tighter. “I’m so happy you’re able to accept this now. I’ve been wanting to do this for so long,” he confessed into the top of my head as his face burrowed into it.

A single tear of happiness dropped from my eye as the cold, desolate feeling in my heart was washed away by warmth. 

 “I’m so glad too,” I muttered into his chest, feeling the greatest that I had in years. Breaking away from him once again, I reminded him “But there’s so much more I still need to learn to be able to do. I don’t want to just get comfortable here.” My tone was very serious, and I had a look of determination.

Nodding at me to show that he understood, he sat back down on the couch. “Alright then. Please continue.”

Once again his look and tone of voice pulled me into him. The way that his hair was slightly jostled from the hug made it so that a few stray strands of hair from his bangs hung over his eyes in a sexy and inviting way. Kneeling down, I placed my hand over his glossy, black leather shoes. Running my hands up to his ankle, I was met with his pants. “I feel like this would be so awkward if I didn’t know you this well,” I confessed.

“Well that’s why it’s a good thing that you do. Makes this process much easier, doesn’t it?” he continued to give me that sexy stare and confident attitude.

Shivering from that look, I focused my attention back onto his legs and away from his face that wouldn’t stop turning me on. _Normally it would be if it wasn’t for the expression you keep giving me you jerk…_

Ignoring his advances, I decided to try toying with him a little myself. _Since it’s him, I can do this however I want._ Slowly, I begin sensually sliding my hands up his legs. It felt strange at first, but the curiosity of what kind of reactions I could get out of him led me to keep going. Looking really surprised and taken aback, he started to tense up in response, and secretly clenched his hand onto the side of the couch. _Bingo. Guess I’m doing this right,_ I smirked to myself. I was so proud that I actually managed to get a reaction on my first try.

Going up a bit higher onto his knee caps, realization of where I was getting close to came over me, and my actions started to become shyer. I remembered the “accident” from last time and started to go red in the face from embarrassment once again. Taking in a deep breath, I slid my hands ever carefully and steadily across his thighs. He started to shrug away a bit, but that didn’t stop me. Nearing the end of his thigh, my face flushed and I halted my movement. Giving a large and slow gulp, I continued on by moving down and around to his sides, avoiding the area in the middle that was staring at me dead in the face. As I thought about my hand being right on it not too long ago, I couldn’t bring myself to keep looking at it. Peeking sneakily real quick, I could see the bulge in his pants rise in response to my movement. He tried to shift his legs to cover it, but it was too late to avoid me noticing. Turning a vibrant and noticeable red, I looked completely away and pulled my hands back to my side.

The more I did to him, the more I realized how much I loved having this kind of control. I believed that I had become afraid of touching others because I was too scared that I would end up becoming abusive like my stepfather had, just as Christian so easily discovered about me. Touch also just became gross in general to me in my inexperienced mind. Seeing the positive side of it now, and how nothing but good intentioned thoughts are appearing, I started to trust myself to touch others again, and even started to find pleasure in doing so rather than disgust. Being the dominant one, I was no longer that weak, helpless child my stepfather made me into. 

“Well I think I just covered all of your lower body,” I said as I hopped back up onto the couch beside him, still avoiding eye contact. Part of me really wanted to satisfy that bulging desire of his, but the other was still afraid of it.

He opened up his mouth to say something, then seemed to change his mind about what it was going to be. Clearing his throat once more, he agreed with some difficulty “Y-Yes, and it seems to have been quite effortless for you. Nice job.” He shook his head back and forth as if needing to clear his thoughts. “Well I suppose now you’ve touched just about all of me, would you like to try having me touch you again?”

“Thu-thump.”

“Y-yes. I suppose we could give it a go.”

 “Okay,” he says nervously as he turns his body towards mine. Grabbing my hand first to start with something easy, he holds onto it while his other one takes hold of my wrist. “I know you don’t like slow movement or sudden grabbing, so I’m going to try a combination. Grabbing you slowly. Will that be better you think?”

“Yes. I believe so.”

Obtaining my approval, he takes his right hand off of my wrist and then slowly places it back down onto my forearm. I wince slightly at the action, but don’t resist. Seeing my compliance, he does it again, but goes a little higher. Keeping one eye closed, I still don’t object to the slightly uncomfortable feeling. Once again he raises it and then places it onto my upper arm. My heart was beating extraordinarily fast, but surely, I remained in place.

Finally finishing up the round with a steady placement onto my shoulder, we stared each other in the eyes. Whenever a person had accidentally touched me in the past, I always ran home to take a shower to clean it off. After my stepfather had touched me, I took a shower multiple times per day, trying to scrub the feeling off of me. _Get off, get off, get off,_ I would cry and brush exceedingly hard on my skin with my hands lathered in soap, upset because no matter how rough or how long or I did it for, it just never would. When I was touched again, all it did is make the feeling of his hands over me stronger. But now, when Christian touched me, I didn’t feel the need to run to the shower anymore. He didn’t make me feel gross. He was someone that I could trust, and felt that his touch washed that feeling away instead.    

Christian removed his hand from me, seeming to be done.

“Why are you stopping,” I ask quietly, one eye opening slightly.

“Because I don’t want to push you too far again today. If I keep going…I don’t think I’ll be able to stop.”

That last sentence left me breathless. Being touched wasn’t as enjoyable as being the one in control, but at the same time, I was starting to find a bit of pleasure in that too. When he suddenly quit, I felt upset and wanted more. _I think his touch really **could** heal me. _“Well, maybe I’m thinking that if you keep going, I won’t want to you stop either.”

Stopping to stare with his mouth slightly dropped open, he asked “What do you mean? Are you not afraid anymore?”

“Well,” I paused for a minute, feeling shy. “I…to tell you the truth…I didn’t let you know last time because it was too embarrassing to admit before I knew how you felt…but, the other day in the shower, I…”

“What? What happened in the shower?”

“I…”

Once again, I was finding difficulty in getting the words out. He scooted in a bit closer and took my hand. “It’s okay. You can tell me.”

His gentle aura made me feel comfortable with him.

 “I…well, I thought about you touching me. And instead of wanting to wash it off…I, um…well,” my face went completely red again. “I, touched myself instead, imagining it was you. Last time I was just in a bit of a shock having it finally occur in real life, but I think if we try again, maybe it will be possible since I’ve now realized I want it too.” Neck dripping with sweat from the heat of my burning desire, I shyly looked down and wrapped my arms around my side in embarrassment, wanting to run away and never look at him again.

Staring at me with a loss for words at my sudden and bold confession, he asked in surprise “Oh? Is that so?” and then came in even closer. I kept turning away, so with a sensual smile he asked “May I touch your face so that I can pull it up to look at me?”

Flashing a quick glance at him, I nodded “Mm,” shyly and closed my eyes.

Staring at me very intently, he steadily reaches out and puts his thumb on my chin. “If you had told me such important information like that before, our session could have gone much more smoothly. I wish I had known how you felt this whole time.” Turning it up towards his face, he gave me no choice but to open my eyes and stare into him.

When I didn’t scream or pull away, he assuredly went in for a kiss. Eyes widening at the unexpected action once again, I closed them as soon as the familiar softness of his lips met with my senses. He kissed me over and over and I moaned into each one. The hand resting on my shoulder moved over to the back of my head to pull me deeper into the kiss. Wincing at the action, I pulled back a bit but he denied me the opportunity. Now being overtaken by his painfully hot kisses, all of my thoughts went blank and I couldn’t help but give in to him.

It went on and on like that for a while, and I found that he didn’t seem to try to advance any further. _He must be nervous because of my reaction last time,_ I managed to bring out the thought amongst my heavy fever. Feeling a sudden eruption of confidence amongst my intense desire, I grabbed his hand and moved it down to my side. It occurred to me that the first time he would touch a spot it was uncomfortable, but when he did, the warmth would wash away the cold feeling of my stepfather, making it once again touchable soon after. 

Pulling away from the kisses for a moment, he had a look of disbelief on his face and asked me through his pants “Are you _really_ sure about this?”

“Mm,” I give a confident and unmistakable nod of my head.

With a grateful smile, he says “Just focus all of your attention on the positive aspects to turn it away from the negative ones and you’ll be alright, okay?” and returned to kissing me passionately before moving his hand up my side. The anxiety within me gave rise once again, but this time I fought against it. _Remember that vision you had in the shower Anastasia. Remember how much you wanted this moment. Don’t let it go. Don’t let that terrible man take this pleasure away from you._ Fighting with all my might, I let him run his hand all along my side, then over to my back as he carefully and steadily circled around the entire area. The first time he would touch a spot it would mentally hurt, but the second time he would run over it, it had been healed and felt smooth and painless.

 _He avoided that spot this time, but god am I learning how great all these other areas of my body feel too._ Amidst my fears, my breathing continued to intensify from the pleasure of having someone run their hands along my back for the first time in my life. It played out a bit differently than in my fantasy, but I wasn’t complaining. The other hand that had still been holding onto mine this entire time now released its grip and joined the other on my back. The both of them started at my tailbone and rose in unison as his fingers softly trickled up to my shoulder blades. Slowly, I was being pushed slightly backwards towards the couch as he held me up with his grip. Shivering from the tormenting action, the fear left me after realizing how good it all was actually feeling. As he said, I focused on the wonderful feeling the second hand gave me and started to not notice when the other one brushed over somewhere new. 

 

Once he became aware that I was tolerant to all the areas on my back, he used his weight to bring me fully down onto the couch as my head flew back from his kisses that were now traveling down my neck. Returning his hands over to my side, he then ran the tips of his fingers across my belly, nearing my breasts. In order to test the waters, he stroked and circled around the area underneath painfully slow as he kissed my lips attentively. He must have still been afraid of me reacting as I did last time as he once again stopped just as he was about to move up, and instead brought his hands back down to my side. This left me with much disappointment after the buildup.

Christian then kept kissing along my collarbone, traveling over the same areas again and again. The longer he kept doing it the more his breathing would intensify and his actions would quicken. Occasionally his hand would twitch and he’d move it up slightly as if he wanted to bring it up to my breast again, but then would lower it back down once more. He now groaned into each kiss and his legs slid up and down in anxiousness. He was desperately trying to hold himself back from touching anywhere else.

As time moved on, his body began to tremble slightly and he finally slid his hand up without bringing it back, keeping his fingers moving in swaying motions on the area just under and around my chest again. By this point, all the teasing was becoming unbearable, and his uncontrollable need to touch me while actually being able to restrain himself further aroused me into an overwhelming state.  Not being able to handle it, I whimpered and grasped tightly onto the folds of his shirt around his arms, pulling him towards me in need. My plea clearly went through to him as he immediately inhaled swiftly and slid his hand up and over my left breast, grabbing onto it softly despite his passion.

The two of us exhaled in relief and a very loud moan resonated through the office. The feeling of the touch to that area was far better than that of my hand. As he handled it gently and with care, the strongest jolt I had yet felt was sent down to my sopping wet area. I was shocked to discover that pleasure had taken over my mind to such a high degree that it kept my anxiety at bay. Or maybe, it was just because he had managed to briefly touch this spot the last time. It seemed like his theory of letting him push through my fear was actually working. 

 As he toyed with the area that he was now finally granted access over, he groaned in satisfaction from the long awaited moment and my unexpectedly positive reaction. His kisses moved down my neck as he played with it, inhaling and exhaling impassioned, quick breaths just like in my vision. A whole new world was now being opened up. _What have I been missing out on? What have I wasted my life for?_ I beat myself up as I panted continuously while his kisses traveled further and further down my body. _For so many years I was so stupid._

Hitting a wall because of the clothing blocking the way, he started to remove my sweater. As I tried to resist, he didn’t accept it and kissed my neck to calm me down. The incredible feeling distracted me enough that I didn’t notice him slipping the rest of it off of my body. Now I was exposed completely for the first time in front of a man, or really any other person. Shying away in embarrassment, I tried to cover my breasts with my arms.

“Don’t hide from me. You’re so incredibly gorgeous, I can’t bear to not see it any longer” he exhaled feverishly as he gently removed my arms from their hold. His face became even more lost in lust as he stared down at me. This made my body heat up even more and my cheeks were glowing red. Looking away in embarrassment, I was actually turned on by it rather than repulsed like I usually was when I caught people eyeing me. _This must be what’s called being in love. Accepting only that persons stares because they make you feel more comfortable than anyone else._

 His mouth lowered down onto my never before seen area and I cried out in ecstasy. Now toying with my nipples with his tongue, he circled around them and slowly rose to the base and flicked it with his tip. “Ah,” I called out and rolled my head back from the new sensation. Feeling encouraged, he did it again, then brought his teeth down over it, biting and sucking on it like it was candy.

At this point, I was seriously losing control. However, I wasn’t the only one, because in that moment, he gripped the couch strongly, seeming to be taking his overwhelming desire out on it to protect me from himself. He had wanted to grab me harder but turned to squeezing the folds of the couch instead as to not frighten me. It was the passion of a man who was having the pleasure of being with a woman for the first time. His panting became louder and louder, and he groaned “I…want all of you. To touch over every part again and again until it’s undoubtedly healed.”

With that, he sat up and took his time to unbutton his shirt. I watched him curiously as he did, feeling on the verge of orgasm just from the sight of his flawless, lustful face and sexy, exposed body. As soon as he finished removing his white button up, he threw it off to the side, not caring where it landed.

Bending back down over me, he trailed his kisses from my nipples and down over my stomach, nearing my vagina. As he reached the edge with his mouth, he told me in hoarse voice “Now I’m going to gently grab your legs, so bear with me here” and then moved his hand down to my ankle and slid up to and along my thigh, coming to meet the area. This caused me to gasp in shock, for this was a place he had never touched before and it came on so quickly. Sudden flashbacks of my stepfather caressing my thighs and trying to bring his hands near my groin came forth.

“Now be a good little girl as usual and don’t tell anyone about what I’m about to do to you,” my stepfather demanded with the most twisted expression on his face. Narrowing his eyes, he looked at me fiercely with pure evil intentions “Or your mommy will suffer major consequences due to your bad behavior.”

The repressed words that he once spoke to me came back and hit me like a thousand pound of bricks. With those sentences ringing in my head, the discomfort started to overpower my feelings of pleasure, and tears fell from my eyes. “No stop,” I cried out in fear, kicking my leg forward and knocking Christian right off of me.

This time he actually listened and halted all actions at once. Looking startled and full of regret, he sat up and rested his face into his palms. “Gosh damnit!! I lost control again!” he yelled at himself as he slid his hands up into his hair and angrily clenched onto it, reprimanding himself as he turned away from me.

It was so unfair. I so badly wanted him too, but every time he tried to touch a new area, bad memories would come up first and cause me to push him away. He had mess ups because I kept withholding information from him. Because of that, he probably didn’t understand how much I actually wanted him too, and was led to believe he was a failure. That made me feel so sad. 

Slowly trying to push myself back up, I continued to sob but tried my hardest to bring him solace. “No,” I managed to sniffle out. “It’s not your fault. You’re not doing anything wrong. I’m the one that’s messing up. ”

“What?” He lifted his head up from his palms and turned towards me in disbelief at what he was hearing. “Don’t ever apologize to me,” he demanded tremendously seriously. “This isn’t your fault either.” Coming near me, he glanced at the salty streams pouring down my face and it was obvious that seeing it brought him pain. Leaning forward, he took me into his arms and comforted me the best that he could. “Please don’t cry Anastasia. I’m here for you,” he caressed my head while stroking my hair lovingly. “I never want to have to see you end up like this again. I can’t bear to see you hurt so much. I promise I’ll make things better so that you will never have to shed another tear.”

Feeling how amazing it was to be comforted by someone for the first time, it was difficult to hold together my emotions. _The love and care that I can feel in this. This… this is so much better than watching someone hug my look alike doll, or fake hold my hand and cry, or reassure me with their words. No wonder I’ve felt so lonely and isolated my entire life, and made others feel that same way._

Christian’s loving embrace only made me begin to cry harder. My cold, soulless tears transformed— now warm and alive. Something within me changed, straight down to the core, as if all the cells within my body themselves started to rearrange. It was like the day I threw my letter off the hillside and into the stars, and when I was touched for the first time, and then when I realized my love for Christian. Each time was like a new cell morphing into a better form. Piece by piece I’ve been put back together. The restoration on its way, but not quite finished.

And just like all those other times, a mysterious, sparkling light radiated from within my pocket— a light that only I was seeming to see. The two of us sat there crying together for a while until I was able to calm down. Pushing away from him slightly, I gazed lovingly into his eyes and said “I hope you still know that I actually do always really want you too, no matter how I end up responding in the end.”

With that, I brought my head back in for a kiss. He didn’t seem to know what to do at first, but when I kept pushing into him more aggressively, he accepted and pushed his way back into me too. Again and again our lips smashed against each other, full of pure love and a fiery passion.

Stopping for a breath of air, he whispers desperately into my ear while holding me tight “Although I want all of you so badly,” he moves his face in front of mine and strokes my cheek with his hand “let’s just stick to getting your upper body used to my touch today.”

To that I nod enthusiastically in agreement. Giving his devilishly fine smirk, he says “Now let me show you the difference between true love and what you experienced.” Softly wrapping his arms around me, he proceeds to kiss down my neck and everywhere he could see, taking his time to familiarize me with his affection while also being careful not to miss a single inch from the bottom of my stomach to the top of my head. In each movement, I could feel his love and tenderness as he put all of his effort into keeping me calm and making me feel as good and safe as possible. He truly did have some magical curing hands that felt like nothing I could ever describe. His vast knowledge on the use of touch was amazingly impeccable. The entire process took about three hours, because for every part of my body he tested each kind of movement, use of multiple body parts, and varying speeds possible, until I was completely comfortable with anything and everything he would throw at me.

It was one of the greatest yet overwhelming experiences of my life.


	16. Chapter 16

_Thank god everyone leaves the office after five when I get there,_ I thought in relief as I walked towards the clinic once again for my appointment. Remembering how loud I got with my moans last night, I couldn’t help but cringe at what would have happened if other people had been there, or if my appointments were during normal hours of operation.

Waiting all day long for 5’oclock was like torture. My body still yearned so badly for him. The reason being that I hadn’t been able to become fully satisfied. That ability was something that I was slowly learning about. _When you get aroused and don’t finish the job, you seem to stay perpetually horny._ This was something that I hadn’t ran into much before, because my sex drive was always killed so much by the memory of my stepfather. But not anymore. No longer would I continue to let his memory haunt me, or cause others in my life to be in pain. Indirectly, he was hurting Christian, my friends, and my mother even still by continuing to live on within my mind— and _that_ was a pleasure that I could _not_ continue to let him have.

 _Today’s the day!_ I pushed excitedly through the doors. _The day I finish my transformation and finally be free!_ Immediately that sudden burst of confidence was struck down by the sight of the area that Christian always came through to fetch me. Going shy, I zipped over to find my seat. _Holy shit. Get it together Anastasia! You know you want this!_ But that was exactly the problem. Knowing what was about to go down made my heart beat almost straight out of my chest.

“Hello Anastasia,” Christian greeted me with his deep and erotic voice. There seemed to be a feeling of “I want to rip all of your clothes as soon as you get into this room,” deep within him that he was battling to keep from the forefront. I could tell that every time we met he was always restraining himself from doing and imagining what he really wanted. Slowly, I was becoming more and more interested in what those real thoughts might be, rather than the protection that I (almost) always receive.

“Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump.”

My heart could not contain itself. It knew what it was getting into today.

After the session last night, he gave me a homework assignment of practicing hugging on other people close to me. He wanted to be sure it wasn’t only him that I was getting comfortable with, and that I would be able to extend my reach to others as well. Following his instructions, I went home and looked for Kate. Thankfully, it was a night that she didn’t have to stay too long working on her lab assignments. I did find that he was right about the fact that I had become mostly just comfortable with _his_ touch. The close bond that we had formed made it easier for me to accept his advances more than others. Approaching Kate, I became really nervous, but then I remembered his advice to not let myself think about anything that was going to happen. Anxiety occurs from letting your mind wander too much. So, I just walked straight up to her and said “Hey Kate,” and hugged her as she turned around. Surprisingly, I wasn’t the one who froze up that time— she was. Tears fell from her eyes when she looked down at me wrapping my arms around her for the first time since elementary school. 

Back in grade school she and I were very close, and we would hold hands and glomp each other all the time. But then, everything changed. Our relationship turned much more emotional rather than physical after I started to lose my ability to engage in human contact. It made the dynamic a bit different. Now, when we embraced for the first time as adults, it brought us back to that time when we just mere children. All the years that had passed seemed so insignificant. It was crazy to think that it was the first time in fifteen years that I hugged my best friend. All the time sleeping in the same room and we had never truly touched until that day. “I love you,” I told her as she sobbed my name. It may have been a different kind of love than what I felt for Christian, but it was true all the same. That’s why doing that with her was possible.

The rest of the night we held hands merrily, painted each other’s fingernails like we used to do so long ago, tickled one another, high fived as I told her about the crazy sexy things I did with Christian, and I even let her fall asleep on my shoulder during the movie without socking her in the face. All of these little things that we did made me realize just how much I was missing out on over the years. It had been so long since I had done them that I had forgotten what it was like. _Stupid,_ I thought. _I was just being flat out stupid. Why was I so stubborn? Why didn’t I seek out help years ago?_ The idea angered me all night and kept me up, unable to fall asleep. But just when I thought I was going to stay awake groveling forever, another realization occurred to me. If I hadn’t, then I never would have met Christian. He and I would have just continued to be ordinary classmates, sitting so close but never meeting. Or, maybe I wouldn’t have ever been in his class at all. So I suppose everything happened the way that it did for a reason, and the time for my transformation was chosen now on purpose. I would like to think that I’m somebody who exists to help change him too.

After Kate came José. Much to Christian’s dismay, he and I still did need to meet up for lunch. Although extremely jealous, Christian still encouraged me to meet up with him and show him how much I’ve changed as well after I had explained the kind of relationship we shared. After all, if it wasn’t for José, I would have never gone in for help in the first place. I owe him so much, and a hug wouldn’t even be enough to cover it. Having met up previously this afternoon for sushi, the two of us embarrassed ourselves yet again by making a scene in the restaurant. The fact that we were able to embrace meant so much more than it did with Kate, only because it meant that the both of us had healed enough to do so. Two people with two similar phobias that prevented them from ever being able to touch were now hugging and enjoying a meal _together_ in an outside place crawling with germs and other humans. A true miracle indeed. 

On the way out from the restaurant, I noticed a man passing me by on the sidewalk a bit too close and realized he was about to bump shoulders with me, but instead of dodging away from him like usual, I just let it happen. He hit the edge of my shoulder slightly, and I could feel the limbs of a stranger slide against mine for a few seconds, but as he turned over to apologize, I just gazed into the distance and smiled. The guy walked away and gave me a look like he thought that I was crazy, but I didn’t care.

Although tough, seeing myself make that change and being able to take what we had been practicing outside of the office really helped to boost my confidence. That’s why today I walked in feeling like a brand new person and had energy enough to run a marathon. Well that is, until I was met with Christian’s stunningly gorgeous face.

No matter how many times I saw him he never failed to put butterflies into my stomach. Walking toward him, his hotness made me go so crazy that I wanted to jump on him like a wild animal and eat his face off. But that just wouldn’t do because then I wouldn’t be able to look at it anymore. So I decided against it.

Sitting down in our usual spots, Christian started off the day with an unusual announcement.

“Today will be the first day of sex therapy.”

“….Say what now?” If I had currently been drinking water, surely I would have just spat it out. As my eyes blinked a few times, I had to clean my ears out with my finger to make sure that I heard him correctly.

“The exposure therapy has gone quite well and according to your reports you’ve started to be able to function normally within society.” He glanced down at his paper and drew a line through something written down. “Since I have gotten you to the level of being able to do everything with your upper body, looking at it, all that’s left to be checked off from your list is touching…private areas.”

My face turned redder than Rudolph’s nose on Christmas Eve. “Y-yes I suppose that’s true. But I don’t need to be able to do that to be a normal member of society.”

“True. But you do need to be able to be comfortable with that to be a fully capable individual. Having sex _is_ part of a normal human life after all. Even if not with another human, it will bring you many benefits to be able to at least do it by yourself. Besides, what kind of therapist would I be if I didn’t help you get over all aspects of your phobia? I won’t stop until _every single inch_ of you is cured.”

“What kind of therapist!?” I yelled out, challenging his statement. “What kind of therapist indeed! If I do recall, I don’t think ‘sex therapy’ is a common practice. At least, I hope it isn’t. This isn’t something that you practice with all your patients…is it?” I was saying it in a joking way of course, but I would be lying if I said that a part of me wasn’t actually worried that it might be.

“Of course not Anastasia,” he laughs in disagreement. Giving that mischievous half smile of his, he says slowly and deeply “It’s a practice I’ve specially designed for you.”

Feeling sweat accumulate everywhere on my body, I gasped for air because of my breath being entangled too long in his words.

“How lucky you are to be in a romantic relationship with a therapist,” he stands up and walks towards me. “Not many people get this kind of full on and intensive treatment with a trained professional.”

The way that he spoke as he took small strides towards me was incredibly seductive. It’s as if he was trying to tease me with his voice alone. Somehow, he really did have a way of arousing me with it. To make matters worse, he started to unbutton his shirt as he did.

“Woah, woah, woah,” I held my hand out at him as I looked away. “What are you doing!?”

Moving my hand out of his way, he utters “Well if we are going to proceed with sex therapy, I’m going to have to get you turned on enough to let me touch you first.”

Feeling like I was going to die, there was no response that I could give to that. _Holy shit. Holy shit. Where is this sudden confidence of his coming from?_ Somehow it seemed that finally getting the chance to get intimate with someone turned him into a whole new person. The man before me was now oozing with confidence and sexuality, and he was right— it really was turning me on.

Keeping his shirt on, but all the way unbuttoned, he put his hands on the couch around both sides of my body, leaning forward into me as I was slowly pushed into the backing while trying to get away. I tried to sink down into the couch, but he quickly swooped down and caught my lips into a kiss, stopping me right in my tracks. Deepening it by sticking his tongue in, I sighed into him. He started off by biting and pulling on my bottom lip, and as he did, he ran his hands through the back of my hair and pulled it down to make my head incline upwards more toward him. “Mm,” I called out as he tugged on me.

“See. There’s nothing to be afraid of. These actions can be used to bring you pleasure.”

He was right. Everything felt so good. I had no words to say to that, so he just began removing my top from my body and then threw it over the couch when he finished, knowing that I wouldn’t be seeing it again for a while. Taking a second to admire my lacy pink bra, he removes the rest of his shirt as well. Kneeling down in front of me, he grabs my sides and pulls me forward. I let out a gasp as draws me in.

“I want to show you how force can be used without causing pain. That should eliminate some of your fear revolving around touch.”

The rough nature he had going for him today really was unexpectedly hot and didn’t bother me, for I was starting to see how all of the aggressive actions didn’t bring any pain as he said. A whole new concept for me.

Running his hands up my stomach and onto my breasts, he concentrated hard on moving in a very soft and gentle way to ease me into his trust. The rubbing of my bra stimulated my nipples, and the aroused look on his face lulled me into that weak, mushy state. He too, looked like he was beginning to melt into a pile of goo, but of course had already prepared himself mentally by surrounding himself with an invisible casing to protect him from falling apart. With an inhale of air, he quickly shot his hands to my back to undo my bra, but fumbled for a minute when trying to get it undone. _He really is inexperienced,_ the observation made me happy. _I would have never guessed considering how good he is at everything. From what I experienced last night, he really, **really** knows what he’s doing. Now knowing he hasn’t done this with his other clients or that girl from his past after all makes me feel so relieved. Somehow, the fact that he is just as inexperienced as I am calms me and makes me feel very comfortable with him. _  

Figuring out how to undo it after only a couple tries, it fell from my shoulders and down to my waistline. He grabbed onto my now bare breasts again. “God. They’re so perfect,” he exhaled feverishly. “You’ll never know how difficult having to restrain myself from grabbing onto these before was.” Bringing his mouth to the area that he just uncovered, he was slightly more aggressive than before, but just enough that it still felt gentle. This made me cry out suddenly. Amongst his actions, his head tilted slightly up toward me, and in a raspy voice, he said “Now things are going to start getting a bit more rough.” Taking my hand in his, he ferociously went at them. At that, I couldn’t hold back my voice any longer. My moans and groans only encouraged him more and made his actions become rougher.  He sucked and bit so hard on me that it left kiss marks all over my breasts. It felt so good that I wasn’t afraid at all.

“Is everything feeling okay?” he asked as he took a quick break.

“Mmmm,” is all I could muster up as my eyes squeezed closed from the desire for more.

Smirking, he took that as a “Hell yes” and kept going further. His hands clutched firmly onto all parts of my upper body, and he brought his knee up onto the couch in front of me, pushing his whole self into me harder. I gasped and clenched onto the back of his hair, throwing my head back into the cushions. After some time, he took his mouth off of me and looked weakly into my eyes “Now everyone will know that these are mine”

“That’s…ah—” I tried to speak, but was cut off immediately when he kissed down my neck and grabbed the sore area again. The feeling was too intense to let me get my words out. Sexual touch was just such a great pleasure to my skin that was so lacking of it. _I wanted to say that’s what I need to do to you,_ I pouted to myself, not entirely too angry given the wonderful treatment I was receiving. But if there’s anyone that needs to be known is claimed, it’s him. “I want to touch you too,” I pleaded as he kept kissing me, grabbing ahold of his shoulders to try and get my message across again. Ignoring me, he continued to aggressively press his lips and tongue along my body and wrapped his arms around me tighter. Last night he had been so gentle and loving, but today he was so fierce and passionate. 

“But I haven’t quite had my fill of you yet,” he brought his hands up to my face and caressed it while he brought his lips to mine and moved up to my nose, then along my brow line and down to my cheeks. “Now that I’ve gotten you ready, your bottom half still needs treatment.”

Sitting back down on top of his legs, he removes my shoes and I try to pull away, but remember my promise to myself. _No. You’re not going to walk out of here unsuccessful again._

With very agile fingers, he unbuttons my jeans, slowly pulls down the zipper, and carefully slides them off as I wriggle in discomfort. He managed to avoid touching my skin by hooking his fingers on the loops on the sides of my jeans that were meant to hold up a belt. A very interesting and creative use for them. Getting shy once again about my exposed skin, he notices and reassures me “You have very long and sexy legs.” Eyeing them up and down to show just how much he actually meant it, he breathlessly exhales “Oh what I would love to do with these after I cure you.”

That made my legs begin to tremble, the thought of what that could be distracting me.

Examining my facial expression carefully, he pays special attention to my reactions as he moves around my feet and up to my ankles. “Don’t worry, I’ll never do anything to hurt you,” he firmly reassures me, looking deep into my eyes. It was a look that I knew I could trust. “I love you so much and only want to bring you joy and pleasure. You’re safe with me Ana.”

The connection I felt with him made me believe his words, and I thought about how I didn’t want to receive this from anybody else other than him. _His touch is all that I want. Nobody else. There’s not a single other person right now that I would let feel me this way, but if it’s him, then it’s okay._ Forcing my legs open, he brings his head in towards the area between my thighs— certainly not where I was expecting that to go.

“W-what are you doing,” I stammer in embarrassment.

“Well you said that this is one spot that hadn’t been touched before. According to that theory, there should be no problems as long as I manage to stay clear of brushing against the surrounding area.”

“Uhhhhh…” I couldn’t find a response to that. I tried to think of an answer but wasn’t given the chance as he swooped two of his fingers in and rubbed against me without any further hesitation. “Ah-ah-ahhhh,” I cried out in response and leaned against the couch for support. It was a shocking sensation that had much more feeling than any other part of my body. After rubbing on it for a bit and confirming that I wasn’t going to push him away, he brought his lips in in replacement and kissed, licked and sucked on the area through my panties. It was all too much. As a person who was just getting familiar with the sensation of touch, an area like this was sending my receptors through the roof.

“Ah…please,” I desperately begged. “I can’t take it. It’s too much.”

“I know this is a lot, but that’s why I’m doing it over your underwear, so that the feeling will be less intense and you can get used to it this way before we really come into contact.”

_It gets even **more** intense than this!? _

Christian reached his hand up and took hold of mine, seeming to tell me to hang in there. With the feeling of having someone I love to be there to be with me, I bore with the gentle strokes of his tongue on my most protected region. My vagina had become so aroused from all of the foreplay that it was pulsating in need. Having not been given much attention in its lifetime, it was so easily stimulated. The wetness started to soak through my underwear as he kept prodding me. Clearly, it was enjoying all of this first time attention. 

Legs furiously shaking, I felt a mass amount of heat gather into one central spot around where he was licking. I had enough of the teasing. “I…think I’m okay now to try…having full contact.”

Smirking in satisfaction, he says “I knew it wouldn’t be a problem,” and pulls my underwear to the side with his finger, exposing the area. He then kisses the outer skin slightly away from the lips. “Is this what you meant?” he poked fun at me as he glanced upwards.

I stared at him with agitation. “N-no. On the inside.”

 Smirking confidently and looking me dead in the eye, he says “Don’t worry. Dr. Grey knows how to handle this situation.”

Finally letting me feel relief, he licked my labia from the bottom till the very top. I shivered in pleasure. The heat in my core gathered together in an even more centralized area. _What is this feeling? What’s happening?_ I asked myself as he continued to move his tongue up and down, then in circles and side to side. Sucking softly as his tongue stroked up and down, a tingling sensation built up rapidly on the spot. “Ah, ah, ah,” I cried out as my hips lifted and buckled. Standing up, he replaced his mouth with his fingers and brought his face to my ear. Swirling his fingertips around me, he whispered hoarsely “Cum Anastasia. You need to do this. Don’t hold it in,” then started to kiss and tug on my earlobe with his teeth, and I could hear his heavy breathing as he, too, was getting more and more aroused by my outcries. The free arm hugged the side of my body, pulling me in close to him.

_Cum? What? How do I do that?_

“Ahhhhhhh…” my body naturally obeyed his command. I felt all of the heat release in one, slow and mind blowing experience. _What? What is this?_ A sudden desire to hold onto him came over me. My arms wrapped around him, and fingers clenched onto his skin tight as the feeling continued to dissipate. He watched my face as I did, and his expression seemed to match mine as the sensuality of my orgasm brought him closer to his limit. The experience was absolutely mind blowing and my hips wouldn’t stop shaking in response.

It was my first orgasm. Touching myself there always seemed so dirty after my stepfather had disgusted me with the thought of that area being touched. Now, I finally understood what it was that people actually do to relieve themselves. 

As I came down from it, he caringly kissed me on the lips to show his affection. “Looks like round one of the treatment is complete,” he stated, bangs dripping with sweat as he sat down beside me.

“Round…one? How… many rounds are there?” It was difficult for me to speak as I was still trying to fight the drowning feeling of the orgasm that was shockingly still affecting me and making everything go more numb. _So this is what an orgasm is like, huh? If only I had known earlier…I would have sought treatment for it ages ago…_

“Too many to count.”

His declaration made the heat that just managed to leave my body start to build up again. _What could he mean by that? What else is left other than my legs and getting me to go all the way?”_ Curiosity started to get the best of me.

Clearly not done, he gave me the okay. “By the way. _Now,_ you can touch me.”

Breathing in with joy, my hands found their way to his chest as soon as he sat back down on the couch as I was ravenous for more after that experience. The need for pressing myself against him only increased with the release. _I wonder if he realizes that that was my first orgasm?_ I was far too embarrassed to ask.

Kissing him in gratitude and pretending as if nothing extraordinary just occured, I explored the area. The softness of his skin never ceased to amaze me. My lips also crept their way down to get their chance at feeling this perfect human. In a moment of bold, passionate feeling, I pressed my chest up against his and rubbed all over him. He hissed between his teeth from the strong feeling of pleasure as I trailed my kisses lower and lower while making my upper body touch all over him. Obviously, he had already been too aroused from our foreplay as well.  

I wanted to take my sweet time and explore every inch of him again, making him moan and crumble to pieces by my touch, but it seemed he was already too eager to be able to stand through that. _Next time,_ I thought as I made it to his pants line. A huge, twitching bulge meeting with me. Feeling a bit hesitant to proceed to the new area, I slowly removed his pants along with his boxers, and Christian stiffened in surprise, not having expected me to try it out that quickly without his order. His erection flipped up as the clothes slid off of him, so large that it swung around in circles before me. Blushing, I looked away.  

Something that I had not told him before was that this certainly was the most difficult of the body parts for me to get near, much more than other people. Too ashamed of my past, I didn’t want to admit to having been sexually harassed. Revealing my domestic violence experience had already been too difficult at the time. My stepfather had instilled fear in me of this part from his threats of using it against me one day. Although young, I had educated myself on the matters of sex after suspicions arose from my stepfather’s behavior. Knowing what it would mean for me, I couldn’t ever let it happen. That’s why when he came at me in a suggestive way that time, I was prepared for it— no thanks to parental or school education of course. If I wasn’t, it could have ended up a lot worse.

The day that he used his weapon against me never had the chance to come, but it did implant the fear of it within me forever. The only interaction I ever had with that part was one of something to be afraid of and to stay as far away from as I possibly could. Thinking of having to touch him one day made me feel disgusted and dirty. Therefore, a general distaste for any kind of human touch whatsoever developed. Since touching only disturbed me in theory, being touched was far worse for I had to experience the horror of it firsthand.

I didn’t want to admit it to Christian, but looking at his reproductive organ, I couldn’t help but to see it as a weapon as well. But as I already decided before, I didn’t want to continue to let that accursed man be in my head. As my hands had already been on Christian’s before and nothing bad happened, maybe I could be alright. With strong hesitation, I reached my hand forward and took hold of it. _If I can just see the goodness of it, then maybe I can change my mind. Isn’t that what this session is all about? Fixing my soured ideas about sex?_

As I massaged him up and down, his head flew back and sweat began to drip off of his bangs. Finally, the face that I had been dreaming about was exposed to me as he squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his teeth together. Observing his beautiful face, the face of the one I love, as it moved and twisted in pleasure brought me such joy. The sounds he made were so incredibly cute too, it made me crazy. But on the other hand, there was still a demon within myself that I was fighting. Shaking from my discomfort, I tried to focus on his reactions to keep me distracted. He was painstakingly hot after all.

Trembling, I enclosed my mouth over his tip. “Hngh,” he squeezed his eyes shut harder and grabbed onto the couch with such force that it almost tore it. As I moved up and down, he reached his hand down and soothed me by rubbing the top of my head. The action was so loving and so different from how I was used to being treated. When I had imagined sex before it always seemed like a dark thing. Not really something that you were supposed to enjoy or want. Experiencing it with Christian over these past few days has opened my eyes to see how it’s a wonderful thing that you should desire and find pleasure in. Something that could be done for you and not just for the sake of the man or woman trying to overpower you. Of course, in true love people do it for each other, so both end up satisfied. Just the same as Christian and I have been doing now. 

I wanted nothing more than to make him feel good, but tears began to pour from my eyes as I tried to keep taking him further into me. Even though I was trying so hard, I found the action to be too overwhelming. The love that he was showing me was too kind, and it made me so emotional to realize the difference of being treated the right way. On top of that, the fear stuck with me which made me angry. I just wanted to let that tenderness in and enjoy making the person that I love happy, but the memories prevented that from completely happening. The mix of anger, fear, and joy together caused me to start balling. As I gave him head, I just sobbed into his dick like an idiot. 

“Huh?” he looked forward, noticing my tears. Immediately, he removed himself from my mouth. “Anastasia what’s wrong!?” he asked frantically, kneeling in front of me and gently pulling my face up to meet his. Stroking the side of my head, he studied my eyes carefully.

“It’s just—” I attempted to speak through my tears.

“Just what? What happened!? Did I hurt you? Did I push you too far? Tell me!” He was so panicked. My pain seemed to hurt and distress him yet again.

Seeing his caring and loving behavior only made me cry more. “No,” I sobbed. “You did nothing wrong. In fact, quite the opposite.”

“Then what? What’s the matter!?”

It was then that I confessed everything that had happened in the past between me and my stepfather. I told him that I was sorry for not telling him earlier, and he reiterated that if he was to be able to properly treat me then I would have to let him know every little important detail like that. Although I knew that, I still withheld the information from him because of my never ending shame. 

“Do you think you would be able to sit on my lap?” he asked. “I want to hold you.”

Unsure, I nodded my head and then closed my eyes. Crawling forward, I managed to rest on top of him. Emotionally I wanted to receive that feeling of being comforted again so badly that I was able to push through the fear of a new spot experiencing contact.

After getting on his lap, he encased his arms around me. It was even more fantastic than the last time. My perpetual loneliness faded into a mere shadow. “Anastasia,” he called for my attention. “I want to show you even more what being touched with love is like. I’m going to do what’s called cognitive behavioral therapy.”

“Cognitive...behavioral therapy?”

“M-hm. It basically means bringing out the bad memories and replacing them with good ones. Essentially it’s what I’ve already been doing with you, but I’m going to kick it up a notch. It may seem terrible at first, but I’m going to handle your thighs in the exact way that that terrible man did, only this time, I’ll be doing it with wholehearted, sincere intentions meant to make you feel good and show you my love. I think that will be a good way for you to see the difference, and finally kick out that horrid image you have from your mind.” 

Shaking nervously, I decide to put my faith in him and accept his request. With my approval, he lowers his hand on top of my thigh. Flinching at the contact, I whimpered and buried my head into his shoulder. As I waited for a moment, I realized that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

Upon seeing my reaction, he grips onto my side tightly with his adjacent arm, lays a kiss on the top of my head, and reassures me “If it gets to be too much for you, just let me know. But do try to hang on the best that you can and push through it.”

“Okay,” I accept shyly as I peek my head out, just wanting to get it over with.

His hand begins to steadily move in an upwards direction towards the center of my hips. Bad feelings from the past resurface yet again, and I shove my face deeper into his chest and squeeze my fingers onto his shoulder. To that he reacts by moving his other arm up and around my upper body, planting another gentle kiss onto my forehead. “It’s okay. It’s just me,” he softly affirms my doubts. Running his finger up and down my arm, he sooths me the best that he can while still continuing up my leg. “I love you Anastasia. I just want to be able to get closer to you and to know all parts of you that nobody else does. Nothing bad will happen, and I will never do anything you dislike or don’t want. I’m me, and he is him. Two different people. Our touch is not the same.”

As he spoke, I could see the meaning through his actions. The way his fingers caressed my skin was so gentle and soft. It was far different than the rough, forceful, and creepy manner that scum bag did it in. Slowly, the memory of his lewd touch was replaced by Christian’s warmth. Tears fell from my eyes once more, and he removed his hand from me right away.

“No. Don’t stop,” I demanded.

“What? But you’re crying!” He sounded so upset once again as he gently wiped away my tears with his thumb.

“Yes. They’re tears of happiness.” 

Staring wide eyed at me for a few seconds, his face returned to a relieved smile. “I’m glad to hear that.”

Deciding to do as I asked, he gently caressed my thigh as he held me in his arms and rested his face upon my head.  

We sat there like that for about ten minutes. I wanted to be sure that the memory completely faded before moving on. Feeling satisfied knowing that I had become completely comfortable with anything Christian was going to do to me, I decided to pick up the pace again by kissing him on the lips. All of the love and emotions I was feeling toward him turned into a fit of passion. I just wanted him as close to my body as possible.

Wrapping my arms around his neck, still kissing his lips, I turned over to face him so that I was resting directly on top of his crotch. The rubbing movement caused it to twitch and rise again in response. Shoving him down onto the couch, I told him “I love and trust you so much, and I’d finally like to prove it by giving my everything to you.” 

Rocking my body up and down, I rubbed all over him to turn him on. Thankfully, it worked better than I anticipated. His breathing became ridiculously heavy and he squeezed my sides, trying to find some way to control his burning desire. His erection was back in full form now. He breathed out “Anastasia. I want you right now.”

Flipping me over at the speed of light, he got on top of me and ran his hand through my bangs, caressing my forehead as we passionately went at each other’s mouths in rapid, forceful kisses. Although the way his tongue flicked around me was so aggressive, there was still something so dutifully gentlemanly about it. When I was treated in this way, I thought my whole heart would melt. The two of us kissed and touched all over the others body, not missing a single spot, for that would be an unfortunate loss.

He grabbed me from the ankles yet again, examining my face carefully to make sure that it really would be okay this time before moving upwards. When I called out in pleasure instead, he knew he would be fine to stroke his hands up to my knee, then across my thigh in his own personal way. He took some time to feel and admire my legs, rubbing his face and sending his kisses all over them. Going straight down to the golden spot yet again, he licked and taunted me all over it before reaching for a condom that he had secretly stored under the couch.

It was then that I came to a sudden, but deep realization now that the moment was directly presented to me. 

“Are you…sure you want somebody like me?” I asked as he prepared himself.

“What,” he panted, out of breath. “What do you mean?”   

“You know…I’ve been dirtied by that man. You deserve better than someone like that. Someone like me. I don’t want you to make the mistake of making me your first.”

Because of the disturbing things that happened to me as a child, I never felt pure and worthy enough of being able to be with another person. That was the last problem that I was still battling within my mind, which I hadn’t thought about until all the others were out of the way.

Staring at me with clear shock, he bent back down over me. “Don’t you _ever_ think for a minute that that’s true.” He was so serious as he said it that it almost frightened me. It was enough to shut me up right away.

Looking fiercely into my eyes, he continued “No matter what happened in your past, it does not carry to you now. Furthermore, whatever some sicko did to you does not show on your character, just his. I don’t care what happened, it does not make you any different. You’re still the same, beautiful, and pure person you have always been. If I really had a problem with it, I wouldn’t have done everything that I had up until now.”

Touching me deeply, I only fell more in love with him. Hearing this man retract my lifelong self-doubts, I wanted to cry again, but stopped myself. Too many times today my tears got in the way of something good. “I just…suddenly started to feel bad about ruining you because of my selfish desires. You’re a man worthy of so much better than a dirtied girl.”

Ignoring my seemingly ridiculous statement, he bit the top of the condom wrapper and tore it off with his teeth. Taking it out, he unraveled it over his hard on and prepared for entering my body. “I’ll show you just how much ‘worth’ you truly have to me.”

Holding onto my hip with his left hand, he placed his tip at the center of my opening. “No,” I tried to stop him by pushing my arm forward, but my answer was not confident and he could sense it. Too lost in lust, he paid no attention to my refusal and pushed ever so slightly inside of me, struggling a bit to get it in as it was his first time too.

I let out a gasp. The warm feeling now going in somewhere that had never felt any kind of touch it in its entire life, let alone fifteen years. It was incredibly arousing and I wanted it so bad, yet part of me still stubbornly tried to refuse.

Leaning back over me, he came in close to my face and held the side of my head in his palm. “If it hurts just let me know and I will stop.” The sincerity of his words sent a wave of heat throughout my body. The feeling was making it harder and harder to try to stop him.

Pushing deeper into me, I could feel myself stretching around his much larger member. It was a mix of pain and pleasure. Being that my insides were so wet from all of the foreplay, he slid very easily into me despite the difference in size. “No,” I groaned weakly. “You’ll….get….dirty…” My words were spoken between breaths, so difficult to get out amongst the incredible feelings of passion spreading through me.

“Ahhh,” he exhaled as he slid further into me, squeezing my body tighter in response to the pleasure he was trying to hold in. “You are… not dirty,” he struggled to say as pleasure was drowning him. “And so you should not be afraid of dirtying others with your touch. You should have told me earlier that that’s what you were afraid of this whole time.” Kissing across my jawline and up to my ear, he nipped at my lobes. “You weren’t dirty before, but I’m not so sure about that after I’m going to be finished with you.” 

His sexy whisper made me shutter. I clenched onto his shoulder as I gasped for air. “No,” I still tried to refuse, but my voice was now so low that it was almost inaudible. In response to that, he only began to suck harder. Against my will, I couldn’t help but to cling onto him more. “Hngh,” I cried at the multitude of wonderful sensations. His hips were at a standstill as he gave time for me to open up more and adjust to him.

“You _sure_ you don’t want this?”

“Ah, um…”The incredible feeling of joining with the person that you love was crushing. It was so wonderful that I just wanted to accept all of him and allow myself to enjoy the moment. On the other hand, because I loved him, I was overwhelmed by the feeling of not wanting to destroy him. I wanted so much better for him than me.

Being indecisive yet again, his face leaned in towards me once more. I blocked his lips, and my fiery hot fingertips were met with his kisses. Instead of taking the hint to desist, he in turn sucked on each and every one of my fingers. Soft caresses fluttered across my palms, and my cheeks turned red at the sensual experience.

Beginning to move his lower region again, he whispered once more into my ear “I love you and everything about you. Don’t ever forget that.” Going in circular motions, he wriggled his way further up my hips. The erotic and caring movements made me whimper in ecstasy. His words rang in my head, making my mind go blank and unaware of anything else happening around me. My feelings for him became too powerful, and I pushed out both of my arms into his chest, struggling to escape. _I can’t do this to him. He’s too good for me._ Still, he wouldn’t let me go. 

“Mm..ahh,” I nearly screamed out as he thrust all the way in. A shot of pain piercing through me. “I-It hurts,” I whimpered as tears started to well up in my eyes from the hormones raging through me, as well as from the sharp, foreign pain.

Surprisingly, upon hearing that, he stopped everything he was doing, even though all of my previous words were just unable to go through. Shaking from lust, he caressed the side of my face anyway and asked lovingly “Are you okay? Do you need me to stop?” 

Now faced with the question, I had no idea how to answer. “I-I don’t know.” Now directly offered the chance to stop and save him forever, I didn’t want to fight it anymore. _I struggled so hard to get him to quit, and now that he has, I feel so upset about it._

“Okay then. I’ll try pushing in a few more times. Just let me know again if the pain becomes unbearable rather than better.” Without hesitation, he slowly moved up and down again and in gentle circles.

I winced at the discomfort, but tried to bear it. All of the endorphins building up in my brain from my love for him started to numb the pain. Each new thrust hurt a little less than the last. Finally, all of the suffering had dissipated and an enormous wave of pleasure crashed through me. 

“I’m sorry, but this is the way I’ve realized I have to do it,” he breathed hotly into my skin. “No matter what you say, I’ll show you that with me, it’s different. Don’t wrongly say that you don’t want to anymore, when I know you really do.” Taking my hand gently in his, he continues to push into me again and again, first slowly, then with increased speed.

Shivering faintly with fear and hesitation at first, I weakly push against him with my free hand. That strength gets even weaker as his tender kisses and passionate thrusts fill me with a pleasure greater than I ever imagined. His hips providing a world of enjoyment that I never knew existed. The tender and loving brushing of his lips against my skin calming me into a state of relaxation. Instantly, I was transported away from the clinic, and into an island of paradise. 

He could feel my change in attitude as I relaxed my hold on him, no longer fighting against it. With that, he lifted his head up and looked into my face at my transforming expression, now showing nothing but mind-blowing satisfaction and ease. Seeing that change, his bottom lip quivered in happiness, and he smiled brightly.

Looking into his radiant face, I couldn’t help but smile back. The love that we felt for each other was made known by the way that we stared into one another eyes.

Lowering his lips steadily down onto mine, he pressed them against me a couple times before pulling up on my bottom lip slowly, then releasing it. Moving under my chin, I lifted it up to grant him access and called out “Ah,” as he followed down my neck line, still slamming harder and harder into me.    

Now fully relaxed, I was able to indulge myself in the moment. Not a single thing on my mind, or a recollection from my past taking the chance at this experience away from me. With the memory of my stepfather now exiled from my mind, it was filled instead with Christian’s love. _What a wonderful thing he took away from me,_ was my last thought before falling into a mindless bliss.


	17. Chapter 17

Upon finishing our love making, we laid down on the couch together. We had finished up the first round, shortly after, with a couple orgasms powerful enough to make us want to go in for another. It was my first time having sex after all, which made me a little addicted and crazy. Lying halfway on his chest, head just under his chin, I was held up by his left arm that was swung around my side. We talked for a while, just taking the chance to get to know each other a little more after such an intimate activity.

“Now that I’m able to touch every inch of your body, that means that I can finally take you dancing on the harbor,” Christian turned his head to me and smiled after spending a good amount of time talking about the previous hour’s activities and our feelings for one another.

“But how?” I asked. “We haven’t learned any particular dance.”

“Well that just means we will have to then!”

He was so confident and sure of himself as if learning a dance was something easy that one could do on a whim. _Seriously, what’s he thinking?_

“Hey learning a new dance isn’t that easy, especially if it requires being in sync and in perfect harmony with a partner. I would know. Kate is an avid fan of dance and I’ve watched her practice so many times.” _Not that she’s the **best** dancer in the first place. Buuuut nobody has to know that.  _

“I know. I was once part of a dance team myself. When I was younger my father admitted me into multiple types of dance courses hoping that one day I could be some sort of pop star or something and earn him more money. No matter how much fame and cash he earned, it was never enough for him. It was like the more he got the greedier he became. Unfortunately, I truly did enjoy dancing, but not if it was for my father’s sake, so I quit. We had a huge argument about it. But unless he dragged me there and moved me like a puppet, there was nothing that he could do.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” I tried to comfort him as I stroked the side of his face with the back of my fingers as he had done for me before. My movements were awkward and choppy as I was still getting used to the comforting other people with physical affection thing. Just like a baby, I had to learn how to do these things from observing other people all over again. It was going to take some time before I was able to behave like a normal adult human. “I hope that having to dance with me won’t make you uncomfortable. I definitely don’t want to force you to do something that’s going to bring up bad memories and old causes of grief. We don’t have to go dancing after all.”    

“Nah,” he smiled at me as he shook his head. “I told you I actually really used to enjoy it, so being able to do it again for myself as well as for you will be like a dream come true. I always wanted to get back at it someday. Looks like now is a better time than ever.”

“Then I’m glad to hear that.”

Turning over to face him now, the two of us just stroked each other in silence for a minute before continuing on with our conversation.

“So what dance should we learn and where should we practice?” I spoke up again, breaking the silence.

“Well, that’s the thing,” he smirked. “I knew all along that someday soon you would be getting over your phobia, so I’ve been choreographing my own dance for us to perform.”

“What!? You’ve been planning it this whole time under the assumption that it would be happening soon? You had that much faith in me!?”

“Of course,” he smiled. “You’re a strong and amazing woman after all. There was no doubt in my mind.”

His kind words made me blush, even though it should seem like nothing compared to what we just did. “Well what kind of dance is it and to what song?”

“You’ll just have to wait and find out!”

“Hey come on! That’s not fair,” I whined. “I’ll have to know anyway if we are going to practice it! Speaking of which…where _are_ we going to practice?”

“Hm,” he thought for a moment. “That is a problem. I was thinking either here or at your place.”

“Mine? Although that’s fine, why not yours? Something wrong with it?”

“Well...truth be told…I’m still living with my father. Since I only opened up the clinic recently, I never had enough money to move out. My father also wanted to keep me in the house for his reputation. It hasn’t been much of a big deal though since we sleep in completely separate wings. I practically never run into him. But, that also still doesn’t mean that I want to risk him seeing you if I brought you over. I have no idea how he would react to it.”

“Oh…I see…” I trailed off for a minute, thinking about what to say. “I’m sorry you’ve had to stay in that hell hole for so long. It must have been hard on you, even though you didn’t see your father much. Just having that there to remind you of everything everyday has got to suck. I can’t imagine what it would have been like for me if we had remained in the house that I stayed in with my stepfather all this time.”

“Such is life they say. Oh well,” he flicked his wrist. “I’ll be moving out sometime soon. I’ve racked up a good savings for myself. Besides, since opening up the clinic I’ve pretty much just turned it into my apartment. Most days I just stay over here so that I don’t even have to bother dealing with him. Sad thing is he hasn’t even realized that I’ve been gone.”

“Seriously!? You stay in your clinic!?” my head shot up, and I rested on top of my elbow to look at him.

_My god…that’s so sad. He doesn’t even have a real home so he’s made his workplace into one. Well, guess that finally explains why this place always seemed so much like an apartment to me…_

He just laughs. “You make it sound like it’s such a terrible thing. But really, the place is nice and I have everything I need. Plus, it’s closer to the university than my father’s mansion. Feels no different than having a dorm to me, except a little quieter and lonelier without the roommates.”

I had no words. Everything that came to mind just didn’t seem like the right thing to say. 

  “But anyway,” he continues. “Enough about that. I just realized I know of a good dance studio where we can rent a private room and practice. How about we head there every night and I’ll teach you the choreography? It can be a part of your exposure therapy. Getting you comfortable doing a sport that practically requires the most physical contact out of all of them!”

“Seriously? They have places like that? I never knew!” The excitement made me forget about trying to console him. “That sounds awesome! But I am still hesitant, considering I just started to get over my phobia. I can’t imagine I’ll be the best and free flowing dancer in the world. I’ll probably end up just being like a straight piece of wood that you toss around...”

Christian burst out in laughter as he pictured that in his mind. “It doesn’t matter. The point is to have fun! Who cares what you look like! Besides, I have a feeling you’ll make an amazing dancer anyway,” he gives me a wink. 

“If you say so,” I roll my eyes and give in, now having nightmares about the upcoming horror that would be me trying to dance with a partner again for the first time in fifteen years. _At least I practiced solo dancing with Kate on the occasion and managed to get that part relatively down._

 

Having come home pretty late, Kate was really suspicious about what had transpired between the two of us. I tried to sneak away, but her hold on me was too strong. I had to tell her everything. Overly ecstatic about my loss of virginity as if it was something to celebrate, she did just as so. Literally turned it into a celebration. She ran out and bought pizza and beer, and we later got drunk off of a bottle of wine. It was a good thing that there was no morning class for me because I was up far too late to have been able to go. The crazy woman even came back with a party popper and blew it into my face. Naturally, I just stared at her with an unamused expression while she grinned way too largely and danced around. Of course, she wasn’t going to let me get away with running off and dancing with Christian but not her, so we drunkenly tried to partner dance to some wild pop music. The alcohol made the contact with her a bit easier, what with inhibitions having gone down the drain and all. I still found it more difficult to touch people other than Christian. Those that I had contact with the most number of times were the easiest to touch without much hesitation. Soon, Kate would hopefully become one of those people. Still, the bond that Christian and I now shared was one that could never be matched.

 

Coming to school wearing a pair of shades and a black hoody with my hair tucked in, I was hoping that nobody would be able to recognize me. I received a few stares, but I believed it to only be because wearing sunglasses indoors in the middle of winter was a little unusual. I just didn’t want to have to put up with all the gossip and pointing today. As I walked out of my course on the economics of developing countries, I spotted Jennifer at the end of the hallway. She appeared to be searching for someone. Gasping in fear, I bolted around the corner before she could lay eyes on me. _That was a close one,_ I thought as I sprinted in the opposite direction, trying to circle around her to get to my next class. Not having to see them every morning was a blessing. Thankfully class being postponed came just at the right time before she was able to get any of my contact information. That meant that she had no possible means of harassing me until the next time we met for class— that is, as long as I could continue to not cross paths with her at school.

 

Having made it through class, I found it incredibly difficult to focus. All day my mind kept wandering to thoughts about what Christian and I would be doing next. Tonight we wouldn’t be engaging in our normal therapy session as he decided that taking a break from all of it for a day would be best. So instead, we were just meeting straight away at the dance studio to start working on learning the choreography. He said that getting me fully comfortable with non-sexual contact first would help relax me in that regard later. Although I had earlier agreed, I found it difficult to at the moment. The encounter was so incredible that I just wanted to keep experiencing it over and over. My body craved his heated fingers brushing against my skin, his hot breath whispering sweet nothings into my ear, and the powerful force of his hips between my legs. It had been far better than I ever imagined, and having been deprived of it for so long, it was now all that I wanted to do. All that I could think about.

Lying on my bed at home after returning from my last class, I got even more hot imagining him there with me. Keeping the thoughts at bay all day, it only made the feeling simmer and grow to a boil. Rolling over to my side, I hugged my body in need as if it were him. After touching myself all over, I realized how lonely having never received human contact for fifteen years really was. My own hands just couldn’t provide what others could. Now, I could fully see and understand that difference. 

  _“Today will be the first day of starting sex therapy,”_ the words rang in my ear as if he was saying them to me now. _“Looks like round one of the treatment is complete.”_

That last line that he had spoken was one that I could not get out of my head. When I asked him how many rounds there would be all he responded with was _“Too many to count,”_ with that sly grin of his creeping up on his handsome face. Recalling that, shivers coursed through my body. _“Too many to count.” What could that possibly mean? How many more layers can be left after having had intercourse? Is there something I’m missing? I know I’m not the most aware when it comes to sex, but I have watched porn a couple times before, so I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a good majority of the basic stuff. So…what else is left?”_ Imagining a world of endless possibilities again, I shoved my pillow over the top of my head to bury my hot, perverted face with it.

I had to know, and I had to know now. Springing up, I pulled my laptop off of my writing desk next to the bedside and sat it down on my lap. _Just a quick google search before I have to go._ There wasn’t much time left. I only had an hour to prepare before going out and I still needed to change into my leggings for dance. 

Setting my fingers atop my keyboard, I went to type something, then stopped realizing I had no idea where to begin. _I suppose I could just head onto a porn sight and look at the top viewed. That should give me some indication of what normal people like._ Just typing “porn” into the search bar, thousands of links to different websites popped up. I decided to click on the first one, as it was assumedly the most popular. Going into it, a plethora of boobs and dicks popped up in front of my face. _Jeez what am I doing here,_ I turned my head away shyly. It had been a while since I had gone onto the site. I knew that Kate had been going on this website nearly every night to unwind after getting back from a long day at school, but for me, seeing all that human contact made me cringe. Even if it wasn’t to me directly, I still felt mildly uncomfortable when watching others do it. But not anymore. As I watched the borderline violent and outrageous advertisements fly by, my already feverish body rose to an even higher temperature. _Jeez. Sex here is so much more violent than what I had with Christian. Was our sex not normal? If he had done it like this then I think I would have been afraid of sex and touch forever…_ Swallowing hard, I clicked on a video at the top of the list.

Taking my time to watch a few videos, I was so entranced yet horrified at the same time. _Man, they really do treat women terribly in these videos sometimes. This is everything that my professor was talking about. Ironically, it seems this really has been a good learning experience for me rather than just an attendance to my sexual agenda,_ I chuckled out loud. _Hm…_ _is **that** what he meant by other rounds of sex? Having it in these ways? Then again, he argued against a lot of this in class...so…Gah! Who knows! All this research has done is make me more confused! I’ll just have to wait and find out. _

Thinking about having to wait even longer made me groan. It would be difficult enough even making it another half hour without doing something, let alone another day or more. Feeling agitated, I decided to watch a couple more videos _._ Although some were so terrible, I found myself oddly addicted, unable to turn away from them. I steered away from the violent ones which I found to be majorly unpleasant and triggering, and found the few in existence that were somewhat gentle and romantic. Getting more and more engrossed into the film, I started to imagine Christian in place of the man on the screen doing those things to me instead. The need for him only increased with this action. Stumbling across a scene from a gay movie, I clicked on that, interested to see if there was any difference. Oddly, I found it to be quite enjoyable as there was a focus on the male for once, as well as actually attractive men and plot lines highly likely developed by females. _Wow. I wonder if I could make Christian react like that…_

Watching some more, I found another positive to be that without any women to be abused, it was easy for me to relax and just sit back and enjoy it. When the boy **was** abused a little, it caused me to feel a connection to him. For the first time, I saw and viewed males as non-abusive and able to be on the other side. That helped my fear of men as being nothing but overpowering and dominant start to fade. It was particularly entrancing and sucking me in. _What if a woman was on the opposite role as well…_ I drifted off into the thought _._

“Man,” I sighed after it finished. _I thought watching this stuff was supposed to help. All it did is make everything worse._ Despite the problem, I still wanted to click on another video, but my eyes flashed down to the right hand, bottom corner where the time was displayed. “Shit, I’ve gotta get ready!” I bounced up off of my bed, slamming my laptop shut after hurriedly exiting out of the page.

Rushing into my workout clothes, the rubbing of the tights against my enflamed lower region only made things worse. _Oh yeah. That reminds me. In these kinds of situations people usually do something to themselves to relieve this feeling don’t they? Like Christian helped me do last time?_ Unfortunately, there was no time left for that and I just had to carry on with the rest of my day the best that I could.

 

After receiving the address via text, I made it to the dance studio right on time despite my earlier set back. Walking over to the room he told me he was in, it appeared that I wasn’t the only one that had dressed in disguise today. He was wearing a long, blonde wig and some sunglasses with a black, hooded rain coat. If it wasn’t for the fact that he was standing right in front of the door to the room we were renting out, I wouldn’t have even recognized him.

“Professional disguise man I see,” I whispered to him as I walked up.

“Who me?” he asked, pointing his finger to his chest. “No I’m Chad! Just your average surfing, dancing, hippie!”

His joke was an obvious play on his long, blonde hair. “Okay then, shall we head inside Chrisitan— or, Mr. ‘Chad’,” I shook my head and laughed as we headed inside the room.

“Christian? Who’s Christian?” he continued to play dumb, looking all around the room as if looking for the mentioned person. “I told you, I am Chad! Chad the _magnificent_!” he uttered the last word with a strange accent and did a little stylistic pose that ended with a finger snap.

“For a guy with such a serious face all the time, you sure do like to joke around,” I rolled my eyes and giggled at him.

“Can’t help but do it when I see a pretty girl laugh,” he winks, removing his items of impersonation.

“Ba-dump.”

No matter how many times he winked at me or gave me a compliment, it never failed to make my heart flutter. Now especially was not a good time given the mood that I was in.

Getting settled in, I couldn’t help but stare at the fantastic way his body moved while he was showing me the dance. He was wearing some casual grey sweatpants with a black wife beater that showed off his slender, toned arms that I loved so much. Each movement he made was so sharp and precise. One could tell that he had a lot of dance experience. It amazed me that he was still so skillful considering he hadn’t practiced in a long time. _Is there anything that this man **isn’t** good at? _I wondered.  

“So what’d you think of it?” he asked, snapping me out of my idiotic stare. Truth be told I was paying more attention to him than the dance.

“That was seriously amazing!” I exclaimed. “The movements went with the lyrics so well! You’re one talented choreographer, as well as a dancer! It’s so good that the problem is I have no idea how _I’m_ going to do it,” I held my head low, unsure of my ability to match his.

“Nonsense! With my amazing teaching skills, I’ll have you trained up and ready to go in no time! Nobody will ever be able to tell that you used to have problems with touching others when I’m done with you!”

“Ba-dump.”

_I’d like for him to be done with me in other ways right now…_

Moving past my insecurities, he came forward to show me how to do the movements. As he stood behind me and took hold of my shoulders, I gasped and tensed up in response. He seemed to take it as a sign of fear rather than one of enjoyment.

“Are you okay?” he turned his head around my side to look me in the face.

“Ha, ha. Yeah! I’m fine!” I awkwardly laughed, trying to hide my true feelings.

“Okay, well as usual let me know if you’re not,” he told me as he slid his hands down to mine, fingers brushing lightly against my arms on their way. The action made me shutter.

“Mhm,” I muttered without opening my mouth. My body was so sensitive because of the thoughts I had all day and the videos getting me all riled up. Dancing would be difficult.

He directed my body through the movement like a puppet, placing me in certain positions to show me how to hold the stance. Getting controlled and moved around by him in a non-violent way was so comforting somehow. I didn’t want it to end.

After showing me the beginning steps, we thought we’d try it together. I turned to face him, and he took my hands. All of the touching from before had me dizzy. Looking down to avoid his sexy face, my eyes drifted to the bulge in his pants. _Before I was so upset that I couldn’t concentrate on making him feel good. I wonder how much I could make him moan if I actually tried? I’d love to see that gorgeous face of his twist and turn in pleasure as I fulfilled his fantasies…just like the boys in those last videos. A face that only I was allowed to see. I want to hear him gasp and cry out because of me. Last time I only got a few glimpses of his face, but I wonder what other kind of expressions he could make? Exactly how he looks when he cums—_

“Anastasia are you okay? You seem a little limp,” Christian pushed me at arm’s length away from him and examined my face. He quit dancing in fear that he was making me too uncomfortable.

“Hm?” I looked up at him, face in a daze and sweat running down my forehead as well as the back of my neck. My body was going numb because my temperature had risen so high in lust.

“If this is too much for you we can definitely stop. I didn’t realize it would be so difficult. You seemed to be so comfortable with regular touch before.” 

_Touch… I need…touch… so many years I went without it…_ “No. No. I’m definitely fine,” I shook my head, voice weak from the heat.

“If you insist,” he said, unsure of himself.

Moving along, we kept dancing for a bit. He came behind me again to show me how I wasn’t holding my neck up straight enough. “Here, keep it up like this,” he took hold of the back of my head, and his fingertips swept lightly across the sweaty skin on my neck.

“Ah--,” I accidentally moaned out, unable to hold back in the heat of the moment.  

“Hm?” he peered around to my face, finally realizing that something was up. Paying close attention to my expression, he continued to run his hands down to the bottom of my neck. Losing all ability to contain myself, I continued to sigh out as he moved across my body, my face not being able to hide the pleasure that I was feeling at all. Christian instantly figured out what had been wrong with me the whole time. “Oh…I see. So _that’s_ how it is,” he slyly sang as he started to move his hands from the bottom of my neck down to my chest.

Gasping and falling back into him, I felt myself go weak at the knees and it was difficult to continue holding myself up. Grabbing ahold of my breasts and kissing down my nape, he caused me to no longer be able to support myself, and as I dropped to the ground, he held me up by his hold on my chest and slowly sank down with me. By this point I was nothing but a sweaty pile of goo, unable to move much for myself. He continued to toy with my breasts and I panted out, each breath getting louder and louder.

“Shall we head over to my clinic?” he murmured into my ear. His voice was now hoarse, having been turned on by the realization that he had been affecting me so much this whole time. “I want to grab you and make sure every part of you gives off this kind of reaction, then when it does, thrust into you so deeply that you crumble from my touch right now. But...,” he sighed into my neck. “Here is not the place.”

Barely able to form a conscious thought after that last line he spoke, I tried my best to nod in agreement.

 

 

After what felt like decades, we made it over to his clinic. The car ride was long and silent even though the building was only about a ten minute drive from the studio. The whole way there he kept stroking my face and the back of my head with his fingers, making sure to keep me tuned out until we were able to make it over. All of the touching made me dizzy.

Unlocking the door and flicking on the lights, it was the most dead and dark I had ever seen the place. He wasted no time in leading me over to his room. As soon as we made it inside, he didn’t even bother to turn on the lights as he picked me up by the bottom of my thighs and threw me up against the wall, just lightly enough that it didn’t create an impact. “Hah—,” I moaned as he pulled up my hands, kissing me passionately and pinning them down.

We went at each other like crazy. It felt as if I really had completely been cured, because nothing frightened me at all. I just trusted so much that no matter what he did, he would never actually try to do anything to hurt me. It was amazing how I had learned to have such faith in him despite knowing how easy it was for a person to change. I didn’t know what it was, but something about his aura let me know that he was safe. It was just so different from that of my stepfathers that I knew that it had to be true. _Maybe in ways he’s more like the gentle boy in that video that I could relate to…the kind that I never knew existed…_

Lifting me back up and carrying me over to the couch, he set me down on the side then started shuffling around with it. I was curious as to what he could possibly be doing, but my question was answered as soon as he pulled out an attachment underneath the sofa. In an instant, the couch that I had always sat on for therapy transformed into a bed.

Staring me straight in the eye, he announces seductively, “Welcome to sex therapy, Anastasia.”

My breathing came to a halt.

Walking over and picking me up once more, he tossed me on top of the bed and crawled over me. Removing all of my clothes, as well as his, he proceeded to kiss and touch every inch of my body, taking his time to lick me slowly and steadily with the tip of his tongue, especially over my legs and the areas that I was newly becoming comfortable with. I was shattering beneath him, my mind completely disconnected from the rest of the world. I was lost in his touch. Prisoner to his lips.

“I want you,” I finally moaned out, grabbing onto him with what little strength I had left.

Feeling him intake a sudden short breath of air, his penis twitched in response, so close to the place it would soon be entering. His forehead became sweaty again from my more than average responses today.

Adjusting our position to slide in more easily, he pushed into my body. It went much more smoothly than yesterday. The feeling of him gliding through me sent pings of pleasure from the area all the way up my back and to my face. It was so warm. Much more than any of his other body parts. That wonderful feeling of human skin that I recently became aware of was now enveloping the inside of my body.

  Making it all the way through with ease, he fully entered all of himself into me, hitting my G-spot in one try. “Ah,” I loudly cried out. As he steadily moved up and down, I began to whimper from the amazing feeling that was becoming far too much for me to handle.

At that he increased his speed, slamming harder and harder into me. There was a great feeling of comfort in the changing temperature down there, taking away my fear of the cold. I wrapped my arms around his neck tight and continued to cry out in ecstasy, my volume becoming louder the faster he moved. “I love you Anastasia,” he breathed into me.

“I love you too,” I cried, now forming tears of joy.

Kissing around my face, then onto my lips, he started to slow down his movements, getting too close to his breaking point. He then pulled out of me, and I looked at him with puppy dog eyes, wondering why he stopped.

“Turn around,” he commanded.

“Hm?” I was a bit confused, but I did as he said and laid on my stomach. He chuckled slightly, then grabbed me by the hips and lifted me up.

“I meant on your knees so that we can try doing doggy style you cute girl.”

I was so embarrassed. My knowledge of the different positions and way that people have sex was very small. “Oh…” I looked down to the floor, hiding my face.

Smiling, he says “No need to be embarrassed. It’s adorable and a total turn on,” then sticks himself back into me, holding onto my sides as he goes in and out. The position only allowed him to delve even deeper into me, and I shivered and gasped in surprise. I never expected the other positions to feel different from one another. “Oh god,” I whimpered, grasping onto the sheets of the bed. It was making me become humiliatingly loud, and I bit onto the part where I was holding onto with my teeth to stifle back my cries.

“Don’t… hold your voice back,” he ordered, panting lustfully.

I did as he wished once again and let out an extraordinarily loud wail that would have startled anyone still in the clinic. As he moved, he admired my body. The rippling of my butt, the curvature of my hips, and the smoothness of my skin. But most of all, he enjoyed making the one that he loved feel pleasure that she never had the chance to experience in her life. The joy of being her first, and hopefully the last. The blissful realization of being the one to wash away her pain, filling it over with love. Getting so aroused by my cries, he struggled to hold back, desperately needing to see me fall apart between his hands, scream even louder because of his skill, and orgasm from how much I love him.   

Not quite ready to let go that quickly, he slowed down and came to a stop. “I’m going to try something, and it may be a little crazy, but I think it’s time to move onto another phase of your training.”

“Another phase?” I asked weakly, still drowning in lust.

“If it’s not something you’re up for then let me know. It’s not the conventional way of treating one with exposure therapy, but a method I’ve personally thought of myself. I’ve theorized that it could actually help get you completely over your fears in all aspects.”

“Okay. I understand that, but what is it?” A little annoyed that we were interrupting our love making session when it was just getting good, the topic piqued my interest enough to not be too upset about it. 

 “It’s taking what I was working on with you the last time to the next level. I think seeing the kind of actions you saw being only used for evil now being used in a good way to create pleasure, then that could help your mind let go. It’s risky, but I think it could really work if we are cautious and take care of your mental state while doing it. I’ll start small of course.”

“Actions used for evil… now being used for pleasure? What are you talking about?” My confusion was enough to snap me slightly out of my feverish state and into the real world.

“Well, for example, right now I was thinking of…giving you a light slap on the butt. You know, it’s a mildly violent behavior that is actually commonly performed during sex for pleasure. I thought if you could see how it was coming from me in a loving way, it would help you to be less frightened by such things.”

“You’re going to hit me!?” I squealed

“No, no, of course not,” he spoke in a sweet and hushed tone, grabbing me around my sides and lifting me up to him, pulling me into loving embrace. “It will just be a little tap to see how it feels, and if you’re frightened, I’ll stop and won’t do it again. Of course I would never do anything to deliberately hurt you, or that you would be uncomfortable with. I just want to help you. You know that.”

“…I—”

“Actually, you don’t have to give a response to that just yet,” he interrupted me before I could even say anything. “On second thought, I think it’s far too early to bring in that kind of treatment yet. I was getting a bit ahead of myself in my excitement. We should just have normal, casual sex until you become completely comfortable with that. Then we can start to add other variables after that. This whole treatment process has already progressed far faster than the usual rate. I shouldn’t have even brought it up yet,” he rubbed his forehead and sighed. 

“I…Um…” Thinking about somebody touching me in _that_ kind of a way after just getting used to normal contact really was a bit too much as he said. But, remembering the videos I saw earlier today that demonstrated the exact kind of sex that he was talking about, I felt a strong urge to overcome this problem as soon as possible. It seemed that that kind of stuff being used in sex was normal, and I no longer wanted to not be able to be normal because of my stepfather. “That…does seem like a bit of a stretch. But, I know that you’re good at what you do, and trust you to come up with the best plan. I’m thinking that maybe…”

“…Maybe what?”

“Maybe…I actually am ready to try doing a bit of that today anyway.”

He blinked a few times at my unexpected response. He tried to hide it, but a small and barely noticeable smile crept up on his lips. “Well then…if that’s what you really want. But it really can wait if you’re not ready.” 

He seemed a bit thrilled about it, and I wondered if it was secretly something that he actually enjoyed. If that was the case, then it was all the more reason for me to learn how to do it. I still needed to quench that desire of mine to fulfill his fantasies after all. “It’s okay. I’m sure,” I said with a really determined look and confident tone.

Surprised again, he breathed in and shook his head and smiled. “Alright then.” 

Not wasting another precious moment on talking, he slid himself back into me, and I sighed in relief. Moving in and out, this time he really seemed to be focusing on the rhythm of his hips and making me feel good. He circled round and round in slow, sensual movements. The feeling was good enough to make me forget everything about the conversation we just had. As he got me going, he placed his hand on my right butt cheek, gently stroking it. Knowing what was about to come next, I shuttered.

“It’s okay Anastasia,” he soothed me, noticing my fear. “I’ll be super gentle, you’ll hardly notice it.”

Nodding my head and squeezing my eyes shut, I prepared for impact.

“Tap,” he touched the area light as a feather. It was so gentle that I barely felt it.

“How was that? Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yes, I’m fine,” I assured him, still breathless. It really _was_ nothing. Seemed more like he just placed his hand over me than anything.

“Okay, then I’ll do it a little bit harder this time,” he warned me. “Smack,” his hand hit the same spot again with a bit more force, still not quite rough enough to feel any pain. I flinched in response.

It was then that I started to feel a bit uncomfortable. I started to have second thoughts about letting him do this, and an anxiety attack was coming to the frontline. Having been unsure of what I was feeling, I had no response, and he took that as being okay with it.

“Just remember that I love you,” his hips moved faster, and he hit me again with more force. “Smack.”

My eyes squeezed tighter, and my hands tensed their grip on the bed. He breathed out a long sigh of relief, drooping his head down in satisfaction. Now, he was only throwing himself into me harder.

I tried to bear with it, but tears started to fall from my eyes.

He looked down and saw the drops fall from my cheeks onto the bed sheets, making a small puddle. Immediately, he quit everything he was doing and slipped out of me. “Wait, what!?” he asked in a panic. “I’m sorry I thought you were doing fine,” he collected me in his arms again. Holding me in his lap, my eyes were a fountain of waterworks. He stroked the side of my head and kissed my forehead multiple times. “Please don’t ever pretend and just deal with it Anastasia. You have to let me know as _soon_ as you dislike something, so that it can’t get to this point. That’s not how you should have to do things.”

I just continued to cry harder onto his shoulder. Despite my previous beliefs, suddenly being thrown directly into the situation like that again after so long made me unexpectedly afraid of him ending up like my stepfather by suddenly changing and becoming violent with me. The violence was just a shock to my system that had been on defensive mode from it for so long. 

“I’m so sorry. I should have been a professional and denied you when you said it was okay,” he pressed his forehead against mine, squeezing his eyes shut from the anger he felt at himself. “I knew that it was too soon for you, but I was being selfish and gave in. We don’t have to do that again.”

He spoke so kindly and softly, seeming about to cry himself from seeing me hurt. It calmed me down and made me feel loved. _No. He’s not the same as my stepfather. I can feel safe and protected with him. Just remember that!_  

“Christian…” I looked up at him through the water building up in front of my vision.

“Yes, Ana?” 

“Tell me honestly. Is doing that something that you enjoy?”

At that his eyes widened for a moment, seeming to be caught off guard. He thought hard on it for minute, then dropped his head down, letting out a long, regretful sigh. “Yes…”

He didn’t say anything more. His head just continued to hang low, too much guilt over the uncontrollable desires within him.

“Then…sometime in the future, I want to try this again.”

Absolutely speechless once again, his head swiftly shot up and he stared me dead in the face. “Anastasia…”

He looked around the room at a loss. “You don’t have to do that for me. Truth is, I do honestly believe this kind of treatment will be beneficial for you, which is why I suggested it. But I would be lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy it too. But that’s not any good reason for carrying on with it. Getting better is for you, not for me. That’s totally unnecessary.”

“I already know all of that. If it’s only for me then I wouldn’t care as much. But since I’ve discovered that it’s something that you want to do with me too, then I want to try my hardest at it to make things work for the both of us. You’ve done so much for me, so now I want to start giving something back to you too.”  

It hurt me to see him feel ashamed and scared about what he likes. Once again, I let a stupid man from my past get in the way of making the people I love happy. If it was for him, I wanted to try the hardest that I could to make him feel satisfied. It was the least that I owed him for helping me get over my trauma. Thinking about our time earlier in the dance studio, I realized that I still had a burning desire to see him enjoy himself. If I couldn’t hear his sweet moans and make him call out my name and desire me, then I wouldn’t be satisfied either. Envisioning how happy his face must be if he got to smack my ass like all of the men in the videos, my cheeks burned from the heat.

“Anastasia…really…it’s oka—”

My lips met his mouth. I kissed him again and again, making sure that he was unable to say anything more. He was very shocked, and stood frozen in place.

“Hey, wha—”

I silenced him with my lips yet again as he tried to say something between the break. Today I had wanted to be the dominant one, and a little set back and Christian being uncompliant with my words was not going to stop that. As he was being so loving and cute when I got scared, it only made me want him more. To make him into that other existing role. Then everything would be perfect. 

My temperature was rising again as we kissed. Hands falling down to his chest, Christian finally gave in as I brought his drive back up too. We were both breathing heavily with passion while I pushed him down towards the bed, wanting to be the one to do it this time. As I stroked his chest, my mind started to fill with the desire for more positions, seeing more faces and sounds of his, and everything else that I had not yet gotten the chance to try in my lifetime on the defensive.

He panted heavily as I got on top and pleasured him, the faces that I longed to see already coming out in his surprise. “You know that…I really meant it when I said that I.. loved you right?” he managed to call out between breaths.

I rubbed my face all over him and grabbed onto the side of his. “Of course Christian. I meant it as well.”

“I just… wanted to be sure that… you knew that.”

It had been so long since getting to feel another person, and I was now realizing the joy of it in ways that I never knew existed. I didn’t think that any amount of sex we had could ever make up for it. Reaching my breaking point, I started to intensely lick and suck on his nipples, gripping onto his shoulder blades with desperation.

It was time to continue to fulfill my vision. Sitting up over the top of him, I shimmied down so that my face was in line with his dick.

“Are you sure?” he asked, voice laced with a hint of worry, but an even larger amount of lust. “I know doing that is difficult for you, and you already just had a large scare.” He started to sit up, obviously trying to take control and not let me agree to crazy things this time.

I pushed him down with my hand before he could even finish getting up. I already knew things were not going to end up like they did last time, for I learned how I could feel safe being the one in control. It actually helped me to recover from the slap he just gave me. I was the one who wanted this so badly. Nobody was forcing me to do it. Giving him nothing more than a wink in response, I grabbed his already hardening cock and stroked it up and down with my hand. With that action it became fully hardened once again, much easier than I was expecting. That made me smirk. Immediately, I enclosed my mouth over him.

Christian gasped and cried out in response, reaching his hand out to try and convince me to get off despite how much his face showed that he was enjoying it, sweat dripping off of his forehead. To that I just sucked harder and from the back of my throat. That made him weak and he was having a difficult time trying to push me off of him. My tongue swirled around every inch that it could find of him as my head bobbed up and down. “Ah..Hngh..ah,” he gripped a clump of my strands of hair, giving in. “It’s so good… I just can’t—Ungh—”

He couldn’t even finish his sentence as I sucked harder from the encouragement that he was just giving me. Being told that I was doing well despite it being my first time really rallied me up.

Dropping it out of my mouth, it fell back onto his stomach with a “Plop.” From there, I used the tip of my tongue to lick from the base straight to the tip, in a slow, tantalizing movement. As I did, I lifted my eyes up to check his face. His mouth shot open, and he was grinding his teeth and shaking from the unbearable sensation.   

Reaching the top, I swirled my tongue around the head, kissing it with my lips. “Hah… feels too good. I’m… going crazy…” he groaned between his teeth. Wanting to tease him more, I trailed my lips up to his stomach, then all the way up to his neck line. Reaching his ear, I pulled on his lobes with my teeth and brushed my fingers across his dick that was now pulsing and oozing with pre-cum. His face was so cute. Hair so luscious. I couldn’t help but to kiss all over his milky, smooth skin from his cheeks to his chin, then up to his eyelids as he closed them and shivered. I loved him so much, and making him feel so good like this sent waves of pleasure through me as well, causing my vagina to swell in satisfaction.

 “I can’t take it anymore,” he breathed. “I need to be in you right now.”

Grabbing me so quickly that I didn’t have time to stop him, I was flipped over and he ravenously went at my neck and breasts, somehow still in a gentle a restrained way. Now it was my turn again to pant and moan beneath him. I was disappointed that my mild dominating session was ending so soon, that is, until he sat up straight and grabbed my ankles, pulling me down towards his legs. Reaching under the couch once more, he grabbed another condom and put it on so quickly that I barely noticed him doing it. He was so powerful and frantic with every movement. Clearly I had teased him to the point of madness.

Putting his arms around me, he lifted me up as he stood up from the bed and ordered me to wrap my legs around his back and hold onto his neck. I was a bit confused but did as he said. From there, he stuck himself back inside of me, curved his spine slightly backwards, and pounded hard into me. The position hit so many new spots that I cried out from joy at the fresh experience. _Yes! Another position!!_

“I want you, and only you,” he confessed as he exhaled and hugged around me tighter, moving his hips even faster and further into me. I cried out on the verge of orgasm, and after going at it for a bit, he fell back into the bed, totally exhausted. We were still stuck in the same position. Having more free rain with his hands now, he took one arm and placed his hand on the side of my face. “You’re the only one that I love, the only one that I want to be with like this.” As he said that, he started moving his hips around inside me again, going up and down, then circling right, and then changing directions to the left.

Hearing that made me so happy, I was shaking from joy. “I…don’t want…anybody else to touch me…other than you,” I barely managed to breath out as my hands fell forward into the bed over him, the sensation became so incredible I could hardly speak. 

That really got him going. He pulled me into his chest and went the hardest and fastest he had all day. Out of all the positions we had tried today, that one hit my sweet spot the most directly. As he watched my face twist in pleasure, he whispered “I’m cuming.”

His breathing then got faster and faster and he never took his eyes off of mine. With that simple sentence, I exhaled and burst with all of the love and wonderful feelings I had for him as he spilled out into me.


	18. Chapter 18

After a rollercoaster of a night, and one steamy hot “sex therapy” session, Christian and I spent the rest of it laying together and talking more about ourselves. Being too burnt out to really move, we didn’t even bother to put the rest of our clothes back on. I found that spending time together like this, so close and personal with nothing in between our bodies after such a deep and connecting experience was so wonderful and relaxing. It really brought us together. Every day I was learning something new about the joys of touch that I never knew existed. It amazed me how so many different types of feelings can be conveyed through it; anger, lust, love, care, sympathy, fear, joy, jealousy, and much more. As a person who has spent most of her life only experiencing the base level of it— the direct feeling of contact with a surface— it made me begin to wonder if there is another type of sense that humans have. One thing was for sure to me though, and that was that touch contained two types of levels. The first level was what I experienced in day to day life. The “feeling” of something, such as soft, fuzzy, slimy, cold, wet, scratchy, etc. The second level was what I was experiencing with Christian. The ability to feel and convey a person’s inner feelings and intent through it. It had been so long that I forgot such a thing could be done.  

  I realized that it wasn’t the base level of touch that I was afraid of. This is why I could carry on with my day to day life, only fearing the contact that came from humans. It wasn’t touch itself that scared me— it was the feelings that humans conveyed through it that did. Having only ever had such a negative experience, in my mind these other wonderful kinds of touch didn’t exist. That’s why it was only something to be feared. I never knew what I was losing out on by being too afraid to put up with the dark side of it. These wonderful moments that made all the suffering worthwhile.

 

Over the following three weeks we would spend a day going to the dance studio, then the next practicing sex, and then dance again, and so on and so forth with the occasional date night out. Although things turned out okay in the end last time, Christian still felt worried that he had pushed me too far, and so he only kept our engagement at a normal level. He wanted to spend more time just getting me used to having sex with him and doing intimate things before moving on. We explored all kinds of positions, new areas of each other’s body, and different ways of touching. Mostly we were just taking the time to enjoy the sex rather than overthinking it too much. Doing that really helped to deepen our bond, which he and I both believed could help me move on more easily to more intensive things. (It also helped this noob gain some more experience before going HAM.)

It did bother me, though, that he wouldn’t try anything that he wanted. I knew that he had things that he was keeping from me, and I wanted to know what they were. He did say that there were more “rounds” of sex therapy after all, and that butt slapping bit gave me a small idea as to what he could have meant. Having fallen more in love with him, I also wanted for him to be happy, and if I was the only one feeling satisfied in the relationship then that made me unhappy. It would have been fine with me to try it out again, but he refused. I could really see how much he actually did care. He’s been putting my feelings above his, making sure I could have a good and properly paced recovery. Both when having sex, and when not, he always treated me with love and compassion. Negative emotions I had towards men were swept away. The way he took care of me made me feel like a princess. For a while it was really nice and all, but now that I was mostly cured, I wanted to spice things up a little bit.

Somehow it came out that Christian was miraculously still a virgin. My mind was blown by this fact for so many reasons. The bra incident made me suspicious, but I later thought that maybe he just wasn’t so great at removing them, as even I struggle with those damn things sometimes. He had just been so good in bed, even during our first time, that I thought it was impossible that he had never done anything before. It made me so self-conscious about my inexperience. The thought of him having been with another person—or multiple persons—really hurt, so I was relieved to find that I no longer had to be. Knowing that I was the only one he has ever touched made the experience and our relationship so much more special. Despite having the opportunity countless times, he had said that it was just because he had never found the one. Now that I knew that he believed that I, the dorky outcast, was that one person out of all the thousands of people he’s encountered over the course of his life, I cried so hard. How could someone as pathetic as me be that important to him?

But it did make me wonder exactly what that entailed. Virgin could mean many things. With how much he knew about everything, and his level of confidence, I couldn’t help but feel that he was experienced in other ways. Maybe he had done “other” things with people, but just never went all the way. His sexual history was a mystery that I would one day have to crack, but for right now, I didn’t want to know. I just wanted to sit and enjoy the thought of entirely being his.  

As for the dancing, all of that practice every day was really starting to pay off. Sometimes I would even go over the steps by myself at home before heading over to the studio. Thankfully, being my last quarter of college, the work load has been pretty light. With all that time to focus my energy on it, it has already nearly come together. Soon we would be able to go out and perform it on the harbor. It would be a special occasion for two reasons. One, it would be my first time partner dancing with someone; a symbol of my recovery. Two, it would be the day that we fearlessly told the world that we were together. Because of that, Christian was having his doubts about showcasing it in such a public space, but I assured him that it didn’t matter because we couldn’t keep hiding our relationship forever. Even if we ran into trouble, I would always stand by his side. Having faith in me, he decided to let me live out my dream and vowed to protect me no matter what. I laughed at him, reminding him that despite all of the times that he pointed out that I was strong, he was seeming to forget.   

 

Here and there I of course also made some time to hang out with Kate and José. Part of my training that I was required to do was to continue practicing on other people outside of the session. Christian was now just there for the sex recovery part. The rest was left up to me to take into my own hands—literally. He was right in that nobody can change you, you have to change yourself. If I didn’t have the drive to recover, then I never would have. I wouldn’t have cared to keep practicing with all the people I met outside of the sessions because it was too hard. Although difficult at first, it became worth every miserable moment. Kate wouldn’t stop bursting randomly into tears every time I touched her in a different way. I think she was happier about me getting back to normal than I was. Seeing that side of her, I realized just how good of a friend she truly was. Nobody could ever replace her. If there was anybody that I loved and respected more than Christian, it was Kate. The friend that stuck by me my whole life no matter what. José came in at a close second of course. If not for him, I don’t think I would have ever been inspired enough to make that change. He was the true champion for deciding that on his own and going in first. Many tears were shed between the three of us. Our relationships transformed and grew. Although I would be lying if I said that this new kind of lifestyle wasn’t difficult getting used to.    

 

At the end of the three weeks, another email from our psychology professor finally came in. _Looks like he’s fully healed and raring to go_ , I sighed into my computer screen as my eyes scanned through the contents. According to his message, class would resume on the following Monday. Although I was really happy for him, I was dismayed at his return to school because that meant having to deal with the backseat bitches again. Or actually, upon my arrival to class for the first time in about three weeks, I realized that I wouldn’t be able to use the title of the “backseat” bitches anymore.

As I opened the door, my eyes enlarged in shock at the sight of Jennifer sitting in my usual spot in the front, while Lindsey was sat next to her on the right. _Are they kidding me?_ I grumbled to myself in annoyance as I halted to a stop. _Is she trying to prevent me from sitting next to Christian? They have to have the brain cells of an ant to think that that’s going to work!_ Nonchalantly, I decide to take the seat behind her. The one where she usually sits. Seeming at first a bit surprised by my cool and collected attitude, they then smile slyly to each other upon realization that their plan was starting to carry out.

Not giving a single fuck, I kick my feet up on the bar underneath her desk and throw some headphones on. It was irritating that my first day being able to listen in on lecture again was interrupted by their stupid games, but I suppose having to sit only one row back wouldn’t be too significant of a difference. She seemed rather displeased at my less than concerned behavior. To me, it was their loss anyway to give up some “precious makeup putting on” time to get here extra early just to steal my spot.

Christian came following about a minute later. Also startled momentarily, he too stopped dead in his tracks as he stumbled upon the reversed sight. Blinking a couple times, he calmly and collectively puts his hands into his pockets and passes by the front row to sit down next to me.

It was in that moment that he had strolled by them without even a glance or second thought that really made them lose their shit. They turned back to look as he deliberately chose to sit next to me over taking his usual seat beside them in the front. Their faces were priceless. Traps wide open and eyes bulging out, Christian paid no mind to them as if they weren’t even there. Furious, they turned back around, realizing that their evil plans didn’t work. On one hand, I was snickering maniacally seeing them get owned like that. On another, I was flipping shit because it made the relationship between him and I that more suspicious.

  _Oh god! Why did he have to sit next to me!?_ I internally panicked, resting my head into my hand on the top of my desk, cupping around my eye so that I could avoid looking directly at him. How Christian could be so calm about it was beyond me.

They both just sat in silence with their arms crossed, having no idea what to do or say anymore. If it wasn’t already obvious that Christian disliked them, then it sure as hell was now. Thinking about how jealous I felt seeing pretty girls surrounding Christian in the clinic, I started to feel sorry for them. It must really suck to see somebody you like take no interest in you and prefer someone else. Sure, it was no excuse for their behavior, but I could sympathize with why they were acting the way that they were. Remembering my thoughts after going to the clinic for the first time and seeing how the receptionist kept cool around me, I realized that I should start to act rather than just think. If I want women to start having more compassion and kindness towards one another, then I have to be an example of that myself.

“Hey Jennifer,” I empathetically called out her name to grab her attention.

“Huh,” she turned around to look at me with a baffled look on her face.

“I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get you my number. I memorized it over the break and would like to give it to you now if you still want it. I actually would really like it if we could be friends and see past the events that happened before. You guys seem like really cool people, and I would love if you could teach me how you do that amazing eye makeup every morning. It’s so gorgeous. I’m really jealous,” I smile and laugh at her in a friendly way.

Looking dumfounded, she stutters for a moment “O-oh, r-right. Your number. How could I forget? I know my makeup really is quite stunning isn’t it,” she shows it off by flicking her hair to the side with her hand, holding her head up high. Taking a moment to examine my face, she bluntly says “I could see why you would want me to teach you. Your eye makeup doooes seem to be a little… _lacking_. But it’s okay, I know it can’t be everyone’s forte.” As she spoke she did so with an air of cockiness, seeming to believe she was superior to me. It was probable that she was purposefully using the chance to humiliate me in front of Christian. “We still have to grab that dinner together, so I could show you afterwards.”

 _Yeesh,_ I blink my eyes a couple times in shock. _Give a girl a compliment and she just insults you right back. I was genuine when saying that I want to be friends, but if she really is just that self-centered then I’ll have to reconsider that notion. Change takes time after all. I’ve certainly learned that through my experiences over the past month and a half._

“That sounds great,” I smile at her again despite the less than kind response she just gave me. After all, I was trying really hard to be genuinely nice in hopes of changing her heart. “Let’s shake on our friendship and to putting the past behind us. I know I was opposed last time, but now I’m really serious and would like to prove just how much I am.” Although making contact with Jennifer was extremely displeasing, another agenda of the handshake was to cross the bridge over to the final step of my main recovery— being able to touch a dislikable person.

Reaching my hand out toward her, she looks taken aback and asks oddly questioningly “You…want to shake hands?”

 _Why does she sound so surprised?_ “Yes,” I say normally despite my inner confusion. “I think I was wrong last time to not do so. I was still uneasy at the time because of the shock of the event, but now that I’ve had time to think, I completely forgive you and would like to try again.” Firmly, I gesture my extended arm out towards her again to hint at taking it.

Little did I know that that was the biggest mistake I could have ever made. 

Checking my hand out as if it were some sort of foreign object, she looks up at me after seeming to not find what she was looking for. “Oh I see. That makes sense now. Of course I’ll shake on it. Glad to hear you’ve changed your mind,” she smiles with the same old plastic one and cautiously takes hold of it. Waiting for a moment to see if I would react, she just held her hand there as she stared at it.

Feeling super uncomfortable not just from the touch, but from her oddly out of place behavior, I shake a couple times up and down to start the handshake, still with an unchanging smile upon my face. Her mouth dropped slightly open as I did, just enough to be barely visible. Saying nothing and making no movement, her hand was limp in mine, just going with the flow. For a brief moment she glances over at Christian, then back to me, and I could see a flicker of anger well up in her eyes.     

Awkwardly laughing as I pulled out of the handshake, I had just about enough of the painfully uncomfortable situation. _What the fuck was that? Why did she look so shocked when I took her hand? More importantly, why did she seem to get angry after looking over at Christian!?_

“Well,” she places her hands back down on her lap and speaks in a very strange manner, one that showed she was trying to act polite, but was secretly stifling back hatred. “Now that we’ve shaken on it, I can’t wait to hang out with you. I think the two of us have some great potential to become close friends. If I could just have that number of yours now,” she pulls out her phone from her pocket.

“Oh… yes of course,” I say nervously with much hesitation. As I give my number aloud, she types it in with a completely blank expression.

With that, she shouts “Fantastic! I’ll be texting you soon!” and gives me a wink with a giggle. It was the first time she spoke to me with genuine happiness and excitement in her voice. All the more suspicious. _What could she possibly want my number so badly for? I thought that it was for proving to Christian that she was a good person and not behaving hostile towards me, but that satisfied demeanor she suddenly had upon getting my number was way out of place for just that._    

The strange occurrence didn’t go unnoticed by Christian either. He folded his hands together over his desk and leaned into them in thought, glancing between the two of us and at her phone.

“Hey Lindsey,” she turns over to her silent friend. “Would you mind accompanying me to the bathroom? It’s far away and I don’t want to have to walk there alone.”

“Oh yeah, sure thing,” Lindsey replies.

The two of them get up and leave the classroom, taking all of their things with them. They ended up being gone for an oddly long time for just having to use the restroom. Class had started for more than fifteen minutes already by the time they came back. When they did, their seats were already taken up by other students, so they had to find different ones a few rows behind us. As soon as they sat down, I had this uncanny feeling that I was being glared at. Turning around, I could see the two of them had their arms crossed, and Jennifer was tapping her fingers on her arm in thought. Meeting her piercing gaze, she smiled at me and I quickly turned back around as if I didn’t see her. For the rest of the class I still couldn’t shake the feeling of daggers being thrown at my back. 

That night, Christian and I went on a dinner date to another far away, small and family owned restaurant. He brought up his suspicions about Jennifer getting my number, and warned me to always be cautious about her intentions from now on. This is something that he didn’t even need to mention to me, of course, as I already knew that. But he still wanted to be extra sure that I was always aware of it, and promised me that he would always be watching her actions to ensure my safety as well. We argued a bit about whether I should try to be friends with her, but in the end I still decided that I would be the better person and be friendly to her until given a reason otherwise. I was sincere in the fact that I wanted to show her what true kindness was, having realized that my attitude in the past wasn’t optimal either.

Over the next week I received a few messages from her. Mostly, they were just oddly friendly texts about random things such as makeup advice, video sharing, questions about me, and so on. Lots of heart emoji’s and smiley faces were sent to me in the chat. It was all so odd, especially since she never actually invited me to hang out like she had been begging to do over the past few weeks. I might have actually believed she was turning a new leaf if it hadn’t been for her strange behavior the day I gave her my number. I kept asking myself why she was being so friendly towards me in the texts but not in real life. Well, actually that changed from that day on as well. Since then, she always sat right next to me in the front row, and Lindsey next to her. As they were smiling and giggling at me and always trying to make jokes, especially whenever Christian would enter the room, I felt really uneasy rather than relieved. It just came out of nowhere and felt so forced. _Especially_ now that she was even gifting me expensive makeup items to butter me up or something. I didn’t really want to take them but was given no choice in the matter. Still, I tried hard to believe in the best in her.

On Thursday late afternoon, I went over to his clinic during office hours. The reason for this being that we had too much schoolwork to catch up and thus didn’t have any time to see each other after his work this week. Christian, being out of his mind, gave me the open slot for a cancellation. It was extremely rare that he ever received a cancellation, and so there was a very extensive waitlist. For that reason I was highly opposed to the idea and yelled at him for penciling me in. There were a lot of people who were probably in much more desperate need and had been waiting far longer than I had for that appointment. For him to just selfishly give it away to me seemed so unfair and out of character, but he claimed that it was important for me to keep a regular visit to ensure no relapses. He also argued that since he stopped accepting new patients in order to focus on the ones he already had, he felt that he was doing just that by prioritizing me as his client. Recently his clinic also made the decision to only accept clients who have received a doctors or psychologists referral. This would help to weed out those without any serious problems. His clinic was one of the top with five of America’s best therapists after all. There was a massive drop in numbers after that, especially on Christians side since he received the most requests out of everyone solely for his fame as the “handsome therapist” that every man and woman wanted to get their turn on having a session with. Being his V.I.P client made me feel so special. How could I be so important to him that he’d place me not only above everyone else, but even his morals?

So here I was, at 3:30 PM, sitting in his waiting room. It was beyond strange coming in at this time. The entire waiting room was full, which was a first for me, and I actually had to go to the reception desk and sign in. Also a first. I even had to use my insurance this time, and my co-pay was paid off, courtesy of Christian. It made everything seem even more real. For sure this was legitimately a psychological office and not just my boyfriend’s apartment. And it was definitely for sure that he owned and could do whatever he wanted with it. His room seemed so homely that it was easy to forget sometimes. It was certainly the nicest and most furnished office I had ever been in.

“Ms. Steele,” Christian called my name while looking down at his paper as he opened up the door. His tone and mannerisms were more professional and monotone than usual, and he even hadn’t looked directly into my face like always. Working during his normal hours must have really gotten him into the zone.

Jealous glances were thrown at me as I walked through the door with him over to the room. Not everyone was able to wait long enough to get to see him and had to settle for the slightly less attractive or renowned therapists. Today we would only have an hour since he had other appointments to attend to, which was much less than the usual time we spent talking and…well…you know.

The session went about as usual. He started off asking about my progress this week, new things that I had tried with people, things that he wanted me to start trying, mechanisms for coping with my uneasiness, and other basic stuff such as that. Although it seemed unusual that we would have to meet in his office to go over this stuff when we were dating and could talk about it any time, he wanted to be sure to keep his professional life and our relationship separate. If we talked too much about this stuff outside of work then they would start to blend together, and that wasn’t something that he wanted. It was nice to be able to leave this place and not have to think about work outside of it.

It had been almost a week since we had done any…“exposure therapy” if you will. Because of that, he seemed a bit rushed when going through the questions today. 

“So shall we begin with the second portion?” he asked in a hurry as he slammed his notebook shut.

“Uhhhh…what is it that we are going to do? There’s only a limited time, and there are,” I lean in closer, making my voice a little quieter as I look over at the door. “People outside.”

“Oh don’t worry,” he says calmly as he gets up slowly and strides towards me, making dead eye contact. “We’ll just be sure to keep quiet.”

“Gulp.”

Bending down over me, he brings his face in close as he continues to smile in a tantalizing way. One could easily tell that he was trying to seduce me with that handsome face and horribly sexy, hoarse voice of his. “Ha, ha. W-w-w-what do you mean,” I nervously ask as I bend back away from him. “You can’t really be serious about doing,” I pause for a moment, changing my voice to a low whisper as I cup my hand around my mouth. “ _Sex_ therapy right now, can you?” Waiting for a few seconds, he says nothing and just keeps staring at me with that same dastardly smile. “…Can you?”

“Oh, I can, and I will Ms. Steele.”

Without another second to speak, he goes in for the kiss.

“Mmph,” my words are broken off as they become blocked by his kiss. Sticking his tongue inside of me, I become prisoner to his lips, unable to speak freely. Having the need to object, I slowly found it more and more difficult to as his tongue continued to search farther inside of me. “Mmm,” my voice suddenly changes as waves of pleasure come crashing over me.   As he moves down to my neck, I try to object. “Christian…no…stop,” I push into his chest with my hand, sounding weak and unsure of what I was saying. “Somebody is going to hear us.”

“Not if I make sure to keep you quiet,” he smirks as he moves his lips back up to mine to silence them. I moan into the kiss yet again, his desperateness turning me on. “Shhhh,” he hushes me into my ear. “Keep your moans low so that only I can have the pleasure of hearing them.”

Gently biting down on my earlobe, he begins to suck and tug on it. I could feel his hot breath against the inside of my ear, warming my skin and making me go numb. The feeling was so amazing that I wanted to cry out, but I had to stifle it back, heavily breathing in exchange.

His actions started to become even more intense and desperate, as if he was trying to see how far he could push me before I cracked. “I can’t just go and let you miss out on a sex therapy session this week, now can I Anastasia?” he brushes his fingers through the side of my hair as he hears me struggle hard to hold back, getting motivated even more. Trailing his kisses down to my collarbone, he finds the undone area on the top of my blouse to try to sneak in to. Pulling it as far down as he could with his chin, I shudder from his near proximity to what lied underneath.

Picking up on that, he slips his hand inside my shirt and runs it slowly up my side, hot fingers lightly grazing the top of my skin. He stops right as he gets to the edge of my chest. The other hand sneaks its way down to the edge of my pants, slipping under it. Neither hand went any further. Removing the first hand from me and placing it on the couch, he uses the other to explore the area around my groin, getting close to the center, but then backing away and moving it up toward my chest off and on while his mouth kept kissing around the area under my collarbone. With that, I begin to whimper from the torturous and cruel act. Still, he just kept going back down and grazing ever so slightly against my clitoris with the tip of his finger, but never any more. I started to cling desperately onto him. Bringing his mouth back up to my ear again, he whispers “Hm? What is it that you want baby?

“T-touch it,” I weakly plead.

“Touch what?” he teases.

“You know…down ‘there’,” I quietly breathe out, finding difficulty in speaking from the heat overcoming me.

Smiling wider, he moves his still hand up to my shirt to pull it down along with my bra, exposing one of my nipples. From there, his kisses finally come down over to that area that he had been dancing around. My head throws back and I pant more loudly, wondering why he hadn’t done what I asked. My question was answered immediately as the free hand goes back down and unbuttons my pants, now crawling easily into my underwear. A few more times he strokes up and down the crevice of my vagina without hardly touching it. Paired together with his hard sucking on my nipple, I was now going crazier than ever. _Please just touch it for real,_ I begged him in my mind as if he would hear it.

Seeming to receive the message through telepathic means, he sticks his finger in, and firmly stokes up to my clitoris, circling around the area. “Ah,” I call out super loudly without thinking, my senses having been built up so high that my voice was no longer containable. S _hit,_ my eyes bulge out as I quickly cover up my mouth with my hand.

“It’s okay. It was just one time,” he grabs my arm with his free one and removes it immediately. Returning to toy with my body more, my breathing increased again as my head dropped to the side, dripping with sweat. As time went on, he tortured more parts of my body in this way again and again, and I got so riled up that I couldn’t handle it anymore. “I want you,” I cried while reaching my arms out towards him, grabbing onto his shirt that he still hadn’t managed to take off yet. I just loved him so much and felt such a strong connection with him now that the need to become closer with him was all too real. A person who could make me feel this good was one in a million. Knowing that he would have loved me even if we hadn’t been able to be doing this right now made me just want to accept all of him even more. Every part of him— I needed it now.  

Breathing in hard suddenly from my surprising words and the sexy tightening grip over his clothes, he panted as he asked “Are you _sure_ you want me now?” in a way that was more like a test than a question.  

“Yes,” I whined, pleading him to get on with it. “I need you. I need you so badly,” my hold over his shirt became more ravenous, and I pulled on it slightly to bring him toward me.

“Okay then,” he excitedly smirks. Contradicting to what he just said, he gets off the couch.

 _Hm?_ I watch him curiously as he walks away, feeling quite upset at the loss of contact. Bending down at the far end of the couch, he pulls out the bed attached to it, giving me the answer to what he was doing right then and there. Coming back over to pick me up, he lifts me from my seat and gently places me down onto the freshly drawn out section. It made me wonder if we were going to have enough time for everything, what with him having to clean this up before his next appointment now. Regardless, he removes his clothing as he stares down my body and tells me to do the same. His erection jolts up higher upon the sight of me stripping off my clothing seductively on the bed. Slipping on a condom that he pulled out from underneath couch over it as usual, he hops on top of me.

As he placed his tip at the center of my opening, I couldn’t help but to shiver in anticipation. With all the buildup, instant shockwaves of indulgence bombarded my lower region as he slid inside of me. It was all too much for me to handle. My legs shook furiously as he went in and out, and when he went harder and faster, my lips sucked in on top of each other as if I had eaten something sour. “Hmmmph, hmmph,” I groaned through my pressed lips, finding it difficult to contain my voice inside of them. 

Upon seeing how hard I was struggling to stay quiet, he tried to push me even more. Taking hold of my hips, he pulls me as far back into him as he could possibly manage, then swirls around, rapidly going in and out.

That really did it. My sighs began to break through and rang through the office. He bent down and softly covered up my mouth with his hand. “Shhh Anastasia,” he hushes me once again. “Somebody might discover us.”

Despite his warning, he continues to keep thrusting into me while covering my mouth to keep my cries from coming out too much. Tears trickled down my face from the intense pleasure and feelings building up without a proper release. “Hmph. Hmmmmmmph,” the sound kept coming out through the cracks of his fingers. His breathing intensified as well, becoming audible without anyone there to quiet his mouth as well.  

“Chrisitan? Is everything alright in there?” A knock on the door came, and the voice of his receptionist could be heard through it.

Christian’s forehead was dripping with sweat, and he was panting wildly, but as soon as he heard the worried sound, he stopped moving his hips and groaned in agitation. “Yes…everything’s fine!” he called out weakly while still keeping his hand over my mouth, and hips inside of me. 

“You sure?” she asked again, having still been concerned by his unconfident tone.

“Yes Seo-yeon! There’s nothing abnormal happening here! We’re fine!” he shouted loudly with confidence, having brought himself together in his annoyance and impatience.

She sensed his mild irritation with her by his tone, and immediately apologized and backed away from the door at once. _She must feel so sad,_ I couldn’t help but to think as her footsteps disappeared into the hallway.

I wasn’t left with much time to have those other feelings as Christian immediately started moving his hips inside me again, asking “Now. Where were we?” in a raspy, hushed voice as he smiled deviously into the side of my face.

I shot him some worried eyes, but he ignored them and just proceeded to kiss all over my nape. My cheeks were now bright red, and it took me a minute to get back into it in my embarrassment. But surprisingly, despite how much shame I felt, I just accepted everything, having been too aroused to really care.

The two of us kept going at it like that for a while, and I tried my hardest this time not to let any sounds get out. Christian seemed to enjoy that, and tried harder each time to make me get loud. If he thought I was going to give in after that humiliating moment just a moment ago, then he was either insane or just thought far too highly of himself. 

“Well Anastasia,” he stops his movements in good timing before the two us reached our breaking point. “I think it might be time once again to try advancing in your treatment.”

“O-oh,” I opened one eye and blushed, having thought that I would be getting a break from the sexiness for a little bit. But I was dead wrong. “I suppose it _has_ been a little while since we’ve tried anything else…”

My tone was low. Remembering how things went last time, I couldn’t help but being afraid of messing things up once again after they had been going so well over the past few weeks. But in fact, I _was_ significantly more experienced now after all. He was probably right in suggesting to move on. I had had more than enough time to get used to all of these same and repetitive movements.

Christian was still a bit out of breath as he spoke. “Since we don’t… have much time left today,” he wipes a droplet of sweat off of his forehead with the back of his hand. “We will just start and end with trying out the butt slapping again since we already worked on that a bit a few weeks ago. But after you’re able to do that, I’ve got some… _other_ things in mind that I’ve been working on preparing.”

“W-what was with the dramatic pause when you said ‘other!?’”

Giving a wink, he says “Oh…nothing.”

My face now super red, I give him a pouty look to show that I wasn’t buying it at all.

“Anyway,” he ignores my counter. “So how about it? Think you’re feeling up to finally giving the second level of exposure therapy a try again?”

Immediately giving up on finding out what he had meant in my nervousness at his question, I agreed a bit reluctantly, but regretted my weakness in the answer soon after.

“If you think you’re not ready then it’s really fine you know,” he caresses my cheek with his thumb. “My recommendations aren’t always correct. It really just depends on how you personally feel, and when you think the time is right to proceed with the treatment plan I’ve set out.”

“No…” I say firmly with a trailed off thought. “Actually, after thinking on it, I realized that I do indeed feel more than enough ready. My hesitation was just in my fear of things turning out the same, but in reality, I’m not nearly the same person that I was three weeks ago. I want to do this. No, I’m _sure_ I can do this.”

With a look of surprise, he smiled proudly at me. “You know…I don’t think you have completely realized this, but, you’re seriously the toughest, fastest progressing, and most spectacular person I have ever worked with. You never fail to leave me utterly astounded.”

Now I was the one with the shocked expression on my face. My feeling of happiness was so high that I couldn’t find any words to bring out to express it. This whole time I had been under the impression that I was slowing myself down because of my weakness and hesitation, so to hear that I was indeed actually advancing far quicker than the average rate was just heartbreaking. It almost brought me to tears. _Maybe I’m not such a failure after all_.

A light shined brightly from the side of the bed where my pants were laying. Its radiance gave me the courage to believe that I had made the right decision.

Christian took hold of my hips and gently flipped me over onto my knees. “Sorry to be taking things a little bit faster than usual,” he apologizes as he strokes the back of my hair. “But we are running out of time today.”

Shivering as he re-enters my body, I was surprised to find that he was already starting to move in and out again. I certainly wasn’t complaining though, as my lower region had not stopped craving him since he had pulled out. His haste left my “other brain” very satisfied, rewarding me by adding more “oomph” to my pleasure receptors than normal. Feeling a hand lay over my right butt cheek, I inhaled a giant breath of air to prepare my mind for what I knew was soon to come. He was taking his time to sooth me by rubbing caringly in circles around the area, but a sudden knock came at the door again.

“Christian. Your next client is here to see you. Are you ready for them to come in?”

He quit moving momentarily once again. Sighing first, he pulled himself together and responded to the receptionist with “Not quite yet! We will be needing to use up the full hour today! Just let them know I’m running a bit behind schedule!”

Nothing else could be heard from behind the door. I wondered if she had become suspicious of what was what going on. Christian immediately turned his head back over to me, seeming to be feeling in even more of a hurry. I knew that he hated letting people down, so the fact that he was risking doing just that showed how desperate he was to have me right now.       

Quickly rocking his hips into me a few more times while simultaneously caressing the area he was about to hit, he told me in a rushed voice “Okay. Now I’m going to try exactly what I did last time. Are you ready for it?”

“Yes,” I squeeze my eyes shut and tighten my grip over the sheets. “Just do it before I have time to think.”

Listening to me, he raises his hand up in the air. There was a brief moment of hesitation as his mouth pulled up and his head shook in second thought, but surely, his hand came down with a very light smack immediately following.

Nothing. I felt nothing. I focused my mind on the moving of his body inside of mine, and the electrifyingly chaotic state that my vagina was in, not giving myself a chance to be perturbed by what else was going on on the outside.

“Smack,” his hand came down again with a very low amount of force.

_Hah…I still…feel...so...good…_

“Smack,” he barely hits me any harder than the last time. Despite the time constraint, he was still trying to take it easy on me. A few more times he came down with that same force. As I focused on the rhythm of his movement and how he was trying to do so in such a way that it focused on making me feel the best that I could, rather than the best that _he_ could, I was filled not with anxiety, but with love and pleasure instead.   

“It’s okay. Try it harder,” I commanded.

Taking a moment first to think, he once again did as I asked and hit me with some real force this time.

“ _Smack!”_

“Ah—” my voice escaped me. Instantly, I covered my own mouth in embarrassment and looked over to the door to make sure nobody had heard.

“Was that…a good scream…or…a bad one?” he panted as sweat started to fall from his heating body.

“A…g-good one,” I breathed out through my hand.

Barely having had a second to hear my reply, he came down immediately following with an even harder “SMACK! **”**

The power of his hit this time was enough for me to notice it even through my focused attention. It felt neither good nor bad, because as soon as he had come into contact with me, he rolled his hips in circular motions and pushed deeper into me, causing me to moan out in pleasure in my surprise at that act itself.

The reward of pleasurable feelings was seeming to tell my mind to now associate the slapping with something good. It had only taken me a few seconds to start figuring out exactly what it was that he was trying to do.

Christian kept with that force and hit me about every ten seconds in a spot about an inch further from the last each time. With every smack, he became more aroused, which in turn led to me being more excited by his quickening and ravenous movements as well. I kept my eyes squeezed shut to bear with it and let my mind focus in on those reactions and the sounds coming from his hot, breathless mouth.

He bent down forward and hugged around my waist. “I love you Anastasia. I only ever want to bring you pleasure in all of your life, not pain.”

“Smack!” he hit the other cheek with less force than he had just before.

“Hah-Hngh,” my fists clenched even tighter.

“Let your thoughts break away from the chain of fear, and think about how I’m doing these actions out of love,” his hips moved faster. “Open your mind to the other side of things and allow all of my care to come in.”

“ _Smack!”_

“Ah-ah-ah—” something within my brain changed all of a sudden, and the pleasurable feelings from his hand came through to my senses for the first time. I had been so distracted that I forgot that I was supposed to keep quiet. My sounds burst through the room as my head focused on its moment of healing.

His breath quickened and he gasped at my response. Slamming harder and faster into me, he kept his hand coming down continuously with that medium force. The power was just enough that it only brought a small fraction of pain. The other three quarters that I was forcing my mind to pay attention to was the oddly satisfying shock waves that would erupt from it. It was a part of the action that I never even knew was there due to the immense power my stepfather used to use on me. Any hint of its existence was just completely drowned out by the pain and disgust. The two of us just kept getting louder and louder in our discovery of this ecstasy.

“Mr. Grey. Are you sure everything is okay in there?” a concerned voice from an unknown person this time came through the door. Whispers of others outside now came to my attention. 

Christian didn’t stop this time. He just kept moving and staring down towards my face while holding me still in his arms. “Y-yes. We are just working on finishing up some exercises. No need to worry. I’ll be out in a minute,” he assured them, but this time his voice was not as calm and collected. There was something very obviously odd and erotic about it.

“Exercises? Hmm… alright then. Just keep it down a bit,” the voice fades off as the person walks away.           

I had wanted to object and tell him to quit moving, but I was too drowned in lust to find any will to move or speak. My embarrassment was not enough to make me stop either. Not breaking for a single second because of everything that had happened, nor the clatter that was still continuing to happen outside, Christian’s gaze sharpened as he pulled me in closer to him. “God. I love you so much,” he pounded the hardest that he ever had and hugged me with the force of his previously moving hand. 

“I love you too Christian,” I cried out as the strength of the hug brought on a mind blowing orgasm.


	19. Chapter 19

**NOTE: This is the last chapter of "Volume one" of this series! Brace yourselves!

As I was driving home from the clinic, I couldn’t help but notice that a black car to my rear seemed to be following me. From the moment I left, I noticed that every time I looked in the rearview mirror, it was that exact same one. Just when I thought they couldn’t be making the same specific turn as me, there they were. Being that it was wintertime in Seattle, it was impossible to see who was inside because the windows were highly tinted and the sun had already began to set. It was quite probable that they just lived somewhere near me, but as I got closer to my place, my suspicions grew further. Sweat started to accumulate on my palms. _Who would want to follow me and why? It must just be a crazy coincidence,_ I brushed it off, keeping my eyes on the road ahead. Soon I approached my apartment, and I debated about whether I should turn into it or not. _Come on Anastasia! It’s not like you’re part of the Mafia! Who would need to follow you to your house and kill you? You’re always so paranoid._

Deciding it was probably just chance that they were on the same route as me, I nervously pulled into the parking lot on the side of my apartment building. The car drove straight past without slowing down at all.

“Whew,” I sighed in relief and fell into the steering wheel. _See! It was all in your head. I thought you were supposed to be listening to José and not overthinking so much anymore._

Walking over to the front door, I cheerfully hummed while twirling my keys around my finger. The previous false scare was not enough to bring my mood down after that great session Christian and I had today. As soon as we “finished,” he scurried at the speed of light to put the bed back together. His receptionist came back just in time to see if he was ready for the appointment that was scheduled to begin right that minute. Being the great therapist he is, he completely finished everything in our session, and even made it just in time for his next client without a single second to spare. Right before he let the next man in, I was sent off with an exuberant hug and a “I’m so proud of you” from Christian, and a “You made wonderful progress today, hope to see you again next time” from Mr. Grey as I walked out the door. We cleaned up so well that nobody could even tell that a crazy hot sex therapy session had just occurred in there.

Unlocking the bottom latch, I headed into my apartment with a smile and began working on the rest of the reading from today’s class, feeling totally accomplished and like nothing in the world could drag me down. 

 

Finally it was performance day. I had on a gorgeous flowing, red dress that would fly out and spin as I twirled. It was the perfect, elegant and sexy dress for dancing. When I had arrived home last night it was awaiting me on my bed, gift wrapped with a letter. Of course it was from none other than Christian himself. He had went out and purchased it as a secret gift, and with Kate’s help, had it delivered to my house. On it, the note read:

A beautiful dress for a beautiful girl. An evening as special as this one requires an outfit equally as so. I picked this one out just for you. The color reminds me of the coat you wore on our first date as well as your fiery spirit. The elegance reminds me of your beautiful and pure personality, and the flow will go oh so perfectly with your body as you dance and show the world what a remarkable recovery you have made. For the strongest, sweetest, and most wonderful girl I know. It’s not me who has changed you, but you who has changed me. My life is so much better and more meaningful now with you in it. Finally, I want to start living life again. Let’s go show the world what we are made of in style.    

Love,

Christian. <3

His letter really sent me into tears. I couldn’t believe I had found a partner as amazing and perfect as this one. Having had been through a rough childhood like me, we were always able to perfectly understand each other. Having a person like that in my life, and especially one that was so close has really been what’s able to allow me to recover so quickly. Knowing that he thinks I changed his life was so heart wrenching. I truly believed that we were destined for each other. All I really did for him was exist. Thinking about how that was enough to create a difference in his life caused the water forming in my eyes to fall. As someone who thought she could never be loved, this man came and not only did just that despite possibly not ever being able to touch me, but he also healed my mind and my insecurities with it. A new confidence was born within me, and I found that I was loving and believing in myself more and more each day thanks to him. He truly inspired me to do and achieve greater things. That’s what I wanted to convey through this dance today.

As I approached the end of the dock at the harbor, he was already standing there waiting for me, dressed in a stunning suit and tie. The skin on my arms and neck glittered in the light of the setting sun, for I had covered it in sparkles. The wind blew back my dress, and it flowed behind me as I strode toward him on my heels. It had been a bright and sunny day, just warm enough to withstand the outside temperature. He and I were both wearing ballroom masks to conceal our identity. Christian had decided that it would be safest for us to do so rather than showcasing our relationship fully before I was finished with school.

I met with him. The most gorgeous sunset radiated behind us. It was just like our last date on the harbor when the sky had inspired me to do this dance. The setting couldn’t have been any more perfect. His face was adorned with a black and gold mask that complimented his suit, and he proudly wore a red tie that matched with my dress. Gelled up hair and form fitting clothes made him look as handsome as ever. I was even more swept away by him than the sea.

As for me, my mask was red and gold with a butterfly wing coming off of the left side. I had no idea how Christian accomplished finding something so perfect. It was as if he knew about my pendant which I was now wearing around my neck on a petite golden chain that Kate finally managed to get to me. The butterfly at the end of my necklace was shining even brighter today with the colors of the sunset. It was the most beautiful I had ever seen it. A true spectacle. It went so well together with the oddly similar mask which was comparable to its beauty. Laced with red jewels and made from a fine golden material, the two seemed too fabulous to be from this earth.

He took my hand. Kate stood a few feet behind us, insisting on filming the moment. It was officially her first time meeting Christian in person as she had always been too busy to get the chance, so she was being quite shy around him and had a difficult time looking him directly in the face. The sight almost made me start breaking into laughter because I had never before seen her this way. She was always such a confident girl that had no problem walking straight up to men that she found attractive and asking them for their number. Though, I couldn’t blame her with how extra handsome he looked today. I suppose with how famous he is, and all of the crazy information she now knew about him because of me, she couldn’t help but to be nervous and not know what to say.

José tagged along right beside her much to Christian’s disliking. He was also very quiet and stuck straight to Kate like glue. Because of his phobia, he still wasn’t used to going out and meeting new people too often, but as soon as he saw me walk out so confidently without paying any mind to any of the others around us, a shining smile crept up on his face and he, too, seemed to not care anymore about any of the stressors around him. He shot me a giant thumbs up and Kate then gave a wink just to me that seemed to say “Go get ‘em girl!” To that, I just gave a joyful, loving smile back to them and a confident nod of my head for reassurance.

Only a few people were standing around us. They, too, came to lean against the railing, looking out into the Pacific to enjoy the once in a lifetime view just as we were. Noticing the camera, most of them stepped off to the side to watch what would happen. That was Kate’s cue to turn the music on.

The sounds of Ed Sheeran’s “Perfect” hummed through the air and were carried across the harbor by the wind. Pulling my hand, Christian brought me in close to him. As the lyrics sang “Darling just dive right in, follow my lead,” he took a few steps backward and led me to the edge of the waterfront into the heart of the sunset. Doing as the music commanded, my feet were ushered along by his as they matched his steps. His left hand was kept on my side while the other tightly held mine. He wouldn’t stop smiling at me, and I couldn’t help but to do the same back. All of my love for him came pouring out as we glided atop the wooden boards. When the lyrics got to “I never knew you were the someone waiting for me,” he mouthed them out to me as he placed his forehead upon mine. Then, the music burst out into a faster pace and he launched me out at arm’s length in front of him. With both my arms extended, I threw the open one in towards my chest to start a twirl. My dress flew out and spun around like a top as I circled around him.

Falling back into his right arm, my limbs gracefully extended and curved, creating a beautiful pose. He pulled me in towards him again and we danced around a bit before I was lifted up, my legs wrapping around his waist. Spinning in circles with our faces close together, I placed my hand on his heart as Ed sang “Your heart is all I own.” Our gaze never faltered, eyes locked dead onto each other, unable to see or care about anything else. With beauty and grace, our bodies moved perfectly in sync with the music, creating an amazing spectacle. As the music slowed, he walked in towards my body and brought my right hand up and over my head, dropping his down to my back as he pulled me into him. The words hummed “Darling you look perfect tonight,” and as they did, the glittery makeup on my eyes as well as that on my mask and body sparkled in the fading sun. My glossy red lips glowed, making him slowly bend in to kiss them.

Getting only just a centimeter away, the music suddenly quickened and we shot away from one another in a powerful burst just before his lips were able to meet mine. The momentum was just enough to yank my arm into a spin, and as I flew about, he caught me and threw me up into the air. As I soared through the skies in his arms, the lyrics sang “Well I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know. She shares my dreams, I hope that someday, I’ll share her home.”  

Coming back down to wrap my legs and arms around him once again, he held me tight and pressed his nose to me as he smiled the happiest smile I had ever seen. I couldn’t help but feel that the lyrics “I found a lover, to carry more than just my secrets, to carry love,” was made just for us. Just as the near entirety of the song seemed to. And as we are “So in love, fighting against all odds. I know that we will be alright this time.”

Like the lyrics suggested, I held his hand, knowing that by the gift of an angel I now could, just as I could be blessed with the chance to dance together with a human being once again. From now on I would truly “be his girl while he will be my man”, because I “saw my future in his eyes”, just the same as I do now.

Spending this time with the person I love so dear, I felt a joy far greater than anything I have ever felt before. True freedom. My spirit and determination were rising, and it showed through the way I danced. As if something came over me, my movements were perfectly on point and with an energy like none other. One might have believed that I had been dancing my whole life upon seeing it, but instead it was quite the opposite. I had just discovered the pure bliss that is dance— and that, right there, is something that can make even an amateur look like a gold metal artist. 

As the melody carried the words of “As I saw you in that dress, looking so beautiful I don’t deserve it,” the last bit of sun setting over the horizon created a silhouette of my dress over my body, lined with a radiating golden trim. Now we were “Dancing in the dark,” and Christian spun me around in the sky as if he had “Met an angel in person.” The music slowed, coming to an end, and he steadily brought me down to the ground as my right foot bent up behind me and my arms wrapped around his neck. Coming in line with his face, I whispered the last few words of the song. “Darling you look perfect tonight.”

Just when it finished, the butterfly wings on my pendant glowed with a magical light, and then suddenly went out. As I looked down, the color of it seemed to have changed. Now a darker shade of gold with all clear jewels, it radiated with a newer and greater majesty. I blinked a couple times in shock as I stared at it, wondering if what I was seeing was really happening.        

 Stars now shining above our heads, the massive crowd that we had attracted burst out with a roaring set of claps and whistles that slowly brought me back into reality. I had been so absorbed into the dance and Christian’s drowning, gorgeous eyes that I hadn’t even realized that so many people had gathered around us. It was at least a couple hundred. I had no idea where they all even came from. Some must have wandered from quite far away to come see what all the buzz was about. I heard a few people whisper “Is that Christian grey? He sure looks quite similar to him,” but they seemed to be so distracted by the mask that everyone only believed him to be a look alike rather than the actual person. I mean, who would believe that Christian Grey was just casually dancing with a mysterious woman on the harbor?

Looking over at Kate and José, they were both sniffling with runny noses and red eyes from crying. 

“Oh, Ana!” Kate came running over to me, tearing me into a hug. “That was so beautiful! I’m so happy for you,” she cried. 

José couldn’t stop balling like an idiot and had to take his time to wipe his messy face into his sleeve before joining us at the edge.

Christian just smiled with his hands in his pockets as he watched me embrace my lifelong friends in this meaningful and everlasting moment.

As everyone was leaving to head out for dinner, I told them that I was going to stay behind to watch the end of the sunset for a moment before meeting them at the restaurant. A bit hesitant to go without me, Kate picked up on my hints and led Christian and José away with her. Giving a thankful nod, I headed over to the railing at the edge of the dock to watch the remaining couple rays of light disappear completely behind the horizon. Christian greeted the two of them for the first time, and Kate was a bit panicked, but immediately kicked herself in the foot and took control of the situation as normal. She brought the ever nervous José into the conversation, becoming his friendship wingman.

 As I closed my eyes and let the last bit of the day’s warm breeze trickle against my face, a peaceful sigh left my lips. It was the first in a long time. Reaching down into my purse, I pulled out a sharpie that I had stored in one of the pockets. Lifting up my arm and pointing it toward the edge of the sky, I drew an “X” with a heart around it into my wrist for what I hoped to be the last time. Normally I would do such a thing after a traumatic event or after doing an action that made me angry with myself. But today I did it out of love and acceptance. The marking would signify an end to my pain caused by my stepfather altogether. The first X was to stop getting shaken by him, the second was to stop hating him, and third is now to finally let go of him.

Curiously, I looked down and grabbed my pendant, bringing it up to my face to examine it more closely. Surely enough, the colors really had changed, just as I had thought. Now I was certain that I wasn’t just imaging things. After all, a trick of the light couldn’t change jewels from rainbow to clear.  I wondered if I should ask Kate if the colors appeared different to her, but I was fearful that people would think I was crazy if they didn’t. _Maybe I should look into investigating things on my own a bit more before getting others involved…_

Walking back to join my awkward and hungrily awaiting friends for a celebratory dinner, I left all of the bad memories from my past behind me, just as the sun left all of the cold and darkness behind with it. 

 

Waking up a tad earlier than normal from an incessant buzzing coming from my phone, I groaned and took a look at the clock. _Seven AM? What’s going on?_ I slowly sat up, still a bit too weak and groggy to get myself going. _My alarm clock isn’t supposed to go off until seven thirty. Plus, why is the pace of the vibration so off?_ Pulling my phone off of the bedside table, I peek at the screen to see what was making it go so crazy this early in the morning.

“HUH!?” I loudly shout, suddenly shaken at what I had just come across. _Two hundred messages!? From who!? What’s going on??_

Wasting no time, I flip open the lock screen to see what the emergency was. To my horror, mass texts from about a hundred people flooded my inbox. There were even a decent amount of messenger chat invites from people I had never seen before. As far as I could tell from reading the headline of all the chats before opening them, they all seemed to be numerous types of death threats and hate mail from unknown numbers.

… _What the hell?_ Shaking, I click open the first message on the top. It read:

GO KILL YOURSELF! You’re not deserving of a man like Christian you hallway screaming freak!

Extremely confused, I open up the second one:

Christian is MINE! Don’t think you can just waltz in and steal him like that from us! Like seriously! Who do you even think you are anyway? You’re fucking ugly. He’ll dump you soon enough.

On the verge of tears, I had no idea why I was suddenly receiving all of these horrible texts or how any of them got my number. Still, I opened another:

Guess the circus decided it needed some romance. Christian is too good for your games. Just step away.  

Finally, I couldn’t take the messages anymore. I didn’t want to see them. Clicking the button on the side of my phone, the screen went dark and enveloped the cancerous mail in a blackness that momentarily canceled out their existence. Staring into it wide eyed and unmoving, I thought deeply about why it was happening. _Did everyone realize who we were last night? How did they figure it out? People from school must have seen us and somehow guessed who I was. It’s crazy because the only interaction we had at school was that one incident in the hallway and then sitting beside each other in class. Besides, we were just dancing after all! It doesn’t automatically imply something romantic. What makes me deserve messages like this?_

Feeling discouraged, I sighed and placed my phone on the bed as I got up to go wash away the grief with a nice, hot shower. Right as I did, another thought occurred to me. _But this still doesn’t answer how they all got my number. If a person knew my first and last name somehow then sure they could find my Facebook, but not the number to text my cell….unless—_

“Gasp.”

An idea popping into my head, I scratched the leisurely shower idea and scurried to get ready and get to school as fast as I could.

 

Running through the hallways with a new disguise on, I had the intention of making it to our sexualities class, but stopped halfway through as a set of fliers caught my eye. I had noticed a great deal of the same thing stapled everywhere across the walls. Walking close to examine it for a moment, I shrieked in appalment upon seeing its contents. It was a picture of me and Christian at the harbor together and then all of us at dinner. Underneath that was a statement telling everyone to send hate mail to Anastasia who has been lying about her relationship with Christian Grey and is only using him for his money.

Even more self-conscious and enraged, I kept my head low and stormed over to the classroom as fast as I could, tearing down the papers and throwing them into the trashcan along the way. My cell would of course not stop buzzing with new texts every minute.

Getting inside, the classroom was pretty empty as I had arrived very early. Angrily, I sat down into my chair with my arms crossed and waited for two very sinister and backstabbing bitches to arrive. A couple other early arriving students came in and stared me down, but I just ignored them.

About the same time as usual, Jennifer and Lindsey walked through the door. I wasted no time to run up and confront them while ripping off my sunglasses. “ _Excuse_ me, Jennifer, but did you by chance happen to go behind my back and _post my number on the wall_ for everyone to see and tell them to send hate mail to for hanging out with Christian?” Although speaking calm and cool, there was an edge of infuriation and accusation to my attitude.

“What!?” she places her hand on her chest and pulls her head back as if she had just heard something completely appalling. “Of course I’m not the one responsible for those! I just saw them on my way to class now, and I was so horrified and worried about you that I made my way here as soon as possible to make sure you were okay! You know I think of you as a friend now and would never do something like that!”

“Oh really,” I scoffed back at her. “It’s funny because you are the only other person that I gave my number to. Plus, I know how angry you were at me for just sitting next to him, so it wouldn’t surprise me if you would take it this far after finding out that I was dancing with him.”

“Anastasia,” she got all teary eyed, playing the victim. “I can’t believe you think so lowly of me! I thought you could see my good intentions and how hard I’ve been working to change myself since that time. I didn’t even know that you two had been hanging out together until I saw those pictures this morning! Plus, as you can see, I just arrived here now so how could I have been the one who put up those photos? Maybe another student heard you when you were telling your number to me and wrote it down!”

Right as she finished speaking, Christian came barging through the door in a hurry. Upon seeing the three of us standing together, his eyes shoot wide open and his face twists in anger. “What the hell is going on here!!?” he raises his voice as he strides towards Jennifer, keeping direct eye contact with her.

“Oh Christian!” Jennifer wails cutely as she sees him. “I’m so glad you’re here! Even after all of the nice things I’ve done for her, Anastasia here is trying to accuse me of posting her number around the school when I just walked in through the door! She’s too cruel! Obviously I would never think of doing something like that to her after all the trouble I already put her through!” Keeping up the teary eyes and the victim attitude, she pretended like she was innocent and _I_ was the one attacking _her_. _Good riddance this bitch._

“Save your sob story for someone who will believe it,” he neglects her with a low grumble in his voice. Turning over to me, he takes hold of the side of my arm and asks in a sweet but panicked voice “Anastasia are you okay?”

 I nod my head at him and give a faint smile.

Both Lindsey’s and Jennifer’s faces go wide eyed in horrification. While Jennifer grows a forbidding frown on her face, Lindsey can’t help but to intervene and speak up for her friend in her exasperation. “Hey it’s true! Jennifer didn’t do that! How would we know you two have even been seeing each other? For all we knew, Anastasia still hated you and you didn’t have any association with one another other than the group project. To be frank, we are quite surprised to find out that the two of you have gotten so acquainted with each other. It was wrong of her to lie to our faces and then go right on ahead and accuse us if you ask me! If it wasn’t for those posters we would have never known about it! Jennifer is a great and kind person who would never do such a thing. It’s absurd of Anastasia to accuse her of that even after all of the wonderful gifts she bought for her and everything!”

Jennifer wildly nods her head along with everything her much too serving friend was doing for her.

“Money can’t buy kindness or friendship and it certainly can’t buy a get out of jail free card either,” Christian’s expression was very stern and serious as he talked about the matter deep to his heart. Pausing for a split second, he soullessly states “I would know.”

The two of them glance at each other in confusion, seeing if the other knew what it was that he was talking about. Of course, I was the only one who truly understood his meaning.

“There’s no doubt in my mind that you two somehow had something to do with this,” he continues after seeing that his response went through. “No amount of fake kindness you’re showing to Anastasia is going to make me believe otherwise, nor will it ever make me like you. I’m a therapist who deals with all kinds of different people every day. I can see right through the two of you. You got her number for a reason and it certainly wasn’t because you were actually genuine about being friends with her, even though she sincerely wanted that from the both of you. Anastasia is a warmhearted and caring person no matter how she appears on the outside and I know that. She wouldn’t ever accuse you guys for no reason.”    

Really upset now, they started to drop actual tears from their eyes to try and make everyone feel bad for them. At this point, more of our classmates were walking through the door and passing by us with curiosity. Watching the two girls cry while Christian held my arm, they were all bursting into bouts of astonished whispers.

“For the last time! I would like you to try and explain how we could have been the ones to put up the pictures when we only just got to school and hadn’t even been at that dock last night when you two were dancing!?” Jennifer cries, probably more upset about Christian completely stonewalling her. “How would we have gotten the photos!? It’s clear that someone who knows you was there and got angry about it, or just looked up your number online! It’s not hard to get information these days! If you two wanted to have a secret relationship then you shouldn’t have publicized it like that! It’s not our fault you two were being reckless, so don’t blame it on us who are innocent and had nothing to do with this! See if we will be nice to Anastasia now! Hmph!” she crossed her arms and looked away in a tizzy.

Christian narrows his eyes at her and retaliates with a deep and stern voice. “I made it clear last time that if you two ever did anything to hurt Anastasia I wouldn’t let it slide, so just letting you know that as soon as I find proof of you two being behind this, you’re going to regret it real hard. One can only pray that you’re telling the truth. Come on Anastasia,” he takes hold my hand and drags me toward the door. “We’re going to get your number changed immediately.” 

“What!?” I yelled out in shock as we left the sinister sisters behind to sit on the harsh reality of what just happened. “But what about class? And what about your work!?”

“I’ll tell them it’s an emergency,” he shouts super quickly as he drags me out the door, not even bothering to say anything about the psychology course.

Seeing his serious attitude, I had no choice but to accept it and follow along with him. People just continue to stop and stare with gaping mouths as we speed past them. Christian really wasn’t helping my situation by confirming our familiarity with each other. I hung my head low and groaned from the sticky situation.

 

As he had said, he took me to the cell service store and got my number changed so that I would never have to read another malicious text again. It was a bit annoying because I had to go through and message everyone in my contact list my new number, but thankfully since I don’t have all that many friends, it didn’t take that long. It raised some questions from people as to why I got a new number, which did, however, take some time having to explain.

Christian was going a little overboard with everything. First he insisted on paying for the changing fee saying that everything was his fault, then he called the school and told them about the fliers, requesting for someone to go and take them all down at once. After that he forced me to deactivate my Facebook account and messenger so that people couldn’t find me there either. He also wanted to buy me a new phone entirely, but I said that it was ridiculous and I could just go through and delete all of the messages without having to do that. Looking at all the hateful texts on my phone, he had a pained expression on his face.

“Christian. I’ll be fine. Stop worrying so much,” I try to reassure him as I place my hand awkwardly on his shoulder. It was my first time trying that method of comforting after all.

“How can you say that!? You think that this will all stop just because you have a new number!?” he shouts so loud that it frightens me, cutting me off from saying anything more. “Even if I can somehow manage to get Jennifer and Lindsey to back down, all those people still know that you and I have something going on between us now, and that can’t be undone. That’s a whole lot of people for me to deal with. Young people can often be ruthless, they won’t stop at just a few nasty messages.”

Kicking a stone on the ground in anger as we left the store, I could tell he was dealing with some inner turmoil and fears within his head.  “As I said,” I try to say confidently, less scared now that he was speaking a bit more calmly again. “Not to worry. I’ve gotten quite good at avoiding people over the years and I’m certainly used to getting hate and being bullied by nasty comments at school. It’s nothing new to me.”

“You say that now because you have no idea how fan girls and boys can get! Absolutely terrible people sometimes! I’ve seen it happen before. You know what happened? She ran away from me before it could even get bad! One day it will all get to be too much for you too and you’ll crack under the pressure and leave me as well. A new number won’t be the only thing you’ll have to get.” Clenching his fist super tight, he grits his teeth as he scolds himself. “I knew I should have never brought you into this! I’m not a person worthy of being in a relationship! I was so selfish to care about my needs over yours. I just thought that maybe for once, just once, I could let myself be happy and be with someone I love. But I was too careless. Let it get to my head and now this happened! I should have done more to protect you. I’m so sorry for doing this to you Anastasia. You don’t deserve any of this because of a useless piece of trash guy like me.”

“Christian,” I grab him forcefully by the arm and turn him over so that he can look at me. “Don’t you **_ever_** say something stupid like that again!”

My tone was extraordinarily serious as I spoke, nearly at the point of shouting because of the anger I felt upon hearing how negatively he was talking about himself. He just looked at me in surprise. It was the first time I had ever gotten stern with him. “Listen to me carefully as I say this and make sure you firmly put it in your head so that it can never leave. You are _not_ a piece of crap. You are _not_ selfish. You are **_not_** unworthy of love or a relationship. In fact, you are one of the most deserving people out there, and that’s why I love you so much. If it wasn’t for you, I would have never gotten over my phobia. That means more to me than you’ll ever understand. Just look at me! I’m touching you now! After _fifteen years_ of never touching a soul! How amazing is that!? On top of that, you’ve helped far more people than just me. What about your old friends and all the clients in your clinic!? You aren’t a selfish scum who cares about nothing but money. You actually _chose_ to not accept millions of dollars that were right in the palm of your hands for the sake of moral. Your _entire_ life has been dedicated to helping others. And even right now you’re caring about my feelings over yours, canceling your class and work just for me. So tell me, does that sound like a selfish piece of trash to you?”

He just stares at me with a blank face, completely frozen still. It had just occurred to me that this whole time he had been doing so much to help me get over my past and problems, but not once had I done something to help him. The negativity that I always had about myself, I could see still resided inside him. Now, all I wanted to do was to make sure he felt loved and worthy of life and happiness, just as he had done for me. My problems didn’t matter anymore. The hate texts were nothing but a fly buzzing in my ear.

Looking at me with a face full of love and gratitude, tears well up in his eyes, seeming to be about to cry. That strong need to comfort him came over me once again, and this time, I was able to do something about it. Taking one step forward, I wrap my arms around his sides, pull him into me, and nuzzle my face into his chest. My love for him poured out of every cell in my body that was now in contact with him. It was such a wonderful thing. The feeling of being able to provide physical comfort to someone you care about, knowing that you could calm them down in an instant with such a simple action.

“No,” he breathes out softly into my hair as he wraps his arms around my shoulders, resting his face upon my head. A bright and radiant smile appears on his lips. “No it doesn’t.”   

 

I woke up bright and early in the morning once again. Christian had insisted that I stop going to school until he got one of his body guards arranged to come with me every day. He was worried that something more would happen. But me being me, I couldn’t stand to miss another class, especially after having to skip yesterday. Plus, the idea of having a body guard seemed a bit much for a normal person like me. So I decided to go to school without telling him.

In order to keep my arrival more hidden, I parked in a different place than usual on the other side of campus. If I could just make it to class first, then it would be more difficult for him to get me to leave.  Dressed once again in a pair of sunglasses and a hoody, I buried myself in an umbrella until I made it to the hallway near our sexualities class. Sure it was a bit unusual to both wear sunglasses and carry an umbrella on a rainy day, especially in Seattle, but I hoped that I just looked like some asshole who wasn’t from here and didn’t get enough sleep. There were other foreigners using umbrellas after all.

As soon as I made it inside, I was once again utterly appalled by what I saw. Even more fliers were strung across the walls of the hallways. Clearly the school had not taken the matter seriously, and wasn’t on the lookout for another occurrence. Only typical for a money absorbed university. This time it was only just my name, but unfortunately something even worse than my number was with it. Pictures that somebody had secretly taken of me were everywhere. Right beside me, there was a picture of me leaving Christian’s clinic with a fake story about how I deliberately made up a mental disorder so that I could get into a session with him and seduce him. _Someone was…following me this whole time!?_ My eyes shot wide open in horror. _How did they get these pictures of me!? How did they know that I would be going to his office at that exact moment and then sneak a photo without me knowing!?_ My mouth, too, dropped open from the frightening idea.

 As I scanned through each and every one of the papers, I realized that it wasn’t only this photo that was being shown around. There were dozens of different pictures of us eating dinner together last week, going to the arcade, us at the dance studio, as well as more of me in the waiting room at his clinic. There even were pictures of my car parked in the parking garage and me with my disguise on, pointing out for everyone to keep on the lookout for me trying to conceal my identity. It was a damn good thing I parked my car in a different location this morning, but I was shit out of luck on the disguise portion. Thankfully everyone had been too distracted by the fliers to notice that I was standing there, so I just kept my umbrella open and cautiously buried myself inside it. _This means that whoever it was knew about me and Christian even before the dancing incident. It wasn’t our showcase that caused this issue after all! I’ve been being stalked since last week, or maybe even earlier!_ The thought almost made me throw up.

Another thing that had caught my attention when I first walked in was all the clatter going around as people stopped to read what was written on the pages. Many “gasps” and “oh my god’s” could be heard echoing throughout the hallway. Pretty much every single person in the area was talking about me and the photos. A couple nice people seemed outraged at the sight and were asking their friends “Who would do such a thing?” But to my dismay, most people were not so kind and rather were asking “How could _she_ do such a thing?”

Scared shitless, I tried to sneak past everyone while they were looking away. I was the master of maneuvering through crowds after all. _How is it that Jennifer knew about my Haphephobia? When did she find out that Christian and I were actually conversing with one another outside of class?_ It all didn’t make any sense to me _. She must have overheard us talking in class about it before._ Racking my brain, I tried to think about what we could have said in front of her that would have given her a hint. Then, it hit me. _Oh my god! When I shook her hand the other day! She must have overheard us talking about my Haphephobia. So then when I was suddenly able to shake her hand, it must have made her realize that I was going to therapy sessions with him after all! **That’s** why she looked so surprised when I offered out my hand! It all makes sense now! _

Clearing through most of the crowd, I had almost made it home safe to the door of the classroom. Feeling protected, I let down my umbrella that was drawing far too much attention towards me. _But who was it taking the photos then? Surely I would have been able to notice her following me around everywhere…_ “WAH—”

 Before I could even finish that thought, I was stopped in my tracks as my hood was thrown down and my hair yanked backwards, puling me towards the ground. Crying out in surprise from the pain of my neck bending completely backwards without any warning, I was left to sit on the floor, puzzled as to how I got there. 

“How **_dare_** you go in and seduce Christian like that, you _whore_!!” the culprit screamed as he stood over me. It was a brunette boy around my age. A whole group of his friends seemed to be surrounding and supporting him. The vehemently angry faces of about seven people were shown to me.   

The black haired girl standing right beside him backed him up. “Yeah! Using a fake mental illness to sneak your way into him! Absolutely disgusting! I bet that show in the hallway was just a stunt to get his attention. Then once you got it, you begged him to ‘cure’ you and just walked right out days later as if you were totally fine.”

It was then that I recognized the group as the people I had encountered last time in the hallway after the news about my freak incident with Jennifer spread. The green shirt boy and his friends that suspected me of being close with Christian. That’s who just threw me down. In too much of a shock to even react, I just quickly looked back and forth between the two people yelling at me out of nowhere. The ruckus attracted a large crowd of people who had been in the surrounding area checking out all of the pictures of me.

The brunette boy decided to chime back in. “Yeah! Human contact phobia? HAH!” Spit flew into my face from his sudden convulsion. “If you were actually so afraid of being touched, then explain how you were able to go dancing with him the other night? Hmmmm?” he bent down and looked into my face expectantly with a sarcastic expression. All of his friends nodded in agreement.

“I-I,” I stuttered on the verge of tears, still too paralyzed to defend myself.

“What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue? Or maybe it’s because you realized you’ve been caught for the lying, manipulative fake you really are,” he threw his foot into the side of my thigh as he condescendingly yelled at me.

Instantly, I shrieked with a frequency so high that it pierced through the hallway as I bounced back into a defensive position. My heart rate was rapidly increasing and the anxiety that I used to get from being touched was starting to creep its way back into me.

“Yeah! Let’s get her!” a dark skinned woman from the back of the group walked forward with her fist clenched in the air.

With that, green shirt boy felt enough encouragement to continue on. “Let’s see how ‘afraid of contact’ you are now bitch!” Another violent kick to my side was thrown.

Heartrate increasing so rapidly that I thought it would beat straight out of my chest, I finally had enough of this. Standing up as quickly as I could, I tried to run away from them as they all charged at me. Unfortunately, I was not fast enough to outrun them. He grabbed me by the arms and tried to pull me back again, but this time, I wasn’t going to let him get away with it. Thanks to my mother I had been trained slightly in self-defense. After she found out about what had happened, she forced me to take classes so that it never would again. Sadly, I hadn’t made it too far in the class because my phobia started to develop to an intolerant degree soon after, but I did take away a couple useful tricks from it.

Placing my other hand on top of his, I twisted his arm around in such a way that his body was forced to bend down. Having opened up a weak spot, I kicked him in the stomach to push him back away from me “Hyah!” The opportunity now present, I tried to make my escape yet again. This time, however, fate was not on my side. A bunch of the people that had crowded around us created a barricade so that I couldn’t run through. The angry boy that was just unexpectedly stricken down came charging at me in a fit of rage. Once again I maneuvered around him and dodged his attack. This didn’t go over so well with his teammates. All of them came flying at me at once. One by one I continued to try using the self-defense mechanisms to block and throw away each their attacks. This worked for a little while due to my highly developed reflexes from my avoidant lifestyle, but to my dismay, not only was I too outnumbered, but I had become rusty on the self-defense techniques, having not directly used them in years.   

Being stricken in the head by a girl from behind while trying to dodge another boys attack, I went flying forward right into him instead. Now captured, three of them held me down while the others brutally kicked and punched me. The malicious crowd of people around us just cheered and egged them on. A sad sight indeed. Only one girl from the diversity of human sexuality class felt that it was wrong and tried to stop everyone, but she was too small and powerless to break through the enormous amount of people. The sound of her pleas were drowned out in the mass, just like my cries of despair.  _Christian… please help… I need you… I should have listened!_ I internally sobbed as I squeezed my eyes shut. _Please. Please help me!! I don’t want their evil touch! Only your warm and caring one! Save me before it’s too late!_  

As if the message had been sent to him through some telepathic means, Christian came fast walking from behind the crowd to see what all the bustle was about. Pushing through the mass to get a good look, he stumbled upon the sight of me crying out in tears as I was being beaten black and blue.  Instant rage and infuriation overtook him as he looked into my grieving face. “OUT OF THE WAY,” he roared so loud that it echoed through the air as he pushed through the barricade of students. A couple people still remained in front of him, not fully aware of what had happened. “I SAID OUT OF THE WAY!”

Grabbing the boy and girl from the back of the collar, he threw them to the floor. Finally, he made it to the open space in front of us, but by this point I was already bruised and frightened beyond repair. The whole hallway burst into silent gasps upon seeing the man in question appear before them. Now everyone was trying to play innocent as they saw their idol get undoubtedly maddened and distraught past the point of tolerance. His face showed sheer pain as he watched me continue to be beaten, tears falling down my face.

The anxiety within welling to a level beyond the scales, I became deafened by madness. Not a single thing that was going on around me was able to pass into my consciousness. It all went by as one big blur. My mind was trying to block it out, preventing me from experiencing another trauma. Never could I have imagined that the students would take it this far. I thought that adults were better than this, but apparently, even children are above our level. My faith in humanity was destroyed once again. Screaming and roaring from insanity, I found enough strength through the adrenaline to rip myself away from their hands and into the brunette boy. Grabbing him by the hair, I bashed his face into the wall repeatedly in attempts to knock him out. Even I myself wasn’t aware of what I was doing. All I knew is that I was afraid, to the point of a phobic, and needed to escape no matter the costs. The rest of his friends just stepped back in fear. Blood poured from the boy’s face, unnoticeable to me.

“Anastasia let go of him!!” Christian cried out as he charged forward and took hold of my sides, ripping me off of the boy. Clearly he wanted to prevent me from killing or brutally injuring him, which would only get myself in trouble. Too bad it was probably already too late to save me.    

 “YAAAAAAAAAH,” I screamed and thrashed about in his arms as he held me down, trying to comfort me amongst the mess. All the passersby just stood still without a word, watching the earth shattering scene before them. The brunette was now stricken unconscious, laying on the floor. The rest of the assaulters just stood frozen in fright.

Christian wouldn’t let go despite my refusal. He just knelt to the ground and held me tighter. “NO! DON’T TOUCH MEEEEEE,” I hoarsely screeched out as if I was losing my mind. The degree to which I had lost my sanity began to make the others question the legitimacy of my phobia. I hadn’t even realized it was he who was the one taking hold of me. My vision was drowned by the water flooding my eyes. “Anastasia it’s me,” he sorrowfully whispered, stroking my hair. In that instant, not a single fiber of my being even cared.

As I continued to squirm and fight back in his arms, Jennifer and Lindsey wickedly smiled in satisfaction from the back of the crowd.

 

 

**NOTE: As I mentioned in the beginning of the chapter, this is the last chapter of volume one! Just letting everyone know that I will be taking a bit of a break before working on the second volume, so please don't fret when updates don't come out as regularly as usual! I'm not sure how long it will be, so stay tuned for updates about the upcoming content! Thank you for reading, and see you all later~ :) Hope you've enjoyed it! 


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